I’m gonna spend this summer crying my eyes out…

If you read my Swedish blog, you’ll know what this is about, but for those of you who don’t, I shall explain a little bit what’s going on. It’s about math, and that stupid, annoying math class I’m continuing to fail, over and over again. I’ve failed 4 exams in a row, which are all the exams possible for that class as of now. There are two more in the month of august. I’ve never been able to pass 2 points on the exam out of 18. I got one on the first one, two on the 2nd one, one again on the third and 2 on the 4th exam. With the 3rd and 4th exams I’ve studied as much as I possibly could, but I still went nowhere near a passing grade. The exams are too hard!

After the 4th exam I had a mental breakdown. No matter what I do, it is not enough. No matter what I do, it will never be enough. I feel pointless, useless, stupid and totally broken. Why is that? Because the math exams are so frickin’ hard that if you’re not already a math genius, you won’t pass this class. I have a disability, and I have a document that is supposed to help me pass the classes. The teacher has said no to all of that so I’m completely left to my own devices here, or whatever the expression is. I’ve written a little bit about this before, so re-read that post if you want to know more.

Since this mental breakdown, I have decided for like. the first time in my life that now it’s time to give up. There is no point of going on, since no matter how hard I study, I will never pass this class. The exams are too hard. And for some stupid reason it’s all my fault for not studying enough, for not being able to understand how math works, how to apply an equation to a general life situation. I’ve never had to do that in my life. Math is just stupid math in my book. Even if I know math is behind basically everything in our society, I’ve never thought about it that way. The calculator fixes that for me, or the app I’m using for whatever it is I’m doing, or the computer program. If I wanna drive my car, I press the pedal and steer the wheel. I do not think about math then. I think about driving! etc… If I wanted to know how much a soda costs, I’d ask for the price at the café… not solve an equation! If I’d build a house, I’d hire a building company and pay the bill. My math skills needed for daily tasks I learned before I started high school. Learning and fiddling with programming, I do understand that some more math is needed, but it is not much. And I’ve learned that stuff – from studying, but on an exam I fail to show it because instead of the exam having a normal question that I know, because I’ve practiced how to do it, there’s like a super advanced question, ten times harder to answer, which is impossible to do. Unless you understand math. Which I do not. So I’m screwed. And that’s my fault, and on and on it goes. A catch 22, a slippery slope, a stupid shit garbage situation I cannot get out of. This will be the death of me, surely. It sure feels like it right now. I’m on the verge of crying just thinking about this shit, and still people want me to keep going?! And I will because I feel I must. I do not want more anxiety in my life. Those days must be over! FFS!

I’m not alone in this. Many of my classmates are in this shitty mess. I do have a backup, and that is that I applied to other colleges (2 year, instead of 3) which is called Higher Vocation Education. I’ll become the exact same thing as I would be in this current program, I’ll get internships, and I get to learn and practice programming a whole lot more than in my current college program, plus there is no more math classes, just programming and developing. Just what I want! The only thing I might miss is not having a class in algorithms, but I’d learn absolutely everything I need in order to get a job as a software developer, and that’s what I want. A job, with a salary working with code. Problem solved, duh! Or not.

Higher Vocational Education (Yrkeshögskolan) is a post-secondary form of education that combines theoretical and practical studies in close cooperation with employers and industry. Programmes are offered in specific fields where there is an explicit demand for competence.

Yrkeshögskolan, Sverige

I’ve been accepted to 3 of the other programs, two as a Java software developer and one as a software developer in .NET. I’m going to the .NET one if this math crap never gets resolved. I know Java already, so why not learn a new language and platform? After the breakdown of mine, I’ve lost all sense of purpose regarding basically everything I’m doing. I’m so tired I can’t think, I can’t sleep at night, it takes me forever and I am so confused. I just want to stop. Take a break, take a vacation, do something else. Or just sleep. Still, recent events have pushed me to continue. I do not want to disappoint my darling BF and some friends of ours. They’ve made me to feel I must continue, even if I see no point to do so. I feel forced, at the same time I feel like I cannot disappoint without having anxiety about that too. I still have enough anxiety over this crap as it is. I am not worthy of passing this class. I hate feeling so anxious! I haven’t felt like this for years. It’s like at every corner something is coming to break me down further and there is no way out. The only way out is to proceed, fail, disappoint and never be enough, because I’m so utterly useless. Great feelings to have, right? It’s not fair, not since I’ve done my absolute best and that is not enough. Especially since I’ve not gotten proper help to pass the class and the exams are on a whole other level of accomplishments. The class is so hard, but for no reason. Last year the exams were normal. If I’d take a test from last year, I’ve already passed the class and I would not be in this situation. So I’ve learned my stuff, but it’s impossible to prove due to reasons that are so ridiculous and it just fills me with rage and disgust.

I tried earlier today to study some, but I’m so tired it’s a miracle I know my own name, and that I find my way home if I’d take a walk. I have promised them to do my best, yet again and find the energy to continue, but as long as I’m this tired, it’s a no-go. Blogging and watching tv, blend a smoothie is like all I am able to do. I’ve tried playing around with Java last week, but I’ve forgotten some important stuff so that’s a bit hard as well.

I basically just feel like crying all the time. And I probably will cry anytime and a lot of times until this shit is resolved. Fucking garbage. I hate this crap!

Advertisements

Why I want a Great Dane, and why he will come from a breeder.

This post is somewhat of a follow up to all those vegans post I’ve written on this blog, and also especially those I’ve written recently. This post is basically about the whole #AdoptDontShop thing that’s so popular with vegans on social media and in the U.S.

I’m from Sweden. Born and raised and I still live here. I’ll probably live here all my life too. Sweden is a very special country to live in. Our laws and security system makes it one of the best countries a person like me can feel safe and secure in. Of course, it’s not a perfect country, but it’s a nice place to live in according to myself. The weather sucks, of course… Regarding veganism, we “pride” ourselves on our extreme and awesome animal rights laws, but in real life – it’s as bad as any other country. We just don’t use that much antibiotics. We still torture and enslave pigs, cows and chickens for their flesh and secretions as much as any other country.

America, aka the U.S have a huge problem with backyard breeders, homeless dogs and cats, shelters filled with unwanted pets, and horrible animal rights laws. That’s no lie. This is true in a lot of countries world wide, not just the U.S. Due to this issue, mainly all the vegans I’ve seen on social media urges people that wants to get cats or dogs as pets(more likely family members) to adopt them instead and don’t buy a dog or cat from a breeder – no matter what. In their situation, I definitely agree. However, what I feel regarding myself and getting new fur babies into my home, I feel a bit different about the whole thing.

I have, to be honest an awful history of having pets. Trust me, I do regret so much which is why I act differently these days regarding getting a new fur baby into my life. I’ve had dogs, I have a cat, but I used to have two. My current cat is called Maja and she’s as of now 12 years old. I hope she’ll live until she’s a hundred or something. Or at least 20. She’s not adopted, rescued or not even bought. I don’t remember if I paid anything to get Maja and her brother all those years ago, but I’ve had her since she was a baby. She’s probably inbred, but she’s really frickin’ healthy and I love her. So much! I wanted to get a cat due to having a dog was too much trouble and my history with having dogs have been nothing but regrets.

When I was younger, I was pretty easy to convince, and because of that, I’ve made so many mistakes in my past. My first dog was a Welsh Corgi Cardigan named Rasmus. I’d just gotten my first real apartment, and I had all the time (and money) in the world for a smaller dog. Even though I was desperate to get a Great Dane, I decided that my first dog would be of another breed and I ended up with Rasmus. I only had him for about 5 months. Why, you may ask? Did he die? Was he sick? No, he was almost perfect. No, I had an idiot boyfriend back then (the first of a few really bad jerks) who hated the fact that I got a dog. He forced me to get rid of him. Aka, to make the breeder take him back. If I didn’t, he’d leave me. So after days of arguing about it, I went along with it. It took a while until the breeder could take him, and during that time, my idiot bf fell in love with Rasmus, and when it was time to say goodbye, my jerk of a boyfriend changed his mind and wanted me to keep him. Then it was too late. What happened? He blamed me for everything! A month later after the breeder took him back, the jerk left me. There I was, no dog and no boyfriend. I hate his guts for doing this to me still to this day, about 16 years later now…

The next idiot of a boyfriend (who later turned into my husband, silly, desperate me) wanted to give me the whole world. If I wanted a dog, I should have one. If I wanted stuff, I should have it. No matter what I wanted, I should get it. That resulted in various dogs coming into our household, some rescued, some mixed breeds and another Welsh Corgi Cardigan named Hampus. All during these years, I was still so desperate of getting a Great Dane, and I did my best to save up money to buy my first one, but I was never able to save anything. No, since he wanted to give me everything and more, we always spent that money doing something else (or getting some pet) instead of just being better with money and let me save to get my most wanted, longed for Great Dane of Awesomeness. Even though I liked (or loved) Rasmus and the WCW breed, I felt that he nor the other dogs were not a Great Dane.

It was worse with all those other dogs as well, those mixed breeds and rescues we took care of or bought and handed back after a few weeks or months. After like the second or third dog, I felt like I’ve had enough. No more pets! Not until I’ll be getting my Great Dane! Well, what happened? My boyfriend, then turned husband went and bought Hampus. At the worst time of my life. I was not ready, nor did I want a dog. Hampus was also the worst, but I was probably even worse. Back then I followed Cesar Millan’s advice and I probably made a monster out of Hampus due to that. I had no energy those days and I just was a bad dog owner. It was before I knew I had fibromyalgia as well, so my lethargic behaviour had no explanation. I was also unemployed with little or basically no money. We managed to keep him for a year, which is almost a miracle, but he eventually went back to the breeder and on to another family that had time for him. I was honestly relieved after that and I felt so bad for getting “along” with having a dog back then. These days I shrug thinking about following Cesar Millan and all the horrible stuff that entailed. You have no idea how much I’ve changed in that area.

With the next idiot (after the divorce) we got Maja and her brother Nisse. The plan was to get two male cats who were siblings, and we’d found a “breeder” from a friend of ours. A week or something before we were supposed to get the cats, we found out that the breeder killed off all the male cats except for Nisse. I was so angry, but we still went on with it. Nisse was the king of cats, and he was lovely. Maja was a frailed little skeleton of skin and bones and afraid of everything. It was hard having cats, and we thought of selling them to somebody else, but we kept them and I’m so glad I did that today. I could not imagine living my life without Maja right now. When I split from this idiot of a boyfriend who destroyed my life in ways some can’t imagine, I took Maja with me and he took Nisse after a while. Nisse did not like that I moved away to another city and he peed and pooped wherever he felt like. Then the third jerk took him (aka the ex) and after that everything was better. For a while. Nisse died at like 3 years of age due to some kidney disease that could have easily been prevented. That made me hate this ex for forever and ever on top of the disaster of a relationship that we had. Maja thrived, however being a lone cat.

Since Maja, I have not gotten any other pets in my life, besides babysitting and having visitors with paws and fur. I’m still desperate of getting a Great Dane, and I will not get any other dog breed before I’ll have my Great Dane. Now, my plan is to wait until I have a steady higher and stable income and a workplace that accepts a Great Dane at the office almost daily. The other days he’s not with me at work, I’ll work from home. I do, however want another cat, either soon ( a kitten) or after Maja, but my current bf does not want any other cats after her. I do understand why, but still. I’d like to have one. If I do, I’d get a cat from a reputable breeder. Why? Because I’d like to have a cat with quality. Preferably a cat who’s not scared of everything and anything, not inbred and I’d like to have the biggest, friendliest cat available. I mean I do like big dogs, so why not a big cat? Like the cat I’m currently babysitting. Don’t get me wrong. If I could go to a shelter in Sweden and find purebred Norwegian forest cats, Maine Coons or Ragdolls, I’d easily get a kitten from them if I was to get another cat. I just don’t see that it’s likely it would happen if I’d get a purebred cat in the future. It is more likely I’d have to go to a breeder. And that’s fine with me! Healthy breeders are worth the promotion in my book.

The big furry guy is Floccon (means snowflake in french), a Norwegian Forest Cat that I’m currently baby sitting. Maja is watching him intensly as he steals his ways into our hearts and home.

I’ve been wanting a Great Dane since 1997. It’s been my whole life goal to get this breed. This longing for this specific breed has kept me alive, kept me going, kept me fighting for a life I’d like to live and I have my reasons for waiting so long to get one. First of all, I’ve never had the money for such an expensive breed. The costs if everything goes perfectly his whole life would amount up to at least $300 per month, and most of my years, I’ve not had that money to spare. Considering the normal expenses for a Great Dane, and the risks or chance of bloat, some expensive surgery or anything else, I’ve never had the money to care for a Great Dane. If I’d actually gotten a Great Dane some 15-20 years ago, it is most likely true that I’d end up giving him back to the breeder due to my bad financial situation I’ve had since I moved away from home. With the experience I now have with too many dogs bought, rescued and handed back to the previous owner – I have sworn to myself and others that I will never, ever get this Great Dane breed until everything, and I do mean everything is in order. That is why I’ve waited for so long and probably will wait for another ten years if things won’t change for the better and I’ll become a programmer for real. School right now is in a very weird place for me, so I have no idea what will happen right now in my future. The risk I’m taking is I’ll be the one who waited her whole life for a Great Dane, and never got that special “him”. I’m fine with that, really, even though I hate the thought of it. The reason is due to why I’m waiting. If it’s never the right time, it’s not the right time.

When I will get my Great Dane, I’ll have a fulltime, wellpaid job, working as a developer somewhere where I can bring my Great Dane to work, no matter what. From puppy times to his last breath. I’ll have enough money to be able to live alone if possible with a mortgage or high rent to pay, and still be able to afford a car and pay for surgeries or other events that may occur for my baby. Not until then will I have my Great Dane. I feel proud of myself for having this plan and for acting this way.

There is also the health aspect. I do not plan to get a Great Dane, that’ll die on me after 5-6 years of cancer or heart disease from a breeder that does not care about the breed’s longevity and future. From what I’ve learned during all these years, I also feel that having a healthy Great Dane is more important than anything else. I plan to keep him healthy as well, with good Biologically Appropriate Raw Foods, long walks, attention, cuddles and everything else he or we might need from each other. He will be my everything when he’s here. That is why I am waiting. If I could get a purebred, healthy Great Dane puppy (because my dream is to bring my first Great Dane up from the beginning) from a shelter or a rescue here in Sweden, I would, but I’ve already found my breeder of choice and they’re one of the absolute best in my opinion regarding breeding Great Danes here in Sweden. Since I’ve been wanting this specific breed for basically all my adult life, I do think it’s important to choose wisely. I do not want to get a dog, just because it’s a dog. I want my Great Dane. My puppy. My future lifelong friend. I want to be there from the moment of conception, when he’s born, when it’s time to come home to me, and if I do everything right, he might be by my side for 13 years or more. There are no specific Great Dane rescues available anyway in Sweden, because we do not have that big of a problem with backyard breedings or unwanted pets, even if they do exist. I’d rather go dogless forever then to just get another dog considering my history of pet ownership. I refuse to deviate from this plan of getting a Great Dane.

The way I see my future of owning Great Danes something like this:

  1. Get my first Great Dane from the breeder I’ve chosen. He lives with me for at least 10 years (the age here is just a reference). Let’s say I’ll get him the same year I turn 40 or 41. I’m currently 37.
  2. The next GD, will come from abroad as a puppy as well, from the U.S or Canada from one of the best breeders in the business, because I’ve always wanted a Great Dane from the U.S. This is due to the American standard of the breed. I prefer that one more to the European one. Let’s say I’m 55 when this happens. If not from the U.S, it will be from the next best breeder available in Sweden or Scandinavia, with perfectly healthy Great Danes that also uses American bloodlines for that special look and temperament.
  3. The third GD will probably be from a shelter or an older dog. I’m probably 65 or 70 then this happens, so it will most likely be better to have an older dog, if I’m healthy enough that is. Or even alive.

The scenarios above are if I’d only have one dog at a time. It could very well be so in the future that I’ll have more than one Great Dane at a time, but only after I’ve gotten my first one and he’s gotten old enough that it’s time for a new puppy in our lives.

I hope you who’ll read this will respect or accept my arguments regarding my waiting of this breed and why I’m not interested of adopting a dog for myself. From what I’ve learned, it’s so important to get the breed that is most suited for you. I am not an active person. I’m a couch potato. I have mobility issues due to my fibromyalgia and I’ve come to learn that no other breed is like the Great Dane. I do find pugs really adorable though, but the same idea is there too, if I’d get a pug. I wouldn’t get it from a shelter, I’d get one from a really good breeder, and I wouldn’t mind if it took years in order to find the perfect breeder. I’d personally be so heartbroken if anything were to happen when I finally got my Great Dane and I had to give him back or sell him to somebody else. I do not want to live through that again. I love dogs and cats, no matter what breed – but the Great Dane is far too special for me to do anything else then what I’ve written in this post. There is simply nothing like a Great Dane…

Oh, and in case you wondered about the American bloodlines and U.S standard of the breed. The breeder I’ve chosen do have use dogs from the U.S, and due to that, they get the most loving and healthy Great Danes available. Their temperament is amazing!

I can’t wait to have a Great Dane like that.

Why I’m not vegan – yet.

Potatoes, broccoli and chickpeas straight from the oven

This is a rant, and also some information to all those angry vegans who do not accept other non-vegans no matter what reasons they might have for not being vegan. Like comparing them to being murderers, rapists or pedophiles. FFS! How do you think you’re helping the vegan movement by those saying those words to people?! I think you’re a jerk😡. In the video below, Brian Turner explains a little bit of how I feel about this as well. It’s worth a watch!

My reasons for not being vegan might seem stupid for many, but I stick by my choice. I’ve been wanting to go vegan since 2012 or so, from the first time I saw Forks over Knives and all those older vegan documentaries. The reason for why I’ve waited for so long is because I waited for my BF to also see the truth and follow along and at least become vegetarian. Anything else about him and his choices/reasons I’m leaving left unsaid due to showing him some respect. This blog is about me, myself and I anyway and what I think about stuff.

When I finally went vegetarian I was so happy. I thought that it would change everything, that I’d finally be healthy, loose all the weight and regain my former self with less brain-fog and less pain in my body. So far nothing has happened. It’s been the opposite. I keep gaining weight and my health is worse. My belly is about 38″ (97 cm)wide, where it really should be around 26″ (67 cm or at least below 70 cm), and I’m gaining inches in places I did not even know I could fit more fat.

Just to be clear. Before I gained all this weight I was an adult and my belly or waist has always been around 65-70 cm, with some minor fluctuations before I got together with my BF. I was of the illusion that I could never get fat, because in my family we basically only gain weight by having kids and I wasn’t having any. Growing up I always ate a healthier diet than most, with lots of vegetables and fruits, and candy, chips and all that other good stuff was only meant to be eaten in a tiny quantity on some days. That means that I’ve been used to eating everything in moderation, but I was planning on having an adult life where I could eat candy etc whenever I wanted to without gaining weight, since that would be impossible. Little did I know back then that eating crap and lots of it makes you fat – even little old me, vegetarian or not so there you go.

I should also mention that even as an adult, before I got together with my BF, I did eat whatever I wanted for many years, but I still kept it in moderation. A bag of candy, or a bag of potato chips could easily last for days before, but now – not so much, unless I eat all of it by myself. Then it could probably last for days, but I’m more interested these days to let go of the processed crap junk-foods and eat more WFPB, as you well now by now.

Disclaimer!

My weight goal is not to be as skinny as possible, just to be healthy again and feel better than I do right now. Have more energy, find my words easier and have less pain as well, have clothes that fit better, like I did when I was a lot younger. I’m not trying to be anorexic, orthorexic or anything else. Just healthy! Let’s continue with the rant, shall we?

My boobs have gained a cup size (and maybe a half?) since I started to gain more weight about 3 years ago. Yes, before I went vegetarian. It’s been a slippery slope for oh so many years now… Why? Because I’ve become more lazy, more tired etc due to eating a really crappy diet. Yes. You can eat crappy by being vegetarian as well. It’s so darn easy when you eat processed crap and too many cookies. And I hate it! I should be glad if I get 10-15 grams of fiber in me on a daily basis and also if I meet all my nutrient requirements. I probably have not for many years. At least not the fiber part… And my IBS let’s me know it! Not to mention my acid reflux.

In January of this year (2019), I made the decision to advance a whole lot more vegan foods with more fiber and Whole Foods (WF). I have sort of succeeded, but it’s gone slow and instead of losing weight, I’ve actually gained some more, but it’s more like I haven’t tried enough and I’ve still been eating too much processed crap, candy, potato chips and cakes/cookies. As soon as I eat more healthy with more fiber and WF, I notice a difference within a few days. I did however loose a tiny bit of weight in the beginning of the year, but I quickly gained that back when I had a bit of a setback and ate a lot worse again for a few months.

Now it’s summer and I do not have to attend school daily so eating better will be a lot easier. I’ve noticed that those annoying fat deposits I wrote about earlier above have decreased a little from my new eating habits, but it’s going slow as per usual. Hey, better that they slowly disappear and never come back instead of they keep getting bigger and I get more uncomfortable. The first time I tried to eat the way I do now, it was a success, but it did not last. The reason for that was because I mainly just ate the same stuff over and over.

I was fine and am fine in general to eat the same meals often, but the choice of daals (lentil stews) was not a good one. At least the ones I made. They became boring so fast! It was the main reason why I quit, because they only tasted good the first day or so. This time, the plan is to eat more what I feel like and don’t blame myself if I get less fiber for breakfast or lunch one day and a whole lot more some other day. I hope that this summer of a whole lot more of a WFPB vegan diet will help me get my strength and health back so I can continue on this path for school later on when I go back for my 2nd year. That is if I can pass half my math class… 🤬

The plan to become more vegan is to try to eat both my breakfasts and lunches completely vegan and when possible, maximize the fiber and nutrient intake. The best would be if breakfast and lunch together would be around 50-60 grams of fiber. Here’s me hoping for the best! I’ve been checking cronometer a lot these past two weeks since I started eating like this and it’s looking good. The main reason for using cronometer is to check the fiber content and nutrients, so no worries! Many people tend to panic when they hear people using that site, but it’s a really good source to check that you’re getting enough nutrients and fiber in your diet.

It’s a lot easier than I thought to get 50+ grams of fiber a day, and as long as my dinner is not really low grade in nutrients, I basically meet all my requirements and that’s good. The only problem with eating that much fiber is that it takes me like 5-6 hours at least to get hungry again, and that’s a problem right now with the planning of dinners. I’m working on that too, and the best solution is to have a fiber rich smoothie in the morning and try to eat lunch at noon or way before 1 o’ clock.

A fiber rich smoothie, for those of you who wonders means that I use about 30 grams of chia seeds, about 15 grams of flaxseeds and sometimes 10 grams of psyllium husk powder in my smoothies to get all that fiber in. I also try to always have 100 grams of everything else, and always use rasberries or some other really fiber rich berry in the smoothie to get more fiber. Generally, I can get a smoothie that’s nutrient dense and fiber rich with about 35 grams of fiber if I use the basis I mentioned.

This image above show what a typical day of eating breakfast and lunch would contain. The hummus is added for like a possible sauce for dinners and/or dipping veggies in for lunch. The oat milk is added for vitamin D and B12. The brand of psyllium husk seeds does not matter, there is the same amount of fiber in all of them. I get 66 grams of fiber and 91% nutrients targeted from just eating this on a daily basis. I could certainly live like this.

With this base smoothie I get almost 50% of my daily targets. That’s pretty awesome. I drink it slowly, I can get about a liter(32 oz) of smoothie of this. I have to use more water due to the psyllium husk powder. If I did not use that, I’d get a 5 dl (16 oz) smoothie instead, but the fiber is more important to me right now. Below is a list of ingredients I use normally in my smoothies. It’s a good thing to thaw the berries and other frozen stuff first before blending.

  • 100 grams of frozen rasberries
  • 100 grams of frozen strawberries
  • 100 grams of frozen spinage or kale (or other leafy greens), optional but use frozen to get a 100 grams of it easier.
  • 30 grams of chia seeds, crushed or not
  • 15 grams of flax seeds, whole or crushed (In Sweden, only whole are available)
  • 10 grams of psyllium husk powder
  • 1 liter of water (32 oz), or half if psyllium husk powder is not used and berries are thawed beforehand.

I am taking my steps towards being vegan slowly, and I’m doing what I can to change the stuff in my home as well. I now use the humble tooth brush, and whenever I can I use vegan shampoos and conditioners. Sometimes I’m “forced” to use non-vegan stuff, but that’s due to my own mobility issues. For example, I am lousy at using my hands for anything other than typing on a computer, so washing my hair with a shampoo that does not lather that much only makes my scalp itch, so I have to use other products for that. There’s a lot of buildup and residue, and only a well foamed shampoo helps with that.

If I could find a vegan shampoo that lather as much as any non-vegan product, I’d buy it without having to rinse and repeat. I find that process tedious as F. I actually have started to hate washing my hair, because it takes so long. Now I’ve got shorter hair again, but it’s still tedious to wash it and conditioners generally also make my hair greasier a lot sooner, so I really do prefer using only shampoos when possible. I’ve also tried to switch out other house hold products such as dish washing soap and cleaning products to vegan ones.

If I was the only one living in this apartment, everything would be vegan and chemical free, but my lovely does not like the vegan products. He believes they do not make it all clean, but that’s bullshit. I clean our toilets with this soap and it works wonders! I’ve done so for years! The hand wash soap in my current bathroom is almost always a vegan one as well. My current skin products are almost all vegan. I’m not so sure about some of them, but all the lotions are vegan at least! Now I only have to find a toothpaste that’s vegan and lathers a lot. Do you have any ideas on brands to use? Leave a comment and let me know. I now use Aquafresh, which is most likely tested on animals and with the toothpaste itself containing tiny plastic particles that’s hurting the oceans and the fish. I’d really like to not use that (due to the plastics issue), but I have not found an alternative yet. But according to their websites, it’s totally free of animal products, so that’s good! I really like that toothpaste! Knowing that it’s animal free makes me feel better about using it.

To sum it up, I’m doing my very best to be more vegan in my life. My goal is to be vegan someday, but when I’ll get there I have no idea. If I could eat like i plan do to during this summer, that’s more than good enough for me for a foreseeable future. My plan is not to go vegan overnight, go all in and stop being vegan after X weeks, months or years. My plan is to go vegan and stay vegan. Until I die! When that day happens, I’d stopped wanting to eat the processed non-vegan junkfoods, candy and cookies etc or I’ve found really good replacements for all of them. Even if I never get to be a 100% WFPB vegan, that’s fine. I’d like to have cheat days, like I’ve written before, but it would be good for my health, and the planet if my food was like 90% WFPB and 100% vegan. That’s the main goal to be honest. Any step towards that is a great step in my opinion. You have no idea how proud I feel of myself when I have completely vegan days of eating.😍

But right now, I’m glad I’ve started to do something for real again and I’ll do my best to keep on doing it. If this works like I want it too, it could mean that I’m gonna be vegan within 3-5 years or even sooner than that, but if I go back to my bad eating habits again, I’d might as well be dead of cancer and/or heart disease before I’m 45. That’s how bad it probably is or will be if I change nothing. Considering the bad place my health has been for so many years, I have to do my best to be better, eat better, live better. When I go vegan, I’ll be vegan for life.

And this is how I plan on doing it.

Some upcoming topics, and also – this is a test post?!

I’m mainly writing this post to check if the post will be shared properly to Facebook this time around. There’s an issue that’s been going on lately, but it seems now that wp.com has acknowledged the issue and the problem lies with FB themselves for messing something up in the sharing process from WordPress.com. Also, I’ve been thinking about some topics I’d like to discuss, or at least just write about, and here they are:

Veganism:

  • Why dogs are NOT omnivores, but (scavenger or opportunistic) carnivores. Even though I’m not a scientist, or an expert on dogs – I don’t understand why the GI tract for humans and other animals is mentioned for why humans are supposed to be herbivores, but it’s ignored when we talk about obvious carnivorous animals (besides lions?!)…
  • The whole stupidity about “why I’m not vegan anymore” trend that’s going on and the obvious pattern they follow, making meat lovers hate on veganism even more…
  • Why I will go vegan some day and why I’m not there yet.

My current life:

  • My plans for the summer, and how I plan to try out (as far as I possibly can) – a Whole Food Plant Based vegan diet during the weekdays, focusing mainly on getting as much fiber and nutrients as humanly possible (for me at least, don’t wanna mess anything up).
  • More on how math sucks, and how I came to almost like it. Or perhaps hate it even more.
  • My life as an upcoming developer, learning Unity, making a puzzle game and frustrations/happiness deluxe situations with various programming languages and platforms.

Disclaimer!

Considering I am the person that I am, I can not make any promises that all of these posts will be written in the near future. By near, I mean at least before summer is over, or something of that nature. Either way, I’d appreciate it if you’d read all of my future posts, subscribe to the blog by filling in the form below, follow it on Facebook and all that other fun stuff. You can find me on basically all the platforms out there. Links to my social media is found somewhere on this blog, in the widgets most likely in the footer or sidebars… (depending on what theme I’m currently using)

It’s time to start thinking about that first summer job…

Since I started college in the fall of 2018, I’ve had a plan that I’d be looking for work after year one. First I’d like a summer job and if that goes well, I might be doing smaller jobs for that company later on and if not, I’ll be trying to do that for some other company instead. Then in year two I’ll continue to look for employment over the summer and hopefully get one (or just continue with the current company that’ll have me) and it goes on and on. However, during the fall of 2020 I have to have a part time job with a salary at least around $1400 before Swedish taxes, but preferably not more than 10 hours per week of labor. Or some other task that’ll get me some money to be used for rent and such until I’ve graduated in June 2021. One example would be to take care of a website and /or create an app for a company where I get a bigger sum of money that I can use to pay rent and other expenses until I graduate. After that I hope I’ve landed my dream job, if not already long before then but as of now, I think a lot about my future and where to go next.

In order for me to even get a job someday, I have to have a portfolio, preferably a website dedicated to my developer skills and some apps to show off to a future employer. During these few weeks, I’ve started to do just that, but before you’ll feel happy for me, let’s just say it all turned to shit before something good could come of it. I got a web hosting thing started again with the web host I used last time. I need a service like that both for blogging and for development, so access to databases and PhpMyAdmin etc is very useful. However, after tinkering a lot with some code locally on my computer – I noticed and got told that this would not work with my future and current java applications, due to many reasons. This sucks, but somehow I’m glad, because I still do remember why I stopped messing around with stupid web hosts and that shit. Still, somehow it is different now, since I’ve actually started to learn how to do this! Not to mention I’ve always wanted to learn this, so in a way it’s perfect for this since I’m a student now. It’s just shitty no matter what that this happened, but I am glad I got my money back from the web host.

To solve the database problem, I’ve started to play around with cloud services. That is so advanced that I have basically no idea what I’m doing, but I’ve tried following the instructions and no matter what I do, I can’t get my code in IntelliJ to work with an external database. It only works with a local one, which is fine, but I’m lazy and would love if I could have access to an external MySQL database so I could use that DB on whatever computer and/or network I’m on. It works to connect MySQL Workbench etc to the cloud, but the code get’s “access denied” messages or other errors… I think it’s due to me not using the right libraries but I have no idea on how I should do it either. We haven’t been taught this stuff in school yet… at least not how to use external databases.

Still, it is useless it seems and I am not sure that I should be spending my time on this. It might be too early for everything. Many of my classmates say that to find work within IT as a developer after your first college year would be a miracle if it was possible, so many of them will work with other jobs to get some money over the summer breaks. In my current situation, with me having the “ability” to not get a job anywhere else then within IT, I have to take my chances now. Also – I do not want to work with anything else than programming! I am not the best student in class, but I think I know enough to at least try. Also I’ve learned so much this semester, even though I’ve been by myself 90% of the time. I’m amazed at what I know today regarding Java, programming and OOP as well. I still suck at terminology though, due to my memory problems that are explained by my illness Fibromyalgia.

Also, I have a backup plan. If I do not get hired over the summer I shall spend it creating the game I’ve wanted to create for so long and hopefully that will be popular enough so I can make some money from that over the coming years. I do not believe it will be super popular, but I’m mainly gonna make that game for myself. If somebody else wants to play, great! Go buy it! It will be a lot cheaper than you think if I can release it to the public, and most likely not free… In my mind I’d rather pay $1 – $5 and be able to play my match-three games without loosing lives and having to wait or be bothered by ads or DLC stuff. If all goes as planned with that stuff, it will be released on iPad, Steam and perhaps Android and iOS devices with at least a 5.5″ screen. Size does matter for this game… At least in my mind it does. Don’t know about you…

So now you know what I’ve been up to. Let’s hope for the best, shall we? And also, do you have any recommendations on what to do with a portfolio website? I have a Swedish site for this already, but I want one in English as well, but WP on WP.com at least is not so useful for this and I do not want to spend more (or any money) if possible. $4 a month for my main Swedish blog is more than enough, thank you very much…

Yes, the iPhone Xr can take portrait lighting photos of your cat!

And how do I know this? Because I was “silly” and went out and bought one. Yes. I could not hold out any longer and I just hade to let the crave of a new phone win. I still am half unsure if I made the right choice, but the phone is amazing and all those few things I still battle with will most likely subside in the near future. The stuff I’m referring to is the size of the phone and those missing camera features, but I am so certain they are no biggies in a few weeks. If nothing else the huge battery life will make up for it.

Ok, on to the camera stuff! What I mean with the title of this post is that it is very much possible to take those amazing photos with black background of your cat, as well as other objects by using the selfie cam, or the otherwise known name – the TrueDepth camera. It is not yet possible to do this with the rear camera, due to the Xr’s general limitations, but there are other apps out there that can fix that problem easily if you’d like to take normal portrait mode photos of your pet.

My cat Maja, taken by the kitchen window with black background.

The only struggle or problem with this is getting to frame the object or pet at the right moment with the selfie cam. With the photo above I was really lucky and managed to get a photo of her without half of her face being blurry etc. Even though the photo is not perfect, it looks 100% better than any other photo I could manipulate myself in Gimp or something like that and that means that it’s worth every struggle! If I’m luckier in the future I’ll be able to train her to be more photogenic, but my best bet is that Apple actually allows portrait studio and lighting photos in later updates of objects and pets.

Now, about that purchase…

I don’t really want this post to be another one about Apple products, but if you’d like to know the story of how it happened, here it is:
On Saturday the 12th of January I was so bored out of my mind that I did not know what to do with myself. I wrote a blog post in my Swedish blog about my struggle about what phone to buy, and at the end I wrote that I should go to the nearest store to play around with the phones some more. I had actually thought of a plan, at it was that I went with at the end. The plan was if I got the Xr instead of the Xs, I could actually afford to get AppleCare+, a screen protector, a cheap case, a popsocket etc without spending more than what the iPhone Xs costs or maybe less than that. I had then and there decided, since I found out the price benefits of that choice that if the TrueDepth camera actually can take photos of objects (not just pets, but objects) it would mean that it can take portrait mode/lighting photos of pets as well. That meant that the iPhone Xr was the better choice, even if it’s bigger since I get a whole lot more for the “same or less” amount of money spent. The popsocket was something I’d like to try because of the bigger size and so far I like it a lot, but with my next case I’ve ordered that’s custom, I probably need to re-position it a bit.

Ok, so how’s the experience so far? Well, the first thing I think of is that I got an enormous phone again, but with a (ginormous) perfect screen. It feels like it’s three times the size of my iPhone SE… There is just so much screen! My mind is almost blown because of it. The battery life is also great. Yesterday I had like 3 hours of SOT (including background stuff) and I ended the day with like 85% left, maybe a little bit more and I used the phone on and off between 9AM – 11PM or something like that. With my SE, I could have days like that too, but only on days where I barely touched it. I am looking forward to what it’s gonna be lik when I’m traveling back and fort to school as well as those days when I have to be hot-spot to work on stuff outside of Wi-Fi. I am usually hotspot several times a week, or at least I have been lately due to group meetings with classmates not being held where there’s safe Wi-Fi to be found.

The setup of the phone was almost perfect. I had to do an update if iOS while I was setting it up, but besides that I was amazed and so glad that the iCloud backup worked like a charm. It remembered all my folders, my wallpaper and almost all the logins as well. That did not work when I setup my iPad in September btw… The only thing I had to fix was some banking stuff and security measures and that was it. I was done! Absolutely amazing! Face ID is awesome. It feels so easy, almost like a step is missing and so far I do NOT miss the home button. Actually I’m glad to be rid of it, because I did not really like it on my SE. However, I prefer using Touch ID on the iPad, because it works a whole lot better on that device. On my SE, I had to press – hard whenever I needed to use it, and my sensitive fingers did not like that, so I’m glad I don’t have to do that any longer. Of course I’d probably prefer Face ID on the iPad, but the huge downside of that for me at least, is that I wouldn’t know what side is up or down. Yeah, I know that with the newest iPad Pro that does not matter, but for my stupid brain – it is. I like to know what side is supposed to be up, so for the iPad, I’ll be keeping it or using Touch ID for as long as possible. Don’t worry, I do not feel at all – for one bit that I must or need to replace the iPad yet. I love that thing and it’s as close to perfection as I could get for a device like that. My hope at least with this iPhone Xr purchase is that I can let my Apple addiction subside for a bit, because now I do not want to focus on that any longer. I have a new phone that’s like the ultimate phone in every single way and I hope it’s a device I get to keep for at least 3 years or so. There have to be something absolutely amazing for the next iPhone models to happen in order for me to feel I want a new phone again. Perhaps a really low price would be it, but as of now – no. This is the phone to keep.

I got it in black. At first I was thinking of getting it in Red, to support Apple’s Aids campaign, even though I actually hate the color Red. If the phone would’ve come in hot pink (magenta) that would be the “duh” choice, but it was not an option and I’d hide the color with a skin or case either way so the color does not matter. I’m glad I got it in black, really even though it is a bit boring, but the custom cases I shall use with this phone will sort that problem pretty easily. Whenever I feel like I need a change – just order a new case and change the wallpaper or something. I should be able to keep that promise at least. Do something like iJustine does. She on the other hand have like a 100 cases for each iPhone she’s ever owned or something, but if you’d like to change up your phone, why not do it with a case? And a custom one as well! Customized cases is like the best thing since sliced bread in my opinion, or at least if feels like that since I became an Apple fan and an iPhone owner.

So, now I’m off to enjoy this iPhone Xr and I look forward to how it will let my life become a little bit better, by being a phone I can rely on, take amazing photos on and type on a little bit better than with that tiny screen of the iPhone SE…

If you have an iPhone Xr, how do you like it? Let me know by leaving a comment down below. Thanks!

Let’s talk iPhone prices!

It’s no secret that iPhones and Apple products in general are expensive. But you often get what you pay for. The higher prices, the durability, the stability etc were many of those selling points I had that made me switch over to iOS and the Apple ecosystem in 2018. I have not regretted it since. Like I written in my last post, the obsession of getting more Apple products instead keeps getting bigger and bigger. It won’t stop sometimes until I have every last product available to me with the  logo on it, or at least it’s starting to feel like that. But what’s keeping me from buying more stuff from Apple? Well, money and the general idea that I actually (and really) already have whatever it is that I need from them. I have a pretty big collection today of Apple products and I love them and the feeling of having them.

If I could decide 100% about everything we own in this household, basically all technological stuff would be an Apple product wherever possible. The reason? Well, stability, durability and longevity. But those prices… The only thing I’d consider cheap in the Apple product line is the Apple TV. The reason for that is because our crappy collection of Android TV’s (Nvidia Shield) are really crappy and more expensive than an Apple TV. We have three of them, and one just died and we had to swop it out for a new one. Another one, has started to lag, glitch, it keeps restarting and crashing and it has always – from the beginning crashed whenever we watch a movie on it. At least 9 of 10 times that happens. It’s considered a miracle when it does not happen, or something. The third one we barely use, but the few times I’ve tried it’s been basically unusable, so I am not impressed and I’m pretty tired of bad products. I only want stuff that works, reliably, and Apple has a bigger tendency (from rumors and experience) to build stuff that lasts without issues and that’s one of the main reasons I switched from Android and Windows to the Apple ecosystem.

Then there’s the epic story of me always wanting a new phone. Or at least a phone that does what it should that I can rely on no matter what. A phone that lasts and keeps me satisfied for years. Since the Google Nexus line vanished, that’s been a true obsession, because I haven’t really had it. For the past years, that’s been hard, and my reasons for “hating” on the iPhone SE are so tiny, that it’s almost hilarious. I stand by loving my phone, but like I mentioned in the last post, it’s just to tiny in every way, but the iPhone prices are a huge deal for me as of now, and that’s the main thing keeping me from getting a new one. Also I do not want to get one on contract, even though it is “oh, so tempting” these days. But no. The reason for that is that I’ve made my financial mistakes in the past and whenever I stopped making them, I have money. Go figure?! If you don’t spend it on unnecessary shit, you have money… Who could’ve thought? If you don’t spend it on crap, you can actually pay rent. You can have food on the table and live a good life. Just don’t spend it on shit you don’t need. So I’ve stopped. Also I’ve had many phones on contract, and sooner rather than later, I’d like to get a new phone and then I’m still locked in with no way to pay it off without losing my left arm or something. Surely, it’s not that bad today. That’s why it’s sort of tempting to buy on contract because I can pay it off whenever I want. Like I wrote in my last post, I’m just extremely cautious with my money these days and I don’t like having anxiety over what I’ve spent it on. I do spend money, mostly on food, but that’s more important to me today than just getting a new phone every year or something. And now on to the actual post topic. The iPhone prices…

If you’ve hidden under a rock since this blog started, or just don’t read my stuff very well or perhaps you’re here for the first time – you might have missed that I am a Swedish person living in Sweden. My home country is a huge fan of iPhones. Almost 60% or so of all the smartphones sold here are iPhones. Still, we as many other countries such as Canada pay the so called “Apple tax” so the Apple products here are more expensive than in the U.S and some other countries that do not pay this specific tax. In the U.S, many of the Apple products in my book are considered cheap, or at least cheap enough to not break the bank. The iPhone X that came out in 2017 was priced in Sweden about $1300 with today’s money value (jan 2019). That was really expensive, but this year, it’s even worse. Now the cheapest option for getting an iPhone Xs 64 GB is priced at $1400 in the Apple store. If you’re lucky you can save about $100 at other places, but let’s go with the Apple Store prices for now. The “cheaper” iPhone Xr costs about $1070 at the Apple store, and for that phone it’s really expensive as well. These prices are ridiculous, but I personally do not blame Apple for these huge prices. I know it’s because our Swedish crown is worse against the dollar today. Adding to the U.S and those tariffs or whatever, also hikes the prices a whole lot for many countries. But it still sucks.

In a more “normal” world, the correct prices should be at least $150 less. As Swedes buying a lot of Apple products, we’re happy to pay the price for those amazing phones. If the iPhone Xs cost around $1100 that would be a whole lot better. Even $1200 with today’s money would be an ok price, even though it’s “holy-shit-that’s-expensive” price, it would be better. If the iPhone Xr actually cost what what it should, about $899, it would sell out faster than I don’t know what. It’s this year’s price hikes that have failed customers a lot. There are still many people at the Apple Store, and many are buying iPhones still, but I have yet to see an iPhone Xr on the train. All I see are mainly older iPhones or iPhone X’s from 2017. Those sold a lot!

If I should mentioned, like I said before – it is possible to save about $100 if you buy the latest phones from other stores than the Apple Store, and that’s good. The cheapest available for the Xr is just above $1000, but for me, it’s still a bit too steep for a phone of that kind. I at least thought so before I played around with it and realized that the phone is awesome, so now I’m not so sure. The real differences are minuscule, really so if you’re not as obsessive about black backgrounds as I am, you’d be stupid almost not to get the Xr and save a few in the process.

Also I do not know for how much longer I’ll be able to keep my iPhone SE, but I shall try and try and try until I go blue in the face to not buy a new one because of everything and more that I wrote about in my last post. It is driving me nuts, but I should also point out that everything in my head goes in like Speedy Gonzales speed or something, so I can make up my mind fast, and if I generally “take some time to think about it” it mostly means that I’ve made a decision in like 2 hours where many think about it for days or months. The biggest enemy I’m fighting is time, really because everything goes so slowly outside my stupid brain. I feel like I do think about stuff for a long time, but all I do after I’ve come to a conclusion is repeat myself until the problem is solved, and that’s my current situation with all Apple products, but mainly iPhones. And that can go on for years!

It’s like a current loop. I’ve come to the conclusion a while back that I want a new phone, for stupid reasons. Still, I want one. The things I’m contemplating until I’ve actually bought one are:

  • Is the iPhone Xr camera enough? It sure is in every other way…
  • Is the Xr too big? I want a bigger screen, yes, but I hesitate with the phablet aspect.
  • Will the Xs battery life be too small, even though it has all the camera features? No matter what it’s almost guaranteed to be better than the iPhone SE… Anything would be better than the SE’s battery life!
  • Can the Xr take cat selfies with Portrait Lighting using the TrueDepth camera? If so, it’s a given winner – but nothing online says so 🤔
  • How fast can I get myself a custom case made after I’ve actually bought the new device?
  • Will I hate myself if I buy a new phone too early? (probably not, I’d most likely be relieved.)
  • Will the $340 price difference (in Sweden) between the Xr and Xs matter if I really can keep my next phone for like 3 years? Probably not…

After I played around with the Xr and the Xs at the Apple Store the other day, I thought of the amazing idea that I could actually put my cat, Maja (pronounced [Mah-ya]) against an even background, put the Xr on a stand on the floor, set a timer for portrait photos and just go to town with burst mode. Hopefully that way I’ll get a couple of nice photos of her when I need too, and for rear portrait mode photos, there’s an app called Halide or something, and I’d easily get that one if possible. If this plan works, aka that the iPhone Xr actually can take selfies with pets using those portrait lighting and studio effects, my biggest problem is solved. I tried the camera in the store, photographing my hand and another phone and I’ve got some great results, and there is an easy way to get bokeh effects with a normal camera as well, just get the subject close enough and you’re done or something. Below you can se what I mean, all photos are taken with my iPhone SE.

The only thing I’d really think I’d want for those rear camera photos are portrait lightning of my cat Maja and perhaps other people in my life, because they can be so full of expressions, with that amazing background. But I don’t know if I’m being too greedy or something with the choice between the Xr and the Xs. The battery life of the Xs and the bigger price tag is what will decide it for sure, but I’m pretty sure I’d be more than satisfied with the Xr after the last post and experience at the Apple Store. I just wanna make sure that I’m 100% satisfied with the purchase of my next phone – no matter what. That way I won’t be that easily persuaded to upgrade yet again when the new iPhones come out next year etc. No, the next one must absolutely be the phone of choice. The phone to master them all. The phone that is the best of the bunch in all different ways that could easily have or get enough camera features that I would not care that much about newer models. Like I felt when I bought the latest Nexus phones. I’d love to have that feeling again. A phone I’m so extremely satisfied with that I won’t budge, even if I’m a little bit curious… I wonder. Is that the iPhone Xr, the Xs or some other phone?

I can say right now that with the rumors of the iPhone X1 getting 3 cameras on the back seems a lot like overkill, so that’s why I sort of feel like upgrading now. I am not interested in a phone with 3 cameras on the back, no matter what that extra lens could do…

I played around with the new iPhones today…

And oh, fuck – do I want a bigger phone! Seriously. It’s crazy. Don’t get me wrong. I absolutely love my iPhone SE, since it’s probably the best phone I’ve ever had, but it’s so tiny and I hate writing on it, because all words are so often misspelled. By the best I mean that’s it’s the most reliable phone I’ve had so far. I’ve written about this before, when I first got my iPhone SE, so read more in that post to know more. However, this iPhone and Apple obsession never seems to end. It just goes on and on and on. And I do not know why! Isn’t it enough now? Apparently not. I need to have more than just an iPhone, Macbook Pro, Mac Mini and an iPad with the Apple Pencil. I tried the AirPods and I’ve also bought a magic mouse. Sadly the AirPods did not work well enough for my ears, so I returned them after a few weeks. Now I use the OnePlus Wireless Bullets instead. They work fine, but I’d much rather try a pair of BeatsX bullets instead, since they have the W1 chip. That chip is great, because it means I can easily switch between the Apple products I have, but with the OP bullets, not so much. I’m seriously thinking of giving those to my BF and buy myself a pair of BeatsX instead, but we’ll see what happens. No matter what, I want (need) this Apple obsession to stop. Like seriously stop!

One photo of me taken with the iPhone Xr from an Apple Store. I love the black background effect!

Like the title of this post, I do have to tell you about my experience today, playing around for a bit with the new phones. I just had to! It was totally necessary so I could know more. I played with all of them, but mostly the Xr. All the photos in this post are from that phone, including the featured image. The reason for that was because I wanted to try taking black background selfies with all of the cameras, but when I played around with the next one, the Xs, the camera features threw me off a bit. That was because of I noticed that I couldn’t take those light studio photos of objects, only of people and because of that I forgot to take selfies with it. Later, it turned out that it was because of the environment of the store and lack of good backgrounds that was the issue, but still, I’m sad that I couldn’t take any selfies with the Xs. I wanted to know if the camera differences really are such a big deal, because I’d really like to get a cheaper phone if possible, next time I buy one. As of now, it seems even more that the Xr is more than good enough for me, but the three big differences still remain.

ModelXrXsXs Max
PriceWinnerSomewhat winsToo expensive!
SizeSomewhat winsWinnerToo big, but best for typing
Camera featuresMisses portrait lightning on rear camera and no “bokeh” effect for petsHas all the featuresHas all the features
Battery lifeAbsolute winner according to many sourcesProbably worstWinner

With the table above you can see my reasoning of all the devices. At first I have to point out that they are all too expensive, but since they have different price tags, one must be cheaper and one more expensive. In Sweden the prices are outrageous, but that’s a topic for another day. The Xs max was most likely way too big, but sure it was absolutely best for typing. It’s also too expensive, unless I’d get it from somewhere else and I can pay the same price as a normal Xs, so that’s ok. But it’s too big and the Xs Max is most likely out of the picture now. the Xr wins easily with it’s price and the size is ok. As of today as a 8 month-ish iPhone SE user, it felt a bit too big as well, but I liked it and everything about it was a whole lot better than I first anticipated. I did not notice the bigger bezels or the notch. All I cared about was the camera and typing experience. If I’d someday decide to get that one, I’m sure I’ll be more than satisfied with it. The Xs felt best to hold in the hand, but worst at typing, due to the smallest screen, but the screen size was more than enough either way. The LCD screen was also amazing on the Xr, so that would be no problem for me whatsoever.

The three biggest deals for me are price, camera features and battery life. I need a phone that lasts me through a whole day while I’m at school and preferably longer. This means I need it to have enough battery left when I get home so I don’t feel like panicking. Panic occurs when I have less than 50% and it’s before 6PM or something like that. I guess I’m lucky that way? I need the phone to withstand at least 1 hour as hotspot, 2-3 hours of wireless bluetooth listening to Spotify while on the train and be used while I surf the web and go through social media. It’s not necessarily needed for gaming, since I only use my iPad for that these days. It would also be nice if I could take many photos and a video or two without loosing too much battery. With my iPhone SE I have less than 30% often when I have days like that and I’ve been to school and I fucking hate it! And often on those days, I’ve only been away for like 5 hours and I get home at 2 PM. I do not think that’s normal behavior for a phone. Maybe for a phone with that tiny battery, but still, it’s not good. Also the typing experience on the SE sucks! Especially in Swedish, so I am doing everything I can to type on it as little as possible. In order for me to write on it properly I have to use so much energy to make sure I hit the right keys and still, it wouldn’t work that good. I really dislike it but I am still ashamed of thinking of a new phone because of many things and I shall write about those next:

I got my iPhone SE as a gift from my BF for getting a passing grade in math in june 2018. That was amazing! I’ve told myself from the start that I hope this phone will last, and it will, as long as I never leave the apartment and only browse the internet, or something like that. If I use it for anything more, especially out of the house it’s a problem within minutes of use. I hate to be bothered by it, but at the same time I can’t stop thinking about getting myself a better device. If I wasn’t attending college right now, I probably would not care that much, but since I am, and I’m finally doing something with my time, my tiny phone with its tiny screen and tiniest battery in the world is really an issue for me. It makes it hard for me to focus on other things if I’m not doing something really important, like studying, but right now, I’m on the Christmas break, so I’ve gotten more than needed time to think about getting a new phone. Even though I don’t “really” need it.

There are solutions, of course. Always bring my charger with me while on foot. Use a computer to chat whenever possible, and since I’m not an active vlogger on YouTube or that active of a blogger on WordPress, there’s really no need for a fantastic camera in my pocket, since what I have absolutely does the job. I do all of that today and I save my money and I will continue to do so as long as possible. But still, I can’t stop thinking about it and it drives me nuts! I seriously hope I can solve this or stop thinking about this without buying a new phone before it’s time to upgrade anyway. No matter what I will upgrade this year, because I can’t stand these “tiny” issues, because they are tiny. Even as a pun. Tiny as being unnecessary feelings and tiny because everything about the SE is tiny!

As long as I can continue to not buy a new phone just because “I can”, I am considering myself to be a hero or something. You have seriously no idea how much energy and will I have to use in order for me to stop these “buying” feelings… And it’s only gonna get harder after today with this new experience. If I wasn’t so greedy when it comes to money, or cheap, or just simply “I do not want to spend money if I absolutely do not have to” as a person, I’d have an 8 plus, X, Xs, Xr or any other expensive and new(ish) iPhone in my pocket already. However, in my life as of now, since living most of my days rather poorly since I left home in 2001 – I love to save money and not spend it. Like Scrooge MacDuck, without being a billionaire. As of now I’m just a “poor student”.

Spending money makes me nervous if spent on the wrong thing, because I’ve done so way too much when I was younger. I do not want to repeat those mistakes again, so I want to make sure that everything I buy these days are worth while, even though I’m not considered poor by any means any longer, because now I save instead of spend. I bought my iPad with my own money when I started school, and luckily that purchase has not caused me any anxiety whatsoever. I even think about it as a “free” device since I’ve then gotten all that money back by saving each month and I use it on a daily basis for both school, and many other things and I love it. If I perhaps can think of my next iPhone the same way, by continuing to save money and eventually getting it back (by continuing to save money), it will be a lot easier? What do you think? What would you do if you were in my shoes?

Another photo of me with a black background. This time, my face is in color.