Yes, the iPhone Xr can take portrait lighting photos of your cat!

And how do I know this? Because I was “silly” and went out and bought one. Yes. I could not hold out any longer and I just hade to let the crave of a new phone win. I still am half unsure if I made the right choice, but the phone is amazing and all those few things I still battle with will most likely subside in the near future. The stuff I’m referring to is the size of the phone and those missing camera features, but I am so certain they are no biggies in a few weeks. If nothing else the huge battery life will make up for it.

Ok, on to the camera stuff! What I mean with the title of this post is that it is very much possible to take those amazing photos with black background of your cat, as well as other objects by using the selfie cam, or the otherwise known name – the TrueDepth camera. It is not yet possible to do this with the rear camera, due to the Xr’s general limitations, but there are other apps out there that can fix that problem easily if you’d like to take normal portrait mode photos of your pet.

My cat Maja, taken by the kitchen window with black background.

The only struggle or problem with this is getting to frame the object or pet at the right moment with the selfie cam. With the photo above I was really lucky and managed to get a photo of her without half of her face being blurry etc. Even though the photo is not perfect, it looks 100% better than any other photo I could manipulate myself in Gimp or something like that and that means that it’s worth every struggle! If I’m luckier in the future I’ll be able to train her to be more photogenic, but my best bet is that Apple actually allows portrait studio and lighting photos in later updates of objects and pets.

Now, about that purchase…

I don’t really want this post to be another one about Apple products, but if you’d like to know the story of how it happened, here it is:
On Saturday the 12th of January I was so bored out of my mind that I did not know what to do with myself. I wrote a blog post in my Swedish blog about my struggle about what phone to buy, and at the end I wrote that I should go to the nearest store to play around with the phones some more. I had actually thought of a plan, at it was that I went with at the end. The plan was if I got the Xr instead of the Xs, I could actually afford to get AppleCare+, a screen protector, a cheap case, a popsocket etc without spending more than what the iPhone Xs costs or maybe less than that. I had then and there decided, since I found out the price benefits of that choice that if the TrueDepth camera actually can take photos of objects (not just pets, but objects) it would mean that it can take portrait mode/lighting photos of pets as well. That meant that the iPhone Xr was the better choice, even if it’s bigger since I get a whole lot more for the “same or less” amount of money spent. The popsocket was something I’d like to try because of the bigger size and so far I like it a lot, but with my next case I’ve ordered that’s custom, I probably need to re-position it a bit.

Ok, so how’s the experience so far? Well, the first thing I think of is that I got an enormous phone again, but with a (ginormous) perfect screen. It feels like it’s three times the size of my iPhone SE… There is just so much screen! My mind is almost blown because of it. The battery life is also great. Yesterday I had like 3 hours of SOT (including background stuff) and I ended the day with like 85% left, maybe a little bit more and I used the phone on and off between 9AM – 11PM or something like that. With my SE, I could have days like that too, but only on days where I barely touched it. I am looking forward to what it’s gonna be lik when I’m traveling back and fort to school as well as those days when I have to be hot-spot to work on stuff outside of Wi-Fi. I am usually hotspot several times a week, or at least I have been lately due to group meetings with classmates not being held where there’s safe Wi-Fi to be found.

The setup of the phone was almost perfect. I had to do an update if iOS while I was setting it up, but besides that I was amazed and so glad that the iCloud backup worked like a charm. It remembered all my folders, my wallpaper and almost all the logins as well. That did not work when I setup my iPad in September btw… The only thing I had to fix was some banking stuff and security measures and that was it. I was done! Absolutely amazing! Face ID is awesome. It feels so easy, almost like a step is missing and so far I do NOT miss the home button. Actually I’m glad to be rid of it, because I did not really like it on my SE. However, I prefer using Touch ID on the iPad, because it works a whole lot better on that device. On my SE, I had to press – hard whenever I needed to use it, and my sensitive fingers did not like that, so I’m glad I don’t have to do that any longer. Of course I’d probably prefer Face ID on the iPad, but the huge downside of that for me at least, is that I wouldn’t know what side is up or down. Yeah, I know that with the newest iPad Pro that does not matter, but for my stupid brain – it is. I like to know what side is supposed to be up, so for the iPad, I’ll be keeping it or using Touch ID for as long as possible. Don’t worry, I do not feel at all – for one bit that I must or need to replace the iPad yet. I love that thing and it’s as close to perfection as I could get for a device like that. My hope at least with this iPhone Xr purchase is that I can let my Apple addiction subside for a bit, because now I do not want to focus on that any longer. I have a new phone that’s like the ultimate phone in every single way and I hope it’s a device I get to keep for at least 3 years or so. There have to be something absolutely amazing for the next iPhone models to happen in order for me to feel I want a new phone again. Perhaps a really low price would be it, but as of now – no. This is the phone to keep.

I got it in black. At first I was thinking of getting it in Red, to support Apple’s Aids campaign, even though I actually hate the color Red. If the phone would’ve come in hot pink (magenta) that would be the “duh” choice, but it was not an option and I’d hide the color with a skin or case either way so the color does not matter. I’m glad I got it in black, really even though it is a bit boring, but the custom cases I shall use with this phone will sort that problem pretty easily. Whenever I feel like I need a change – just order a new case and change the wallpaper or something. I should be able to keep that promise at least. Do something like iJustine does. She on the other hand have like a 100 cases for each iPhone she’s ever owned or something, but if you’d like to change up your phone, why not do it with a case? And a custom one as well! Customized cases is like the best thing since sliced bread in my opinion, or at least if feels like that since I became an Apple fan and an iPhone owner.

So, now I’m off to enjoy this iPhone Xr and I look forward to how it will let my life become a little bit better, by being a phone I can rely on, take amazing photos on and type on a little bit better than with that tiny screen of the iPhone SE…

If you have an iPhone Xr, how do you like it? Let me know by leaving a comment down below. Thanks!

Advertisements

Let’s talk iPhone prices!

It’s no secret that iPhones and Apple products in general are expensive. But you often get what you pay for. The higher prices, the durability, the stability etc were many of those selling points I had that made me switch over to iOS and the Apple ecosystem in 2018. I have not regretted it since. Like I written in my last post, the obsession of getting more Apple products instead keeps getting bigger and bigger. It won’t stop sometimes until I have every last product available to me with the  logo on it, or at least it’s starting to feel like that. But what’s keeping me from buying more stuff from Apple? Well, money and the general idea that I actually (and really) already have whatever it is that I need from them. I have a pretty big collection today of Apple products and I love them and the feeling of having them.

If I could decide 100% about everything we own in this household, basically all technological stuff would be an Apple product wherever possible. The reason? Well, stability, durability and longevity. But those prices… The only thing I’d consider cheap in the Apple product line is the Apple TV. The reason for that is because our crappy collection of Android TV’s (Nvidia Shield) are really crappy and more expensive than an Apple TV. We have three of them, and one just died and we had to swop it out for a new one. Another one, has started to lag, glitch, it keeps restarting and crashing and it has always – from the beginning crashed whenever we watch a movie on it. At least 9 of 10 times that happens. It’s considered a miracle when it does not happen, or something. The third one we barely use, but the few times I’ve tried it’s been basically unusable, so I am not impressed and I’m pretty tired of bad products. I only want stuff that works, reliably, and Apple has a bigger tendency (from rumors and experience) to build stuff that lasts without issues and that’s one of the main reasons I switched from Android and Windows to the Apple ecosystem.

Then there’s the epic story of me always wanting a new phone. Or at least a phone that does what it should that I can rely on no matter what. A phone that lasts and keeps me satisfied for years. Since the Google Nexus line vanished, that’s been a true obsession, because I haven’t really had it. For the past years, that’s been hard, and my reasons for “hating” on the iPhone SE are so tiny, that it’s almost hilarious. I stand by loving my phone, but like I mentioned in the last post, it’s just to tiny in every way, but the iPhone prices are a huge deal for me as of now, and that’s the main thing keeping me from getting a new one. Also I do not want to get one on contract, even though it is “oh, so tempting” these days. But no. The reason for that is that I’ve made my financial mistakes in the past and whenever I stopped making them, I have money. Go figure?! If you don’t spend it on unnecessary shit, you have money… Who could’ve thought? If you don’t spend it on crap, you can actually pay rent. You can have food on the table and live a good life. Just don’t spend it on shit you don’t need. So I’ve stopped. Also I’ve had many phones on contract, and sooner rather than later, I’d like to get a new phone and then I’m still locked in with no way to pay it off without losing my left arm or something. Surely, it’s not that bad today. That’s why it’s sort of tempting to buy on contract because I can pay it off whenever I want. Like I wrote in my last post, I’m just extremely cautious with my money these days and I don’t like having anxiety over what I’ve spent it on. I do spend money, mostly on food, but that’s more important to me today than just getting a new phone every year or something. And now on to the actual post topic. The iPhone prices…

If you’ve hidden under a rock since this blog started, or just don’t read my stuff very well or perhaps you’re here for the first time – you might have missed that I am a Swedish person living in Sweden. My home country is a huge fan of iPhones. Almost 60% or so of all the smartphones sold here are iPhones. Still, we as many other countries such as Canada pay the so called “Apple tax” so the Apple products here are more expensive than in the U.S and some other countries that do not pay this specific tax. In the U.S, many of the Apple products in my book are considered cheap, or at least cheap enough to not break the bank. The iPhone X that came out in 2017 was priced in Sweden about $1300 with today’s money value (jan 2019). That was really expensive, but this year, it’s even worse. Now the cheapest option for getting an iPhone Xs 64 GB is priced at $1400 in the Apple store. If you’re lucky you can save about $100 at other places, but let’s go with the Apple Store prices for now. The “cheaper” iPhone Xr costs about $1070 at the Apple store, and for that phone it’s really expensive as well. These prices are ridiculous, but I personally do not blame Apple for these huge prices. I know it’s because our Swedish crown is worse against the dollar today. Adding to the U.S and those tariffs or whatever, also hikes the prices a whole lot for many countries. But it still sucks.

In a more “normal” world, the correct prices should be at least $150 less. As Swedes buying a lot of Apple products, we’re happy to pay the price for those amazing phones. If the iPhone Xs cost around $1100 that would be a whole lot better. Even $1200 with today’s money would be an ok price, even though it’s “holy-shit-that’s-expensive” price, it would be better. If the iPhone Xr actually cost what what it should, about $899, it would sell out faster than I don’t know what. It’s this year’s price hikes that have failed customers a lot. There are still many people at the Apple Store, and many are buying iPhones still, but I have yet to see an iPhone Xr on the train. All I see are mainly older iPhones or iPhone X’s from 2017. Those sold a lot!

If I should mentioned, like I said before – it is possible to save about $100 if you buy the latest phones from other stores than the Apple Store, and that’s good. The cheapest available for the Xr is just above $1000, but for me, it’s still a bit too steep for a phone of that kind. I at least thought so before I played around with it and realized that the phone is awesome, so now I’m not so sure. The real differences are minuscule, really so if you’re not as obsessive about black backgrounds as I am, you’d be stupid almost not to get the Xr and save a few in the process.

Also I do not know for how much longer I’ll be able to keep my iPhone SE, but I shall try and try and try until I go blue in the face to not buy a new one because of everything and more that I wrote about in my last post. It is driving me nuts, but I should also point out that everything in my head goes in like Speedy Gonzales speed or something, so I can make up my mind fast, and if I generally “take some time to think about it” it mostly means that I’ve made a decision in like 2 hours where many think about it for days or months. The biggest enemy I’m fighting is time, really because everything goes so slowly outside my stupid brain. I feel like I do think about stuff for a long time, but all I do after I’ve come to a conclusion is repeat myself until the problem is solved, and that’s my current situation with all Apple products, but mainly iPhones. And that can go on for years!

It’s like a current loop. I’ve come to the conclusion a while back that I want a new phone, for stupid reasons. Still, I want one. The things I’m contemplating until I’ve actually bought one are:

  • Is the iPhone Xr camera enough? It sure is in every other way…
  • Is the Xr too big? I want a bigger screen, yes, but I hesitate with the phablet aspect.
  • Will the Xs battery life be too small, even though it has all the camera features? No matter what it’s almost guaranteed to be better than the iPhone SE… Anything would be better than the SE’s battery life!
  • Can the Xr take cat selfies with Portrait Lighting using the TrueDepth camera? If so, it’s a given winner – but nothing online says so 🤔
  • How fast can I get myself a custom case made after I’ve actually bought the new device?
  • Will I hate myself if I buy a new phone too early? (probably not, I’d most likely be relieved.)
  • Will the $340 price difference (in Sweden) between the Xr and Xs matter if I really can keep my next phone for like 3 years? Probably not…

After I played around with the Xr and the Xs at the Apple Store the other day, I thought of the amazing idea that I could actually put my cat, Maja (pronounced [Mah-ya]) against an even background, put the Xr on a stand on the floor, set a timer for portrait photos and just go to town with burst mode. Hopefully that way I’ll get a couple of nice photos of her when I need too, and for rear portrait mode photos, there’s an app called Halide or something, and I’d easily get that one if possible. If this plan works, aka that the iPhone Xr actually can take selfies with pets using those portrait lighting and studio effects, my biggest problem is solved. I tried the camera in the store, photographing my hand and another phone and I’ve got some great results, and there is an easy way to get bokeh effects with a normal camera as well, just get the subject close enough and you’re done or something. Below you can se what I mean, all photos are taken with my iPhone SE.

The only thing I’d really think I’d want for those rear camera photos are portrait lightning of my cat Maja and perhaps other people in my life, because they can be so full of expressions, with that amazing background. But I don’t know if I’m being too greedy or something with the choice between the Xr and the Xs. The battery life of the Xs and the bigger price tag is what will decide it for sure, but I’m pretty sure I’d be more than satisfied with the Xr after the last post and experience at the Apple Store. I just wanna make sure that I’m 100% satisfied with the purchase of my next phone – no matter what. That way I won’t be that easily persuaded to upgrade yet again when the new iPhones come out next year etc. No, the next one must absolutely be the phone of choice. The phone to master them all. The phone that is the best of the bunch in all different ways that could easily have or get enough camera features that I would not care that much about newer models. Like I felt when I bought the latest Nexus phones. I’d love to have that feeling again. A phone I’m so extremely satisfied with that I won’t budge, even if I’m a little bit curious… I wonder. Is that the iPhone Xr, the Xs or some other phone?

I can say right now that with the rumors of the iPhone X1 getting 3 cameras on the back seems a lot like overkill, so that’s why I sort of feel like upgrading now. I am not interested in a phone with 3 cameras on the back, no matter what that extra lens could do…

I played around with the new iPhones today…

And oh, fuck – do I want a bigger phone! Seriously. It’s crazy. Don’t get me wrong. I absolutely love my iPhone SE, since it’s probably the best phone I’ve ever had, but it’s so tiny and I hate writing on it, because all words are so often misspelled. By the best I mean that’s it’s the most reliable phone I’ve had so far. I’ve written about this before, when I first got my iPhone SE, so read more in that post to know more. However, this iPhone and Apple obsession never seems to end. It just goes on and on and on. And I do not know why! Isn’t it enough now? Apparently not. I need to have more than just an iPhone, Macbook Pro, Mac Mini and an iPad with the Apple Pencil. I tried the AirPods and I’ve also bought a magic mouse. Sadly the AirPods did not work well enough for my ears, so I returned them after a few weeks. Now I use the OnePlus Wireless Bullets instead. They work fine, but I’d much rather try a pair of BeatsX bullets instead, since they have the W1 chip. That chip is great, because it means I can easily switch between the Apple products I have, but with the OP bullets, not so much. I’m seriously thinking of giving those to my BF and buy myself a pair of BeatsX instead, but we’ll see what happens. No matter what, I want (need) this Apple obsession to stop. Like seriously stop!

One photo of me taken with the iPhone Xr from an Apple Store. I love the black background effect!

Like the title of this post, I do have to tell you about my experience today, playing around for a bit with the new phones. I just had to! It was totally necessary so I could know more. I played with all of them, but mostly the Xr. All the photos in this post are from that phone, including the featured image. The reason for that was because I wanted to try taking black background selfies with all of the cameras, but when I played around with the next one, the Xs, the camera features threw me off a bit. That was because of I noticed that I couldn’t take those light studio photos of objects, only of people and because of that I forgot to take selfies with it. Later, it turned out that it was because of the environment of the store and lack of good backgrounds that was the issue, but still, I’m sad that I couldn’t take any selfies with the Xs. I wanted to know if the camera differences really are such a big deal, because I’d really like to get a cheaper phone if possible, next time I buy one. As of now, it seems even more that the Xr is more than good enough for me, but the three big differences still remain.

ModelXrXsXs Max
PriceWinnerSomewhat winsToo expensive!
SizeSomewhat winsWinnerToo big, but best for typing
Camera featuresMisses portrait lightning on rear camera and no “bokeh” effect for petsHas all the featuresHas all the features
Battery lifeAbsolute winner according to many sourcesProbably worstWinner

With the table above you can see my reasoning of all the devices. At first I have to point out that they are all too expensive, but since they have different price tags, one must be cheaper and one more expensive. In Sweden the prices are outrageous, but that’s a topic for another day. The Xs max was most likely way too big, but sure it was absolutely best for typing. It’s also too expensive, unless I’d get it from somewhere else and I can pay the same price as a normal Xs, so that’s ok. But it’s too big and the Xs Max is most likely out of the picture now. the Xr wins easily with it’s price and the size is ok. As of today as a 8 month-ish iPhone SE user, it felt a bit too big as well, but I liked it and everything about it was a whole lot better than I first anticipated. I did not notice the bigger bezels or the notch. All I cared about was the camera and typing experience. If I’d someday decide to get that one, I’m sure I’ll be more than satisfied with it. The Xs felt best to hold in the hand, but worst at typing, due to the smallest screen, but the screen size was more than enough either way. The LCD screen was also amazing on the Xr, so that would be no problem for me whatsoever.

The three biggest deals for me are price, camera features and battery life. I need a phone that lasts me through a whole day while I’m at school and preferably longer. This means I need it to have enough battery left when I get home so I don’t feel like panicking. Panic occurs when I have less than 50% and it’s before 6PM or something like that. I guess I’m lucky that way? I need the phone to withstand at least 1 hour as hotspot, 2-3 hours of wireless bluetooth listening to Spotify while on the train and be used while I surf the web and go through social media. It’s not necessarily needed for gaming, since I only use my iPad for that these days. It would also be nice if I could take many photos and a video or two without loosing too much battery. With my iPhone SE I have less than 30% often when I have days like that and I’ve been to school and I fucking hate it! And often on those days, I’ve only been away for like 5 hours and I get home at 2 PM. I do not think that’s normal behavior for a phone. Maybe for a phone with that tiny battery, but still, it’s not good. Also the typing experience on the SE sucks! Especially in Swedish, so I am doing everything I can to type on it as little as possible. In order for me to write on it properly I have to use so much energy to make sure I hit the right keys and still, it wouldn’t work that good. I really dislike it but I am still ashamed of thinking of a new phone because of many things and I shall write about those next:

I got my iPhone SE as a gift from my BF for getting a passing grade in math in june 2018. That was amazing! I’ve told myself from the start that I hope this phone will last, and it will, as long as I never leave the apartment and only browse the internet, or something like that. If I use it for anything more, especially out of the house it’s a problem within minutes of use. I hate to be bothered by it, but at the same time I can’t stop thinking about getting myself a better device. If I wasn’t attending college right now, I probably would not care that much, but since I am, and I’m finally doing something with my time, my tiny phone with its tiny screen and tiniest battery in the world is really an issue for me. It makes it hard for me to focus on other things if I’m not doing something really important, like studying, but right now, I’m on the Christmas break, so I’ve gotten more than needed time to think about getting a new phone. Even though I don’t “really” need it.

There are solutions, of course. Always bring my charger with me while on foot. Use a computer to chat whenever possible, and since I’m not an active vlogger on YouTube or that active of a blogger on WordPress, there’s really no need for a fantastic camera in my pocket, since what I have absolutely does the job. I do all of that today and I save my money and I will continue to do so as long as possible. But still, I can’t stop thinking about it and it drives me nuts! I seriously hope I can solve this or stop thinking about this without buying a new phone before it’s time to upgrade anyway. No matter what I will upgrade this year, because I can’t stand these “tiny” issues, because they are tiny. Even as a pun. Tiny as being unnecessary feelings and tiny because everything about the SE is tiny!

As long as I can continue to not buy a new phone just because “I can”, I am considering myself to be a hero or something. You have seriously no idea how much energy and will I have to use in order for me to stop these “buying” feelings… And it’s only gonna get harder after today with this new experience. If I wasn’t so greedy when it comes to money, or cheap, or just simply “I do not want to spend money if I absolutely do not have to” as a person, I’d have an 8 plus, X, Xs, Xr or any other expensive and new(ish) iPhone in my pocket already. However, in my life as of now, since living most of my days rather poorly since I left home in 2001 – I love to save money and not spend it. Like Scrooge MacDuck, without being a billionaire. As of now I’m just a “poor student”.

Spending money makes me nervous if spent on the wrong thing, because I’ve done so way too much when I was younger. I do not want to repeat those mistakes again, so I want to make sure that everything I buy these days are worth while, even though I’m not considered poor by any means any longer, because now I save instead of spend. I bought my iPad with my own money when I started school, and luckily that purchase has not caused me any anxiety whatsoever. I even think about it as a “free” device since I’ve then gotten all that money back by saving each month and I use it on a daily basis for both school, and many other things and I love it. If I perhaps can think of my next iPhone the same way, by continuing to save money and eventually getting it back (by continuing to save money), it will be a lot easier? What do you think? What would you do if you were in my shoes?

Another photo of me with a black background. This time, my face is in color.

I seriously hope 2019 will be a year of sustainable change!

It’s been way too long since I blogged here, but like you readers should know, I’ve been way too busy with school during the fall and rarely had the energy left to write about it. School has worked out like I imagined it would. I’ve gotten some friends and I’ve struggled with my fibromyalgia and I’ve gotten to re-take basically all exams so far. I hope that with some change in my routines and a better way to study that I’ll improve with everything next year. What I’d need is better lunches and breakfast to bring to school and find a way to stay in school and just study a lot more than I’ve done before. Or perhaps just study more efficiently. I have studied, a lot. I basically spend all my time available to my studies, but since I’ve struggled to prove what I’ve learned and had to taken re-exams anyway it’s been pretty hard, but still a whole lot of fun.

During the current class I’m taking we’re making a text adventure game, and that’s a lot of fun too. The only downside is that we have regularly been totally bashed by our teacher at the project meetings, but that’s more due to we’re all noobs at programming and also because of no clarity regarding what we are supposed to do. It’s all been a misunderstanding after another, but at the last meeting before Christmas, we showed him that we can do this, and during the holidays I’ve kept on going and we’re gonna have the most awesome text adventure game we possibly can when it’s time to present it in a few weeks.

I guess that’s all I have to say, really. I just hope that with better routines, better food to eat that many problems I currently struggle with will be a thing of the past soon, but in order for something to happen, I myself have to make sure it does. I guess, that’s gonna be the real struggle…

HAPPY NEW YEAR!!!

Programming terminology – and why I suck at it…

There are some important words to remember, that I have to learn. That I still haven’t learned, or I keep forgetting them. Damn fibromyalgia!🤬

Words like allocate, processor, expression, value, arguments, constructor, parse and a gazillion others. I’ve studied programming now for over a month, almost two and I’ve learned the “basics” of just programming. I know how to declare variables, arrays and lists. I also (think) I know what they are and how to use them. I don’t really know what they do and what they are for, but I’m gonna learn it eventually. Or I know it, but can’t explain it in words, just in code.

I know what the different loops are and when they are (probably) most useful, but I can’t really explain them. Yeah, same problem even there… If I were to have a discussion with classmates it seems I’m one of the experts, but some days I don’t know a thing or something… The biggest problems I currently have with learning Java and programming in general are the basics underneath the basics and how to remember how you did that thing to get that output. People have also said that you’ll only remember how to program if you keep programming. Practice makes perfect! And that’s true!

For example there is an error I’ve gotten quite often since learning about arrays, and I have no idea why. It’s called StringIndexOutOfBoundsException and I got a tip that if I get an error, I should “read up” until I’ve solved the problem. The problem with my stupid crappy brain is that the documentation to me is often gibberish for my brain so I do not understand the explanation for the problem. As a beginner programming student, that might be fine, but I realized today that I should understand this gibberish and know how to solve it, but I can’t, unless I’ve encountered it too many times and learned how to solve it (or to prevent how to make it happen in the first place) and then I’ve learned it. That doesn’t necessarily mean I know what that error was, but I made sure it didn’t happen again when I’ll run a program.

I’ve noticed that I learn the majority of programming by actually programming and making mistakes, trying to fix them. I do this often the wrong way, by asking others instead of reading the books, googling, visiting stack overflow or reading the documentation. It’s a bad habit I am trying my best to change and I’m slowly improving. Note, that there’s nothing wrong in asking for help, but sometimes I’ve done this first instead of trying to solve something myself or I “cheat” and watch the tutorial video or have a look at the teachers provided source code.

I have to clarify, that often when I peek at the source code, it’s to find ONE way to solve my problem. I often try and try again until I turn blue in the face but the more I try, the more I learn, regarding programming itself, but just not the how and the why or something. My main problem is still to “read up” on stuff and picking up the book is really hard, but I have to try. There is apparently no other way…?

How to remember all of this, all the terminology and such is a huge hassle for me. It’s mainly due to me having fibromyalgia with brain fog as my main enemy besides aching muscles and total body stiffness some days of the week. If it’s not everyday, that is. My muscles basically always ache no matter what. If I’m lucky I can have better days where I remember more and I have the energy to do more as well, but those days are very few if they occur at all. Generally I have maybe two weeks in a year, scattered over the whole year where I feel like I’m on top of the world and can do anything. Most days I’m so tired I don’t know what to do with myself and now as a college student – it fucking sucks to have these disabilities I struggle with!

I understand the basics of programming and I’ve learned a lot I think, but clearly not enough to pass the final exam in a few weeks. If I’m in class and the teacher explains something, I understand what happens, but I do not use the correct terminology for it and I keep forgetting what the words are. I still in the end will learn and understand what I’m supposed to do to solve something, but the solution for it is basically to explain something to me like I’m three years old and in very plain English sometimes. At least on those days where my brain really does not want to work and I can barely find my way home and know my own name…

One example I use is instead of saying something like: “You haven’t allocated enough memory to/for the processor to run the program or installation”, I say “Do you have enough memory?”. See the difference? I know in this situation that you need at least good enough hardware (in this case memory or RAM) in order to do something with a computer, but I can’t find the correct terms to use – so I use whatever words I can find. I still understand (somewhat depending on the fibromyalgia) what’s going on, but how do I prove it using a piece of paper during an examination? That I have no clue on how to fix…

Anyways, that’s what I have to change. I need to speak more using data terms. Otherwise I’ll never learn this properly or get a proper feel for programming, because then I won’t understand it. Not to mention I have to get better at math as well, but yeah – that’s a whole other story to tell…

I also suck at reading. I hate reading, because it’s boring and I seldom learn anything by reading books. I prefer watching stuff, trying it myself, discussing it with others and writing about it. At least when it comes to learning something new, which I basically want to do all the time if I could. I feel that I need a different approach to learning programming, and even if I pass this class, I’m guessing that my knowledge of programming will become enhanced after I’ve done some more creative stuff. I had the idea that I wanted to make a little project of my own, in order to feel creative and “satisfied” wit how I learn everything I’m doing in college right now. The solution would be in my mind to create sort of a super quiz where I use all the knowledge I have regarding programming to ask myself questions about Computer Science as well as programming. I’d make sure to have all the sections in this quiz so I’d learn everything and then I’d answer the questions myself.

This is probably a great idea but there’s a huge problem. I do not have time for it. I barely have time to get to class, “read the books”, and do all the tasks asked of me by the teachers. I spend over 30 hours per week (not included traveling) including valuable time on the weekends to make sure I’ve done all I can for the next lecture or deadline. So far I’ve made it in time, but when that’s done – I’m so pooped the only thing I can do is watch tv, eat something and then go to bed. I haven’t seen a single friend I think since the first week of college, because I don’t have the energy to spend for anything outside of school. I fucking hate it!

I love school, it feels so right but sometimes I wonder if I’ve waited too many years to do this. I did not feel this bad 10 or so years ago when I started college the first time in 2009. My health, even if it was not good, it was not as bad as it is these days. Weight gain and a lot less exercise and interesting hobbies are the result of that, and especially a very poor diet!

Anyway, even if that program was a full-time thing, I did not spend 40 hours a week studying. About 5 – 10 was enough for me in general including lectures and seminars. And it’s been like that no matter what I’ve done in a full-time program at school or work, except obligatory hours I had to spend in middle school and high school. This is the first time in my life where I’m really active, using my brain and most of all – where I actually want to learn something and become something special or “something more”. And if I can – I will do this for about three more years and then hopefully full-time at my future employer.

I felt like crying yesterday, because I thought that if I can’t do this – my only choice is to be poor, probably never able to afford a Great Dane and have lousy, non passionate jobs that a robot can do instead. Also it will mean that I’ll never be able to work more than 20 hours a week… Not that I desperately want or need to work 40 hours a week, but the pay is pretty low when you can only work part-time and only simple desk jobs that are very non-creative. If I could work 20 hours a week and earn like $3000 a month (at least before Swedish taxes), which gives me about $2300 net income, I do not need to work full-time but I doubt I’ll earn that much with so few hours. Just to clarify – that income might seem low to you, but for me it’s like three times as much as I’ve ever made, being unemployed or with a disability pension. I felt like a rich king with my first job, but I did not earn that much in total, but I do not spend money, really. I like saving up, but I’d love to earn a lot more money in the future so I can save a lot more.

Anyway, going back to what happened yesterday, about what I realized. That made me so sad and angry. Not to mention frustrated. I have like 2 weeks or so to study like crazy for the exams. I feel pretty sure at the CS class, but I have to study a whole lot more for the programming class, but as long as I at least can learn the terminology I’m probably gonna pass the class. Since I am a student with a disability I can get help from the college, but I haven’t contacted anybody yet, because I’d like to try first myself. I feel like if I could do some extra credit stuff, I’d could probably earn myself a passing grade, but we’ll see if that’s even gonna be necessary.

I love what I’m doing. I couldn’t want anything else, but knowledge really and some better routines for learning. But it’s fun, challenging and if I make it – the possibilities are endless!

MeWe, Google+ and chatty creeps…

To many of you within technology as well as various social media platforms, you might have heard the news that Google+ is gonna shut down in august 2019. For me it’s been something I’ve waited for a long time because for me, the platform has turned into a “boring” and pointless platform for me to be on. It was a lot of fun, with tons of interactions and new online friendships and that lasted from 2011 until like 2014 or so. After Vic Gundotra decided to leave Google, something happened and people on G+ noticed the change immediately. It was no fun anymore for many of us. Some still has fun and are so sad to see it go, but for me it will probably be a relief.

For the past years I’ve basically used Google+ as a link forum or something. I only use it to send my blog posts. A good thing, right? Well – it would be if I could get any decent numbers of readers and interactions from my posts over there, but no. About 0.1% maybe of my posts gets comments and/or gets read, but I’m not gonna complain about that. I am not perfect. I’ve basically stopped interacting myself, but that’s mainly because I feel I do not get the return I deserve.

There’s basicaly a hidden rule on any social media platform, and that’s you have to make some noice and be active with comments, likes etc to get some attention yourself. It’s a give and take game. Of course, this might not be true for everybody, but it’s a common theme. In the beginning this was true for G+, but not any longer, but I’v also stopped keeping tabs on who’s who so I couldn’t really say. All I know is that comments are super rare, even plusses and I should be the happiest person alive if I can get 1 person to read a blog post of mine from that platform. Most of my readers come from Facebook or Twitter. I’ve mentioned before that this blog is especially dead whenever I do not post here. It’s so weird! I don’t get it?! What have I done wrong? My Swedish blog is found on Google daily with many searching for stuff I’ve written about, but this one – nobody sees it unless they follow me on Twitter, Facebook or withing WordPress.com itself. I have gained almost 20 followers here, which is awesome, but many of you do not read my posts either, but I don’t care. I have to write. If you read it, that’s great. If you learned something, that’s even better and if you comment – you’ve probably made my day.

Anywhoo… I did not plan for this post to be a lengthy boring one about interactions and comments, but I wanted to tell you like it is. As of now, since I’m a college student I’m considering myself lucky to have the time at all to write a blog post, so this is great either way. This post is gonna be a lot more, hopefully about a new social media platform that I’ve fled to recently. It’s called MeWe, and so far it’s been pretty great, even though it’s not perfect yet.

I’ve been on MeWe for like a week now. I went to Diaspora first, but since they lack a mobile app for iOS, it’s nothing I’ve used frequently since the news about G+ came out. It’s not like I need a new platform to be on, but after I found MeWe, I was pretty sold on their concept and it reminds me a lot of Google+ in the earlier days.

However, MeWe does have a giant drawback that I almost noticed way too late. Not to be rude, but I’m a bit disappointed if you read this and you’ve chatted with me on MeWe, but I gotta write about this.

I thought, since I’d be “switching” to MeWe instead of G+ that I’d continue with the principle I had from the start over there. That was a principle that I’d add everybody who wanted to add me and that way I got to know more people. On G+, there was Hangouts, group video calls that were a great opportunity to get to know people from all over the world. MeWe does have that too, but things have changed since those early days on G+. Now I’m not interested in video chatting or having calls with total strangers. The funny thing is that since I joined MeWe, about 7 people or so added me there that I’ve chatted with. Three of them were men, in perhaps their 60’s, working in the U.S military and wanted to find Swedish “girls” to chat with and somehow they found me. The first guy I talked to was nice and that went pretty great. Then, like a day after another person, stationed in the same country as him started chatting with me. He wanted to be “best friends” or something after fifteen minutes of chat. I said “Sure”, but I changed my mind pretty fast afterwards. That was due to all the other people I accepted as contacts that started chats with me. If they kept writing to me, it was all the same questions. Something like this:

Hi, my name is bla bla, I am single, US military in my 60’s looking for Swedish people. Who are you? Where are you from? How old are you? Can I be your best friend? Can I add you on “insert-other-chat-message-service-here”?Can I get your email? Can I get to know you better? Etc…

Ok, not all of them were older men, but the questions were basically the same. One of the guys actually called me up after I specifically told them NO to all kinds of other interactions besides just chatting (in writing, that is) on MeWe. That pissed me off, and I made the decision to stop this thing and then I wrote a post on my timeline at MeWe. I asked people to comment if they have chatted with me, telling me why they wanted to do so. NOBODY ANSWERED! So I deleted them as contacts and I deleted the chats as well.

It was pretty obvious that they did not really care about me, and probably only wanted and hoped I’d be single and become their next girlfriend or hump-toy or something. Nobody read my profile, where basically all they asked was printed already, nobody liked a post, read my blog etc. I have no need whatsoever to keep in touch with people like that. I prefer focusing on my own life, as a college student and everything else that’s important to me. Total strangers on MeWe who wants somebody as lonely as them to talk to better find somebody else than me for that. I don’t have time for that! Not now, and not ever!

Now I shall continue with my studies. I’m programming all day long and now we’re learning about Arrays. That’s a lot of fun!

I’ve been a Computer Science student for over a month now…

…and I love it. The classmates are wonderful, the classes are fun and inspiring and the teachers are engaged and awesome. Or something…

I am not gonna say that it’s been easy. It’s a real roller coaster. One lecture could be really great and I understand basically everything. Then another one could be so hard that my brain stops working and I sit there wondering wtf just happened. Luckily, both the teachers and classmates are there to help and that’s great. I’m basically friends with all of them, and that’s totally awesome!

The first weeks were pretty easy with basically no homework or very little to do. Even though it’s was a bit of a slow start I was so tired that I didn’t what to do with myself. Also I have no idea on how I’m supposed to study. I still really don’t know this. I know the basics of course. Go to all the possible classes, do all the homework and/or assignments, read the books and pass the tests. However the only thing that I’m unsure of is how to read the books. Also after going to a bunch of classes it seems a bit redundant to read the books, because the teacher explains everything in detail anyway. And I rarely learn anything from reading books…

I’m so not into reading books. Not even factual based books. When I studied last time at college, I read maybe 5-10% of the books but I made it anyway. That’s because we did not have a classic examination. All we did was write essays and reports. I would not have made it otherwise…

So far, we’ve been learning about algorithms, pseudo code, flow charts and basic programming. In the programming course, we’ve gone through, variables, classes, methods, parameters, arguments, loops, bot while and for loops and many other things I forgot to mention. We’re focusing on Java, if I didn’t mention it before and we’re using IntelliJ for development. Learning programming for real has been a lot of fun, but frustrating and I’ve come to the conclusion that the easiest solution is most often the right and best one. Personally, with my mental blockages constantly being in the way and my aching body hating to commute, it feels like this whole thing is gonna figure itself out by itself. Once I start to remember what everything is and how it’s and should be used, it is gonna become a lot easier. I learn a lot from my classmates, by going to class and I think I’ve learned the most from making mistakes.

The funny thing is that this is probably the first time in my adult life that I realize how different I truly am in regards to other people. I’m different in both good and bad ways. The bad way is kinda obvious. It’s the fibromyalgia that is making everything tougher then it is for most people. Personality wise I’m thrilled that I’m myself and that it’s ok to be who I am, a nerdy “girl” who likes to be around boys or something. Not to be around boys in the traditional sense, more like being around the guys in a friendly way. Who cares? I love the fact that I’m not surrounded by annoying women talking crap about men. The other three ladies in class seems to be as interested in programming as I am, and that’s also great! One of them seems to be a mastermind in math as well. I’d probably talk to her a lot when I have problems with that.

My fibromyalgia is making school hard in the ways that my body is aching constantly. My back and shoulders are more tense than ever. My neck hurts from watching the teacher, no matter where I sit in the classroom. In this school it seems that we’re not using classic college classrooms, like old movie theaters or something, but regular classrooms like in high schools. That hurts my neck a lot. I’m tired all day, especially before and after class on the train ride to or from school, and I’ve been like a zombie at home, trying to do my best to study anyways. During the weekends I’ve actually done a lot, but it seems like all the notes and reading I’ve done won’t help me until I can discuss all of it with classmates and the teachers. I’ve actually done most of my studying during the weekends, because I got nothing better to with my time.

One huge aspect of fibromyalgia is so called “Brain fog”. I haven’t really experienced that for a very long time now before college started. It been months, but now when I’m learning a lot of new stuff, it’s so hard trying to find the words that I feel like an idiot most of the time during class. I bet my classmates notice it too, but I’m honest and say that it’s brain fog, or due to my stupid illnesses that make my life hell 99% of the time. I do sense that it has been easier since I started school, but even then it’s a rollercoaster. I just hope that I can get through this and pass the tests. I’m really nervous about the tests 😬

Just so you know, I’m so sorry that I haven’t blogged until now. I actually started this post just a few days after college started, but it wasn’t until now that I actually had time to post it. I have so much more to tell you, but as long as I am this tired, everything besides eating, studying and sleeping is considered a huge bonus of mine, and blogging right now has to be at the lower end of my list of things to do. I hope you’ve missed me, and that you keep continue to visit this blog even when I’m not blogging. The blog is otherwise completely dead with basically no visitors and nobody seems to use Google either to search for the stuff I’ve written about and that’s been going on for like a year. I find that so weird, but I don’t have time to figure out why that is.

Either way, I’m happy as a college student and I’m looking forward to getting a degree in Computer Science!

A new masterpiece is in the works…

But why do I feel like a total idiot when I’m almost finished with it? For those who have no idea on what I’m talking about, I’m referring to the YouTube video I’ve worked on for like a month, perhaps more. It’s probably two months when you think of the first draft of it. Then after I made that one, Jon Prosser of Front Page Tech and Creative Mindset Podcast made me change my mind and do something better. Now I believe I have, and yesterday evening I let my boyfriend watch it. I wanted him to see it in case he was not satisfied with some details, but he had nothing to add. I had almost counted on him hating the video, since it’s about me being a borderline (or maybe totally obsessed) Apple Sheep. And we all know how much he really dislikes Apple as a company and some of their products, even though he uses some of them himself for work.

I was surprised that he had nothing to say about it. Just because I felt guilty or something and was more prepared to change the whole video, we still had a tiny discussion afterwards, because I probably needed it. The thing is – and probably always has been with me and Apple products the past year, is that it was at the beginning an escape route for my mind in despite of everything. When I got my iPhone as a gift for passing math, I finally felt that I could accept my little obsession and move on, but I only sunk in deeper into the Apple World… We have been able to freely discuss and talk about Apple since then (or since I started using the Mac mini as my desktop) and it has been nice. When the Apple obsession took another step, it was with the MacBook Pro that I got as a gift for getting into college and I was so surprised and happy I did not know what to do with myself. I love this computer. Touch ID is great! And the typing etc… Love it!

The problem is that, even though I have felt on and off that the Apple obsession is starting to decline, it has yet again kicked into gear. The main reason for that is still because of my stupid, silly brain and me being bored of my mind since school hasn’t started yet. It’s less then a week to go now and I can’t wait! I feel that I have a confession to make, but no – it’s more like a declaration or a disclaimer. At least for myself. The video I’ve been working on has been a tiny way for me to focus on something else, but time shall tell if my efforts were good enough for some success at least… Some success means like over 100 true views and a comment or two, I guess but I am not counting on anything! The video is not the confession, though. Read on…

My boyfriend told me yesterday that somehow I have to stop with the Apple products, and I am well aware of that. I will not buy any other Apple products if I know I don’t need them. To be clear, I’ve gotten every Apple product I use either as a gift from him or as a “borrowed” item since we already had some of them in our household. Even still, I can’t stop my silly mind of stalking the Apple Store app and check the prices and specs of iPads, AirPods, the Apple Watch etc… But still, I won’t buy any until I know I will need them. I haven’t so far and I will not do it, no matter how much my brain wants to grab the first opportunity to expand the Apple library. It’s more important to save my money and I know that. Having money is more important than having more Apple products!

Apple products, Tailosive Tech and all other YouTube channels talking about Apple are and will probably continue to be an escape route for my brain whenever I’m to tired or bored to do anything else. Still, I am hoping that college will be the event that changes everything.

This is my confession; I really want and will do my absolute best to study until I can’t stand it anymore. I want and need the computer science bachelor degree I’ll be getting to become my new escape route. To become my new obsession. It has to be that way. Why? Because I have been so bored out of my mind for so long now that I am starting to hate, dislike and get disgusted by my current lifestyle.

My current way of life is basically never leaving the apartment, spending 10+ hours a day watching pointless YouTube videos or movies I’ve seen a thousand times already or “bad” tv-shows. Also it involves eating crappy breakfasts and bad lunches and more crap for dinner, so the weight is not going anywhere. Not to mention that my IBS is not getting better either…

I am alone all day, with my cat as a companion and my BF is at work basically all day. I’m not complaining about that, really. I have no problem being alone, really. I just dislike that I have nothing important to do these days. Even the last year of work was not enough and I had to cut down my hours at the beginning of 2018 due to them not having enough stuff for me to do. That sucked, but I did feel that it was soon time for me to leave that place anyway. Since I lost my job, finished math I have been so bored that I hate myself a little bit. To be honest. Yes. I sort of hate myself and my current way of life. Me. The person who loves doing nothing special and sit and watch TV all day. I guess after 35+ years I’ve finally had enough of that…

I must do more with my life. Earn more money (or at least have a reliable higher income forever) so I can at least have a Great Dane to keep me company. I’d be devastated if I would fail college now, if it turns out to be to complicated for me etc. I need to fill that hole in my head! For those who do not know, I have all my life also felt that I have a hole, a physical hole in my brain that is just empty. Why is it empty? Because it is not filled with knowledge. It is like an area that is just lost, or totally unknown. Also my earlier bachelor’s degree I got in pedagogy just seemed like paying $30 000 in student loans to get stuff I already know on paper. I learned most of my “skills” from that by getting to know classmates and having the current BF by my side, teaching me new perspectives on life.

I think that feeling is why I have led such a simple life, because I don’t know what else I’m supposed to do. I’m so happy with so little. All I need is a TV and a computer with good internet access and I’m good, or something… Every time I wanted to fill that hole, some other crap comes in my way.

If it isn’t peer pressure (for not fitting in and being like every other girl out there) it’s stupid math (that I finally passed after the third attempt after like 10+ years of on and off studies) or some other garbage like my fibromyalgia. Or just life in general. Or as usual – my stupid silly brain that thinks everything but Apple or watching tv is too boring so I am unable to focus on anything useful. Like read a book and preferring that. It sounds like it’s all about excuses, but no. It has always been like that and I guess I’ve always in that sense been to “weak” or something to finally do something. To be clear, I’ve loved living my life like this, doing nothing and not having enough money and just sitting there, dreaming my life away instead of just getting up and do something. And books are boring!

It’s not until now that I have actually started to do something about this, because I have had enough of this crap! I don’t think I was born just to sit and watch TV all day and obsess about domains, Apple products or views/readers/subscribers? Do you? What a waste if that truly is my destiny…

This also reminds me… Not to sound evil, just a fact. The BF told me years ago and he has told me several times that I don’t have a true passion for something. I don’t have a passion for making it on YouTube, as a blogger or anything else. Not even learning code or trying to at least. I just prefer doing something else and I expect imminent success by doing barely enough. Or maybe nothing. I just sit there and dream, instead of making it myself from scratch.

When he told me that all those years ago, I was a bit butt hurt, but now? Now I get it. And it’s true. I did not have a true passion for anything. I believed that doing just “enough” will be enough. Then when I’m done, I’ll go watch TV. I’m like an obnoxious child in that sense. I have always been like that. I’m always bored with anything that’s not watching TV or doing as little as possible. The exception might be when I’m around people I like, but otherwise I’m like “are we there yet?!” and I can’t wait until I can watch TV, play on my phone or sit by the computer and obsess about my useless shit.

It’s hilarious when I think about it now. Who could have known that I’d get to this point? And why the fudge did it take so long? If I played my cards right, I could have gone to a different high school program, passed all the classes needed and have a bachelor’s degree in computer science 10 years ago or perhaps even 15 years ago. My life could have been so different, but due to my life being a really weird and lazy one to live, this is what I have to make due with. I’m kicking myself so hard these days for my stupid mistakes I’ve made in the past…

If I don’t know how to solve a certain thing, and I don’t even know what Google is telling me, how am I supposed to go on? I haven’t, but those days are hopefully over – forever. Now it is time for everything, and I do mean everything to change. I’m done copying and pasting…

It’s time for me to stop obsessing about pointless crap and start to focus on stuff that’s useful – in every aspect of my life. It is time to lose the weight and have a more colourful life. Or something like that. It’s finally time to shine. Become somebody better. A person who knows what to do and does not get frustrated or angry at nothing. I guess my frustration and so many other things in my life is due to that “empty hole in head” feeling. And now I’m gonna fill it. With programming. With Java. With new experiences. Shop Talk or whatever. Learn something useful and actually using that to my advantage because then I know what the fudge I’m doing. Everything now, at least technical stuff has been a guessing game, a copy-paste game or just not useful enough that I can do more.

It seems I’m complaining about nothing, but if you knew what it felt to be me, things would be different. The thing is that I probably also haven’t realised that time actually has gone by. It’s not like I feel any older since I left home in 2001. I just have a lot of crappy memories and lots of time being spent doing nothing. Still, I can’t lie and say that it has been crap. The things that have been truly shitty for me has mostly to do with not having enough money or having really shitty boyfriends (stealing all my money), but life with the current BF of 10 years soon has been lovely. Even though I haven’t really had money, not a Great Dane, moved a lot and only had one single real job in my life, these past 10 years have been the best ones yet. Even though they have meant becoming a little bit fat.

It’s like:

Saying to people that I feel and/or is fat is unthinkable apparently so I can’t use those words without stepping on some toes. The word “fat” can only be used by doctors or obese people. Not by people that really have to lose like 40 lbs (or lose like 12″ around the waist) in order to not get diabetes or a heart attack before they turn 40. People like me. Yeah, that would be rude! But all that crap is news for another day.

I have been happy and in many ways I still am, regardless of weight or anything else. I’m just sick and tired of some things that I want to change.

I really hope that it’s time for that change now. I really, fricking do!

So relieved, yet so bored…

I just had an amazing experience during a livestream from one of my current favourites on YouTube, Tailosive Tech. Otherwise known as Drew. With amazing, I might be overstating it a bit, but it was pretty cool. I finally was able to get some bits so I could donate a little and ensure that my comment or question is read and answered by him. It took a while before I could come up with a good one, but then somebody asked about stalkers so I figured I’d let him know a little bit of how I’m feeling in this whole thing.

With Drew and the whole Tailosive/Apple shebang I have felt that I’m his only loyal fan or something, even though I know I’m not the only one. I’m like (whenever I try to get in contact during a livestream or on Twitter):

“hey, it’s me from Sweden. Do you remember me? Do you know who I am? Of course not…”

Or something like that. Not really, though but it sure feels like that’s how I act way too often with him. I feel really stupid sometimes, but my stupid brain and I have started to figure out that as long as I’m respectful to him, everything should be fine. And I do my very best to make sure I don’t do anything stupid… That’s why I’m so happy that I got the answer I needed today so I can move on and focus on better things.

To be clear. I am not a stalker. I am not stalking him. And that makes me feel so relieved. If I’d ever be close to do something like that I don’t know what I would do with myself. He’s such an inspiration, but if I go back and think how the last year has been for me and how much he and his talk about Apple and other things have helped me, I have sometimes felt like a stalker. Or something like that, but I am sure that is not true and never has been.

I am pretty sure, however that he doesn’t believe how much he has helped me the past year. I mean, how could he know? Seeing him speak reminds me of what I can and want to become, especially online. I could be that great at having an opinion, because I am like that in person. Just not in front of a camera, and especially not with a manuscript. I have tried making videos without a script, but then it by default becomes even more boring and I don’t like that. The difference would be if I could have a podcast with invited quests or be a guest myself so I can show my true personality. It’s during those discussions I truly shine – at least as long as I can get my message through without stepping on people’s toes and not getting them upset.

As a blogger, showing my true self is easy, but on video? That’s a real struggle…

I am currently working on a YouTube video that I hope will be released before I start college in a few weeks. It has taken me weeks to do this video, but the reason for that is due to many things. Mainly because what Jon Prosser has started  to say in order to help smaller creators become better on YouTube.

It has made me evaluate everything I have done and what I’m about to do as a hopeful content creator. I don’t know and I certainly don’t expect to succeed, but with Jon’s help, I’m at least starting to improve, but if it will gather views – I am really not sure. I am doing this particular video as a pure experiment.

It’s an experiment in two ways. One – to see if I do better with this one. Two – if preparing every single detail possible, until perfection will make me a better content creator. With perfection I mean, as far as I can go with my manuscripts and an iPhone SE to record it all with. Not to mention my “schizophrenic” personality that always seems to occur these days when I put myself in front of a camera. I am more natural at speaking in person as I am in front of a camera now, and I hate it. I wish I could be as natural there as I am in real life, but more experience will most likely help with that.

Anyway, with the video I am making now, which is basically all about me being a borderline Apple sheep, I have to mention Drew in the video. I asked him today if that was ok, and it was! That made me so relieved and happy. Also inspired, and I could really use some of that now… Hopefully I’ll record the rest of the footage tomorrow and the edit will be finished before the week is over.

Now, to talk about the “being bored” part. In less then two weeks, I’m off to college. I can’t wait! I’ll go deep into Java programming during the school years and I hope that I’ll master every class and don’t find it too hard to learn. It would really make me sad if it turns out that I’m not made out to be a developer. Until college starts, I’m climbing the walls here because I am so bored. I just wanna start learning how to code!

The best part of my day is usually during the mornings, after my BF has gone off to work, because then I usually have at least an hour of awesome YouTube videos to watch. Those normally include Drew and Jon, but also many other Tech YouTubers who talk Apple products and other interesting stuff. When those videos are done being watched, I basically roll my thumbs all day long, surfing the web, trying to find more Youtube videos to watch, and I mostly succeed, but lately even that’s a struggle. I consider it a miracle that I can manage to spend my days and that the hours actually go by.

Today I was also thrilled that Drew went online with his daily Tech stream two hours or so earlier than usual. When the BF’s home it’s a bit easier as well for a while. As long as we eat dinner and watch a movie or a good show – everything is fine, then when that’s over it all starts again and I am bored out of my mind trying to find whatever I can do to. I really want school to start so I can focus on programming at least! I have to do something more or I’ll go nuts soon! If I haven’t already that is…

Only time will tell…

My mind is blown yet again…

The other day I wrote about me getting into college again and the changes that I hope will come with all of that. I also wrote that I could not afford getting a MacBook for school and that Windows is no longer that great. Well… It seems my worries are over.

The other day, an hour or so before my boyfriend was about to come home, he wrote to me saying he’ll most likely be late. That was fine with me, since the trains usually have troubles with just about everything these days. To my surprise, he actually came home a lot sooner than I thought. I sat by my computer, playing around with lots of stuff and before he came in through the door he told me to close my eyes and keep them close. I was so excited and I hoped it was a MacBook that was the surprise. I was right. My mind is blown away yet again. Talk about having an awesome boyfriend!

The thing is, that he ordered the MacBook when I got accepted into college. It’s the 2018 MacBook Pro 13″. It does come with some strings attached. It will be mainly my computer, but he will also have an account. We also installed windows 10 on it, because why not? Also, I’ll probably not receive any gifts for a really long time and that’s fine with me. This year has been full of surprises and I’m expecting to get a better financial situation the upcoming years than I’d originally plan so that means I can probably save more and spend more if I want to. I guess the only greedy question in my Apple journey so far is if I’ll buy an iPad with an Apple pencil or if I can manage without it. I’d like to go paperless for school for many reasons, but our iPad mini 2 works fine as is, even though I’d really like to have at least touch-ID for it. I guess we’ll see what happens when school starts. I probably won’t be needing a new iPad until I have a math class, which is not until march 2019 or something.

Also, I must add that I’m a huge fan of the trackpad. It took a few hours to get used to, but now it’s like I want it on my desktop as well. My mouse for my desktop is a logitech mouse with a trackball. It’s called the Trackman Marble and I love using it. Now, however since using the trackpad, I don’t really what to feel. It has so many advantages, but so does the original Trackman. It’s overall the absolute best touchpad I’ve used! The typing experience is also really nice. I thought I’d get pain in my fingers from writing on it, but no. Everything is fine. I do miss a numerical, though but I guess you can’t have it all. Not even the 15″ has a numerical…

Well, it seems my Apple collection is just growing bigger all the time and I love it. I’m curious to see what product will be next and how well the computer will work for school.

Do you have a MacBook Pro 13″? Let me know how much you like it by leaving a comment below. Thanks!