I’m gonna spend this summer crying my eyes out…

If you read my Swedish blog, you’ll know what this is about, but for those of you who don’t, I shall explain a little bit what’s going on. It’s about math, and that stupid, annoying math class I’m continuing to fail, over and over again. I’ve failed 4 exams in a row, which are all the exams possible for that class as of now. There are two more in the month of august. I’ve never been able to pass 2 points on the exam out of 18. I got one on the first one, two on the 2nd one, one again on the third and 2 on the 4th exam. With the 3rd and 4th exams I’ve studied as much as I possibly could, but I still went nowhere near a passing grade. The exams are too hard!

After the 4th exam I had a mental breakdown. No matter what I do, it is not enough. No matter what I do, it will never be enough. I feel pointless, useless, stupid and totally broken. Why is that? Because the math exams are so frickin’ hard that if you’re not already a math genius, you won’t pass this class. I have a disability, and I have a document that is supposed to help me pass the classes. The teacher has said no to all of that so I’m completely left to my own devices here, or whatever the expression is. I’ve written a little bit about this before, so re-read that post if you want to know more.

Since this mental breakdown, I have decided for like. the first time in my life that now it’s time to give up. There is no point of going on, since no matter how hard I study, I will never pass this class. The exams are too hard. And for some stupid reason it’s all my fault for not studying enough, for not being able to understand how math works, how to apply an equation to a general life situation. I’ve never had to do that in my life. Math is just stupid math in my book. Even if I know math is behind basically everything in our society, I’ve never thought about it that way. The calculator fixes that for me, or the app I’m using for whatever it is I’m doing, or the computer program. If I wanna drive my car, I press the pedal and steer the wheel. I do not think about math then. I think about driving! etc… If I wanted to know how much a soda costs, I’d ask for the price at the café… not solve an equation! If I’d build a house, I’d hire a building company and pay the bill. My math skills needed for daily tasks I learned before I started high school. Learning and fiddling with programming, I do understand that some more math is needed, but it is not much. And I’ve learned that stuff – from studying, but on an exam I fail to show it because instead of the exam having a normal question that I know, because I’ve practiced how to do it, there’s like a super advanced question, ten times harder to answer, which is impossible to do. Unless you understand math. Which I do not. So I’m screwed. And that’s my fault, and on and on it goes. A catch 22, a slippery slope, a stupid shit garbage situation I cannot get out of. This will be the death of me, surely. It sure feels like it right now. I’m on the verge of crying just thinking about this shit, and still people want me to keep going?! And I will because I feel I must. I do not want more anxiety in my life. Those days must be over! FFS!

I’m not alone in this. Many of my classmates are in this shitty mess. I do have a backup, and that is that I applied to other colleges (2 year, instead of 3) which is called Higher Vocation Education. I’ll become the exact same thing as I would be in this current program, I’ll get internships, and I get to learn and practice programming a whole lot more than in my current college program, plus there is no more math classes, just programming and developing. Just what I want! The only thing I might miss is not having a class in algorithms, but I’d learn absolutely everything I need in order to get a job as a software developer, and that’s what I want. A job, with a salary working with code. Problem solved, duh! Or not.

Higher Vocational Education (Yrkeshögskolan) is a post-secondary form of education that combines theoretical and practical studies in close cooperation with employers and industry. Programmes are offered in specific fields where there is an explicit demand for competence.

Yrkeshögskolan, Sverige

I’ve been accepted to 3 of the other programs, two as a Java software developer and one as a software developer in .NET. I’m going to the .NET one if this math crap never gets resolved. I know Java already, so why not learn a new language and platform? After the breakdown of mine, I’ve lost all sense of purpose regarding basically everything I’m doing. I’m so tired I can’t think, I can’t sleep at night, it takes me forever and I am so confused. I just want to stop. Take a break, take a vacation, do something else. Or just sleep. Still, recent events have pushed me to continue. I do not want to disappoint my darling BF and some friends of ours. They’ve made me to feel I must continue, even if I see no point to do so. I feel forced, at the same time I feel like I cannot disappoint without having anxiety about that too. I still have enough anxiety over this crap as it is. I am not worthy of passing this class. I hate feeling so anxious! I haven’t felt like this for years. It’s like at every corner something is coming to break me down further and there is no way out. The only way out is to proceed, fail, disappoint and never be enough, because I’m so utterly useless. Great feelings to have, right? It’s not fair, not since I’ve done my absolute best and that is not enough. Especially since I’ve not gotten proper help to pass the class and the exams are on a whole other level of accomplishments. The class is so hard, but for no reason. Last year the exams were normal. If I’d take a test from last year, I’ve already passed the class and I would not be in this situation. So I’ve learned my stuff, but it’s impossible to prove due to reasons that are so ridiculous and it just fills me with rage and disgust.

I tried earlier today to study some, but I’m so tired it’s a miracle I know my own name, and that I find my way home if I’d take a walk. I have promised them to do my best, yet again and find the energy to continue, but as long as I’m this tired, it’s a no-go. Blogging and watching tv, blend a smoothie is like all I am able to do. I’ve tried playing around with Java last week, but I’ve forgotten some important stuff so that’s a bit hard as well.

I basically just feel like crying all the time. And I probably will cry anytime and a lot of times until this shit is resolved. Fucking garbage. I hate this crap!

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