I’m single, and Ed Sheeran is my new Hero.

I never thought I’d ever be single again. I’ve planned for it theoretically like any other rational person would. I’ve talked about it but I never thought it would actually happen again. I have not been single that much in my life since I was ready for these kinds of relationships which when I think about it, it’s kinda weird. I mean, who in their right mind would want somebody like me? Well, a few at least… Most of the time, the next boyfriend is right around the corner, because it’s somebody I already know, but this time it’s different. This time, I will stay single for as long as possible for multiple reasons. The next man in my life will be my first Great Dane, if everything stays according to plan, so that should tell you how uninterested I am in finding somebody else. And how small of a chance there is for somebody to love me back. Hey, I’m just being realistic here! Now I have the right to be picky as hell!

Me and the now “Ex” spent 10 years, 9 months and 22 days together as a couple. We lived together for over 9 years as well. We met in junior high online on a web chat service during the fall of 1997 and we spent about 9 months or so in a long distance relationship. Then we lost touch and I found him again after about 7 years of on and off looking for him online. About two years after I found him, we became a couple and basically all I’ve ever wanted in a man I found with him. That was mind blowing. The only reason why we’re not together anymore is due to we’ve grown apart. We don’t want the same thing any longer. I want to become vegan, and I’m getting closer everyday. I’ve eaten vegan constantly for about 12 days, which is amazing and I’d like to keep minimizing my intake of animal based foods like this. My current ex never wants to be vegan. He has changed his mind about getting a dog, and especially a Great Dane, and we ran out of conversation topics ages ago. We don’t spend that much time together even at home. A few hours a day watching a movie and having dinner, then I spend the rest of the night watching videos on YouTube about Apple products or some other crap. He continues working and watches other stuff in bed. It’s no fun in that aspect any longer and we’ve both felt that this is gonna happen for like a year now.

We are still friends, and we’re probably gonna end up best friends. I can’t imagine life without him. Before I thought I could never live without him as my boyfriend and domestic partner, but after the breakup I’ve realized I need him, but I also need to live my life the way I want to, and the same thing goes for him. Just simply loving each other is not enough. I still love him and will never stop loving him, but he does not have to be my boyfriend any longer but I hope I’ll have him in my life until the day I die. Either way it will take a while before I stop seeing him as only mine anyway and for now that’s fine. I don’t want anybody else to be honest. More about that later in this post.

I’ve managed to find a new place in only 4 days or so and I’ll move out in the middle of december 2019. I can’t wait! The new place is tiny, really frickin’ tiny, but it’s enough for me and it’s completely new as well, so I’ll get all the stuff I need. The only downside with the place is the 30 square meters of space instead of like the double. But it’s fine. Now I’ll save my money and then save some more. When I get employed I’ll save even more and I’ll keep doing that until I feel I have enough to buy me a house or something awesomely fantastic.

Considering I’m like glued to my couch and desperate for a Great Dane, I do have plans to make sure that my boy will be able to live with me in that tiny apartment. Since he’ll be a puppy and learn to be still and quiet indoors in the beginning, I’ll teach him to be super calm. Great Danes are like that by default anyways, I’ll just reinforce it… He’ll also be able to cuddle with me in bed and lie beside me if I can fit a couch in that place. It will be awesome indeed if it will happen. I’ll make room for him if he can’t fit so… I must know that it will work, because I’m so tired of moving. I’ve moved too many times in my life, but this move is also different.

For the first time since I moved away from home in 2001, I know that I’m planning to live on my own. Probably for the rest of my life, but if not – I’ll live alone for as long as possible. Even if I’d found somebody willing to love me and my quirks and my pet babies, I’d most likely not move in with someone. Nope. Now I’ll live by myself. Even if I’d get a house I’d live there alone. At least that’s how I see the future. For now that is more than fine. If not, the guy I will live with next in human form will be as amazing as my current ex. Nothing else would do. I refuse to settle with whomever I can find. I am not desperate for a new boyfriend. I only want my ex to be honest or the closest personality to him. Ten+ years of awesomeness has taught me that. That’s the truth and I know that finding somebody like him is like slim to none. I can make a list so you’ll know what I’m (in that case) looking for:

  • He has to be male. I’m not bisexual or lesbian. Sorry. Has to be a dude with a real fully functional dick. Preferably not too small either in size. Normal is good. Fully functional is best.
  • Preferably be a computer geek/nerd/know a lot about computers/technology and super cool if he works as a software developer or something like that.
  • Has to be introvert, or just loves to stay home, watch movies and has no problem staying in his jammies until 3pm on a Saturday on his spare time, glued to the couch like me. Also sleeping until noon is also totally fine. Imagine that 8+ hours of #NetflixAndChill is like the norm whenever possible. Also he should enjoy parties, dinners with friends and not be afraid of talking to people, but never require to always do something outgoing. Nope, I want an introvert in that case!
  • Has to love animals, preferably big dogs and not be allergic to any kind of pet. Great plus if he already owns a Great Dane, Irish Wolfhound, St. Bernhard etc or if his family has one. Or a pug! I love pugs! Of course he has to love cats as well! Huge plus if he prefers big cats.
  • He has to be an Apple geek or use and prefer Apple products before windows and android. Or at least not bash Apple products just because it’s Apple.
  • Preferably vegan or vegetarian. If he’s a meat eater, he’s got to be open to becoming vegan in the future and eat vegan foods with me from day one.
  • Preferably younger than me, aka born later than 1982. Not a huge deal, but still. Somewhat important.
  • He has to accept to help me with various tasks, like explaining stuff when I can’t think properly, giving me massages when my fibromyalgia pains are through the roof and generally be kind and nice. Having lots of humor is of course a plus!
  • He must be a non-smoker, be anti-drugs and preferably free from illnesses like diabetes and obesity, but that doesn’t generally mean to be a health nut. Also not drink too much alcohol. A little is fine, like a glass of wine or a beer once a week, but not spending every weekend getting pissed out drunk and/or have a drinking problem.
  • Also, he has to be a non criminal with a non criminal past and no issues with gambling or spending money the wrong way. It means be thoughtful with his and my money. Buying stuff he wants is of course fine if he can afford it – aka if it can be bought without taking a loan, without a payment plan or without having to choose between putting food on the table or getting a new iPhone. If you’ve read my posts before you know how I think about spending money on stuff you need and that you don’t need. There’s a difference! If he can afford to buy a new iPhone every month and pay all the bills + be able to save a significant amount of money into a bank account – please do so, I don’t care, but please do not end up in debt because of it!
  • He must speak the southern Swedish accent, “Skånska”. That does not mean he has to be from Sweden. Just speak the accent. At least for as long as I personally live here myself. I might move to the U.S someday or something. I just love that accent, so that’s why. I’m weird like that.
  • Preferably have a family that judges nobody and accepts people that are different.

Well, that’s my little list. Not many people on that list I guess that would qualify for a boyfriend or potential husband. And that’s totally fine. However, for future, temporary sexual relations I don’t really care except for the being a dude part with a dick. The list is for finding the next love of my life. It’s a hard task so that’s why I will not look for that guy in like 5+ years at least or something like that. I won’t find him, or so close to perfection anyway, so good luck to me and thanks a bunch to you if you’re the one to love me back as well when I’m ready for you.

Looks are not important either but I have to admit that I like two kinds of people. Either guys who looks like a younger version of Richard Gere(or similar) or guys who look generally weird. I like oddballs. The guy who’s a little fat, or the guy from high school that everybody generally ignored because he’s so weird etc. I seem to have like a radar for finding those guy’s amazing personalities but I don’t know why. I just do. When you look closer you find some cool stuff and I love that! Let’s take Stranger Things for example. If I was in junior high and I went to the school with those boys, I’d probably have a huge crush on Dustin…

What about Ed Sheeran then? Well, I’ve never really cared about him earlier. I’ve heard some of his songs of course and I have some of them on my playlists on Spotify, but something has happened lately. I can’t really explain it but I can’t stop thinking about him. At least music wise, so I’ve started to listening to him more and the two latest hits of his have been a huge help for me this week since the breakup. Those songs are of course “Beautiful People” and “I don’t care“. I guess I find the lyrics soothing and I love music with a lot of bass. Ed is also considered to be an “oddball” in my case, because he looks nothing like those “good lookin’ guys”, but when you look closer, aka listens to his lyrics etc, you find something more powerful and beautiful and I guess that I need that right now.

Anyhow, I’m actually pretty frickin’ happy now, considering everything. The breakup was something I never thought was gonna happen, but it did and like in everything else in my life, I’ve come to the conclusion almost too fast, that I’m fine with it and I’m starting to move on. I can’t wait until I’m the new place! The next obsession of mine is finding new furniture and how to furnish the apartment, but I’m really looking forward to everything. Me and the ex will continue to be friends, have movie nights and help eachother out when we need it and I’m guessing and hoping that everything will be awesomesauce from now on.

Even if I’m single for the rest of my life.


Hold your horses! The iPhone Xr is the perfect size – at least without a case…

Last week I went to the nearest Apple store in order to get help to remove my clear case from my iPhone Xr. I was not able to return it since I’ve had it for a month, so that means I’m gonna have to sell it to whomever wants it (In Sweden that is). Of course I forgot to bring one of the other older cases with me, so I used it without a case and wholy-moly! It’s that feeling I’ve been looking for. I got it without a case! Ok, it’s a little bit slippery now, but still – it feels amazing. I don’t know what to do now, though…

I mean, do I put a case on it anyway, or just my popsocket? Do I order a skin for it and use that? I cannot use a popsocket if I only use a skin, but a skin is only for beauty purposes or customization, not for protection. The phone looks so black and “boring” without any kind of case or custom skin, but any kind of case both protects it and makes it a tiny little bit wider and therefore more uncomfortable to hold. Without a case it is perfect, or at least I do feel so now. I did not feel it when I first bought it. Then it was just too big for too long but now when I think about it, the cases brings the bulk. Also I switched from an iPhone SE to an iPhone Xr. Huge difference in size just by that. I’m really at a loss here. What would you do if you were me?

Generally speaking I have never dropped any phone that I’ve owned so far that it’s cracked and is broken and I do love that the phone is more protected with a case on it. Like I’ve mentioned several times before in previous posts – I mainly use cases to have a customized phone. That is why I don’t want to buy any other case that’s out there. I want a case with a picture of my cat, my bf, my future dog, my family, my blogs and whatever else I can think of just because it’s actually possible. When I was an android user it was not. That was mainly due to me never wanting a Samsung for a phone. If I’d ever go back to android, their OneUI does seem a bit appealing but for as long as I am this current  sheep, I’ll be staying with apple products for as long as possible.

The other day I went to visit a friend and to feel safe, I put on one of my older cases with my pop socket on it and now I’m back to that meh feeling again. A pop socket is amazing and absolute needed – in some cases. Those are mostly when I’m on the go or lying in bed. The iPhone XR is heavy so using it in bed without anything is a bit of a challenge. However I can probably learn to get used to it. The other explanation for the meh feeling is due to my fingertips still hurting from when I tried to remove the clear case from my phone last week. It still hurts almost a week later! It’s so annoying! So what hurt? When I had to press the power button. Or any other button. With a case on it covering that button you have to press a bit harder to turn off or on the screen so that was a bit annoying too.

I’m still at a loss… Still, I’ve done some googling and found out that there are some companies out there that specializes in very thin cases. Peel is one most known for thin cases, but since their based in North America or something, it would only be a good idea to order from them if I was desperate for a thin case. Luckily a Scandinavian company exists as well called nudient, and a few days ago I placed an order for a 100% transparent case that 0.75 mm thin. It’s probably 1 mm thinner than all the other cases I’ve tried. If I’m not satisfied with it, I can return it within 30 days and get my money back. I will keep it if, and that’s a big if…

  • If the case feels like a naked iPhone but with better grip.
  • The buttons are easily pressed without pain in my fingers.
  • If I can have a skin underneath for that customization purpose
  • If I can use a popsocket on it when I feel I want one.
  • If it’s easily replaceable and/or removable.
  • If it protects against falls.
An image from nudient.se that shows what an iPhone Xs looks like with their transparent case on it. It looks freaking naked!

If any of these points fails to please me, I’ll return it and then give up and either continue with what I did before, or perhaps just use my phone naked without a case, but maybe with a popsocket. If I’d known that I’d feel this way one day with this phone, I’d most likely would have bought the Xr in another color, to at least be a little more different from all the other phones and people out there. Still, I’m not 100% satisfied with all the available colors, and especially not for the iPhone 11 if I were stupid enough to upgrade anyway. If I were to upgrade to the latest models I’d probably go for the purple or green color, but I have no idea. It feels like the color is the hardest option if I’d were to change phones sooner rather than later. Even if something were to happen to my iPhone Xr and I had to get a replacement and I’d be able to switch color, I have no idea what color I’d get.

The red does look amazing, and it donates a few dollars to an Aids foundation, which is awesome, but I hate the color red. It reminds me of having periods or something. I’ve never liked the color red, but the color Red on the iPhone sure does look awesome and it’s for a good cause.

The conclusion at least of this post is that I do not really need a smaller or bigger phone the next time I feel like upgrading. Actually, to be honest – I do hope that Apple will keep this model like the Xr and the 11 for a many years. I’d probably be pretty pissed off if the rumors for next years iPhones are true, which say that the “pro” models would come in 5.4″ and 6.7″ screens, because I do not want to choose between tiny and monster when it comes to iPhone sizes. The rumors do however say that there will be another 6.1″ and I do hope they’ll continue this trend for years to come. I don’t care about 5G either, which seems to be the biggest change so far. Also I hope they keep the notch, at least for the 11/Xr based future models. I do not want a cut out hole or a pop-up camera. Another camera is like all I need, at least when I get my first Great Dane so I can take portrait mode photos of him. But I’d also love to take a gazillion portrait mode like photos of my cat as well.

Oh, well. Time will tell what this case adventure will lead to. I just hope it ends up with me being satisfied and having a secure, good looking phone in the process.

Preparations for learning .NET framework on a Mac and some more  purchases…

For the past weeks, I’ve been really frickin’ happy. Wanna know why? Well of course you do. I get to stay at my new school which is Newton (Higher Vocation Education program). About two weeks ago I found out that my exemption that I applied for to continue this fall at my old college will be denied and I was so relieved over that. I don’t care about what people think about that. I wanna stay at the new school for many reasons and now it came true. Well, let’s move on shall we.

The preparations I’ve thought about basically all summer in order for the new platform and language to learn is how to survive this program as a Mac user, when everything is basically about Windows and Visual Studio. Well, I have Bootcamp installed on my MacBook Pro, but it sucks, drains the battery fast and Windows itself is a cluttered mess. However, it’s worth it if I get to become a developer. At least I used to think that. Now I’m not so sure… I’ve ordered a new charger for my laptop, so I always have one to take with me to school, because I’ll need it most likely. I hope either way that I’ll be able to use MacOS as often as possible, because I can use VS on my Mac either way, even though I prefer using Jetbrains software for my IDE.

The only thing that I can’t do within MacOS is create Windows applications. I can do everything else, but not Windows apps(UWP). That is why I’m still hopeful I can find a way to use MacOS as often as possible for my future app developments. I know we’re gonna learn how to make Windows desktop apps, and for that I’ll most likely use my Windows Bootcamp version, but if there’s a way to get around that – I’d love to do that instead.

I know you can run windows on a virtual machine, like parallels or VirtualBox, and a week ago I struggled for hours to install Windows on VB. It finally works, and it works a little bit better than Bootcamp. The best would be to just not do windows stuff at all, but I guess Bootcamp will have to do as a backup, but if the VB installation works better, I’d probably uninstall the BC version in the future. I refuse using our old Windows laptop, or buy a new crappy computer just for school, because I really do not want to use Windows if I can avoid it. Not now, when I’m used to MacOS. When I tried using Bootcamp for a longer while the other day as well, Spotify stopped working and Windows itself behaved very badly, so that sucked even worse. I have no idea what happened, but that’s Windows in a nutshell. It always lags, crashes, stops working and is a general mess. Why does anybody prefer it? I have no idea.

Well, when I was a hardcore android and Windows/PC fan, I knew that my phone would never last more than a year before it started to lag and apps always crashed from basically day one very often no matter what device I used. I knew that getting bluescreen on my PC will happen many times and so it did. Not to mention all the gazillion times I had to re-start my computer to get some little thing working again. Having broken shit that’s somewhat cheap was the norm and just the way it was. And I both hated and loved it. The only thing I understand why people prefer Windows over MacOS is due to every piece of software available to the platform and for gaming, but still. I miss using Sony Vegas for one, and also aegisub for subtitles for my YouTube videos I’ve made in the past. When you stop using it and go back – you really don’t understand or see the appeal about it. At least I do not.

With what I’m experiencing now, I’m thinking that I’d have a requirement for my first job as a developer that I’ll get to use MacOS and only Apple products (or something) for my work. I do NOT want to work with Windows! I really do not! Visual Studio and Windows itself confirms it for me day by day…

Luckily enough, the first day of the object-oriented programming class I asked if I could use my Mac for basically everything and only use Windows when I absolutely have to, and the teacher said yes. We even use .NET core instead of the usual .NET framework, so that’s also good. The only thing that sucks now is that I’m forced to use Visual Studio, and that is a real challenge. VS, sucks, and it sucks even more on Mac! I feel like something is missing, and there is a lot that is missing! I’d really like to use Jetbrains Rider instead but the teacher said no. The reason for that is because VS is the standard practice when it comes to .NET development. Le sigh, but I’ll survive.

But the further I go, the more I absolutely hate it! It’s probably only a matter of time before I start using Jetbrain’s Rider for development, no matter what the teacher says. I mean, I feel I can’t do anything right when I’m using VS. When I do have to develop UWP apps, I’ll use my VB installation for that. Hopefully VS works better in Windows, but I do not want to use that full-time for simple console projects. It’s just not necessary. Or any iOS, MacOS or android project. Is there a shake your head out of disgust smiley, btw? I could really use one now.

This is what I feel about Windows and Visual Studio these days. It sucks! Thumbs down!

After having used VS for several classes now and tasks, I feel utterly handicapped when I use it. And I hate the word “handicapped”, because it’s a very bad word in my world. I use it here to prove a point. It sucks so bad! OMG, so bad it is… How can anyone develop anything using VS on a Mac? I do not get it… VS on Mac does not print out parentesis when you write methods, or finish important stuff that’s easy to forget, like the parenthesis of an if statement. Whenever I want to copy and paste stuff, it always “forgets” about one letter, even if I marked all the words for copying. VS on Mac looks stale and poor as well. It lags, and is slow and have annoying popup’s if I barely tough a piece of code with my mouse pointer. It feels like it’s missing a ton of features to be a viable option for an IDE. It just frickin’ sucks balls to use😤.

And let’s move on to the usual, shall we? Aka Apple products and the never ending story of my purchases of that brand. During the last month, I’ve bought the clear case for my iPhone Xr, the magic trackpad 2 and a set of BeatsX headphones just because I had to. I wrote a little bit about this in this post, and this is the follow up. The clear case is lovely, but hard as hell to remove from the phone. The other day I went to the Apple store in order to buy the BeatsX headphones, and also to get help on how to remove the case from my phone. The guy at the store had no issues what so ever to remove it, but I could not. My fingers hurt like hell, and about 8 hours later, they still hurt. It’s because of fibromyalgia, in case you’re wondering why it still hurts so many hours later. Or even days after… #LifeWithFibromyalgia.

I removed the skin I had on it, my phone that is, because I thought that if I could learn how to remove it and do it myself, it would be easier to change out the skin. I am not very satisfied with my current skin either, and I’d like to replace it. If not with a skin, than with a bunch of custom stickers. However, the guy at the store said that the skin makes the case be even harder to come off, so using a skin, even though I’d prefer that now, is not a good idea it seems anymore. Especially if I have to remove the case myself in the future. So now I’m just having the clear case with the original color of the phone showing. It feels ok, but I would feel a lot better if I could remove the case myself without getting pain in my thumbs. I mean, I primarily use cases and custom cases for my phone, just because I can. The safety aspect is just a bonus. That is why it kinda sucks just having a black iPhone Xr at the moment with nothing to show off my uniqueness to the world.

The other day I also discovered that one of the Swedish carriers offers a plan that I’ve been wanting for like years. The plan for my phone that I have now is a pay-as-you-go plan, and I get 5 GB of data and pay for calls and texts. I call and text very rarely and my monthly bills are usually around $16. Sometimes a little bit lower and sometimes a bit higher, but usually around there, so I’m very satisfied with it. However, I’ve been wanting a fast rate plan for years with the same stuff, aka 5GB at least for around $15 per month, and now I’ve found it. Since I’m also a student, they have that plan as well, but with 8GB data for the same price, so I ordered it today and fetched my new sim earlier the same day as I ordered it as well. The carrier does not support e-sim as of now, but that’s ok. I don’t use it today anyway. I might in the future when all Swedish carriers support it. I hope I’ll be able to get the clear case off of my Xr when it’s time to switch sim cards in a few days…

After I wrote the last post, I already decided that I had to get new headphones, no matter what I really do feel about it. To be honest, I only care about what my bf says, and he dislikes everything Apple purchase I make, but I at least plan my purchases somewhat and I buy them with my own money. I do not take loans to buy the stuff and I buy them because I have a use for them.

If I would not, I’d have bought my MacBook Pro myself, along with an iMac, some Apple TV’s and an  Watch already, because if money was no object and I only had myself to listen to, I’d by the stuff because I felt like it – not because I need it. I’d probably upgrade to the iPhone 11 as we speak, but I don’t do that today. I plan my purchases and only buy stuff I can afford with my own money. Even if money was no object and I’d be single living by myself, I’d still plan my purchases, but I’d probably more likely buy my Apple shit without the anxiety. That’s because I only care about my BF’s opinions and every time I buy an Apple product I disappoint him further. He does not understand the need I have for the stuff, and to be honest – neither do I. I only want stuff that works and makes my life easier.

Apparently Apple products generally is the solution. If Windows/PC products and Android phones would be the solution, then I’d never switch over to the dark side of technology. Nobody gets hurt from these purchases. I do not get sent to the poor house for buying these things. If I did not have the money I would definitely not buy anything. My life only gets easier, as long as the stuff works as intended. However, with both the BeatsX(BX) and the Trackpad(TP2), they have so far not worked as I hoped they would, but I guess time will fix that as well.

If we start with the BX’s… I thought that putting the buds together again with the magnetic thingy that the music or whatever I’m listening to would automatically pause, but no. In order for the audio to pause, I have to turn them off manually, or pause the audio manually. That sucks, for my silly, stupid crap of a brain that does not like any kind of hassle of any sort.

I honestly don’t know what’s worse – not being able to pause the music by putting the buds together magnetically or having to use normal headphones and switch the volume constantly whenever I need to use the laptop etc. They both feel awful, but the BX wins thanks to the W1 chip. That alone makes them worthy enough to keep and learn to live with. Also I was disappointed that I did not get some ear hooks with the BX’s. In the videos I have watched prior to my purchase, they all got some in the box, but I did not. At least not that I’ve found. The ear hooks helps with the buds fitting better into my ears, and I love having them on my OP bullets. The sound has also been flat, but I found out after some googling that the proper size of the tips help with that, so I switched to a bigger pair and the audio is better. They fit somewhat to my ears though, so that’s also annoying. If I keep them, which I want to do, I most likely go look for some ear hooks for them somewhere cheap.

The magic trackpad is awesome, of course but it has one huge flaw I did not dare to think about before I purchased it. The huge flaw is that it is impossible to place in front of my keyboard, because it is much higher than the keyboard. If I place it in front of the keyboard, like it is on every other laptop, it is impossible to type comfortably, since my palms keep on touching the TP2 and placing the mouse pointer somewhere else. Now, for my stupid, silly crap of a brain, it’s too much of a hassle to keep moving it. Due to my fibromyalgia problem, I can’t use it with my right arm (if it’s placed to the right of the keyboard), because then I get aches and pains in my right arm and neck. I have placed it to the left of the keyboard, but then I get basically the same issue I had with the Magic Mouse 2 (MM2), which is like a tick of my middle finger, so it sort of hurts to use the MM2. That is why I bought the TP2 instead, because the MM2 is not super nice to use. It rarely listens to what I want to do, but I think I’ve written about this issue before so let’s move on shall we?

It’s just so annoying that no matter what I do, or buy the stuff I get does not work the way I want it to. For my shit brain that wants everything to work the way it wants it to work, it’s really hard to not be able to focus on anything else, when every tiny thing can turn out to be the biggest thing ever and ruin everything. I do not want to return the stuff I’ve bought. It’s too much of a hassle. I want to use the TP2 and the BX headphones. I’d like to be able to continue to use the clear case for my Xr and switch it out if I feel like it but as long as I have fibromyalgia, that is most likely impossible. I guess I might have to sell it to somebody with an iPhone Xr, because it’s too late to return it to the Apple store. Like I’ve mentioned before, I do like the clear case and I’d like to continue using it, but I hate the fact that it’s too difficult to get the phone out of the case.

If you live in Sweden, have an iPhone Xr and have considered buying a clear case for it, leave a comment below and let me know. You’ll be able to buy it from me for like300 – 400 SEK if you’d like. It cost 495 SEK and I’ve used it for a month. If nobody cares, I’ll keep using it and I want to keep using it if I can find a way to remove it myself without hurting my fingers, but still – let me know if you’re interested.

Now I’ll keep watching a gazillion more videos about the Apple event, and the newest iPhones, because why not? And then I’ll do some more programming tasks I’ve got to do and complain even further about how much Visual Studio sucks on a Mac. What are you gonna do? Let me know in a comment below, thanks!

Should I have waited for the iPhone 11 instead of being desperate for the Xr?

the url goes to https://cdn.pocket-lint.com/r/s/970x/assets/images/149300-phones-vs-apple-iphone-11-vs-iphone-xr-comparison-whats-the-difference-image1-fhzpn8kqe0.jpg?v1

I’ve had my iPhone Xr for almost 9 months now and I absolutely love it. I bought it for specific reasons and I do not regret it. Not really. Until I saw the Apple event yesterday. Well, it’s not the entire truth, and I’ll explain why in this most likely to be another long post.

The reasons for why I bought the Xr was due to me having the iPhone SE as my current phone and being totally bugged out about everything being so tiny. A tiny screen, a tiny keyboard and most of all – the tiniest battery life of them all. It worked absolutely wonderful. No lag, great back camera and very easy to handle. It’s one of the best phones I’ve had, and I’m sorry that I had to replace it. The reason is because I got it as a gift from my wonderful boyfriend since I actually passed the math class I took during the spring of 2018. I had wished for the iPhone 8 Plus, but since it was so expensive, my bf got me the SE instead. He also dislikes phablets, but I would rather have a phablet than the tiniest phone available, just because it’s cheap and an iPhone. I swear it though, that if I’d gotten the 8 Plus, I’d still be using it and I would not feel that I’d have to replace that one anytime soon. At least with what I know and feel today. I was so happy about the SE, but the battery life most of all bugged the crap out of me. I had to take my charger everywhere I went!

When I finally started college last fall, most days I’d get to school with as little as 25-30% battery left and then I’d only listened to like a podcast, some music or audiobook and perhaps been hotspot for an hour on the train. I do now, however blaim myself a bit, because the most irritating part of charging the phone, actually did not have anything to do with the phone being that tiny. The bigger problem was the case I was using at the time, and me and the bf having bought some other kind of cables to charge our phones and other stuff with. The case I had was a double case, and with the charging cable, that required a special plug. It was impossible to change it out if I needed to use the original lightning cable. That was the most annoying thing about it. I could survive taking my charger with me at all times and having to charge my phone two times a day because it needed to. However, taking that special cable with me was harder for some reason, and if I think about it, I could’ve solved my issues with it if I’d just bought another case for my phone instead and used a screen protector.

When I finally decided to get another phone to get rid of my silly Apple ideas of a new phone, the first case I ordered was just a normal silicone case that’s easily removable. Already back then I’d figured out my problem, but still I had to buy a new phone anyway. That’s the way my stupid brain works these days. I had a plan for that phone as well and that was to order many cases for it, and switch them out whenever I feel like a change. I’ve bought so far 3 different cases, and currently I’m using the clear case from Apple along with a personalized skin underneath. I’ll probably continue to do so as well.

I’m sort of happy with that, if it wasn’t so damn hard to take the phone out of the case. The case itself feels wonderful in the hand, so I really do like it! Apple’s iPhone cases are totally different from other kinds of cases. First of all they are super-expensive for a case and secondly, you put the phone in the case a whole different way than with other cases. I’m used to putting the phone in “head first” and clicking it into place, but with the clear case at least, you have to put it in on the left or right side first, and then click it in to place. Also it doesn’t cover the bottom of the phone as well as some of the silicone cases I’ve used before.

Enough about cases. I’ve had the iPhone Xr for almost 9 months, like I mentioned before and it has worked perfectly from the beginning. It still feels like it’s new, but some things have been bugging me as well, and I have no idea what’s causing it. The thing I’m referring to is that sometimes when I’m starting an app where I need to message somebody. I start typing, the first letters go missing, or never gets recorded, so it’s really frustrating when that happens. It does not happen on my iPad, at least not that I’ve noticed as a problem, but it happens almost daily on my iPhone Xr. I don’t think it’s entirely the phone’s fault either. It could very well be me and my stupid fingers not touching the screen properly, or it’s because I’ve used FaceID for security reasons for some of those apps, but it’s annoying either way. Typing on the iPad is also a bit weird, but I blame that on my sweaty fingers!

However, these few weeks, it has happened a lot less, so perhaps it’s a bug that’s going away with a new update to iOS? I have no idea, or maybe it’s me touching the keyboard a lot better than I used to? I still have no clue at all on why it’s happening. In any case, that’s the only thing worth mentioning. The battery life is more than amazing with my usage, it’s still at 100% health as well. It’s fast, the camera is awesome and it feels better to hold with each day passing by. It has taken me a while to get used to the size, but the popsocket helps a lot with that.

I do have to mention as well, that the same day I decided to get a skin and use the clear case from Apple, I used the phone without a popsocket for a few hours and the phone felt really good to hold. All of a sudden it wasn’t too big. It felt normal and that felt great. I wish I could get that feeling back, and I probably could, but it would be hard for my mind to use this big phone without a popsocket for safety reasons. Still I do have Apple Care+ on it just to be safe and I use a screen protector since day 1 but I still do not want to drop it if I can prevent it. So far I have not dropped it and if I would take the case off, it would still look brand new. I do thank the popsocket for that! Not to mention the screen protector and all my cases I’ve used.

The idea I had with the Xr, and with the SE to be honest was to keep it for as long as possible. The reason for that is because I’m sick and tired of phones not lasting more than a year or so before they start to lag like crazy, crash on me and requiring multiple resets in order to work. That is one of the reasons why I went over to “the dark side” of Apple products from Android. With what I know now, I wonder why I haven’t done it sooner instead of bashing a company for creating products to beautiful and expensive for me to afford. If I’d known how stable and reliable Apple products are, I would not have laughed so hard at all the “sheep” for being loyal to this brand. You get what you pay for, it’s that simple, and it bugs me that I’m generally too poor to buy  products whenever I feel like it. If I had a full-time job as a developer with a monthly salary of at least $3600 before Swedish taxes (about $2600 left after taxes), it would be a whole other story.

However, it’s just laughable right now that I only had the SE for like 8 months, and going on almost 9 months with the Xr, I feel the urge to replace it with something new, without a legit reason. This time it’s different, though. This time I really have NO VALID REASON to replace my awesome current phone that is the iPhone Xr. I love it too much. I’m so satisfied with it and I really do hope and would like it to last me for another two years or so. As long as I do not break it, it would probably last easily 4-5 years, but I do not want to keep it for that long. No, when I get my first Great Dane, I must have a phone with at least more camera features. More about that later in this post.

Now, about the event that Apple held yesterday. I was absolutely blown away with what they announced. And I’m so jealous of the U.S prices😍. More on that too later on. If I’d still be using the SE, I would absolutely see a reason to upgrade asap, but “thankfully” I am happily stuck with the Xr. The prices are still too high for me to want to buy a new phone and I do not want to go through the struggle or hassle of selling my Xr or handing it in to Apple to get a little bit cheaper iPhone 11. It’s not necessary, since my current phone works so perfectly.

Sure, I’d love the new camera thingies. That is something I still miss, but not so much that I thought since if I try – I can take portrait mode photos of Maja (my cat) and not to mention, my own selfies rock! I also don’t record video and if i do, 1080p at 60 fps is more than enough for me. I do not need 4k at 60 fps on all my cameras on my phone.

Since I won’t be upgrading this year, I do feel very satisfied indeed that with the upcoming iPhones that will be released in 2020 (the iPhone 11s or 12?) and 2021(iPhone 12 or 12s?) will be absolute awesome phones to potentially upgrade too. I mean, with the iPhone 11, being a follower to my current iPhone Xr, I can now most likely be guaranteed to have a “cheaper” phone with at least two cameras on the back with all the camera features I need. They’d come with better front facing cameras that I currently have that can take photos of my fur legged friends without the struggle of getting a cat to sit still for a selfie. I imagine that when I’m ready for my first Great Dane, I’d really need a new iPhone with those portrait studio lightning features. That’s because I’d really like to take a gazillion photos of my future boy with those effects, without having a studio of my own or a green screen. Below you can see what I’m referring to. The image is a link and found on Pinterest.

A black beautiful Great Dane, with cropped ears against a somewhat black background.

So, what phone would I get if we’re playing around with the idea that I’d upgrade this year? Well, I’d absolutely have no problems what so ever to upgrade to the iPhone 11. That phone has basically everything I want, for a cheaper price. Still it’s really expensive, so if I’d get that one I’d most likely try to sell my Xr, or trade it in to Apple for an even cheaper price. The price in the U.S for the 11 is $699. I think that’s pretty cheap to be honest. The price for it in Sweden is a whopping $942, without any kind of discount. If I’d traded in my Xr, I’d get to buy it for about $720, so that’s not so bad, but still it’s too much for my wallet. Especially since I do not have a valid, legit reason for swapping out my Xr for a new phone any time soon. It would be a lot different if I’d live in the U.S or had a friend going over there soon and they could buy it for me and I could sell my Xr on the market and get at least $600 for it. The the new iPhone 11 would be so cheap it’s almost ridiculous. In my mind I feel like I could technically get the 11 for a maximum $360 if I did everything right, but that will never be possible. At least not here in Sweden unless I’d sell it on the market.

But it’s too much hassle and I don’t need it so I won’t bother with it. Still, I do feel the urge and probably will for months to come like I have for like almost two years now and the hunger for more Apple products is not going away. Just today I felt the urge again to buy new headphones, since my OnePlus Wireless bullets work like shit with all my Apple products. This has been going on since I first bought them. I feel so stupid now that I did not buy the BeatsX headphones instead. The OP Bullets are an exact copy of them, but the difference is they do not have the W1 chip, so that explains my problem. I can only pair it to one product at a time but never with my iPad for some shit reason, and it is so annoying. It also breaks (due to wind?) a lot and the battery life is unpredictable. Still I do love them, but they annoy me far too often due to these issues. The PowerBeats Pro that came out a few months ago are too expensive, so I do not want to buy those for that reason. Not when I could buy the BeatsX for like a $100 today. The AirPods do not fit my ears either, and I know that because I tried them last fall. I could really use a better pair of headphones, but I feel I’ve bought to many things this past year and somewhere, somehow I have to stop. At least regarding Apple related products.

Other stuff to mention about headphones is because I’ve noticed a “new problem” that bugs the crap out of me. The first I’ve already mentioned, which is not having the option of pairing the headphones with all my Apple products so I can switch between them easily. The other is that during school and otherwise while I’m learning to code, I like to listen to music. When I’m at home, it’s easy, since I use other speakers for that, either via bluetooth or via the headphone jack. The problem with this is that if I use the EarPods, they don’t fit my ears and they have the same setting as with any other speaker connected through the headphone jack. This means (and yes it has happened) that I will constantly have to change volume on my Mac. If I do not, I’ll get spooked and almost deaf if I get a message or something else on my laptop since I’ve set the speakers to 100% volume. The computer does not recognize multiple headphone jack headsets or speakers, so that’s a huge problem for my weird brain. They have to be set at 100% for the external speakers to work properly. That means that all sounds on the Mac are set at 100% volume.

Today I used my OP bullets when I used my laptop at school and it worked great, until I forgot why this is a huge hassle in itself for not having the W1 chip built in. In order for me to use the OP bullets on my Mac, I have to forget or disconnect them from my iPhone. Then I have to connect to them on my computer. When I’m done, I have to remember to disconnect from my Mac and then immediately reconnect to them on my iPhone. Today I forgot the last step, so when I wanted to use them on the bus, I couldn’t because they reconnected to the MacBook Pro again. I did not feel like I wanted to take out my computer on the bus, so I had to use the whole almost an hour trip without any kind of music or audiobooks. That sucked balls and it got me very upset again, since I’m listening to a very exciting audio book theatre of the Chronicles of Narnia, and I love it!

If I wasn’t on the way home I’d stop by at the Apple store directly and I would not care and I’d bought myself a pair of BeatsX no matter what. Maybe I’ll do that tomorrow, because I’m so sick of this. At least the price has gone down, but still. It’s so annoying that I always feel I have to replace my shit with better stuff in order to have a normally functioning life. Something must be wrong with this system?! I’m not a fan. I just want everything to work as intended. How hard must that be? Too hard and way too expensive it seems… Gah!

Going back to today’s topic of iPhones… I do have to mention the iPhone 11 pro, though. I would “prefer” to upgrade to that one if I could, but there is basically (and almost) one reason for that. The size of the phone. If I had a phone in that size, I would not need a popsocket. Not that I find the popsocket annoying or anything, but it would just be slightly better to not have to use one. I don’t have to use one now, but I do feel a lot safer with it and it makes typing a little better as well. Not to mention better videos and less shaky photos. With the battery life of the 11 pro getting so much better, it’s also a huge benefit, but it’s not the main reason why’d I want it. It’s mainly the size. With my current usage of the Xr, the normal 11 or today’s Xs – the battery life would be more than enough for me. The drawback with having such an amazing battery life on the Xr is me being used to not charging it daily. The other day, I forgot to charge the phone overnight for two nights in a row, but with my usage, it lasted without a problem, and when I finally did charge it, I had 35% left, so I could probably have gone on for one more day. I still, some 8 months later usually end my days with 70 – 85% battery left, so I basically just use my phone for less than 2 hours a day.

Well, there you have it. The conclusion is I still feel the urge to upgrade my phone even though I do not have any kind of reason to do so this year. I’d like more Apple products, like new headphones, perhaps an Apple watch and for some stupid reason I keep dreaming about having an iMac, even though I definitely do not need a new computer. More about that in another post. I don’t know why I feel such an urge to keep buying Apple products. Is it because of their marketing? The way they lure you in with such great products that not one is enough, you have to have them all? Is it because of the safety and privacy reasons? The eco system? The stability and reliability? I have no idea, but I still wish it would stop. I imagine it won’t. Not until I have bought every single product they have and then some. Or I find something better to fill my stupid brain with, so I can learn to let go and always be satisfied with what I have.

A tiny disclaimer, though, before I go. I am generally satisfied with what I have. It takes very little to make me very happy. And also very little to destroy everything. Before you ask – I am (at least on paper) on the autism spectrum, so there’s that… But I hate to talk about it. The main reason I am dissatisfied with something, is if some thing does not work. If it is something that can be bought and used, it’s mostly because it does not work as intended. If it does not, I wanna fix it. Usually the story is, if it’s NOT an Apple product, aka Google based or Windows/PC based – it breaks way too often, lags or is basically crap most of the time. Or mostly its just those kinds of products that we have used for so many years that have a tendency to break. The only issue I’ve had with an Apple product is the keyboard issue with my MacBook Pro and that weird stutter when I start a messaging app on my Xr that is worth mentioning. Apple has fixed my keyboard once, and I might have to re-visit them again for them to have another look at it since the E key is yet again starting to become an issue. Last time they checked, it was fine, but then it started acting up again. It’s quite annoying, and has made me switch things up a bit while I’m at home on my computer. I’ll write more about that in an upcoming post.

Along with all that other  stuff…

The “egg” video gave me something to think about. I don’t think you’ll like it.

This post is about the Kurzgesagt video that came out last week. It was called the egg and it’s basically a theory about what happens after you die. It’s really interesting, but if it would be true, I would not like it. At least as far as I see myself in my current life. Watch the video before you read this post, if you haven’t already.

Did you watch it? I hope so, otherwise the spoilers will join you now. The video is a story about a dad who dies in a car accident, leaving his family behind. He meets “god” and finds out that he’s been living and dying basically billions of times and will continue to do so until every living creature that has ever lived will die once. Then it all ends, or something. It’s a very interesting story indeed, but when I started thinking about it, I got pretty sad and almost upset.

The reason for that is because this current life is a lot different from so many people living today. I mean, who could’ve known that there would be a person alive on this planet, suffering from fibromyalgia, totally obsessed with a dog breed called Great Danes, who does not want kids, hates being female, who made more mistakes anyone thought possible? A person who missed out on so many things due to life and its decisions etc that is so different about me? I mean, when you think about it – I am not normal, nor do I wanna be. I love certain aspects of myself, but I really dislike some few minor things, like the anger issues I’ve mentioned before. Still. I’m quite proud of how far I’ve gotten, and I shudder to think that all those other current 7 billion people keeping me company on this planet will actually in that case be me someday. Or perhaps I’ve already lived those lives before, but I don’t remember it. Thinking of that aspect just makes this theory suck even more.

I mean, I basically only see the bad things if that was true. How many times in my life will I live my life as a female, having at least one child, going through child birth. Ok, in most cases I’d want those kids, but still. It feels horrible from my current perspective. Not just because I’ll be female and having kids, but also that would mean that EVERY choice everybody makes has already been set, because nothing could change that. It’s already been set!

In my next life, because yes – I do believe in re-incarnation I’m secretly hoping that I’ll be born a male, with a real functioning normal-sized dick because in my current life I do not want to go through the hassle of changing my gender. The reason for that is because I do not want it that much, since I’ve figured out how to live my life the way I please without it, but I won’t go into details. Let’s just say I’m happy with the way some things are right now.

I keep thinking of how many times, if the egg theory is true, I’ll be confined to a wheelchair, how many times I’ll end up in a hospital, horribly disfigured or badly injured. How many times my house will burn down, how often I’ll lose my child or my significant other, my parents or my whole family. How many times I’ll go through divorce, be a (wounded) soldier in a meaningless war, be a refugee, dying from starvation etc. I just do not see the good in this. But still. I also keep thinking about my own thoughts about the after-life.

I am not religious. I do not believe in “God”. I do believe in something, like perhaps some shit in the Matrix, where there’s a board of people looking over this “simulation” we’re living in. In that scenario it also feels that we have no free will and every choice ever made has already been set for every living thing that has ever lived or will live. That is so sad if it were true. I believe there’s magic, and I also believe in science, because why wouldn’t I? My current belief and hope would be that there would not be any religions, and instead everybody would have science as their “religion”. Basically, if there is no proof, people would not follow that advice, but if there was proof, they would follow it. This is however not a perfect solution, but I am referring to studies being made without an agenda. Sort of like proofing eggs are the worst food, without the egg board getting in the way. In my “perfect” science world there wouldn’t even be an egg board… Or money and every human being on earth would eat a plant based diet, and all carnivorous pets would eat meat made in labs. But that’s just me. And what I think will never become anything important if this egg theory is true.

The reason I think like that is because religions destroy more than they create. We start war over different beliefs. Something that there is no evidence for. People die, women and children get hurt, and animals gets killed for nothing. It’s not right and it’s not fair to nobody. I do respect people who are religious, but religion itself is one of the worst things we humans have created. Fine if all of it was evidence-based, but it’s not. That’s why it’s garbage in my opinion.

I guess I haven’t really thought it over, regarding my own beliefs about re-incarnation. In some ways they co-exist with the egg theory, because why wouldn’t it be true? If I wish to be male in my next life, I do have thoughts and “wishes” that I will remember some aspects of my current life. If nothing else would be different about me, and I’d been born male, I’d be pretty happy and that’s what I sort of have been thinking as well. This egg theory has changed everything. I might as well turn out to be some male in this world, but it bothers me that I won’t remember my old life or older lives. Will I think and feel just as I do now, regarding some spiritual stuff I’ve felt my whole life, or will I just live my life like everybody else without thinking about it? Perhaps everybody feels the way I do, but since it is impossible to talk about, we don’t and we live this “secret” life until we die and get re-born some other time in this universe’s timeline?

The egg video… well, what to say? What to do? I just see the bad aspects of it. I shudder when I’ll in that case become my weird ass exes and they’ll fall in love with me and ruin my life over and over again. I do not want to go through that! But I guess nobody cares, since if the theory is true, nobody will remember their old lives they’ve lived before a billion times. It’s so sad and frustrating. It really changes everything.

And I do not approve.

I don’t want to count calories, but damn – I think it’s necessary…😱

During this summer, I’ve started eating more Whole Foods Plant Based(WFPB), but the weight loss I thought was gonna happen so fast has barely moved this time. I have no idea why, but since this past few weeks since we bought a new scale I think I know the answer. And I hate it.

The last time in my life that I lost a huge amount of weight was in 2010, when me and the BF decided to restrict calories to the bare minimum (aka 1200 kcal) and take daily walks of at least 30-40 minutes. I lost about 16 lbs, at least 3″ of my waist and I felt great and it all happened in about 3 months. Since then, the weight has been creeping up again, of course and I’ve only become fatter and fatter and officially overweight with a BMI of around 26. My goal there is about perhaps 20? One reason for that is that calorie counting has never been sustainable for us. It only works as long as you keep doing it, and if you start it, you basically have to do it for the rest of your life. No fun! Going vegetarian did not help either, but I refuse to start eating meat again. I see meat and animal products as dead body parts, secretions and periods of living beings that are murdered for nothing destroying the planet in the process. Not to mention human health. I’ve written before about human physiology, so if you have no idea what I’m referring to, read all my posts about veganism.

Moving on. When I started this journey of finally losing weight in the summer of 2019 and feeling better, I did see some minor results within the first few weeks. Then it stopped. I don’t really know what the difference was, because I’ve been filling out cronometer pretty much daily and the answer might be as simple as calories in, calories out. For me, personally, I need about 1600 kcal per day to keep this current high weight off about 160 lbs when my “goal” is around 120 lbs. Especially since I practically never move my body these days. If I get 1000 steps in, it’s a good day, so yeah. Couch potato deluxe. When I used to drink a lot of smoothies, I probably ate below 1600 kcal in a day, but I got in a lot of fiber. Then the math test happened and after that I crashed. So low. OMG. After that I changed my eating habits again. Still ate a lot of WFPB foods of course and tried to keep it as vegan as possible, but the weight did not come off. It stagnated and it’s been like that for about 6 weeks. The good thing is that I probably have not gained any weight.

About two weeks ago, we bought a new scale, because the BF is also tired of being overweight. Still his ways of losing weight is not the way I want to lose my weight, but as long as we’re both doing something, it’s a good thing. His way is mostly about counting calories and eating as little as possible. Or basically starving yourself of nutrients and fiber. We’ve gotten ourselves a can of vitamins due to that. I do not want to do that, starve myself that is! Not since I’ve read about how to eat WFPB for so many years.

If you eat basically a 100% WFPB diet, you do not have to count calories. If you focus on the fiber and nutrients, which I’ve done, you don’t have to worry about calories and that’s how I want to lose the weight and keep it off. Still, since we got the scale, I’ve been weighing myself almost daily (and hating it, because I weigh to much), and it has made me to think about calories, even though I do not want to. Still, counting calories has helped. I’ve lost a kilo of weight during these past two weeks. Perhaps more, and the weight started coming off the minute I started eating less than 1600 kcal per day. It escalated when I started taking almost daily walks of at least 40 minutes on average. I now have eaten around 1200 kcal per day and for the last week I’ve started walking again. My goal is to keep going with this, even though I feel like I’m starving myself. Even though I’m technically not. More about this below, so keep reading. Beware of repetition!

I do eat until I’m full, and I still focus on nutrients and fiber, so I do not feel that hungry, but I don’t like it. At all. I feel tired as shit again, and it feels like eating less and starving myself is more important than getting fiber and nutrients, even though I’m still doing my best to eat better. And to repeat myself again, I do get most of my nutrients in, so there is really no need to worry. I do start to panic if my daily menu goes over 1200 kcal and I still feel like I need a fatty, nutritious sauce for my dinner. Like a sauce based on tahini that makes it all that much healthier. And tastier 😋

The thing is that with a WFPB diet, if you focus on nutrients and fiber (at least 60 g per day for me), you by default eat a low calorie diet. That’s because the major components of fruits, vegetables, whole grains, nuts, seeds and legumes are nutrient dense but low in calories. Sure, fatty sources like nuts and seeds do have plenty calories, but they’re not supposed to be the base of your diet, unless you eat like Miles from Healthy Crazy Cool on Youtube.

I guess I feel this way due to how this summer has been. It’s been nothing but chaos, really. At least in my head and as of now it’s somewhat worse. I’m currently waiting on getting some notion on what I’m supposed to do this fall and it’s a huge roller coaster. I can’t stand it! Just give me an answer already and let me stick to that education of choice! Preferably the new one here in Malmö. I do believe that’s a better choice for me.

At least I’ve started the new education program I’ve talked about, and it feels great. I’d rather continue that one now to be honest, but chances are that I still might continue my old program with a bunch of more sickening math courses, commutes and less programming than I’d get on the new education. At least it feels like that. The only thing keeping me wanting to continue there is due to my awesome classmates, but more than half of them will quit probably either way due to this math crap. Oh, who cares, really? I’m so sick of it! It prevents me from thinking straight. Everything for way too long has been about this math class I will fail. I just want to drop it and move on with my life.

This math crap turns me into a person I don’t want to be. It makes me feel like everything good turns to shit around me, even that’s not the case. Yeah, I imagine things, but I know I am imagining them. Things are better than I’d ever thought they’d be. That includes me getting my health on track, with taking walks, eating less, focusing on fiber and nutrients and hopefully a new way of the best health possible for me. Getting accepted to a “worse” or “better” college for my own learning progress in becoming a software developer in the future is great in my opinion! It makes me so happy! The math prevents me from focusing on programming the right way, and all my anger I’ve expressed this summer is due to the math. Basically nothing else. I can feel it in my bones. I basically panic due to this shit. That is why I feel like I’m starving myself right now, even though I’m getting enough nutrients in a day. Isn’t that weird? I hate it.

Oh, so much. Such garbage…

What I’d like to do in order to become a better developer

If this is the first time you’ve visited this blog, you might not know that I’m striving towards becoming a programmer of sorts. A web developer, software developer or any other kind of developer that daily sits around and “plays around” with code and gets paid for it. I’ve currently finished (except for math class) the first year of college, but since I won’t be able to pass the math class (because of the reality of my situation), I’m focusing on the other Higher Vocation Education(HVE) program I’ve been accepted to instead.

Aka, I’ve done perhaps 4 hours of math in 6 weeks, instead of 4 hours per day like it was planned, so thanks a bunch for nothing I say to who ever feels they need it. I Personally would’ve been a lot better off if I did not feel this pressure. You will learn why in this post. I’ve been too tired and I actually don’t feel like its useful either, so that’s why I haven’t done it. I’m just not able too, so good luck to me on my future and last 2 exams in this math class I promised to take. I’ll celebrate like crazy if I get more than 2 points on either test. Moving on!

In my current education, I’ve learned Java, with MySQL databases and JavaFX and with the new program I’ll learn .NET. Hopefully the core versions where I can continue using my  products instead of that sluggish Windows OS. Bootcamp, sucks because Windows sucks these days in my world. What a cluttered mess! But I’ll use it if the school will really require it, and I’ll hate it and probably complain about it a whole lot. That’s also the only downside to learning .NET, since it’s so windows focused, but I just want to do programming, so I’ll overcome my issues as long as I can code.

During this summer, since the news of me getting accepted to the .NET HVE program, I’ve started to learn as much as possible about this platform. As a n00b in programming languages and the worst debugger ever, I can say that there are a lot of differences between JavaFX and ASP.NET. The similarities are basically the MVC pattern, but otherwise, everything else is different. At least from what I know and have learned from my first year of college. For a start, I can’t find an easy drag and drop system for desktop applications on MacOS. What I mean by that is that everything in dotnet is made with code like css & html instead of placing buttons, fields and labels manually via drag & drop. With JavaFX there’s Scenebuilder, even though it’s buggy as hell. Also with ASP.NET web applications it’s possible to generate and create databases and tables from code, using SqlServer or Sqlite. From what I’ve learned, this is not possible with Java and MySQL. Aka generate a whole database from your model classes and a DB connection class file (DbContext file in .NET)

Let me know in the comments if this is possible. Also I’d like to know if there is a free software (or very, very cheap, like $5 – $10) online able for download where I can manually create relationships between tables (EER diagrams) like you can do with workbench etc. I need this for either SqlServer or Sqlite databases on a Mac. Preferably without using Visual Studio as well. I prefer Rider from Jetbrains…

I’ve mainly tried making ASP.NET web applications, taking one step forwards and two steps back at every turn, but it has made me see my own personal issues a whole lot more than I ever thought possible. First of all, I have zero patience on a bad day. On a good day – I have more than enough. And I have had a lot of them bad days this summer. You can learn why in my previous post. I practically never debug, and if I do, I need help on how to (and where to ) start. I google a lot, but it takes me sometimes weeks to find the right answer for my specific problem. I do not (generally) read books about programming, or other places on how everything works. What I’ve learned about programming, I’ve learned from testing a crap load of different code snippets until it finally works, without the use of git, or commits, so I have no idea on how many things I’ve tried to make that special problem work. Or why it didn’t work in the first place. I’ve also learned it from remembering lectures, or from working with the principles on school projects or tasks. I’ve also gotten loads of help from my class mates or teachers. For example I know the MVC pattern well, and how inheritance works etc (aka object-oriented programming and basic programming in Java), but remembering smaller things is harder since I do have those memory issues to deal with.

9 times out of 10, the solution to my problem is due to one line of code being wrong somewhere in all the classes or methods. This often causes an exception of sorts. Or I’m missing a semicolon, or something very simple. The other day I wen’t completely nuts trying to figure out why I couldn’t customize the Identity framework in ASP.NET core. I’ve been to do this a 100 times these past weeks or something. The problem was a NullReferenceException where I by mistake put INPUT.whatever in the InputModel on the Index.cshtml.cs file where it should’ve been user.whatever instead. The input.whatever is used for actual inputs, like forms, not when you’re trying to access an object. Then you use the object with instance variables and the like. My terminology sucks, so sorry about that. It said user in the tutorial, but I skipped that since that’s what I do (aka never read texts very thoroughly , even though I looked at that code a million times that day.

It wasn’t until about 10 hours later, that I finally calmed down enough that I figured it all out. I felt so frickin’ stupid afterwards. I really do need to get rid of my bad coding behaviors, because this is just really bad. For my mind, my health, my everything… I can’t be a good programmer with these horrible, horrible tendencies and practices. I have to do something about it, preferably long before I get my first real job in this field, or internship.

Since I tend to remove and re-start my projects when I’ve failed way too much instead of just doing everything in a better way, I get too frustrated that I just want to delete everything. But my mind can’t stop thinking about finding a solution to the problem, so when I re-start the project (often like 5 minutes later) with the previous code deleted and I found the solution to the latest problem, I basically have to start from the beginning with everything about 5 times a week, or perhaps more. I did this too when I learned Java, but not to the same extent, since I had tasks to follow and I actually did save all the code. Now it’s gone, since I did a spring cleanup on my computer to save space, when summer started and school was finished, so that was also a stupid mistake. But I do this with everything, deleting stuff thinking I’ll never need it, and then a few, minutes, weeks, months or years after I discover I really do need it and it’s gone and I can’t get it back. I regret so much… Never delete stuff, but don’t become a hoarder is the lesson to be learned here! Just keep your valuable stuff safe!

The good side with this awful behavior is that I’m learning a ton regarding how to make ASP.NET web applications and I have found that I actually do like it, regardless of the behavior I have when learning and doing this code-related thing. The bad stuff is the obvious stuff. I must get rid of it! It’s that my frustration and zero patience gets the best out of me. I’ve never been able to hide it, deal with it etc. It’s been a lifelong struggle and my (huge) anger management issues prevents me from seeing the solution, often staring me in the face in the code I’ve written. I can however control myself so I am not destroying things that are valuable, or hurting others, so it’s not that bad, but I hate what it’s doing to me. I hate this aspect of my life. I just want to get rid of it! It’s hurting me more than it hurts everybody else and I’m so sick of this. It’s sucking my will to live or something… I’ve had more than enough of this craziness. And I want to do something about it before it’s too late. But I don’t know what or even how.

Like I mentioned, the other day I was basically(but not really), pulling my hair out, scaring the cat and the whole neighborhood with my yelling and swearing out of frustrations, because a simple thing I’ve done too many times this past month or so all of a sudden didn’t work. No matter what I did – I could not make it work. It made me crazy mad. Still, instead of taking a break, doing something else for a few hours, my mind works in such a mysterious ways that I find it impossible to stop problem solving. I just have to solve every problem that occurs, or else I go mad. But I go mad in the process, since I basically never know the solution for my problem. Or it’s a catch 22 situation, damned if you do-damned if you don’t situation that prevents me from doing the right thing. It does not help that many tutorials I find online only takes the steps to make an app half-way, so it does not help with my current problem. Only how to make a project a gazillion times if you know what I mean…

With programming, it’s my horrible way to learn it that stands in the way of me getting better and becoming a great developer. I don’t read the books. I don’t watch that many YouTube videos that explains everything – unless I have to for a school task, I google forever and don’t understand what I’m finding out, I test using code snippets I find on stackoverflow instead of debugging (with breakpoints, have not learned unit testing yet), I rarely commit and basically never use git for my personal projects.

For school it’s a whole other thing… Oh, and also – I misunderstand basically everything, I don’t read it all carefully and I skip basically everything I don’t care about, and just go for a code snippet I think could work. I guess in that way I’m a slacker, but I’ve never in my life had the “push” or motivation I’ve needed in order to actually make something of myself. Until I made the decision that I want to become a developer, about 2.5 years ago (somewhere during the spring of 2017). That’s why it’s taken me way too long to become a developer in the first place. A normal version of me would’ve done this over 10 years ago. Also I find reading being very tedious, and I’ve never liked it. It mostly has to do with me not understanding what I read in most cases, or if its fictional, I have a hard time visioning what the books are explaining. The only time I like reading books is if I’ve seen the movie or tv show before, but I still do prefer the visual version of books anyway.

I’m ambitious, I’m driven, I learn and I love learning it. Remembering it is hard due to the fibromyalgia stuff, but still. I love to learn new stuff! I got an A in the latest class where me and 4 other guys in my class made a JavaFX app and I did that without effort. All of us felt it was way too easy to make, and I still feel that way. I do love a challenge, but it’s hard doing it on my own, in my “preferred” loneliness. Or perhaps forced loneliness. When I’m with class mates or getting help around people in general, it goes a lot better, and I do not get this pissed off or frustrated since help is always there. Regarding programming, nobody in my current class have said I’m not doing enough, they see how driven I am, and my ambitious side. They also understand what prevents me from doing more. Having fibromyalgia and being ~50 lbs overweight is certainly not good for my health.

Also having to commute for like 3 hours per day does not help either with my issues, so that would probably be better for me and my health that I don’t have to commute 125 miles per day by train. I can do it, but it also takes a toll on my health since all that traveling makes me tired. If I will change schools this fall to the HVE program, I’m gonna try and see if I can either walk or ride my bicycle to school instead of taking the bus, just to get the exercise in daily in order to help me lose the weight and regain my health. I might take my car some days as well when the weather is to crappy unless the parking is too expensive. Then I’d take the bus, but I’m not planning on getting a bus pass just yet.

I do blame myself in various ways – to a degree. Especially from what I’ve seen me doing since I started learning this new platform. I thought somehow that I’ve learned to calm myself down, let it go and do better after this last semester finished, but no. It’s probably gotten worse. What I personally blame it on is all this crap with the math class that’s been going on for 8 months or so now. You can read all about it in my Swedish blog, if you understand the language or get the gist of it in my previous post, I’ve linked before. I can feel it in my bones that the frustration I currently have, have nothing to do with the actual programming.

I mean, I know I’m missing something when I get stuck and out of extremely bad habits I start to swear like a pirate that never set foot on land, instead of just remaining calm. The things that have happened to me lately have affected me in the most negative way possible. I feel useless, I fear that I have no future, that I’ll never make something of myself, that I’ll never succeed, never will work in this field, have my future Great Dane, live in a house, lose the weight and never regain my health. Or have enough money in a steady income. All because of this stupid math crap, where I’ve actually for the first time in my life done my absolute best to pass and still failed. At least I feel that way. What others think of my performance has nothing to do with how I’m currently in this nightmare. It has broken me in ways others probably will never understand.

I know that I have to calm down, not get stirred up over the tiniest things, not lose my cool, read up on the issue, debug, ask for help, watch the videos and do whatever else I can to get myself back together or just stop when it’s been going on for too long. However, until everything of this bullshit stupid mess is resolved in a few weeks, I guess my bad days will only continue. And they probably will continue for the rest of my life since it’s been going on forever already.

I almost pray that the new HVE program will help me change my behavior regarding this. That in that program I’ll learn how to cope with my frustrations, how to code for real and not get lost every five minutes etc. I mean, if I can never stop this horrid actions of mine, I’ll never be the person I want to be – for real. I’ve struggled with this my whole life and I’ve never – ever had a chance to learn why this is, and how to do something about it. People say “calm down”. Yeah? How the hell do I do that when I can’t see straight, when my voice is so sore from yelling, and I want to do bad stuff to myself or others from all the frustrations I’m feeling (metaphorically speaking). Like I’ve mentioned before – I’d never do such a horrible thing. How the fudge do I calm down in those situations? I do not know, because I have yet to learn how. And I’m 37 years old.

The only thing I know about my anger issues is that they are a part of my family tree and they get worse due to my plethora of illnesses I have. I’m the only one in my (extended) family that suffers from so many issues. The others are a lot healthier than me and they were not born with fibromyalgia or those other issues I have. Several family members have the same problems with anger, but not as severe as me. The difference is that they know when it is time to let it go and do something else for a while. I do not. I keep going until I’m blue in the face and I huff and puff from the anger I’m feeling. And then I keep going. They also do not get totally pissed off from like the zipper on your jacket not working, or the water being too cold. Or something else that is super tiny that nobody should ever even worry about or think twice about. They get angry when they have to and keep their cool whenever else. I get angry about everything on a bad day and I hate it.

A few years ago, I thought that it had to do with my hormones since I calmed down a lot for a few months when I started taking a shot to prevent me getting my period, but that only lasted for so long, so it has nothing to do with my hormones. At least what I know from experience. From what I’ve learned lately, it has more to do with genetics and that my fibromyalgia and other issues just enhances this. Bad habits and a “slacker” lifestyle has also prevented me from doing something about it, if it’s even possible to handle my temper in any way.

If I could change only one thing about myself it would be to get rid of my anger management issues. If I could do that, I’d be the happiest person alive. And that’s a promise, no matter what happens.

So, what should you do in order to be a good programmer/developer? Well, read the books (and everything in them) that the teacher gives you/class demands/you have in your possession, watch good Youtube channels that explains everything, and follow every useful tutorial you see to a T. Debug with breakpoints, do unit tests, use git and commit as often as possible. Do not be afraid to ask for help. Do not delete your code! Keep it safe for future references. Try exercise, taking a walk or cuddling your pet if you have one, or say hi to your kids if that’s another choice when/if you feel a buildup of anger issues coming up. Etc. Etc…

No matter what you do when you’re developing stuff – just don’t do it like I do it, and you’ll probably become a better programmer either way. Medical problems or not – just do not do it like I do it.

I’m gonna spend this summer crying my eyes out…

If you read my Swedish blog, you’ll know what this is about, but for those of you who don’t, I shall explain a little bit what’s going on. It’s about math, and that stupid, annoying math class I’m continuing to fail, over and over again. I’ve failed 4 exams in a row, which are all the exams possible for that class as of now. There are two more in the month of august. I’ve never been able to pass 2 points on the exam out of 18. I got one on the first one, two on the 2nd one, one again on the third and 2 on the 4th exam. With the 3rd and 4th exams I’ve studied as much as I possibly could, but I still went nowhere near a passing grade. The exams are too hard!

After the 4th exam I had a mental breakdown. No matter what I do, it is not enough. No matter what I do, it will never be enough. I feel pointless, useless, stupid and totally broken. Why is that? Because the math exams are so frickin’ hard that if you’re not already a math genius, you won’t pass this class. I have a disability, and I have a document that is supposed to help me pass the classes. The teacher has said no to all of that so I’m completely left to my own devices here, or whatever the expression is. I’ve written a little bit about this before, so re-read that post if you want to know more.

Since this mental breakdown, I have decided for like. the first time in my life that now it’s time to give up. There is no point of going on, since no matter how hard I study, I will never pass this class. The exams are too hard. And for some stupid reason it’s all my fault for not studying enough, for not being able to understand how math works, how to apply an equation to a general life situation. I’ve never had to do that in my life. Math is just stupid math in my book. Even if I know math is behind basically everything in our society, I’ve never thought about it that way. The calculator fixes that for me, or the app I’m using for whatever it is I’m doing, or the computer program. If I wanna drive my car, I press the pedal and steer the wheel. I do not think about math then. I think about driving! etc… If I wanted to know how much a soda costs, I’d ask for the price at the café… not solve an equation! If I’d build a house, I’d hire a building company and pay the bill. My math skills needed for daily tasks I learned before I started high school. Learning and fiddling with programming, I do understand that some more math is needed, but it is not much. And I’ve learned that stuff – from studying, but on an exam I fail to show it because instead of the exam having a normal question that I know, because I’ve practiced how to do it, there’s like a super advanced question, ten times harder to answer, which is impossible to do. Unless you understand math. Which I do not. So I’m screwed. And that’s my fault, and on and on it goes. A catch 22, a slippery slope, a stupid shit garbage situation I cannot get out of. This will be the death of me, surely. It sure feels like it right now. I’m on the verge of crying just thinking about this shit, and still people want me to keep going?! And I will because I feel I must. I do not want more anxiety in my life. Those days must be over! FFS!

I’m not alone in this. Many of my classmates are in this shitty mess. I do have a backup, and that is that I applied to other colleges (2 year, instead of 3) which is called Higher Vocation Education. I’ll become the exact same thing as I would be in this current program, I’ll get internships, and I get to learn and practice programming a whole lot more than in my current college program, plus there is no more math classes, just programming and developing. Just what I want! The only thing I might miss is not having a class in algorithms, but I’d learn absolutely everything I need in order to get a job as a software developer, and that’s what I want. A job, with a salary working with code. Problem solved, duh! Or not.

Higher Vocational Education (Yrkeshögskolan) is a post-secondary form of education that combines theoretical and practical studies in close cooperation with employers and industry. Programmes are offered in specific fields where there is an explicit demand for competence.

Yrkeshögskolan, Sverige

I’ve been accepted to 3 of the other programs, two as a Java software developer and one as a software developer in .NET. I’m going to the .NET one if this math crap never gets resolved. I know Java already, so why not learn a new language and platform? After the breakdown of mine, I’ve lost all sense of purpose regarding basically everything I’m doing. I’m so tired I can’t think, I can’t sleep at night, it takes me forever and I am so confused. I just want to stop. Take a break, take a vacation, do something else. Or just sleep. Still, recent events have pushed me to continue. I do not want to disappoint my darling BF and some friends of ours. They’ve made me to feel I must continue, even if I see no point to do so. I feel forced, at the same time I feel like I cannot disappoint without having anxiety about that too. I still have enough anxiety over this crap as it is. I am not worthy of passing this class. I hate feeling so anxious! I haven’t felt like this for years. It’s like at every corner something is coming to break me down further and there is no way out. The only way out is to proceed, fail, disappoint and never be enough, because I’m so utterly useless. Great feelings to have, right? It’s not fair, not since I’ve done my absolute best and that is not enough. Especially since I’ve not gotten proper help to pass the class and the exams are on a whole other level of accomplishments. The class is so hard, but for no reason. Last year the exams were normal. If I’d take a test from last year, I’ve already passed the class and I would not be in this situation. So I’ve learned my stuff, but it’s impossible to prove due to reasons that are so ridiculous and it just fills me with rage and disgust.

I tried earlier today to study some, but I’m so tired it’s a miracle I know my own name, and that I find my way home if I’d take a walk. I have promised them to do my best, yet again and find the energy to continue, but as long as I’m this tired, it’s a no-go. Blogging and watching tv, blend a smoothie is like all I am able to do. I’ve tried playing around with Java last week, but I’ve forgotten some important stuff so that’s a bit hard as well.

I basically just feel like crying all the time. And I probably will cry anytime and a lot of times until this shit is resolved. Fucking garbage. I hate this crap!

Why I want a Great Dane, and why he will come from a breeder.

This post is somewhat of a follow up to all those vegans post I’ve written on this blog, and also especially those I’ve written recently. This post is basically about the whole #AdoptDontShop thing that’s so popular with vegans on social media and in the U.S.

I’m from Sweden. Born and raised and I still live here. I’ll probably live here all my life too. Sweden is a very special country to live in. Our laws and security system makes it one of the best countries a person like me can feel safe and secure in. Of course, it’s not a perfect country, but it’s a nice place to live in according to myself. The weather sucks, of course… Regarding veganism, we “pride” ourselves on our extreme and awesome animal rights laws, but in real life – it’s as bad as any other country. We just don’t use that much antibiotics. We still torture and enslave pigs, cows and chickens for their flesh and secretions as much as any other country.

America, aka the U.S have a huge problem with backyard breeders, homeless dogs and cats, shelters filled with unwanted pets, and horrible animal rights laws. That’s no lie. This is true in a lot of countries world wide, not just the U.S. Due to this issue, mainly all the vegans I’ve seen on social media urges people that wants to get cats or dogs as pets(more likely family members) to adopt them instead and don’t buy a dog or cat from a breeder – no matter what. In their situation, I definitely agree. However, what I feel regarding myself and getting new fur babies into my home, I feel a bit different about the whole thing.

I have, to be honest an awful history of having pets. Trust me, I do regret so much which is why I act differently these days regarding getting a new fur baby into my life. I’ve had dogs, I have a cat, but I used to have two. My current cat is called Maja and she’s as of now 12 years old. I hope she’ll live until she’s a hundred or something. Or at least 20. She’s not adopted, rescued or not even bought. I don’t remember if I paid anything to get Maja and her brother all those years ago, but I’ve had her since she was a baby. She’s probably inbred, but she’s really frickin’ healthy and I love her. So much! I wanted to get a cat due to having a dog was too much trouble and my history with having dogs have been nothing but regrets.

When I was younger, I was pretty easy to convince, and because of that, I’ve made so many mistakes in my past. My first dog was a Welsh Corgi Cardigan named Rasmus. I’d just gotten my first real apartment, and I had all the time (and money) in the world for a smaller dog. Even though I was desperate to get a Great Dane, I decided that my first dog would be of another breed and I ended up with Rasmus. I only had him for about 5 months. Why, you may ask? Did he die? Was he sick? No, he was almost perfect. No, I had an idiot boyfriend back then (the first of a few really bad jerks) who hated the fact that I got a dog. He forced me to get rid of him. Aka, to make the breeder take him back. If I didn’t, he’d leave me. So after days of arguing about it, I went along with it. It took a while until the breeder could take him, and during that time, my idiot bf fell in love with Rasmus, and when it was time to say goodbye, my jerk of a boyfriend changed his mind and wanted me to keep him. Then it was too late. What happened? He blamed me for everything! A month later after the breeder took him back, the jerk left me. There I was, no dog and no boyfriend. I hate his guts for doing this to me still to this day, about 16 years later now…

The next idiot of a boyfriend (who later turned into my husband, silly, desperate me) wanted to give me the whole world. If I wanted a dog, I should have one. If I wanted stuff, I should have it. No matter what I wanted, I should get it. That resulted in various dogs coming into our household, some rescued, some mixed breeds and another Welsh Corgi Cardigan named Hampus. All during these years, I was still so desperate of getting a Great Dane, and I did my best to save up money to buy my first one, but I was never able to save anything. No, since he wanted to give me everything and more, we always spent that money doing something else (or getting some pet) instead of just being better with money and let me save to get my most wanted, longed for Great Dane of Awesomeness. Even though I liked (or loved) Rasmus and the WCW breed, I felt that he nor the other dogs were not a Great Dane.

It was worse with all those other dogs as well, those mixed breeds and rescues we took care of or bought and handed back after a few weeks or months. After like the second or third dog, I felt like I’ve had enough. No more pets! Not until I’ll be getting my Great Dane! Well, what happened? My boyfriend, then turned husband went and bought Hampus. At the worst time of my life. I was not ready, nor did I want a dog. Hampus was also the worst, but I was probably even worse. Back then I followed Cesar Millan’s advice and I probably made a monster out of Hampus due to that. I had no energy those days and I just was a bad dog owner. It was before I knew I had fibromyalgia as well, so my lethargic behaviour had no explanation. I was also unemployed with little or basically no money. We managed to keep him for a year, which is almost a miracle, but he eventually went back to the breeder and on to another family that had time for him. I was honestly relieved after that and I felt so bad for getting “along” with having a dog back then. These days I shrug thinking about following Cesar Millan and all the horrible stuff that entailed. You have no idea how much I’ve changed in that area.

With the next idiot (after the divorce) we got Maja and her brother Nisse. The plan was to get two male cats who were siblings, and we’d found a “breeder” from a friend of ours. A week or something before we were supposed to get the cats, we found out that the breeder killed off all the male cats except for Nisse. I was so angry, but we still went on with it. Nisse was the king of cats, and he was lovely. Maja was a frailed little skeleton of skin and bones and afraid of everything. It was hard having cats, and we thought of selling them to somebody else, but we kept them and I’m so glad I did that today. I could not imagine living my life without Maja right now. When I split from this idiot of a boyfriend who destroyed my life in ways some can’t imagine, I took Maja with me and he took Nisse after a while. Nisse did not like that I moved away to another city and he peed and pooped wherever he felt like. Then the third jerk took him (aka the ex) and after that everything was better. For a while. Nisse died at like 3 years of age due to some kidney disease that could have easily been prevented. That made me hate this ex for forever and ever on top of the disaster of a relationship that we had. Maja thrived, however being a lone cat.

Since Maja, I have not gotten any other pets in my life, besides babysitting and having visitors with paws and fur. I’m still desperate of getting a Great Dane, and I will not get any other dog breed before I’ll have my Great Dane. Now, my plan is to wait until I have a steady higher and stable income and a workplace that accepts a Great Dane at the office almost daily. The other days he’s not with me at work, I’ll work from home. I do, however want another cat, either soon ( a kitten) or after Maja, but my current bf does not want any other cats after her. I do understand why, but still. I’d like to have one. If I do, I’d get a cat from a reputable breeder. Why? Because I’d like to have a cat with quality. Preferably a cat who’s not scared of everything and anything, not inbred and I’d like to have the biggest, friendliest cat available. I mean I do like big dogs, so why not a big cat? Like the cat I’m currently babysitting. Don’t get me wrong. If I could go to a shelter in Sweden and find purebred Norwegian forest cats, Maine Coons or Ragdolls, I’d easily get a kitten from them if I was to get another cat. I just don’t see that it’s likely it would happen if I’d get a purebred cat in the future. It is more likely I’d have to go to a breeder. And that’s fine with me! Healthy breeders are worth the promotion in my book.

The big furry guy is Floccon (means snowflake in french), a Norwegian Forest Cat that I’m currently baby sitting. Maja is watching him intensly as he steals his ways into our hearts and home.

I’ve been wanting a Great Dane since 1997. It’s been my whole life goal to get this breed. This longing for this specific breed has kept me alive, kept me going, kept me fighting for a life I’d like to live and I have my reasons for waiting so long to get one. First of all, I’ve never had the money for such an expensive breed. The costs if everything goes perfectly his whole life would amount up to at least $300 per month, and most of my years, I’ve not had that money to spare. Considering the normal expenses for a Great Dane, and the risks or chance of bloat, some expensive surgery or anything else, I’ve never had the money to care for a Great Dane. If I’d actually gotten a Great Dane some 15-20 years ago, it is most likely true that I’d end up giving him back to the breeder due to my bad financial situation I’ve had since I moved away from home. With the experience I now have with too many dogs bought, rescued and handed back to the previous owner – I have sworn to myself and others that I will never, ever get this Great Dane breed until everything, and I do mean everything is in order. That is why I’ve waited for so long and probably will wait for another ten years if things won’t change for the better and I’ll become a programmer for real. School right now is in a very weird place for me, so I have no idea what will happen right now in my future. The risk I’m taking is I’ll be the one who waited her whole life for a Great Dane, and never got that special “him”. I’m fine with that, really, even though I hate the thought of it. The reason is due to why I’m waiting. If it’s never the right time, it’s not the right time.

When I will get my Great Dane, I’ll have a fulltime, wellpaid job, working as a developer somewhere where I can bring my Great Dane to work, no matter what. From puppy times to his last breath. I’ll have enough money to be able to live alone if possible with a mortgage or high rent to pay, and still be able to afford a car and pay for surgeries or other events that may occur for my baby. Not until then will I have my Great Dane. I feel proud of myself for having this plan and for acting this way.

There is also the health aspect. I do not plan to get a Great Dane, that’ll die on me after 5-6 years of cancer or heart disease from a breeder that does not care about the breed’s longevity and future. From what I’ve learned during all these years, I also feel that having a healthy Great Dane is more important than anything else. I plan to keep him healthy as well, with good Biologically Appropriate Raw Foods, long walks, attention, cuddles and everything else he or we might need from each other. He will be my everything when he’s here. That is why I am waiting. If I could get a purebred, healthy Great Dane puppy (because my dream is to bring my first Great Dane up from the beginning) from a shelter or a rescue here in Sweden, I would, but I’ve already found my breeder of choice and they’re one of the absolute best in my opinion regarding breeding Great Danes here in Sweden. Since I’ve been wanting this specific breed for basically all my adult life, I do think it’s important to choose wisely. I do not want to get a dog, just because it’s a dog. I want my Great Dane. My puppy. My future lifelong friend. I want to be there from the moment of conception, when he’s born, when it’s time to come home to me, and if I do everything right, he might be by my side for 13 years or more. There are no specific Great Dane rescues available anyway in Sweden, because we do not have that big of a problem with backyard breedings or unwanted pets, even if they do exist. I’d rather go dogless forever then to just get another dog considering my history of pet ownership. I refuse to deviate from this plan of getting a Great Dane.

The way I see my future of owning Great Danes something like this:

  1. Get my first Great Dane from the breeder I’ve chosen. He lives with me for at least 10 years (the age here is just a reference). Let’s say I’ll get him the same year I turn 40 or 41. I’m currently 37.
  2. The next GD, will come from abroad as a puppy as well, from the U.S or Canada from one of the best breeders in the business, because I’ve always wanted a Great Dane from the U.S. This is due to the American standard of the breed. I prefer that one more to the European one. Let’s say I’m 55 when this happens. If not from the U.S, it will be from the next best breeder available in Sweden or Scandinavia, with perfectly healthy Great Danes that also uses American bloodlines for that special look and temperament.
  3. The third GD will probably be from a shelter or an older dog. I’m probably 65 or 70 then this happens, so it will most likely be better to have an older dog, if I’m healthy enough that is. Or even alive.

The scenarios above are if I’d only have one dog at a time. It could very well be so in the future that I’ll have more than one Great Dane at a time, but only after I’ve gotten my first one and he’s gotten old enough that it’s time for a new puppy in our lives.

I hope you who’ll read this will respect or accept my arguments regarding my waiting of this breed and why I’m not interested of adopting a dog for myself. From what I’ve learned, it’s so important to get the breed that is most suited for you. I am not an active person. I’m a couch potato. I have mobility issues due to my fibromyalgia and I’ve come to learn that no other breed is like the Great Dane. I do find pugs really adorable though, but the same idea is there too, if I’d get a pug. I wouldn’t get it from a shelter, I’d get one from a really good breeder, and I wouldn’t mind if it took years in order to find the perfect breeder. I’d personally be so heartbroken if anything were to happen when I finally got my Great Dane and I had to give him back or sell him to somebody else. I do not want to live through that again. I love dogs and cats, no matter what breed – but the Great Dane is far too special for me to do anything else then what I’ve written in this post. There is simply nothing like a Great Dane…

Oh, and in case you wondered about the American bloodlines and U.S standard of the breed. The breeder I’ve chosen do have use dogs from the U.S, and due to that, they get the most loving and healthy Great Danes available. Their temperament is amazing!

I can’t wait to have a Great Dane like that.

Why I’m not vegan – yet.

Potatoes, broccoli and chickpeas straight from the oven

This is a rant, and also some information to all those angry vegans who do not accept other non-vegans no matter what reasons they might have for not being vegan. Like comparing them to being murderers, rapists or pedophiles. FFS! How do you think you’re helping the vegan movement by those saying those words to people?! I think you’re a jerk😡. In the video below, Brian Turner explains a little bit of how I feel about this as well. It’s worth a watch!

My reasons for not being vegan might seem stupid for many, but I stick by my choice. I’ve been wanting to go vegan since 2012 or so, from the first time I saw Forks over Knives and all those older vegan documentaries. The reason for why I’ve waited for so long is because I waited for my BF to also see the truth and follow along and at least become vegetarian. Anything else about him and his choices/reasons I’m leaving left unsaid due to showing him some respect. This blog is about me, myself and I anyway and what I think about stuff.

When I finally went vegetarian I was so happy. I thought that it would change everything, that I’d finally be healthy, loose all the weight and regain my former self with less brain-fog and less pain in my body. So far nothing has happened. It’s been the opposite. I keep gaining weight and my health is worse. My belly is about 38″ (97 cm)wide, where it really should be around 26″ (67 cm or at least below 70 cm), and I’m gaining inches in places I did not even know I could fit more fat.

Just to be clear. Before I gained all this weight I was an adult and my belly or waist has always been around 65-70 cm, with some minor fluctuations before I got together with my BF. I was of the illusion that I could never get fat, because in my family we basically only gain weight by having kids and I wasn’t having any. Growing up I always ate a healthier diet than most, with lots of vegetables and fruits, and candy, chips and all that other good stuff was only meant to be eaten in a tiny quantity on some days. That means that I’ve been used to eating everything in moderation, but I was planning on having an adult life where I could eat candy etc whenever I wanted to without gaining weight, since that would be impossible. Little did I know back then that eating crap and lots of it makes you fat – even little old me, vegetarian or not so there you go.

I should also mention that even as an adult, before I got together with my BF, I did eat whatever I wanted for many years, but I still kept it in moderation. A bag of candy, or a bag of potato chips could easily last for days before, but now – not so much, unless I eat all of it by myself. Then it could probably last for days, but I’m more interested these days to let go of the processed crap junk-foods and eat more WFPB, as you well now by now.


My weight goal is not to be as skinny as possible, just to be healthy again and feel better than I do right now. Have more energy, find my words easier and have less pain as well, have clothes that fit better, like I did when I was a lot younger. I’m not trying to be anorexic, orthorexic or anything else. Just healthy! Let’s continue with the rant, shall we?

My boobs have gained a cup size (and maybe a half?) since I started to gain more weight about 3 years ago. Yes, before I went vegetarian. It’s been a slippery slope for oh so many years now… Why? Because I’ve become more lazy, more tired etc due to eating a really crappy diet. Yes. You can eat crappy by being vegetarian as well. It’s so darn easy when you eat processed crap and too many cookies. And I hate it! I should be glad if I get 10-15 grams of fiber in me on a daily basis and also if I meet all my nutrient requirements. I probably have not for many years. At least not the fiber part… And my IBS let’s me know it! Not to mention my acid reflux.

In January of this year (2019), I made the decision to advance a whole lot more vegan foods with more fiber and Whole Foods (WF). I have sort of succeeded, but it’s gone slow and instead of losing weight, I’ve actually gained some more, but it’s more like I haven’t tried enough and I’ve still been eating too much processed crap, candy, potato chips and cakes/cookies. As soon as I eat more healthy with more fiber and WF, I notice a difference within a few days. I did however loose a tiny bit of weight in the beginning of the year, but I quickly gained that back when I had a bit of a setback and ate a lot worse again for a few months.

Now it’s summer and I do not have to attend school daily so eating better will be a lot easier. I’ve noticed that those annoying fat deposits I wrote about earlier above have decreased a little from my new eating habits, but it’s going slow as per usual. Hey, better that they slowly disappear and never come back instead of they keep getting bigger and I get more uncomfortable. The first time I tried to eat the way I do now, it was a success, but it did not last. The reason for that was because I mainly just ate the same stuff over and over.

I was fine and am fine in general to eat the same meals often, but the choice of daals (lentil stews) was not a good one. At least the ones I made. They became boring so fast! It was the main reason why I quit, because they only tasted good the first day or so. This time, the plan is to eat more what I feel like and don’t blame myself if I get less fiber for breakfast or lunch one day and a whole lot more some other day. I hope that this summer of a whole lot more of a WFPB vegan diet will help me get my strength and health back so I can continue on this path for school later on when I go back for my 2nd year. That is if I can pass half my math class… 🤬

The plan to become more vegan is to try to eat both my breakfasts and lunches completely vegan and when possible, maximize the fiber and nutrient intake. The best would be if breakfast and lunch together would be around 50-60 grams of fiber. Here’s me hoping for the best! I’ve been checking cronometer a lot these past two weeks since I started eating like this and it’s looking good. The main reason for using cronometer is to check the fiber content and nutrients, so no worries! Many people tend to panic when they hear people using that site, but it’s a really good source to check that you’re getting enough nutrients and fiber in your diet.

It’s a lot easier than I thought to get 50+ grams of fiber a day, and as long as my dinner is not really low grade in nutrients, I basically meet all my requirements and that’s good. The only problem with eating that much fiber is that it takes me like 5-6 hours at least to get hungry again, and that’s a problem right now with the planning of dinners. I’m working on that too, and the best solution is to have a fiber rich smoothie in the morning and try to eat lunch at noon or way before 1 o’ clock.

A fiber rich smoothie, for those of you who wonders means that I use about 30 grams of chia seeds, about 15 grams of flaxseeds and sometimes 10 grams of psyllium husk powder in my smoothies to get all that fiber in. I also try to always have 100 grams of everything else, and always use rasberries or some other really fiber rich berry in the smoothie to get more fiber. Generally, I can get a smoothie that’s nutrient dense and fiber rich with about 35 grams of fiber if I use the basis I mentioned.

This image above show what a typical day of eating breakfast and lunch would contain. The hummus is added for like a possible sauce for dinners and/or dipping veggies in for lunch. The oat milk is added for vitamin D and B12. The brand of psyllium husk seeds does not matter, there is the same amount of fiber in all of them. I get 66 grams of fiber and 91% nutrients targeted from just eating this on a daily basis. I could certainly live like this.

With this base smoothie I get almost 50% of my daily targets. That’s pretty awesome. I drink it slowly, I can get about a liter(32 oz) of smoothie of this. I have to use more water due to the psyllium husk powder. If I did not use that, I’d get a 5 dl (16 oz) smoothie instead, but the fiber is more important to me right now. Below is a list of ingredients I use normally in my smoothies. It’s a good thing to thaw the berries and other frozen stuff first before blending.

  • 100 grams of frozen rasberries
  • 100 grams of frozen strawberries
  • 100 grams of frozen spinage or kale (or other leafy greens), optional but use frozen to get a 100 grams of it easier.
  • 30 grams of chia seeds, crushed or not
  • 15 grams of flax seeds, whole or crushed (In Sweden, only whole are available)
  • 10 grams of psyllium husk powder
  • 1 liter of water (32 oz), or half if psyllium husk powder is not used and berries are thawed beforehand.

I am taking my steps towards being vegan slowly, and I’m doing what I can to change the stuff in my home as well. I now use the humble tooth brush, and whenever I can I use vegan shampoos and conditioners. Sometimes I’m “forced” to use non-vegan stuff, but that’s due to my own mobility issues. For example, I am lousy at using my hands for anything other than typing on a computer, so washing my hair with a shampoo that does not lather that much only makes my scalp itch, so I have to use other products for that. There’s a lot of buildup and residue, and only a well foamed shampoo helps with that.

If I could find a vegan shampoo that lather as much as any non-vegan product, I’d buy it without having to rinse and repeat. I find that process tedious as F. I actually have started to hate washing my hair, because it takes so long. Now I’ve got shorter hair again, but it’s still tedious to wash it and conditioners generally also make my hair greasier a lot sooner, so I really do prefer using only shampoos when possible. I’ve also tried to switch out other house hold products such as dish washing soap and cleaning products to vegan ones.

If I was the only one living in this apartment, everything would be vegan and chemical free, but my lovely does not like the vegan products. He believes they do not make it all clean, but that’s bullshit. I clean our toilets with this soap and it works wonders! I’ve done so for years! The hand wash soap in my current bathroom is almost always a vegan one as well. My current skin products are almost all vegan. I’m not so sure about some of them, but all the lotions are vegan at least! Now I only have to find a toothpaste that’s vegan and lathers a lot. Do you have any ideas on brands to use? Leave a comment and let me know. I now use Aquafresh, which is most likely tested on animals and with the toothpaste itself containing tiny plastic particles that’s hurting the oceans and the fish. I’d really like to not use that (due to the plastics issue), but I have not found an alternative yet. But according to their websites, it’s totally free of animal products, so that’s good! I really like that toothpaste! Knowing that it’s animal free makes me feel better about using it.

To sum it up, I’m doing my very best to be more vegan in my life. My goal is to be vegan someday, but when I’ll get there I have no idea. If I could eat like i plan do to during this summer, that’s more than good enough for me for a foreseeable future. My plan is not to go vegan overnight, go all in and stop being vegan after X weeks, months or years. My plan is to go vegan and stay vegan. Until I die! When that day happens, I’d stopped wanting to eat the processed non-vegan junkfoods, candy and cookies etc or I’ve found really good replacements for all of them. Even if I never get to be a 100% WFPB vegan, that’s fine. I’d like to have cheat days, like I’ve written before, but it would be good for my health, and the planet if my food was like 90% WFPB and 100% vegan. That’s the main goal to be honest. Any step towards that is a great step in my opinion. You have no idea how proud I feel of myself when I have completely vegan days of eating.😍

But right now, I’m glad I’ve started to do something for real again and I’ll do my best to keep on doing it. If this works like I want it too, it could mean that I’m gonna be vegan within 3-5 years or even sooner than that, but if I go back to my bad eating habits again, I’d might as well be dead of cancer and/or heart disease before I’m 45. That’s how bad it probably is or will be if I change nothing. Considering the bad place my health has been for so many years, I have to do my best to be better, eat better, live better. When I go vegan, I’ll be vegan for life.

And this is how I plan on doing it.