What I’d like to do in order to become a better developer

If this is the first time you’ve visited this blog, you might not know that I’m striving towards becoming a programmer of sorts. A web developer, software developer or any other kind of developer that daily sits around and “plays around” with code and gets paid for it. I’ve currently finished (except for math class) the first year of college, but since I won’t be able to pass the math class (because of the reality of my situation), I’m focusing on the other Higher Vocation Education(HVE) program I’ve been accepted to instead.

Aka, I’ve done perhaps 4 hours of math in 6 weeks, instead of 4 hours per day like it was planned, so thanks a bunch for nothing I say to who ever feels they need it. I Personally would’ve been a lot better off if I did not feel this pressure. You will learn why in this post. I’ve been too tired and I actually don’t feel like its useful either, so that’s why I haven’t done it. I’m just not able too, so good luck to me on my future and last 2 exams in this math class I promised to take. I’ll celebrate like crazy if I get more than 2 points on either test. Moving on!

In my current education, I’ve learned Java, with MySQL databases and JavaFX and with the new program I’ll learn .NET. Hopefully the core versions where I can continue using my  products instead of that sluggish Windows OS. Bootcamp, sucks because Windows sucks these days in my world. What a cluttered mess! But I’ll use it if the school will really require it, and I’ll hate it and probably complain about it a whole lot. That’s also the only downside to learning .NET, since it’s so windows focused, but I just want to do programming, so I’ll overcome my issues as long as I can code.

During this summer, since the news of me getting accepted to the .NET HVE program, I’ve started to learn as much as possible about this platform. As a n00b in programming languages and the worst debugger ever, I can say that there are a lot of differences between JavaFX and ASP.NET. The similarities are basically the MVC pattern, but otherwise, everything else is different. At least from what I know and have learned from my first year of college. For a start, I can’t find an easy drag and drop system for desktop applications on MacOS. What I mean by that is that everything in dotnet is made with code like css & html instead of placing buttons, fields and labels manually via drag & drop. With JavaFX there’s Scenebuilder, even though it’s buggy as hell. Also with ASP.NET web applications it’s possible to generate and create databases and tables from code, using SqlServer or Sqlite. From what I’ve learned, this is not possible with Java and MySQL. Aka generate a whole database from your model classes and a DB connection class file (DbContext file in .NET)

Let me know in the comments if this is possible. Also I’d like to know if there is a free software (or very, very cheap, like $5 – $10) online able for download where I can manually create relationships between tables (EER diagrams) like you can do with workbench etc. I need this for either SqlServer or Sqlite databases on a Mac. Preferably without using Visual Studio as well. I prefer Rider from Jetbrains…

I’ve mainly tried making ASP.NET web applications, taking one step forwards and two steps back at every turn, but it has made me see my own personal issues a whole lot more than I ever thought possible. First of all, I have zero patience on a bad day. On a good day – I have more than enough. And I have had a lot of them bad days this summer. You can learn why in my previous post. I practically never debug, and if I do, I need help on how to (and where to ) start. I google a lot, but it takes me sometimes weeks to find the right answer for my specific problem. I do not (generally) read books about programming, or other places on how everything works. What I’ve learned about programming, I’ve learned from testing a crap load of different code snippets until it finally works, without the use of git, or commits, so I have no idea on how many things I’ve tried to make that special problem work. Or why it didn’t work in the first place. I’ve also learned it from remembering lectures, or from working with the principles on school projects or tasks. I’ve also gotten loads of help from my class mates or teachers. For example I know the MVC pattern well, and how inheritance works etc (aka object-oriented programming and basic programming in Java), but remembering smaller things is harder since I do have those memory issues to deal with.

9 times out of 10, the solution to my problem is due to one line of code being wrong somewhere in all the classes or methods. This often causes an exception of sorts. Or I’m missing a semicolon, or something very simple. The other day I wen’t completely nuts trying to figure out why I couldn’t customize the Identity framework in ASP.NET core. I’ve been to do this a 100 times these past weeks or something. The problem was a NullReferenceException where I by mistake put INPUT.whatever in the InputModel on the Index.cshtml.cs file where it should’ve been user.whatever instead. The input.whatever is used for actual inputs, like forms, not when you’re trying to access an object. Then you use the object with instance variables and the like. My terminology sucks, so sorry about that. It said user in the tutorial, but I skipped that since that’s what I do (aka never read texts very thoroughly , even though I looked at that code a million times that day.

It wasn’t until about 10 hours later, that I finally calmed down enough that I figured it all out. I felt so frickin’ stupid afterwards. I really do need to get rid of my bad coding behaviors, because this is just really bad. For my mind, my health, my everything… I can’t be a good programmer with these horrible, horrible tendencies and practices. I have to do something about it, preferably long before I get my first real job in this field, or internship.

Since I tend to remove and re-start my projects when I’ve failed way too much instead of just doing everything in a better way, I get too frustrated that I just want to delete everything. But my mind can’t stop thinking about finding a solution to the problem, so when I re-start the project (often like 5 minutes later) with the previous code deleted and I found the solution to the latest problem, I basically have to start from the beginning with everything about 5 times a week, or perhaps more. I did this too when I learned Java, but not to the same extent, since I had tasks to follow and I actually did save all the code. Now it’s gone, since I did a spring cleanup on my computer to save space, when summer started and school was finished, so that was also a stupid mistake. But I do this with everything, deleting stuff thinking I’ll never need it, and then a few, minutes, weeks, months or years after I discover I really do need it and it’s gone and I can’t get it back. I regret so much… Never delete stuff, but don’t become a hoarder is the lesson to be learned here! Just keep your valuable stuff safe!

The good side with this awful behavior is that I’m learning a ton regarding how to make ASP.NET web applications and I have found that I actually do like it, regardless of the behavior I have when learning and doing this code-related thing. The bad stuff is the obvious stuff. I must get rid of it! It’s that my frustration and zero patience gets the best out of me. I’ve never been able to hide it, deal with it etc. It’s been a lifelong struggle and my (huge) anger management issues prevents me from seeing the solution, often staring me in the face in the code I’ve written. I can however control myself so I am not destroying things that are valuable, or hurting others, so it’s not that bad, but I hate what it’s doing to me. I hate this aspect of my life. I just want to get rid of it! It’s hurting me more than it hurts everybody else and I’m so sick of this. It’s sucking my will to live or something… I’ve had more than enough of this craziness. And I want to do something about it before it’s too late. But I don’t know what or even how.

Like I mentioned, the other day I was basically(but not really), pulling my hair out, scaring the cat and the whole neighborhood with my yelling and swearing out of frustrations, because a simple thing I’ve done too many times this past month or so all of a sudden didn’t work. No matter what I did – I could not make it work. It made me crazy mad. Still, instead of taking a break, doing something else for a few hours, my mind works in such a mysterious ways that I find it impossible to stop problem solving. I just have to solve every problem that occurs, or else I go mad. But I go mad in the process, since I basically never know the solution for my problem. Or it’s a catch 22 situation, damned if you do-damned if you don’t situation that prevents me from doing the right thing. It does not help that many tutorials I find online only takes the steps to make an app half-way, so it does not help with my current problem. Only how to make a project a gazillion times if you know what I mean…

With programming, it’s my horrible way to learn it that stands in the way of me getting better and becoming a great developer. I don’t read the books. I don’t watch that many YouTube videos that explains everything – unless I have to for a school task, I google forever and don’t understand what I’m finding out, I test using code snippets I find on stackoverflow instead of debugging (with breakpoints, have not learned unit testing yet), I rarely commit and basically never use git for my personal projects.

For school it’s a whole other thing… Oh, and also – I misunderstand basically everything, I don’t read it all carefully and I skip basically everything I don’t care about, and just go for a code snippet I think could work. I guess in that way I’m a slacker, but I’ve never in my life had the “push” or motivation I’ve needed in order to actually make something of myself. Until I made the decision that I want to become a developer, about 2.5 years ago (somewhere during the spring of 2017). That’s why it’s taken me way too long to become a developer in the first place. A normal version of me would’ve done this over 10 years ago. Also I find reading being very tedious, and I’ve never liked it. It mostly has to do with me not understanding what I read in most cases, or if its fictional, I have a hard time visioning what the books are explaining. The only time I like reading books is if I’ve seen the movie or tv show before, but I still do prefer the visual version of books anyway.

I’m ambitious, I’m driven, I learn and I love learning it. Remembering it is hard due to the fibromyalgia stuff, but still. I love to learn new stuff! I got an A in the latest class where me and 4 other guys in my class made a JavaFX app and I did that without effort. All of us felt it was way too easy to make, and I still feel that way. I do love a challenge, but it’s hard doing it on my own, in my “preferred” loneliness. Or perhaps forced loneliness. When I’m with class mates or getting help around people in general, it goes a lot better, and I do not get this pissed off or frustrated since help is always there. Regarding programming, nobody in my current class have said I’m not doing enough, they see how driven I am, and my ambitious side. They also understand what prevents me from doing more. Having fibromyalgia and being ~50 lbs overweight is certainly not good for my health.

Also having to commute for like 3 hours per day does not help either with my issues, so that would probably be better for me and my health that I don’t have to commute 125 miles per day by train. I can do it, but it also takes a toll on my health since all that traveling makes me tired. If I will change schools this fall to the HVE program, I’m gonna try and see if I can either walk or ride my bicycle to school instead of taking the bus, just to get the exercise in daily in order to help me lose the weight and regain my health. I might take my car some days as well when the weather is to crappy unless the parking is too expensive. Then I’d take the bus, but I’m not planning on getting a bus pass just yet.

I do blame myself in various ways – to a degree. Especially from what I’ve seen me doing since I started learning this new platform. I thought somehow that I’ve learned to calm myself down, let it go and do better after this last semester finished, but no. It’s probably gotten worse. What I personally blame it on is all this crap with the math class that’s been going on for 8 months or so now. You can read all about it in my Swedish blog, if you understand the language or get the gist of it in my previous post, I’ve linked before. I can feel it in my bones that the frustration I currently have, have nothing to do with the actual programming.

I mean, I know I’m missing something when I get stuck and out of extremely bad habits I start to swear like a pirate that never set foot on land, instead of just remaining calm. The things that have happened to me lately have affected me in the most negative way possible. I feel useless, I fear that I have no future, that I’ll never make something of myself, that I’ll never succeed, never will work in this field, have my future Great Dane, live in a house, lose the weight and never regain my health. Or have enough money in a steady income. All because of this stupid math crap, where I’ve actually for the first time in my life done my absolute best to pass and still failed. At least I feel that way. What others think of my performance has nothing to do with how I’m currently in this nightmare. It has broken me in ways others probably will never understand.

I know that I have to calm down, not get stirred up over the tiniest things, not lose my cool, read up on the issue, debug, ask for help, watch the videos and do whatever else I can to get myself back together or just stop when it’s been going on for too long. However, until everything of this bullshit stupid mess is resolved in a few weeks, I guess my bad days will only continue. And they probably will continue for the rest of my life since it’s been going on forever already.

I almost pray that the new HVE program will help me change my behavior regarding this. That in that program I’ll learn how to cope with my frustrations, how to code for real and not get lost every five minutes etc. I mean, if I can never stop this horrid actions of mine, I’ll never be the person I want to be – for real. I’ve struggled with this my whole life and I’ve never – ever had a chance to learn why this is, and how to do something about it. People say “calm down”. Yeah? How the hell do I do that when I can’t see straight, when my voice is so sore from yelling, and I want to do bad stuff to myself or others from all the frustrations I’m feeling (metaphorically speaking). Like I’ve mentioned before – I’d never do such a horrible thing. How the fudge do I calm down in those situations? I do not know, because I have yet to learn how. And I’m 37 years old.

The only thing I know about my anger issues is that they are a part of my family tree and they get worse due to my plethora of illnesses I have. I’m the only one in my (extended) family that suffers from so many issues. The others are a lot healthier than me and they were not born with fibromyalgia or those other issues I have. Several family members have the same problems with anger, but not as severe as me. The difference is that they know when it is time to let it go and do something else for a while. I do not. I keep going until I’m blue in the face and I huff and puff from the anger I’m feeling. And then I keep going. They also do not get totally pissed off from like the zipper on your jacket not working, or the water being too cold. Or something else that is super tiny that nobody should ever even worry about or think twice about. They get angry when they have to and keep their cool whenever else. I get angry about everything on a bad day and I hate it.

A few years ago, I thought that it had to do with my hormones since I calmed down a lot for a few months when I started taking a shot to prevent me getting my period, but that only lasted for so long, so it has nothing to do with my hormones. At least what I know from experience. From what I’ve learned lately, it has more to do with genetics and that my fibromyalgia and other issues just enhances this. Bad habits and a “slacker” lifestyle has also prevented me from doing something about it, if it’s even possible to handle my temper in any way.

If I could change only one thing about myself it would be to get rid of my anger management issues. If I could do that, I’d be the happiest person alive. And that’s a promise, no matter what happens.

So, what should you do in order to be a good programmer/developer? Well, read the books (and everything in them) that the teacher gives you/class demands/you have in your possession, watch good Youtube channels that explains everything, and follow every useful tutorial you see to a T. Debug with breakpoints, do unit tests, use git and commit as often as possible. Do not be afraid to ask for help. Do not delete your code! Keep it safe for future references. Try exercise, taking a walk or cuddling your pet if you have one, or say hi to your kids if that’s another choice when/if you feel a buildup of anger issues coming up. Etc. Etc…

No matter what you do when you’re developing stuff – just don’t do it like I do it, and you’ll probably become a better programmer either way. Medical problems or not – just do not do it like I do it.

Programming terminology – and why I suck at it…

There are some important words to remember, that I have to learn. That I still haven’t learned, or I keep forgetting them. Damn fibromyalgia!🤬

Words like allocate, processor, expression, value, arguments, constructor, parse and a gazillion others. I’ve studied programming now for over a month, almost two and I’ve learned the “basics” of just programming. I know how to declare variables, arrays and lists. I also (think) I know what they are and how to use them. I don’t really know what they do and what they are for, but I’m gonna learn it eventually. Or I know it, but can’t explain it in words, just in code.

I know what the different loops are and when they are (probably) most useful, but I can’t really explain them. Yeah, same problem even there… If I were to have a discussion with classmates it seems I’m one of the experts, but some days I don’t know a thing or something… The biggest problems I currently have with learning Java and programming in general are the basics underneath the basics and how to remember how you did that thing to get that output. People have also said that you’ll only remember how to program if you keep programming. Practice makes perfect! And that’s true!

For example there is an error I’ve gotten quite often since learning about arrays, and I have no idea why. It’s called StringIndexOutOfBoundsException and I got a tip that if I get an error, I should “read up” until I’ve solved the problem. The problem with my stupid crappy brain is that the documentation to me is often gibberish for my brain so I do not understand the explanation for the problem. As a beginner programming student, that might be fine, but I realized today that I should understand this gibberish and know how to solve it, but I can’t, unless I’ve encountered it too many times and learned how to solve it (or to prevent how to make it happen in the first place) and then I’ve learned it. That doesn’t necessarily mean I know what that error was, but I made sure it didn’t happen again when I’ll run a program.

I’ve noticed that I learn the majority of programming by actually programming and making mistakes, trying to fix them. I do this often the wrong way, by asking others instead of reading the books, googling, visiting stack overflow or reading the documentation. It’s a bad habit I am trying my best to change and I’m slowly improving. Note, that there’s nothing wrong in asking for help, but sometimes I’ve done this first instead of trying to solve something myself or I “cheat” and watch the tutorial video or have a look at the teachers provided source code.

I have to clarify, that often when I peek at the source code, it’s to find ONE way to solve my problem. I often try and try again until I turn blue in the face but the more I try, the more I learn, regarding programming itself, but just not the how and the why or something. My main problem is still to “read up” on stuff and picking up the book is really hard, but I have to try. There is apparently no other way…?

How to remember all of this, all the terminology and such is a huge hassle for me. It’s mainly due to me having fibromyalgia with brain fog as my main enemy besides aching muscles and total body stiffness some days of the week. If it’s not everyday, that is. My muscles basically always ache no matter what. If I’m lucky I can have better days where I remember more and I have the energy to do more as well, but those days are very few if they occur at all. Generally I have maybe two weeks in a year, scattered over the whole year where I feel like I’m on top of the world and can do anything. Most days I’m so tired I don’t know what to do with myself and now as a college student – it fucking sucks to have these disabilities I struggle with!

I understand the basics of programming and I’ve learned a lot I think, but clearly not enough to pass the final exam in a few weeks. If I’m in class and the teacher explains something, I understand what happens, but I do not use the correct terminology for it and I keep forgetting what the words are. I still in the end will learn and understand what I’m supposed to do to solve something, but the solution for it is basically to explain something to me like I’m three years old and in very plain English sometimes. At least on those days where my brain really does not want to work and I can barely find my way home and know my own name…

One example I use is instead of saying something like: “You haven’t allocated enough memory to/for the processor to run the program or installation”, I say “Do you have enough memory?”. See the difference? I know in this situation that you need at least good enough hardware (in this case memory or RAM) in order to do something with a computer, but I can’t find the correct terms to use – so I use whatever words I can find. I still understand (somewhat depending on the fibromyalgia) what’s going on, but how do I prove it using a piece of paper during an examination? That I have no clue on how to fix…

Anyways, that’s what I have to change. I need to speak more using data terms. Otherwise I’ll never learn this properly or get a proper feel for programming, because then I won’t understand it. Not to mention I have to get better at math as well, but yeah – that’s a whole other story to tell…

I also suck at reading. I hate reading, because it’s boring and I seldom learn anything by reading books. I prefer watching stuff, trying it myself, discussing it with others and writing about it. At least when it comes to learning something new, which I basically want to do all the time if I could. I feel that I need a different approach to learning programming, and even if I pass this class, I’m guessing that my knowledge of programming will become enhanced after I’ve done some more creative stuff. I had the idea that I wanted to make a little project of my own, in order to feel creative and “satisfied” wit how I learn everything I’m doing in college right now. The solution would be in my mind to create sort of a super quiz where I use all the knowledge I have regarding programming to ask myself questions about Computer Science as well as programming. I’d make sure to have all the sections in this quiz so I’d learn everything and then I’d answer the questions myself.

This is probably a great idea but there’s a huge problem. I do not have time for it. I barely have time to get to class, “read the books”, and do all the tasks asked of me by the teachers. I spend over 30 hours per week (not included traveling) including valuable time on the weekends to make sure I’ve done all I can for the next lecture or deadline. So far I’ve made it in time, but when that’s done – I’m so pooped the only thing I can do is watch tv, eat something and then go to bed. I haven’t seen a single friend I think since the first week of college, because I don’t have the energy to spend for anything outside of school. I fucking hate it!

I love school, it feels so right but sometimes I wonder if I’ve waited too many years to do this. I did not feel this bad 10 or so years ago when I started college the first time in 2009. My health, even if it was not good, it was not as bad as it is these days. Weight gain and a lot less exercise and interesting hobbies are the result of that, and especially a very poor diet!

Anyway, even if that program was a full-time thing, I did not spend 40 hours a week studying. About 5 – 10 was enough for me in general including lectures and seminars. And it’s been like that no matter what I’ve done in a full-time program at school or work, except obligatory hours I had to spend in middle school and high school. This is the first time in my life where I’m really active, using my brain and most of all – where I actually want to learn something and become something special or “something more”. And if I can – I will do this for about three more years and then hopefully full-time at my future employer.

I felt like crying yesterday, because I thought that if I can’t do this – my only choice is to be poor, probably never able to afford a Great Dane and have lousy, non passionate jobs that a robot can do instead. Also it will mean that I’ll never be able to work more than 20 hours a week… Not that I desperately want or need to work 40 hours a week, but the pay is pretty low when you can only work part-time and only simple desk jobs that are very non-creative. If I could work 20 hours a week and earn like $3000 a month (at least before Swedish taxes), which gives me about $2300 net income, I do not need to work full-time but I doubt I’ll earn that much with so few hours. Just to clarify – that income might seem low to you, but for me it’s like three times as much as I’ve ever made, being unemployed or with a disability pension. I felt like a rich king with my first job, but I did not earn that much in total, but I do not spend money, really. I like saving up, but I’d love to earn a lot more money in the future so I can save a lot more.

Anyway, going back to what happened yesterday, about what I realized. That made me so sad and angry. Not to mention frustrated. I have like 2 weeks or so to study like crazy for the exams. I feel pretty sure at the CS class, but I have to study a whole lot more for the programming class, but as long as I at least can learn the terminology I’m probably gonna pass the class. Since I am a student with a disability I can get help from the college, but I haven’t contacted anybody yet, because I’d like to try first myself. I feel like if I could do some extra credit stuff, I’d could probably earn myself a passing grade, but we’ll see if that’s even gonna be necessary.

I love what I’m doing. I couldn’t want anything else, but knowledge really and some better routines for learning. But it’s fun, challenging and if I make it – the possibilities are endless!

MeWe, Google+ and chatty creeps…

To many of you within technology as well as various social media platforms, you might have heard the news that Google+ is gonna shut down in august 2019. For me it’s been something I’ve waited for a long time because for me, the platform has turned into a “boring” and pointless platform for me to be on. It was a lot of fun, with tons of interactions and new online friendships and that lasted from 2011 until like 2014 or so. After Vic Gundotra decided to leave Google, something happened and people on G+ noticed the change immediately. It was no fun anymore for many of us. Some still has fun and are so sad to see it go, but for me it will probably be a relief.

For the past years I’ve basically used Google+ as a link forum or something. I only use it to send my blog posts. A good thing, right? Well – it would be if I could get any decent numbers of readers and interactions from my posts over there, but no. About 0.1% maybe of my posts gets comments and/or gets read, but I’m not gonna complain about that. I am not perfect. I’ve basically stopped interacting myself, but that’s mainly because I feel I do not get the return I deserve.

There’s basicaly a hidden rule on any social media platform, and that’s you have to make some noice and be active with comments, likes etc to get some attention yourself. It’s a give and take game. Of course, this might not be true for everybody, but it’s a common theme. In the beginning this was true for G+, but not any longer, but I’v also stopped keeping tabs on who’s who so I couldn’t really say. All I know is that comments are super rare, even plusses and I should be the happiest person alive if I can get 1 person to read a blog post of mine from that platform. Most of my readers come from Facebook or Twitter. I’ve mentioned before that this blog is especially dead whenever I do not post here. It’s so weird! I don’t get it?! What have I done wrong? My Swedish blog is found on Google daily with many searching for stuff I’ve written about, but this one – nobody sees it unless they follow me on Twitter, Facebook or withing WordPress.com itself. I have gained almost 20 followers here, which is awesome, but many of you do not read my posts either, but I don’t care. I have to write. If you read it, that’s great. If you learned something, that’s even better and if you comment – you’ve probably made my day.

Anywhoo… I did not plan for this post to be a lengthy boring one about interactions and comments, but I wanted to tell you like it is. As of now, since I’m a college student I’m considering myself lucky to have the time at all to write a blog post, so this is great either way. This post is gonna be a lot more, hopefully about a new social media platform that I’ve fled to recently. It’s called MeWe, and so far it’s been pretty great, even though it’s not perfect yet.

I’ve been on MeWe for like a week now. I went to Diaspora first, but since they lack a mobile app for iOS, it’s nothing I’ve used frequently since the news about G+ came out. It’s not like I need a new platform to be on, but after I found MeWe, I was pretty sold on their concept and it reminds me a lot of Google+ in the earlier days.

However, MeWe does have a giant drawback that I almost noticed way too late. Not to be rude, but I’m a bit disappointed if you read this and you’ve chatted with me on MeWe, but I gotta write about this.

I thought, since I’d be “switching” to MeWe instead of G+ that I’d continue with the principle I had from the start over there. That was a principle that I’d add everybody who wanted to add me and that way I got to know more people. On G+, there was Hangouts, group video calls that were a great opportunity to get to know people from all over the world. MeWe does have that too, but things have changed since those early days on G+. Now I’m not interested in video chatting or having calls with total strangers. The funny thing is that since I joined MeWe, about 7 people or so added me there that I’ve chatted with. Three of them were men, in perhaps their 60’s, working in the U.S military and wanted to find Swedish “girls” to chat with and somehow they found me. The first guy I talked to was nice and that went pretty great. Then, like a day after another person, stationed in the same country as him started chatting with me. He wanted to be “best friends” or something after fifteen minutes of chat. I said “Sure”, but I changed my mind pretty fast afterwards. That was due to all the other people I accepted as contacts that started chats with me. If they kept writing to me, it was all the same questions. Something like this:

Hi, my name is bla bla, I am single, US military in my 60’s looking for Swedish people. Who are you? Where are you from? How old are you? Can I be your best friend? Can I add you on “insert-other-chat-message-service-here”?Can I get your email? Can I get to know you better? Etc…

Ok, not all of them were older men, but the questions were basically the same. One of the guys actually called me up after I specifically told them NO to all kinds of other interactions besides just chatting (in writing, that is) on MeWe. That pissed me off, and I made the decision to stop this thing and then I wrote a post on my timeline at MeWe. I asked people to comment if they have chatted with me, telling me why they wanted to do so. NOBODY ANSWERED! So I deleted them as contacts and I deleted the chats as well.

It was pretty obvious that they did not really care about me, and probably only wanted and hoped I’d be single and become their next girlfriend or hump-toy or something. Nobody read my profile, where basically all they asked was printed already, nobody liked a post, read my blog etc. I have no need whatsoever to keep in touch with people like that. I prefer focusing on my own life, as a college student and everything else that’s important to me. Total strangers on MeWe who wants somebody as lonely as them to talk to better find somebody else than me for that. I don’t have time for that! Not now, and not ever!

Now I shall continue with my studies. I’m programming all day long and now we’re learning about Arrays. That’s a lot of fun!

I’ve been a Computer Science student for over a month now…

…and I love it. The classmates are wonderful, the classes are fun and inspiring and the teachers are engaged and awesome. Or something…

I am not gonna say that it’s been easy. It’s a real roller coaster. One lecture could be really great and I understand basically everything. Then another one could be so hard that my brain stops working and I sit there wondering wtf just happened. Luckily, both the teachers and classmates are there to help and that’s great. I’m basically friends with all of them, and that’s totally awesome!

The first weeks were pretty easy with basically no homework or very little to do. Even though it’s was a bit of a slow start I was so tired that I didn’t what to do with myself. Also I have no idea on how I’m supposed to study. I still really don’t know this. I know the basics of course. Go to all the possible classes, do all the homework and/or assignments, read the books and pass the tests. However the only thing that I’m unsure of is how to read the books. Also after going to a bunch of classes it seems a bit redundant to read the books, because the teacher explains everything in detail anyway. And I rarely learn anything from reading books…

I’m so not into reading books. Not even factual based books. When I studied last time at college, I read maybe 5-10% of the books but I made it anyway. That’s because we did not have a classic examination. All we did was write essays and reports. I would not have made it otherwise…

So far, we’ve been learning about algorithms, pseudo code, flow charts and basic programming. In the programming course, we’ve gone through, variables, classes, methods, parameters, arguments, loops, bot while and for loops and many other things I forgot to mention. We’re focusing on Java, if I didn’t mention it before and we’re using IntelliJ for development. Learning programming for real has been a lot of fun, but frustrating and I’ve come to the conclusion that the easiest solution is most often the right and best one. Personally, with my mental blockages constantly being in the way and my aching body hating to commute, it feels like this whole thing is gonna figure itself out by itself. Once I start to remember what everything is and how it’s and should be used, it is gonna become a lot easier. I learn a lot from my classmates, by going to class and I think I’ve learned the most from making mistakes.

The funny thing is that this is probably the first time in my adult life that I realize how different I truly am in regards to other people. I’m different in both good and bad ways. The bad way is kinda obvious. It’s the fibromyalgia that is making everything tougher then it is for most people. Personality wise I’m thrilled that I’m myself and that it’s ok to be who I am, a nerdy “girl” who likes to be around boys or something. Not to be around boys in the traditional sense, more like being around the guys in a friendly way. Who cares? I love the fact that I’m not surrounded by annoying women talking crap about men. The other three ladies in class seems to be as interested in programming as I am, and that’s also great! One of them seems to be a mastermind in math as well. I’d probably talk to her a lot when I have problems with that.

My fibromyalgia is making school hard in the ways that my body is aching constantly. My back and shoulders are more tense than ever. My neck hurts from watching the teacher, no matter where I sit in the classroom. In this school it seems that we’re not using classic college classrooms, like old movie theaters or something, but regular classrooms like in high schools. That hurts my neck a lot. I’m tired all day, especially before and after class on the train ride to or from school, and I’ve been like a zombie at home, trying to do my best to study anyways. During the weekends I’ve actually done a lot, but it seems like all the notes and reading I’ve done won’t help me until I can discuss all of it with classmates and the teachers. I’ve actually done most of my studying during the weekends, because I got nothing better to with my time.

One huge aspect of fibromyalgia is so called “Brain fog”. I haven’t really experienced that for a very long time now before college started. It been months, but now when I’m learning a lot of new stuff, it’s so hard trying to find the words that I feel like an idiot most of the time during class. I bet my classmates notice it too, but I’m honest and say that it’s brain fog, or due to my stupid illnesses that make my life hell 99% of the time. I do sense that it has been easier since I started school, but even then it’s a rollercoaster. I just hope that I can get through this and pass the tests. I’m really nervous about the tests 😬

Just so you know, I’m so sorry that I haven’t blogged until now. I actually started this post just a few days after college started, but it wasn’t until now that I actually had time to post it. I have so much more to tell you, but as long as I am this tired, everything besides eating, studying and sleeping is considered a huge bonus of mine, and blogging right now has to be at the lower end of my list of things to do. I hope you’ve missed me, and that you keep continue to visit this blog even when I’m not blogging. The blog is otherwise completely dead with basically no visitors and nobody seems to use Google either to search for the stuff I’ve written about and that’s been going on for like a year. I find that so weird, but I don’t have time to figure out why that is.

Either way, I’m happy as a college student and I’m looking forward to getting a degree in Computer Science!

A new masterpiece is in the works…

But why do I feel like a total idiot when I’m almost finished with it? For those who have no idea on what I’m talking about, I’m referring to the YouTube video I’ve worked on for like a month, perhaps more. It’s probably two months when you think of the first draft of it. Then after I made that one, Jon Prosser of Front Page Tech and Creative Mindset Podcast made me change my mind and do something better. Now I believe I have, and yesterday evening I let my boyfriend watch it. I wanted him to see it in case he was not satisfied with some details, but he had nothing to add. I had almost counted on him hating the video, since it’s about me being a borderline (or maybe totally obsessed) Apple Sheep. And we all know how much he really dislikes Apple as a company and some of their products, even though he uses some of them himself for work.

I was surprised that he had nothing to say about it. Just because I felt guilty or something and was more prepared to change the whole video, we still had a tiny discussion afterwards, because I probably needed it. The thing is – and probably always has been with me and Apple products the past year, is that it was at the beginning an escape route for my mind in despite of everything. When I got my iPhone as a gift for passing math, I finally felt that I could accept my little obsession and move on, but I only sunk in deeper into the Apple World… We have been able to freely discuss and talk about Apple since then (or since I started using the Mac mini as my desktop) and it has been nice. When the Apple obsession took another step, it was with the MacBook Pro that I got as a gift for getting into college and I was so surprised and happy I did not know what to do with myself. I love this computer. Touch ID is great! And the typing etc… Love it!

The problem is that, even though I have felt on and off that the Apple obsession is starting to decline, it has yet again kicked into gear. The main reason for that is still because of my stupid, silly brain and me being bored of my mind since school hasn’t started yet. It’s less then a week to go now and I can’t wait! I feel that I have a confession to make, but no – it’s more like a declaration or a disclaimer. At least for myself. The video I’ve been working on has been a tiny way for me to focus on something else, but time shall tell if my efforts were good enough for some success at least… Some success means like over 100 true views and a comment or two, I guess but I am not counting on anything! The video is not the confession, though. Read on…

My boyfriend told me yesterday that somehow I have to stop with the Apple products, and I am well aware of that. I will not buy any other Apple products if I know I don’t need them. To be clear, I’ve gotten every Apple product I use either as a gift from him or as a “borrowed” item since we already had some of them in our household. Even still, I can’t stop my silly mind of stalking the Apple Store app and check the prices and specs of iPads, AirPods, the Apple Watch etc… But still, I won’t buy any until I know I will need them. I haven’t so far and I will not do it, no matter how much my brain wants to grab the first opportunity to expand the Apple library. It’s more important to save my money and I know that. Having money is more important than having more Apple products!

Apple products, Tailosive Tech and all other YouTube channels talking about Apple are and will probably continue to be an escape route for my brain whenever I’m to tired or bored to do anything else. Still, I am hoping that college will be the event that changes everything.

This is my confession; I really want and will do my absolute best to study until I can’t stand it anymore. I want and need the computer science bachelor degree I’ll be getting to become my new escape route. To become my new obsession. It has to be that way. Why? Because I have been so bored out of my mind for so long now that I am starting to hate, dislike and get disgusted by my current lifestyle.

My current way of life is basically never leaving the apartment, spending 10+ hours a day watching pointless YouTube videos or movies I’ve seen a thousand times already or “bad” tv-shows. Also it involves eating crappy breakfasts and bad lunches and more crap for dinner, so the weight is not going anywhere. Not to mention that my IBS is not getting better either…

I am alone all day, with my cat as a companion and my BF is at work basically all day. I’m not complaining about that, really. I have no problem being alone, really. I just dislike that I have nothing important to do these days. Even the last year of work was not enough and I had to cut down my hours at the beginning of 2018 due to them not having enough stuff for me to do. That sucked, but I did feel that it was soon time for me to leave that place anyway. Since I lost my job, finished math I have been so bored that I hate myself a little bit. To be honest. Yes. I sort of hate myself and my current way of life. Me. The person who loves doing nothing special and sit and watch TV all day. I guess after 35+ years I’ve finally had enough of that…

I must do more with my life. Earn more money (or at least have a reliable higher income forever) so I can at least have a Great Dane to keep me company. I’d be devastated if I would fail college now, if it turns out to be to complicated for me etc. I need to fill that hole in my head! For those who do not know, I have all my life also felt that I have a hole, a physical hole in my brain that is just empty. Why is it empty? Because it is not filled with knowledge. It is like an area that is just lost, or totally unknown. Also my earlier bachelor’s degree I got in pedagogy just seemed like paying $30 000 in student loans to get stuff I already know on paper. I learned most of my “skills” from that by getting to know classmates and having the current BF by my side, teaching me new perspectives on life.

I think that feeling is why I have led such a simple life, because I don’t know what else I’m supposed to do. I’m so happy with so little. All I need is a TV and a computer with good internet access and I’m good, or something… Every time I wanted to fill that hole, some other crap comes in my way.

If it isn’t peer pressure (for not fitting in and being like every other girl out there) it’s stupid math (that I finally passed after the third attempt after like 10+ years of on and off studies) or some other garbage like my fibromyalgia. Or just life in general. Or as usual – my stupid silly brain that thinks everything but Apple or watching tv is too boring so I am unable to focus on anything useful. Like read a book and preferring that. It sounds like it’s all about excuses, but no. It has always been like that and I guess I’ve always in that sense been to “weak” or something to finally do something. To be clear, I’ve loved living my life like this, doing nothing and not having enough money and just sitting there, dreaming my life away instead of just getting up and do something. And books are boring!

It’s not until now that I have actually started to do something about this, because I have had enough of this crap! I don’t think I was born just to sit and watch TV all day and obsess about domains, Apple products or views/readers/subscribers? Do you? What a waste if that truly is my destiny…

This also reminds me… Not to sound evil, just a fact. The BF told me years ago and he has told me several times that I don’t have a true passion for something. I don’t have a passion for making it on YouTube, as a blogger or anything else. Not even learning code or trying to at least. I just prefer doing something else and I expect imminent success by doing barely enough. Or maybe nothing. I just sit there and dream, instead of making it myself from scratch.

When he told me that all those years ago, I was a bit butt hurt, but now? Now I get it. And it’s true. I did not have a true passion for anything. I believed that doing just “enough” will be enough. Then when I’m done, I’ll go watch TV. I’m like an obnoxious child in that sense. I have always been like that. I’m always bored with anything that’s not watching TV or doing as little as possible. The exception might be when I’m around people I like, but otherwise I’m like “are we there yet?!” and I can’t wait until I can watch TV, play on my phone or sit by the computer and obsess about my useless shit.

It’s hilarious when I think about it now. Who could have known that I’d get to this point? And why the fudge did it take so long? If I played my cards right, I could have gone to a different high school program, passed all the classes needed and have a bachelor’s degree in computer science 10 years ago or perhaps even 15 years ago. My life could have been so different, but due to my life being a really weird and lazy one to live, this is what I have to make due with. I’m kicking myself so hard these days for my stupid mistakes I’ve made in the past…

If I don’t know how to solve a certain thing, and I don’t even know what Google is telling me, how am I supposed to go on? I haven’t, but those days are hopefully over – forever. Now it is time for everything, and I do mean everything to change. I’m done copying and pasting…

It’s time for me to stop obsessing about pointless crap and start to focus on stuff that’s useful – in every aspect of my life. It is time to lose the weight and have a more colourful life. Or something like that. It’s finally time to shine. Become somebody better. A person who knows what to do and does not get frustrated or angry at nothing. I guess my frustration and so many other things in my life is due to that “empty hole in head” feeling. And now I’m gonna fill it. With programming. With Java. With new experiences. Shop Talk or whatever. Learn something useful and actually using that to my advantage because then I know what the fudge I’m doing. Everything now, at least technical stuff has been a guessing game, a copy-paste game or just not useful enough that I can do more.

It seems I’m complaining about nothing, but if you knew what it felt to be me, things would be different. The thing is that I probably also haven’t realised that time actually has gone by. It’s not like I feel any older since I left home in 2001. I just have a lot of crappy memories and lots of time being spent doing nothing. Still, I can’t lie and say that it has been crap. The things that have been truly shitty for me has mostly to do with not having enough money or having really shitty boyfriends (stealing all my money), but life with the current BF of 10 years soon has been lovely. Even though I haven’t really had money, not a Great Dane, moved a lot and only had one single real job in my life, these past 10 years have been the best ones yet. Even though they have meant becoming a little bit fat.

It’s like:

Saying to people that I feel and/or is fat is unthinkable apparently so I can’t use those words without stepping on some toes. The word “fat” can only be used by doctors or obese people. Not by people that really have to lose like 40 lbs (or lose like 12″ around the waist) in order to not get diabetes or a heart attack before they turn 40. People like me. Yeah, that would be rude! But all that crap is news for another day.

I have been happy and in many ways I still am, regardless of weight or anything else. I’m just sick and tired of some things that I want to change.

I really hope that it’s time for that change now. I really, fricking do!