And o’boy does it suck! For those of you wondering where I’ve been for the past two months, I can reluctantly say – on the couch, passed out and pissed off struggling to put together the energy that is needed to pass this ridiculous math class I’m currently have to take.
Always thinking about that math…
It sucks balls to have to do this, but not just in the traditional sense. Math is something I’ve loathed my entire life. It’s something I find so boring, non-entertaining and difficult that I never want to think of it ever again if I can avoid it. But right now, I’m in the middle of it, and from the looks of it, I can’t get out of it and/or it will be the “death of me”. Seriously, math makes me wanna jump off a bridge sometimes, but I still have to pass this class in order to continue with this developer program I’ve entered at the University of Kristianstad. Oh, and don’t worry – I won’t kill myself or harm myself. I will only continue. I never give up! This just sucks…
The book we have to use suck balls. It contains about 80-90% of repetitive tasks that are somewhat easy to learn and understand – if you like math that is. Otherwise it’s hell. Which it is for my brain that hates repetition. The teacher is great, very good at teaching, but the exams? That’s on a whole other level to begin with and it pisses me the fuck off when I think about it. Especially after failing two exams in a row, where I thought I’d really was gonna make it the second time. It gutted me. Kicked me in the nuts , if I had any, (un)fortunately I’m female. It has made me feel totally and utterly pointless. I still feel this way, weeks later of this news.
It’s like no matter how hard I try, and n0 matter what I do – it will never be enough for this class. But I never give up. I’m not that kind of person. I continue to fight until I don’t have to fight anymore. That means that I’ve basically been fighting all my life, because as of yet (and 37 years of age now) I don’t have the complete life I’ve been wanting since I first moved away from home. No Great Dane in sight, first of all. No high(er) income that’s reliable and stable. No job(s) to speak of, and about 20 kg over weight. Still, I’ve been pretty happy over the years, but now as I’m getting closer to turning 40, I’ve become sick and tired of so many things and I want that dog, goddammit!
I don’t want to wait any longer. I want my future now. I want my 5-year plan to be something of my history. Instead it’s been a 5 year plan that never happened, or is constantly delayed due to my life not being like it’s supposed to be. I’m so happy that at least I have my boyfriend and that we’ve been together for 10, 5 years as of now and that I’m finally on track to become a developer.
I have not lost all hope yet, though. These past few weeks that have gone by, I’ve started for real to make sure that I will pass this stupid math class and it feels like it’s actually going somewhere. I only need to pass 50% of it, and with that I’m more hopeful I might succeed. Today I also saw that the teacher has added an exam for us to study with, so we’ll know what kind of questions that will come on the test, and it feels like if I just study a little more, I will pass the class so for now it feels a bit better. This always changes, though but for now I feel a bit relaxed. That’s something to be happy about!