Programming terminology – and why I suck at it…

There are some important words to remember, that I have to learn. That I still haven’t learned, or I keep forgetting them. Damn fibromyalgia!🤬

Words like allocate, processor, expression, value, arguments, constructor, parse and a gazillion others. I’ve studied programming now for over a month, almost two and I’ve learned the “basics” of just programming. I know how to declare variables, arrays and lists. I also (think) I know what they are and how to use them. I don’t really know what they do and what they are for, but I’m gonna learn it eventually. Or I know it, but can’t explain it in words, just in code.

I know what the different loops are and when they are (probably) most useful, but I can’t really explain them. Yeah, same problem even there… If I were to have a discussion with classmates it seems I’m one of the experts, but some days I don’t know a thing or something… The biggest problems I currently have with learning Java and programming in general are the basics underneath the basics and how to remember how you did that thing to get that output. People have also said that you’ll only remember how to program if you keep programming. Practice makes perfect! And that’s true!

For example there is an error I’ve gotten quite often since learning about arrays, and I have no idea why. It’s called StringIndexOutOfBoundsException and I got a tip that if I get an error, I should “read up” until I’ve solved the problem. The problem with my stupid crappy brain is that the documentation to me is often gibberish for my brain so I do not understand the explanation for the problem. As a beginner programming student, that might be fine, but I realized today that I should understand this gibberish and know how to solve it, but I can’t, unless I’ve encountered it too many times and learned how to solve it (or to prevent how to make it happen in the first place) and then I’ve learned it. That doesn’t necessarily mean I know what that error was, but I made sure it didn’t happen again when I’ll run a program.

I’ve noticed that I learn the majority of programming by actually programming and making mistakes, trying to fix them. I do this often the wrong way, by asking others instead of reading the books, googling, visiting stack overflow or reading the documentation. It’s a bad habit I am trying my best to change and I’m slowly improving. Note, that there’s nothing wrong in asking for help, but sometimes I’ve done this first instead of trying to solve something myself or I “cheat” and watch the tutorial video or have a look at the teachers provided source code.

I have to clarify, that often when I peek at the source code, it’s to find ONE way to solve my problem. I often try and try again until I turn blue in the face but the more I try, the more I learn, regarding programming itself, but just not the how and the why or something. My main problem is still to “read up” on stuff and picking up the book is really hard, but I have to try. There is apparently no other way…?

How to remember all of this, all the terminology and such is a huge hassle for me. It’s mainly due to me having fibromyalgia with brain fog as my main enemy besides aching muscles and total body stiffness some days of the week. If it’s not everyday, that is. My muscles basically always ache no matter what. If I’m lucky I can have better days where I remember more and I have the energy to do more as well, but those days are very few if they occur at all. Generally I have maybe two weeks in a year, scattered over the whole year where I feel like I’m on top of the world and can do anything. Most days I’m so tired I don’t know what to do with myself and now as a college student – it fucking sucks to have these disabilities I struggle with!

I understand the basics of programming and I’ve learned a lot I think, but clearly not enough to pass the final exam in a few weeks. If I’m in class and the teacher explains something, I understand what happens, but I do not use the correct terminology for it and I keep forgetting what the words are. I still in the end will learn and understand what I’m supposed to do to solve something, but the solution for it is basically to explain something to me like I’m three years old and in very plain English sometimes. At least on those days where my brain really does not want to work and I can barely find my way home and know my own name…

One example I use is instead of saying something like: “You haven’t allocated enough memory to/for the processor to run the program or installation”, I say “Do you have enough memory?”. See the difference? I know in this situation that you need at least good enough hardware (in this case memory or RAM) in order to do something with a computer, but I can’t find the correct terms to use – so I use whatever words I can find. I still understand (somewhat depending on the fibromyalgia) what’s going on, but how do I prove it using a piece of paper during an examination? That I have no clue on how to fix…

Anyways, that’s what I have to change. I need to speak more using data terms. Otherwise I’ll never learn this properly or get a proper feel for programming, because then I won’t understand it. Not to mention I have to get better at math as well, but yeah – that’s a whole other story to tell…

I also suck at reading. I hate reading, because it’s boring and I seldom learn anything by reading books. I prefer watching stuff, trying it myself, discussing it with others and writing about it. At least when it comes to learning something new, which I basically want to do all the time if I could. I feel that I need a different approach to learning programming, and even if I pass this class, I’m guessing that my knowledge of programming will become enhanced after I’ve done some more creative stuff. I had the idea that I wanted to make a little project of my own, in order to feel creative and “satisfied” wit how I learn everything I’m doing in college right now. The solution would be in my mind to create sort of a super quiz where I use all the knowledge I have regarding programming to ask myself questions about Computer Science as well as programming. I’d make sure to have all the sections in this quiz so I’d learn everything and then I’d answer the questions myself.

This is probably a great idea but there’s a huge problem. I do not have time for it. I barely have time to get to class, “read the books”, and do all the tasks asked of me by the teachers. I spend over 30 hours per week (not included traveling) including valuable time on the weekends to make sure I’ve done all I can for the next lecture or deadline. So far I’ve made it in time, but when that’s done – I’m so pooped the only thing I can do is watch tv, eat something and then go to bed. I haven’t seen a single friend I think since the first week of college, because I don’t have the energy to spend for anything outside of school. I fucking hate it!

I love school, it feels so right but sometimes I wonder if I’ve waited too many years to do this. I did not feel this bad 10 or so years ago when I started college the first time in 2009. My health, even if it was not good, it was not as bad as it is these days. Weight gain and a lot less exercise and interesting hobbies are the result of that, and especially a very poor diet!

Anyway, even if that program was a full-time thing, I did not spend 40 hours a week studying. About 5 – 10 was enough for me in general including lectures and seminars. And it’s been like that no matter what I’ve done in a full-time program at school or work, except obligatory hours I had to spend in middle school and high school. This is the first time in my life where I’m really active, using my brain and most of all – where I actually want to learn something and become something special or “something more”. And if I can – I will do this for about three more years and then hopefully full-time at my future employer.

I felt like crying yesterday, because I thought that if I can’t do this – my only choice is to be poor, probably never able to afford a Great Dane and have lousy, non passionate jobs that a robot can do instead. Also it will mean that I’ll never be able to work more than 20 hours a week… Not that I desperately want or need to work 40 hours a week, but the pay is pretty low when you can only work part-time and only simple desk jobs that are very non-creative. If I could work 20 hours a week and earn like $3000 a month (at least before Swedish taxes), which gives me about $2300 net income, I do not need to work full-time but I doubt I’ll earn that much with so few hours. Just to clarify – that income might seem low to you, but for me it’s like three times as much as I’ve ever made, being unemployed or with a disability pension. I felt like a rich king with my first job, but I did not earn that much in total, but I do not spend money, really. I like saving up, but I’d love to earn a lot more money in the future so I can save a lot more.

Anyway, going back to what happened yesterday, about what I realized. That made me so sad and angry. Not to mention frustrated. I have like 2 weeks or so to study like crazy for the exams. I feel pretty sure at the CS class, but I have to study a whole lot more for the programming class, but as long as I at least can learn the terminology I’m probably gonna pass the class. Since I am a student with a disability I can get help from the college, but I haven’t contacted anybody yet, because I’d like to try first myself. I feel like if I could do some extra credit stuff, I’d could probably earn myself a passing grade, but we’ll see if that’s even gonna be necessary.

I love what I’m doing. I couldn’t want anything else, but knowledge really and some better routines for learning. But it’s fun, challenging and if I make it – the possibilities are endless!

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MeWe, Google+ and chatty creeps…

To many of you within technology as well as various social media platforms, you might have heard the news that Google+ is gonna shut down in august 2019. For me it’s been something I’ve waited for a long time because for me, the platform has turned into a “boring” and pointless platform for me to be on. It was a lot of fun, with tons of interactions and new online friendships and that lasted from 2011 until like 2014 or so. After Vic Gundotra decided to leave Google, something happened and people on G+ noticed the change immediately. It was no fun anymore for many of us. Some still has fun and are so sad to see it go, but for me it will probably be a relief.

For the past years I’ve basically used Google+ as a link forum or something. I only use it to send my blog posts. A good thing, right? Well – it would be if I could get any decent numbers of readers and interactions from my posts over there, but no. About 0.1% maybe of my posts gets comments and/or gets read, but I’m not gonna complain about that. I am not perfect. I’ve basically stopped interacting myself, but that’s mainly because I feel I do not get the return I deserve.

There’s basicaly a hidden rule on any social media platform, and that’s you have to make some noice and be active with comments, likes etc to get some attention yourself. It’s a give and take game. Of course, this might not be true for everybody, but it’s a common theme. In the beginning this was true for G+, but not any longer, but I’v also stopped keeping tabs on who’s who so I couldn’t really say. All I know is that comments are super rare, even plusses and I should be the happiest person alive if I can get 1 person to read a blog post of mine from that platform. Most of my readers come from Facebook or Twitter. I’ve mentioned before that this blog is especially dead whenever I do not post here. It’s so weird! I don’t get it?! What have I done wrong? My Swedish blog is found on Google daily with many searching for stuff I’ve written about, but this one – nobody sees it unless they follow me on Twitter, Facebook or withing WordPress.com itself. I have gained almost 20 followers here, which is awesome, but many of you do not read my posts either, but I don’t care. I have to write. If you read it, that’s great. If you learned something, that’s even better and if you comment – you’ve probably made my day.

Anywhoo… I did not plan for this post to be a lengthy boring one about interactions and comments, but I wanted to tell you like it is. As of now, since I’m a college student I’m considering myself lucky to have the time at all to write a blog post, so this is great either way. This post is gonna be a lot more, hopefully about a new social media platform that I’ve fled to recently. It’s called MeWe, and so far it’s been pretty great, even though it’s not perfect yet.

I’ve been on MeWe for like a week now. I went to Diaspora first, but since they lack a mobile app for iOS, it’s nothing I’ve used frequently since the news about G+ came out. It’s not like I need a new platform to be on, but after I found MeWe, I was pretty sold on their concept and it reminds me a lot of Google+ in the earlier days.

However, MeWe does have a giant drawback that I almost noticed way too late. Not to be rude, but I’m a bit disappointed if you read this and you’ve chatted with me on MeWe, but I gotta write about this.

I thought, since I’d be “switching” to MeWe instead of G+ that I’d continue with the principle I had from the start over there. That was a principle that I’d add everybody who wanted to add me and that way I got to know more people. On G+, there was Hangouts, group video calls that were a great opportunity to get to know people from all over the world. MeWe does have that too, but things have changed since those early days on G+. Now I’m not interested in video chatting or having calls with total strangers. The funny thing is that since I joined MeWe, about 7 people or so added me there that I’ve chatted with. Three of them were men, in perhaps their 60’s, working in the U.S military and wanted to find Swedish “girls” to chat with and somehow they found me. The first guy I talked to was nice and that went pretty great. Then, like a day after another person, stationed in the same country as him started chatting with me. He wanted to be “best friends” or something after fifteen minutes of chat. I said “Sure”, but I changed my mind pretty fast afterwards. That was due to all the other people I accepted as contacts that started chats with me. If they kept writing to me, it was all the same questions. Something like this:

Hi, my name is bla bla, I am single, US military in my 60’s looking for Swedish people. Who are you? Where are you from? How old are you? Can I be your best friend? Can I add you on “insert-other-chat-message-service-here”?Can I get your email? Can I get to know you better? Etc…

Ok, not all of them were older men, but the questions were basically the same. One of the guys actually called me up after I specifically told them NO to all kinds of other interactions besides just chatting (in writing, that is) on MeWe. That pissed me off, and I made the decision to stop this thing and then I wrote a post on my timeline at MeWe. I asked people to comment if they have chatted with me, telling me why they wanted to do so. NOBODY ANSWERED! So I deleted them as contacts and I deleted the chats as well.

It was pretty obvious that they did not really care about me, and probably only wanted and hoped I’d be single and become their next girlfriend or hump-toy or something. Nobody read my profile, where basically all they asked was printed already, nobody liked a post, read my blog etc. I have no need whatsoever to keep in touch with people like that. I prefer focusing on my own life, as a college student and everything else that’s important to me. Total strangers on MeWe who wants somebody as lonely as them to talk to better find somebody else than me for that. I don’t have time for that! Not now, and not ever!

Now I shall continue with my studies. I’m programming all day long and now we’re learning about Arrays. That’s a lot of fun!

I’ve been a Computer Science student for over a month now…

…and I love it. The classmates are wonderful, the classes are fun and inspiring and the teachers are engaged and awesome. Or something…

I am not gonna say that it’s been easy. It’s a real roller coaster. One lecture could be really great and I understand basically everything. Then another one could be so hard that my brain stops working and I sit there wondering wtf just happened. Luckily, both the teachers and classmates are there to help and that’s great. I’m basically friends with all of them, and that’s totally awesome!

The first weeks were pretty easy with basically no homework or very little to do. Even though it’s was a bit of a slow start I was so tired that I didn’t what to do with myself. Also I have no idea on how I’m supposed to study. I still really don’t know this. I know the basics of course. Go to all the possible classes, do all the homework and/or assignments, read the books and pass the tests. However the only thing that I’m unsure of is how to read the books. Also after going to a bunch of classes it seems a bit redundant to read the books, because the teacher explains everything in detail anyway. And I rarely learn anything from reading books…

I’m so not into reading books. Not even factual based books. When I studied last time at college, I read maybe 5-10% of the books but I made it anyway. That’s because we did not have a classic examination. All we did was write essays and reports. I would not have made it otherwise…

So far, we’ve been learning about algorithms, pseudo code, flow charts and basic programming. In the programming course, we’ve gone through, variables, classes, methods, parameters, arguments, loops, bot while and for loops and many other things I forgot to mention. We’re focusing on Java, if I didn’t mention it before and we’re using IntelliJ for development. Learning programming for real has been a lot of fun, but frustrating and I’ve come to the conclusion that the easiest solution is most often the right and best one. Personally, with my mental blockages constantly being in the way and my aching body hating to commute, it feels like this whole thing is gonna figure itself out by itself. Once I start to remember what everything is and how it’s and should be used, it is gonna become a lot easier. I learn a lot from my classmates, by going to class and I think I’ve learned the most from making mistakes.

The funny thing is that this is probably the first time in my adult life that I realize how different I truly am in regards to other people. I’m different in both good and bad ways. The bad way is kinda obvious. It’s the fibromyalgia that is making everything tougher then it is for most people. Personality wise I’m thrilled that I’m myself and that it’s ok to be who I am, a nerdy “girl” who likes to be around boys or something. Not to be around boys in the traditional sense, more like being around the guys in a friendly way. Who cares? I love the fact that I’m not surrounded by annoying women talking crap about men. The other three ladies in class seems to be as interested in programming as I am, and that’s also great! One of them seems to be a mastermind in math as well. I’d probably talk to her a lot when I have problems with that.

My fibromyalgia is making school hard in the ways that my body is aching constantly. My back and shoulders are more tense than ever. My neck hurts from watching the teacher, no matter where I sit in the classroom. In this school it seems that we’re not using classic college classrooms, like old movie theaters or something, but regular classrooms like in high schools. That hurts my neck a lot. I’m tired all day, especially before and after class on the train ride to or from school, and I’ve been like a zombie at home, trying to do my best to study anyways. During the weekends I’ve actually done a lot, but it seems like all the notes and reading I’ve done won’t help me until I can discuss all of it with classmates and the teachers. I’ve actually done most of my studying during the weekends, because I got nothing better to with my time.

One huge aspect of fibromyalgia is so called “Brain fog”. I haven’t really experienced that for a very long time now before college started. It been months, but now when I’m learning a lot of new stuff, it’s so hard trying to find the words that I feel like an idiot most of the time during class. I bet my classmates notice it too, but I’m honest and say that it’s brain fog, or due to my stupid illnesses that make my life hell 99% of the time. I do sense that it has been easier since I started school, but even then it’s a rollercoaster. I just hope that I can get through this and pass the tests. I’m really nervous about the tests 😬

Just so you know, I’m so sorry that I haven’t blogged until now. I actually started this post just a few days after college started, but it wasn’t until now that I actually had time to post it. I have so much more to tell you, but as long as I am this tired, everything besides eating, studying and sleeping is considered a huge bonus of mine, and blogging right now has to be at the lower end of my list of things to do. I hope you’ve missed me, and that you keep continue to visit this blog even when I’m not blogging. The blog is otherwise completely dead with basically no visitors and nobody seems to use Google either to search for the stuff I’ve written about and that’s been going on for like a year. I find that so weird, but I don’t have time to figure out why that is.

Either way, I’m happy as a college student and I’m looking forward to getting a degree in Computer Science!

A new masterpiece is in the works…

But why do I feel like a total idiot when I’m almost finished with it? For those who have no idea on what I’m talking about, I’m referring to the YouTube video I’ve worked on for like a month, perhaps more. It’s probably two months when you think of the first draft of it. Then after I made that one, Jon Prosser of Front Page Tech and Creative Mindset Podcast made me change my mind and do something better. Now I believe I have, and yesterday evening I let my boyfriend watch it. I wanted him to see it in case he was not satisfied with some details, but he had nothing to add. I had almost counted on him hating the video, since it’s about me being a borderline (or maybe totally obsessed) Apple Sheep. And we all know how much he really dislikes Apple as a company and some of their products, even though he uses some of them himself for work.

I was surprised that he had nothing to say about it. Just because I felt guilty or something and was more prepared to change the whole video, we still had a tiny discussion afterwards, because I probably needed it. The thing is – and probably always has been with me and Apple products the past year, is that it was at the beginning an escape route for my mind in despite of everything. When I got my iPhone as a gift for passing math, I finally felt that I could accept my little obsession and move on, but I only sunk in deeper into the Apple World… We have been able to freely discuss and talk about Apple since then (or since I started using the Mac mini as my desktop) and it has been nice. When the Apple obsession took another step, it was with the MacBook Pro that I got as a gift for getting into college and I was so surprised and happy I did not know what to do with myself. I love this computer. Touch ID is great! And the typing etc… Love it!

The problem is that, even though I have felt on and off that the Apple obsession is starting to decline, it has yet again kicked into gear. The main reason for that is still because of my stupid, silly brain and me being bored of my mind since school hasn’t started yet. It’s less then a week to go now and I can’t wait! I feel that I have a confession to make, but no – it’s more like a declaration or a disclaimer. At least for myself. The video I’ve been working on has been a tiny way for me to focus on something else, but time shall tell if my efforts were good enough for some success at least… Some success means like over 100 true views and a comment or two, I guess but I am not counting on anything! The video is not the confession, though. Read on…

My boyfriend told me yesterday that somehow I have to stop with the Apple products, and I am well aware of that. I will not buy any other Apple products if I know I don’t need them. To be clear, I’ve gotten every Apple product I use either as a gift from him or as a “borrowed” item since we already had some of them in our household. Even still, I can’t stop my silly mind of stalking the Apple Store app and check the prices and specs of iPads, AirPods, the Apple Watch etc… But still, I won’t buy any until I know I will need them. I haven’t so far and I will not do it, no matter how much my brain wants to grab the first opportunity to expand the Apple library. It’s more important to save my money and I know that. Having money is more important than having more Apple products!

Apple products, Tailosive Tech and all other YouTube channels talking about Apple are and will probably continue to be an escape route for my brain whenever I’m to tired or bored to do anything else. Still, I am hoping that college will be the event that changes everything.

This is my confession; I really want and will do my absolute best to study until I can’t stand it anymore. I want and need the computer science bachelor degree I’ll be getting to become my new escape route. To become my new obsession. It has to be that way. Why? Because I have been so bored out of my mind for so long now that I am starting to hate, dislike and get disgusted by my current lifestyle.

My current way of life is basically never leaving the apartment, spending 10+ hours a day watching pointless YouTube videos or movies I’ve seen a thousand times already or “bad” tv-shows. Also it involves eating crappy breakfasts and bad lunches and more crap for dinner, so the weight is not going anywhere. Not to mention that my IBS is not getting better either…

I am alone all day, with my cat as a companion and my BF is at work basically all day. I’m not complaining about that, really. I have no problem being alone, really. I just dislike that I have nothing important to do these days. Even the last year of work was not enough and I had to cut down my hours at the beginning of 2018 due to them not having enough stuff for me to do. That sucked, but I did feel that it was soon time for me to leave that place anyway. Since I lost my job, finished math I have been so bored that I hate myself a little bit. To be honest. Yes. I sort of hate myself and my current way of life. Me. The person who loves doing nothing special and sit and watch TV all day. I guess after 35+ years I’ve finally had enough of that…

I must do more with my life. Earn more money (or at least have a reliable higher income forever) so I can at least have a Great Dane to keep me company. I’d be devastated if I would fail college now, if it turns out to be to complicated for me etc. I need to fill that hole in my head! For those who do not know, I have all my life also felt that I have a hole, a physical hole in my brain that is just empty. Why is it empty? Because it is not filled with knowledge. It is like an area that is just lost, or totally unknown. Also my earlier bachelor’s degree I got in pedagogy just seemed like paying $30 000 in student loans to get stuff I already know on paper. I learned most of my “skills” from that by getting to know classmates and having the current BF by my side, teaching me new perspectives on life.

I think that feeling is why I have led such a simple life, because I don’t know what else I’m supposed to do. I’m so happy with so little. All I need is a TV and a computer with good internet access and I’m good, or something… Every time I wanted to fill that hole, some other crap comes in my way.

If it isn’t peer pressure (for not fitting in and being like every other girl out there) it’s stupid math (that I finally passed after the third attempt after like 10+ years of on and off studies) or some other garbage like my fibromyalgia. Or just life in general. Or as usual – my stupid silly brain that thinks everything but Apple or watching tv is too boring so I am unable to focus on anything useful. Like read a book and preferring that. It sounds like it’s all about excuses, but no. It has always been like that and I guess I’ve always in that sense been to “weak” or something to finally do something. To be clear, I’ve loved living my life like this, doing nothing and not having enough money and just sitting there, dreaming my life away instead of just getting up and do something. And books are boring!

It’s not until now that I have actually started to do something about this, because I have had enough of this crap! I don’t think I was born just to sit and watch TV all day and obsess about domains, Apple products or views/readers/subscribers? Do you? What a waste if that truly is my destiny…

This also reminds me… Not to sound evil, just a fact. The BF told me years ago and he has told me several times that I don’t have a true passion for something. I don’t have a passion for making it on YouTube, as a blogger or anything else. Not even learning code or trying to at least. I just prefer doing something else and I expect imminent success by doing barely enough. Or maybe nothing. I just sit there and dream, instead of making it myself from scratch.

When he told me that all those years ago, I was a bit butt hurt, but now? Now I get it. And it’s true. I did not have a true passion for anything. I believed that doing just “enough” will be enough. Then when I’m done, I’ll go watch TV. I’m like an obnoxious child in that sense. I have always been like that. I’m always bored with anything that’s not watching TV or doing as little as possible. The exception might be when I’m around people I like, but otherwise I’m like “are we there yet?!” and I can’t wait until I can watch TV, play on my phone or sit by the computer and obsess about my useless shit.

It’s hilarious when I think about it now. Who could have known that I’d get to this point? And why the fudge did it take so long? If I played my cards right, I could have gone to a different high school program, passed all the classes needed and have a bachelor’s degree in computer science 10 years ago or perhaps even 15 years ago. My life could have been so different, but due to my life being a really weird and lazy one to live, this is what I have to make due with. I’m kicking myself so hard these days for my stupid mistakes I’ve made in the past…

If I don’t know how to solve a certain thing, and I don’t even know what Google is telling me, how am I supposed to go on? I haven’t, but those days are hopefully over – forever. Now it is time for everything, and I do mean everything to change. I’m done copying and pasting…

It’s time for me to stop obsessing about pointless crap and start to focus on stuff that’s useful – in every aspect of my life. It is time to lose the weight and have a more colourful life. Or something like that. It’s finally time to shine. Become somebody better. A person who knows what to do and does not get frustrated or angry at nothing. I guess my frustration and so many other things in my life is due to that “empty hole in head” feeling. And now I’m gonna fill it. With programming. With Java. With new experiences. Shop Talk or whatever. Learn something useful and actually using that to my advantage because then I know what the fudge I’m doing. Everything now, at least technical stuff has been a guessing game, a copy-paste game or just not useful enough that I can do more.

It seems I’m complaining about nothing, but if you knew what it felt to be me, things would be different. The thing is that I probably also haven’t realised that time actually has gone by. It’s not like I feel any older since I left home in 2001. I just have a lot of crappy memories and lots of time being spent doing nothing. Still, I can’t lie and say that it has been crap. The things that have been truly shitty for me has mostly to do with not having enough money or having really shitty boyfriends (stealing all my money), but life with the current BF of 10 years soon has been lovely. Even though I haven’t really had money, not a Great Dane, moved a lot and only had one single real job in my life, these past 10 years have been the best ones yet. Even though they have meant becoming a little bit fat.

It’s like:

Saying to people that I feel and/or is fat is unthinkable apparently so I can’t use those words without stepping on some toes. The word “fat” can only be used by doctors or obese people. Not by people that really have to lose like 40 lbs (or lose like 12″ around the waist) in order to not get diabetes or a heart attack before they turn 40. People like me. Yeah, that would be rude! But all that crap is news for another day.

I have been happy and in many ways I still am, regardless of weight or anything else. I’m just sick and tired of some things that I want to change.

I really hope that it’s time for that change now. I really, fricking do!

So relieved, yet so bored…

I just had an amazing experience during a livestream from one of my current favourites on YouTube, Tailosive Tech. Otherwise known as Drew. With amazing, I might be overstating it a bit, but it was pretty cool. I finally was able to get some bits so I could donate a little and ensure that my comment or question is read and answered by him. It took a while before I could come up with a good one, but then somebody asked about stalkers so I figured I’d let him know a little bit of how I’m feeling in this whole thing.

With Drew and the whole Tailosive/Apple shebang I have felt that I’m his only loyal fan or something, even though I know I’m not the only one. I’m like (whenever I try to get in contact during a livestream or on Twitter):

“hey, it’s me from Sweden. Do you remember me? Do you know who I am? Of course not…”

Or something like that. Not really, though but it sure feels like that’s how I act way too often with him. I feel really stupid sometimes, but my stupid brain and I have started to figure out that as long as I’m respectful to him, everything should be fine. And I do my very best to make sure I don’t do anything stupid… That’s why I’m so happy that I got the answer I needed today so I can move on and focus on better things.

To be clear. I am not a stalker. I am not stalking him. And that makes me feel so relieved. If I’d ever be close to do something like that I don’t know what I would do with myself. He’s such an inspiration, but if I go back and think how the last year has been for me and how much he and his talk about Apple and other things have helped me, I have sometimes felt like a stalker. Or something like that, but I am sure that is not true and never has been.

I am pretty sure, however that he doesn’t believe how much he has helped me the past year. I mean, how could he know? Seeing him speak reminds me of what I can and want to become, especially online. I could be that great at having an opinion, because I am like that in person. Just not in front of a camera, and especially not with a manuscript. I have tried making videos without a script, but then it by default becomes even more boring and I don’t like that. The difference would be if I could have a podcast with invited quests or be a guest myself so I can show my true personality. It’s during those discussions I truly shine – at least as long as I can get my message through without stepping on people’s toes and not getting them upset.

As a blogger, showing my true self is easy, but on video? That’s a real struggle…

I am currently working on a YouTube video that I hope will be released before I start college in a few weeks. It has taken me weeks to do this video, but the reason for that is due to many things. Mainly because what Jon Prosser has started  to say in order to help smaller creators become better on YouTube.

It has made me evaluate everything I have done and what I’m about to do as a hopeful content creator. I don’t know and I certainly don’t expect to succeed, but with Jon’s help, I’m at least starting to improve, but if it will gather views – I am really not sure. I am doing this particular video as a pure experiment.

It’s an experiment in two ways. One – to see if I do better with this one. Two – if preparing every single detail possible, until perfection will make me a better content creator. With perfection I mean, as far as I can go with my manuscripts and an iPhone SE to record it all with. Not to mention my “schizophrenic” personality that always seems to occur these days when I put myself in front of a camera. I am more natural at speaking in person as I am in front of a camera now, and I hate it. I wish I could be as natural there as I am in real life, but more experience will most likely help with that.

Anyway, with the video I am making now, which is basically all about me being a borderline Apple sheep, I have to mention Drew in the video. I asked him today if that was ok, and it was! That made me so relieved and happy. Also inspired, and I could really use some of that now… Hopefully I’ll record the rest of the footage tomorrow and the edit will be finished before the week is over.

Now, to talk about the “being bored” part. In less then two weeks, I’m off to college. I can’t wait! I’ll go deep into Java programming during the school years and I hope that I’ll master every class and don’t find it too hard to learn. It would really make me sad if it turns out that I’m not made out to be a developer. Until college starts, I’m climbing the walls here because I am so bored. I just wanna start learning how to code!

The best part of my day is usually during the mornings, after my BF has gone off to work, because then I usually have at least an hour of awesome YouTube videos to watch. Those normally include Drew and Jon, but also many other Tech YouTubers who talk Apple products and other interesting stuff. When those videos are done being watched, I basically roll my thumbs all day long, surfing the web, trying to find more Youtube videos to watch, and I mostly succeed, but lately even that’s a struggle. I consider it a miracle that I can manage to spend my days and that the hours actually go by.

Today I was also thrilled that Drew went online with his daily Tech stream two hours or so earlier than usual. When the BF’s home it’s a bit easier as well for a while. As long as we eat dinner and watch a movie or a good show – everything is fine, then when that’s over it all starts again and I am bored out of my mind trying to find whatever I can do to. I really want school to start so I can focus on programming at least! I have to do something more or I’ll go nuts soon! If I haven’t already that is…

Only time will tell…

My mind is blown yet again…

The other day I wrote about me getting into college again and the changes that I hope will come with all of that. I also wrote that I could not afford getting a MacBook for school and that Windows is no longer that great. Well… It seems my worries are over.

The other day, an hour or so before my boyfriend was about to come home, he wrote to me saying he’ll most likely be late. That was fine with me, since the trains usually have troubles with just about everything these days. To my surprise, he actually came home a lot sooner than I thought. I sat by my computer, playing around with lots of stuff and before he came in through the door he told me to close my eyes and keep them close. I was so excited and I hoped it was a MacBook that was the surprise. I was right. My mind is blown away yet again. Talk about having an awesome boyfriend!

The thing is, that he ordered the MacBook when I got accepted into college. It’s the 2018 MacBook Pro 13″. It does come with some strings attached. It will be mainly my computer, but he will also have an account. We also installed windows 10 on it, because why not? Also, I’ll probably not receive any gifts for a really long time and that’s fine with me. This year has been full of surprises and I’m expecting to get a better financial situation the upcoming years than I’d originally plan so that means I can probably save more and spend more if I want to. I guess the only greedy question in my Apple journey so far is if I’ll buy an iPad with an Apple pencil or if I can manage without it. I’d like to go paperless for school for many reasons, but our iPad mini 2 works fine as is, even though I’d really like to have at least touch-ID for it. I guess we’ll see what happens when school starts. I probably won’t be needing a new iPad until I have a math class, which is not until march 2019 or something.

Also, I must add that I’m a huge fan of the trackpad. It took a few hours to get used to, but now it’s like I want it on my desktop as well. My mouse for my desktop is a logitech mouse with a trackball. It’s called the Trackman Marble and I love using it. Now, however since using the trackpad, I don’t really what to feel. It has so many advantages, but so does the original Trackman. It’s overall the absolute best touchpad I’ve used! The typing experience is also really nice. I thought I’d get pain in my fingers from writing on it, but no. Everything is fine. I do miss a numerical, though but I guess you can’t have it all. Not even the 15″ has a numerical…

Well, it seems my Apple collection is just growing bigger all the time and I love it. I’m curious to see what product will be next and how well the computer will work for school.

Do you have a MacBook Pro 13″? Let me know how much you like it by leaving a comment below. Thanks!

 

 

It’s time for some new beginnings…

And it starts with me going back to college! Yep. I got in, but I guess that most of you didn’t even know that I was planning on going back to school either, but it’s true. It’s only been like 5 years or so since I came out of college. I should’ve finished college in 2012, but it took me an additional two years to finish my last essay. That was not my fault, but at last I managed to finish it.

That college education made me a social scientist, specializing in people with disabilities and the job market. I however did not get a job in that field, per say… It’s kind of funny. My first real job actually involved working with a project specializing in just what I’ve gone to college for, but it did not make me work with people in the sense I had planned for myself. And that’s fine! My own disabilities are at “fault” for that. I basically thought of myself as a typical worker at a job agency, but the first job I got was a whole other thing. These days I’m however very grateful for my experience.

It’s just sad that I did not realize I wouldn’t have a permanent future as a social scientist. Technically I could get a job working for the authorities, but I’ve applied countless times and never gotten a response so I have stopped trying. Also, with my current health situation I will never be able to work more than 50% and I can only perform relatively simple tasks, so why bother?

The solution probably lies within the IT business. With who I am as a person and what I’ve always loved doing, I should most likely be a developer if some sorts. I love problem solving and with my years as a blogger, using mainly WordPress as my platform I have developed a huge curiosity for code and development. Unfortunately, due to my Fibromyalgia and restless personality I haven’t been able really to do something about this venture that I’m finally gonna start.

I got accepted into college and if I finish I’ll become a system developer, specializing in Java development. I’ll also get a bachelors degree in computer science.

With this new and awaited start in my life, it is also the perfect time for some other changes. For starters, I am planning to kick start my diet into a WFPB diet that is as vegan, fiber rich and nutritious as possible. With my current health status – I probably have no other choice than eating healthier because I have no idea how I’ll get the strength to study if I do not take care of my health as well.

When school starts I’d be hoping I’d use a MacBook for my studies, but I can’t afford one. Until I can or some other miracle happens I’ll have to make due with our old laptop pc instead. As of writing this, I started writing this post on the laptop but it was so slow and laggy that my domestic partner had to reinstall windows on it and it still keeps bugging out on us. Something is deeply wrong with that laptop and we don’t know why. It is a similar problem that occurred with my desktop pc, but my BF has never had this issue with either the laptop or his own desktop so that makes it all a bit more weird. He finally managed to reinstall Windows on it, but I do not like Windows any longer.

After I’ve used a Mac mini since like April or May of 2018, going back to windows just feels so wrong. I miss the seamless experience that occurs between apple products but hopefully everything will be fine when school starts in a few weeks. Windows is cluttered, messy and it is clearly spying software or something.

I got office 365 with being a student again and I’ve installed it on the Mac mini. On windows, I got a suspicious question if I wanted to let my school change stuff in my computer?! Fortunately I could say hell no to that, but still? WTF?! That’s not cool on a personal computer. Fine if it was owned by the school but we bought it 3 or 4 years ago. This occured before the reinstall of Windows. I’m not sure how much I’ll be needing office 365, so I’ll wait and see until I’ll install it again on the laptop.

Also, on our laptop, it’s been a huge hassle with typing, getting languages to work properly and I miss Safari as my web browser. I’ve installed Firefox on the laptop now, but I miss Safari anyways. It’s not a perfect browser, but this laptop fucking sucks! Or maybe it’s just Windows that i dislike?! I’m writing on it again and I keep touching the touch bar, which makes the cursor move and it gets my words all messed up. I am gonna hate this! Not that I’ve tried using a Macbook ever, but it might be a whole lot better in many ways. With MacOS I at least know where to find everything…

I’m also doing my best to try a new thing, and that new thing has to do with iOS. I’ve been having trouble with Google Photos not uploading photos in the background. According to several sources it is due to iOS being “locked in” and not allowing this, but according to others, it’s been considered a bug. I don’t know what to say, because sometimes it does uploads everything without me having to have the app open in the background and sometimes it does not upload a single thing for weeks – until I manually open the app. I don’t know what to think, but after some googling I’ve decided to do some other thing that many recommends. That thing is to leave apps open in the background and not close them after use.

It’s a bit difficult of a habit to learn, since I’ve done this like always on Android and ever since I got my iPhone SE, but I’m trying my hardest now. If I can change this behavior and let apps be left open in the background, it would make many things a lot easier for me. However, after a little bit of testing it did not help at all with Google Photos. However, the photos I took were uploaded to iCloud and to my Mac mini seconds after I’ve taken them, so the problem remains. For now it makes me want to use Google photos even less, because I’m sick and tired of stuff not working properly! It can be a “good” backup, but nothing else, at least when we’re talking iOS vs Google.

After being an iPhone user with a physical home button for mainly all interactions, I’ve still not gotten used to using a home button. It feels weird, but I LOVE, Touch ID. With this new behavior I’m actually using the home button less, so that’s good. So, what’s the reason to letting apps be left open in the background? Well, that’s because iOS closes apps anyways after like 10 minutes and it uses less RAM if they’re left in the background. They say that if you take a picture with Google Photos in the background, it will wake up the app, but apparently not, but I’ll do some more testing…

I’ve also activated Apple Photos to store my photos and videos in iCloud. I still have like 4 GB left until I have to start paying for the service and I’ve noticed that more than 90% of my photos and videos stored in Google Photos are test videos or random, useless photos anyways so if I were to switch fully to Apple Photos instead, I’d be more careful with photos and videos I’d take. The reason I’m thinking of switching to Apple Photos is because it seems to be a more reliable service with faster uploads between devices, even if I do not use the storage option. Even if I’d start using Apple photos I can still continue to use Google photos anyway because it would be a good backup.

I actually tried to download my whole photo library I have on Google Photos, and I have 50 GB of stuff since like 2011 or something. Some of those photos were taken long before that, but I’m counting since I started using Picasa and then Google photos. If I’d go over to Apple Photos I’d probably take more “quality” photos than just random crap just because I can.

Ok, to sum it up – I have definitively noticed that I love being an Apple user and the Eco system is worth it all, even though it’s expensive as shit. I am starting to change as a person as well, because I am so sick of things never changing for the better. With me being an upcoming student again, I am hoping to change a whole lot more than just prefer being an Apple user. If I succeed, I’ll be a highly paid system/software developer, a WFPB vegan who’s lost 20+ lbs and regained her health and hopefully with a better hold on life than I have right now. I hope to change my behavior as well and learn to read books, not to get angry all the time because I don’t know the solution to things and most of all – I hope this all ends with me having a Great Dane by my side. As well as plenty more Apple products to boot 😂

What are your hopes for your future? Let me know in a comment below. Thanks!

Suddenly my current favorite song has a completely different meaning…

And my current favorite song is Thunder by Imagine Dragons. You can play it below if you have Spotify.

I love this song, for many reasons. The main one is the overall sound of it. I love the bass, the beat, the drums. I never really listened to the lyrics, but after I listened to the latest episode of #CreatorMindset by Jon Prosser, I was yet again moved by his words on how to be a better creator. This time I was inspired, instead of disappointed (or something). In my two last posts about being a YouTuber I contemplated stopping completely at being a creator on YouTube. Today I feel a bit different. I still wonder if I should upload my latest “non-masterpiece”, but I like what I’ve done, even though it’s far from the best. I might rewrite it and do a re-shoot, but we’ll see…

In the podcast, Jon said that the importance of what you create is not the content. It’s you. Why should people care about you? What makes your shit so special, in comparison with all other YouTubers? If a genre is in example here, Jon used Tech channels, since he’s got one himself. I, personally have no clue on what type of YouTuber I am. I want to make it all, it seems, but best is to have a theme. If that is the case I guess I’d like to make educational videos, but I have no idea on how I am supposed to make people care.

What’s special about me? Well, I’m a 36 year old woman, who hates being a woman as well. I suffer from Fibromyalgia and other illnesses. I want to become a “Whole Foods Plant Based” vegan. Now I’m just an unhealthy vegetarian with like 40+ lbs to lose. I want to lose weight and prove for others how it can be done if you’re as lazy as me and have disabilities standing in your way of success. I also want to become a developer, this late in life and I’ve been waiting for a Great Dane for over 20 years. I’ve been “poor” almost my entire adult life and I hate reading books and math is awful. I can’t climb trees, I’m afraid of the dumbest things, really and these days I seem to turn into a whole other person when I turn on the camera to make a video.

How can I make videos with all that in mind? If I take the song, Thunder in mind it sort of also explains a bit about myself. At least when I was younger. I was being bullied – for everything I did or said. Everything was wrong, even if it was the right thing for me. People loved to tease me, yet I couldn’t do much because back in those days you were supposed to be “a girl” and fit in no matter what. I did not fit in. I still do not really fit in and I love not fitting in. And I like to point that out in my creations. I am not like you, and I’m darn proud of it! Or something.

I am quite respected as a person these days and haven’t been bullied for like 15+ years now. I also do not feel most women feel, with all the feminist crap going on. I feel I get the respect I need and I hope it will be the same when I’m a developer. I don’t see a reason why that would change. If it did, it’s probably because of individual assholes who do not like me and I guess that’s fine? Eh, who cares… I’m getting off topic here.

Since I listened to the podcast, I’ve had a thousand different feelings rushing through my head. I’ve wanted to do a rant recording on why you should care about my crappy videos. But since most people wouldn’t watch anything I upload, why should a ranting video be any different?

I’ve noticed I have a style of doing videos. With the manuscripts I save so much time, with both editing and managing subtitles. The downside is that most of the time I look like a robot. At least these days. Look at these two videos below. Can you tell a difference on how much I’ve changed?

And here’s two years later:

On a positive note, the old video I really do see as a masterpiece of mine. Today, while writing this post I watched it again and I love it. That’s my true style of making Youtube videos. At least the somewhat educational ones.

The style of the videos I plan to make now are all the same. It’s like “my current life looks like this – but first a bit of annoying history”. I never really get to the point either. That’s something I know after I’ve re-read some of my newly made scripts that I plan to use sometimes. I am totally clueless, both when I write the scripts and when I do the shooting and editing. I forget so many things and I think I’m writing a masterpiece in the making that thousands of people will love. Nothing could be further from the truth. I make crap videos, that’s for sure!

I wonder if I’ll ever be able to go back, or at least get better at making YouTube videos. It would be so much fun if I could!

Now I wonder, what the fudge shall I do next?

A clarification on what I hope my future will look like.

After I wrote the blog post yesterday, I was completely blown away of the likes and retweets I got on Twitter. Also, I’m amazed at the number of readers and likes here on WordPress. Thanks, guys! One of the biggest things that happened was when I was writing the post yesterday and noticed that Jon, from FPT and the podcast #CreatorMindset actually replied to me on Twitter and even retweeted some of my stuff! That is heartwarming. Huge thank you to Jon, for that!

Anyways. I felt that I should continue this tiny success with another blog post, and clarify some more and also write a post with a happier feeling. Or some shit like that, at least…

As a creator, a blogger and a hopeful YouTuber I do have a vision of what I’d like to achieve. I bet we all have those visions. The difference is if we’ll be able to make them. For me, my vision won’t become true until I’ve got my Great Dane, or at least I know when I’ll be able to buy him. It is so clear in my head what I’d like to do when that day finally arrives. If I should mention it here, somebody might “steal” my idea, but I really don’t care about that. I just want to see it happen, is all. Actually, I’ve been waiting on a YouTube channel that will document the life of a Great Dane in every way that I plan to do it, but I’ve yet to seen it happen. The only channel that has come somewhat close was Honey the Great Dane who unfortunately has gone to the rainbow bridge… All the videos from Honey have been removed as well. A new channel has emerged, that might be a success as well, Finn the Great Dane along with Magic, his older “brother”. The really popular channel Max and Katie the Great Danes, upload videos frequently, but they’re only shorter videos, with low audio and basically the same clip over and over again. Unfortunately both Katie and Max has gone to the Rainbow bridge, but the channel seems to live on with a new sibling.

Actually, my future as a better YouTuber will most likely just contain videos recorded in HD, professionally edited and with the tiny details in mind. The video below gives you an example of what typical videos would look like, when there’s no talking involved.

I’d like to make great looking “vlogs”, training videos, talk about food, the importance of breeding dogs the right way, myths about Great Danes and other dog related myths. I’d like to make videos on how I teach my first Great Dane to be my service dog. If he’s able to come into work with me, I’ll show that. All while making it look as professional as possible. With professional, I mean that I’ll never record shaky video, vertical (horrible, awful vertical videos. Yuck!) and I’ll make sure the audio is great and that the footage will not be boring. When I do educational stuff, it should look professional as well, maybe with the help of a green screen?

My concept of vlogs is also not really the way people usually do it, like walking around holding their phone and showing stuff randomly. I might have sequences of that, but the whole vlog would most likely be me in front of a solid background talking about important stuff. Like a TLDR or something. Or like TomSka’s Content series. I hope that will be achievable someday.

Also, to be clear, I do not sit here and wish I could become a full-time YouTuber. No, way! Even if I would make it, I’d most likely do that as a spare-time thing. My real hopes and wishes regarding my future, is my future as a developer of some sorts. Whether it’s creating apps for a living, make software, making games or just work with CMS’s all day long – I don’t care! As long as I know I can work with something I’m passionate about, and also hopefully something I can be good at while making money and afford a Great Dane, I’m happy! That’s why I think that having the best of two worlds might be possible someday. While I’m waiting eagerly to get a Great Dane, I might be able to do videos like the channel sillysparrowness used to do on YouTube, before she lost access to her channel and stopped uploading. Those videos were great. Down below, there’s an example video of hers.

I’d like to do something similar, but in that case about me, learning to code as a somewhat disabled and “returning-to-school” person. For those of you who don’t know, I already have a bachelor’s degree in pedagogy. It took me 5 years to finish college, because of stupid teachers tearing my bachelor thesis apart. And it did not give me a job. Well, it’s not mainly due to the college program, it’s mainly due to my disability. I’ve applied for numerous job that I technically can have because of my degree, but since I haven’t worked that much and am sure that I can’t work full-time, nobody will even consider me. Also I’ve found out that I can never ever work full-time in any other business then IT business, so that’s why I’m going back to college and hope I can take my chances of working at least more than part time in the future.

To clarify something more, my last job, which also was my first real job – I got because of my personality and it was an adjusted work place, or whatever the term is. I worked at a non-profit organisation where most of the employees have some sort of disability. That place aims to make the world a better place for everybody, especially those with disabilities. It was great working there, but my job assignment was often way too simple for me and with my experience, my disabilities etc, I’ll probably never be able to get a more demanding (aka creative) job unless I switch careers. That’s why I’m going back to college, and I’ll know in a few weeks if I got in.

Until I’m there – I just hope for the best and during this time I’ll consider what kind of videos I should make, or if I should make any of them in the first place. The video about me being a border-line apple sheep is in the making and I’d really like to upload that one to YouTube. At least as a test, or a continuing experiment, but I might have to do some more editing until it’s ready for uploading.

Well, that’s it for now. Thanks for all the likes, retweets etc.

What the fudge am I supposed to do to get noticed around here…

I’ve been thinking about writing this blog post for a while now. At least for a week or something. In my crazy mind, that’s like forever or something, but it seems like, for total other reasons than my original thoughts, I have other reasons to write this blog post as well. I’m writing this with sadness, as well as hope, and I’ve got some people to thank and “blame” for that. But mostly thanks.

A post can take anything from a few minutes to write to several days depending on how much time I spend thinking about what I wanna write. As a blogger I write posts to get stuff out of my head. To make my head (or stupid brain) be quiet. I have found since I started blogging for real in 2009 that it’s basically the only thing that makes my brain go quiet and calm down. I have to write stuff down to not go totally nuts! That’s why blogging is a great tool for me. It’s my own personal therapist or something…

As a blogger, I have never really cared about how I write stuff or who I write it for. This goes for all my blogs I’ve had in the past, present or future. Even this one that actually has somewhat of a theme. As a blogger I basically start all my posts right at the top of my head. Then I just write. I write until I feel I’m finished with the post. I check everything, several times and change or add stuff if it’s needed. I add categories, perhaps a photo or a relevant video, I add some tags and then I post to social media platforms. Then I hope people will read it and learn something. These days people are caring less and less and I know why. It’s because of mistakes I made by changing blogging platforms too often, switching domains and web hotels as often as one would change his shirt and not having a proper theme. I never feel “finished”, because when I do feel that, I tend to change something anyways and I’m back to square one. Because of this I feel that those people who used to read my blogs a lot back in the day have started to put less faith in me, and therefore do not care as much as they used to. Really, that’s fine, but inside I’m desperate for readers, comments and maintaining a growing readership. Something that will probably never happen – until I have learned from my mistakes for real. I always think that day is today. But it’s never that easy…

As a YouTuber, I should probably never even have started creating videos. I’ve probably mentioned this way too many times already, but for a little history lesson – I’ll update you as best as I can for now. Basically I’ve uploaded and created so many videos I do not know where to start. I started the first channel in 2009 or something like that and managed to gather quite a little following. A following that wasn’t enough for me. And then we’re talking like 100+ subs! So I quit. Erased the channel. Stopped uploading. Went quiet. Until somewhere around 2011. then I started a new channel again. Less people cared, even though I spent a lot of time editing those videos and coming up with “amazing” ideas for videos. So I quit. Erased the channel. Stopped uploading. Went quiet. Until somewhere around a year later and then the cycle continues.

Where I am now I can consider myself being a realistic Epic Failure or something. I know where I went wrong, but I don’t know how to fix it. It didn’t help that I managed to create a bunch of videos about the Inman Aligner treatment that got me a lot of views and some new subscribers, only to change the theme of the channel completely too many years to soon. Instead of having a general “bad vlogging” channel about dentistry, I changed it to be all about Great Danes. That’s a dream of mine I’ve had since YouTube came along, but there’s never been a Great Dane in my life I can call my own. And now, since sometime last year or so there won’t be until I’m like a full-time employee as a system developer, which will take at least 3 more years until that will happen.

When I realized that I won’t be getting a Great Dane now, both my current channels died out and I haven’t really done anything to them, until recently. I figured that I’d at least upload general videos about “whatever” to my current “main” channel, but I guess I changed my mind again. And this I’ve done for a great reason, I guess.

I’ve recently started to listen to a lot of podcasts. I find this hobby of mine to be somewhat of a miracle, since my brain can never focus hard enough to read a book instead, but listen in on interesting conversations seems to be a lot easier. That’s why I like listening to podcasts now. Especially after having an iPhone because iTunes is simply the best service for podcasts in my view! And also because I’ve become somewhat obsessed with Tailosive Tech and other related channels like Front Page Tech and Painfully Honest Tech etc…

Today I listened to the newly created Creator Mindset, that’s made by Jon Prosser from the YouTube channel Front Page Tech. Holy shit, did I learn something. It made me sad when I listened to it, but also even more realistic. To be clear, I’ve never intended for blogging or making YouTube videos a thing that I could make money from. If that would ever happen, I’d probably do a whole lot of sponsorships, use Patreon instead of Adsense, sell merch etc. However, like I’ve stated before in this post, I am a blogger and a bad YouTuber who “never learns from my mistakes”. Or at least not let other people know that that’s true or something. I get the feeling that viewers and readers do not trust me.

I’m starting to feel like a stalker or some shit, but I can’t help loving the content I’m watching from so many awesome tech channels these days. It’s basically no wonder why I feel so obsessed with these tech YouTubers. It’s because I feel a connection to them. They have opinions and keep discussions in a way that’s similar to mine. They’re not scared of having opinions. They’re funny guys as well. I mean, I’m in heaven whenever I watch or listen to their stuff! Even though I’m probably old enough to be Drew’s mother or something like that… It’s thanks to them I got motivated and kept the strength I needed to get a passing grade in math during the spring of 2018. Drew, taught me to look at technology from another perspective and respect it. Jon, from FPT made me realize and confirm that it’s ok to be friends with people who have different opinions. Painfully Honest Tech creates videos, even though he’s not in his twenties…

This specific blog have gotten a few followers, and I’m so thankful for that. If I’m lucky I can get like 7-10 readings of a post. But then – when I do not write, the blog is absolutely dead. I mean 0 views when I’m not writing a post. Sometimes it can go weeks before I write something, and if I’ve been lucky in between those posts, I might have 3 readers, but none from Google searches and basically I’ve gotten one comment since I started this blog. I wonder why that is, but I know that it’s because I suck at basically everything that Jon said in that podcast of his. I wonder where my readers are, where my YouTube viewers are. Where my comments are. I’ve done this for years, mind you! Nagged and nagged until I’ve gotten blue in the face. And with each single post or whining about this crap, people have started to care less and less. With their equal and fully right to do so. So I’ve stopped doing that, the nagging that is. It hasn’t really helped my content get noticed, though… But it sure helped my mind to focus more on how to be a better blogger.

Basically only my closest friends and family follows my blogs on Facebook. I rarely get readers from outside my IRL friends. People on YouTube and perhaps other platforms are still expecting update videos about the Inman Aligner, when I’ve made several videos stating that my other channel will only be about Great Danes from now on. People don’t seem to get it. And now I get it…

It’s basically impossible to “become famous” or whatever the term you might use is, if you only do stuff for yourself. I get why I have to and need to blog about my thoughts, because I do need to do that. The price I have to pay for that is that nobody cares, or if they do, they do not let me know how I helped them get better at something. I know that I will only become “famous” or get noticed in bigger circle the day I have a proper theme. On YouTube that will be the day when I know my future first Great Dane is on the way. I might not be a big channel, but my bar is low. Even if I’d reach just a little bit more, I’d be satisfied. At least for now. If I’m being realistic I know that there’s less chance to make it no matter what, but I don’t care. I really want to be a creator – in so many ways.

I personally think that I create masterpieces, but those masterpieces are only masterpieces in my head, because they haven’t led to any kind of success. When I make YouTube videos, I’m doing it for two reasons. One – because I want to make them for myself, because I like the process (editing and writing manuscripts is so much fun!). Two – because I hope that people will learn something, be inspired or at least start to care about other people’s point of view. Hey, my tagline is generally “I like to make people think”. But no matter what I try to do – only I care about my creations in the end. And I guess that’s fine?

So, my dilemma as of now is – what do I do next? I have a YouTube video in the making about my current life as a border line Apple sheep, but after listening to Jon’s podcast – I’m reconsidering if it’s even worth uploading. Chances are nobody will care about it. I will make up half the views by just spending time on making subtitles. If I spend “that much time” and I’ll get nothing back for it – then it probably means I’m not good enough for YouTube. And I guess that’s fine? It makes me sad and angry that I am currently in this situation. My mistakes got me to this situation. If I’d sit tight and just kept my original channel and kept uploading content, I might have had thousands of subscribers by now and I might have even been one of the “bigger ones” on YouTube. Making videos could even be considered an income on the side, if I’d play my cards right, but instead I kept making mistakes and now when I really seem to care – it’s too late?

I know that my last video was garbage. The next one probably is too. The third one and probably every single thing I upload in the future will be a bunch of crap, but that’s life. I have basically never been good at anything. The things I am “good at” don’t really mean anything. Not in a professional life, because my “skills” haven’t gotten me a job because of it. I’m great at speaking in front of people. Making speeches. I’m like fluent in English, even though I’m Swedish. I’m funny and I make people laugh. I basically always have a different opinion then most common folk. I am not afraid of having an opinion.

I’ve always had a busy mind, but I’ve never been able to draw, write a book, make a successful YouTube video. I’ve been on TV, on auditions, and I’ve sung in front of millions of people watching. But I’m no singer. I can’t sing for shit. So I’ve stopped doing that. I haven’t officially sung a song in like 10 years or something. I realized I can’t sing, so that’s why I stopped doing that, even though I loved singing back in the day.

Basically everything I’ve ever loved doing, I suck at. Basically everything that’s more useful – I find boring or too challenging. I can’t sing. Can’t draw. Can’t code (yet). Can’t make useful YouTube videos. Can’t make people love my writing etc. Can’t do shit… But I’m sort of ok with that. It’s not only that I can’t do shit. In most cases, I have physical and mental blockages that stops me from doing these things. I can’t do anything really about those. I did not choose to be born with illnesses and be disabled the way I am.

However, I want to express my thanks and gratitude for listening to that Podcast Jon made. It really made me think and evaluate what’s important. Is it important for me to be a famous blogger? Be known on YouTube as the GreatDaneManiac and get recognized on the streets because my channel is so awesome? Well, not really.

The only thing I want and have wanted for years is a Great Dane, a stable income with a passionate job and a loving partner. I have the last thing❤️, but my 20+ years longing for a Great Dane is more my life story than anything else. The only real job I’ve ever had just ended, and it was not a secure job either, so having a Great Dane while working there would only have ended in misery… It’s hard to make continuous videos about that. Not to mention blog posts. That’s why I’ve sort of stopped, because I can’t really spend time on stuff that nobody besides me cares about.

I do have a clear vision of what my future as a somewhat successful YouTuber would look like. If I can achieve that someday, I know I’ll make it, but it will take something I do not have in my possession today. First of all I’d need a Great Dane. Then only time will tell.

Maybe it will be different the day I start college again? Maybe then I’ll make videos on what it’s like to study software development as a disabled student? Maybe everything will be ok when I can finally afford getting a Great Dane and I start documenting in a really professional way what it’s like to live with a Great Dane… Nobody on YouTube have yet to manage that. I’d like to be the first one! I have really no idea, but until then – I think I’ll stop making any kind of YouTube creations because I do not think I’m made for it anyway. At least not the way things are right now.

No matter what people I know IRL says to me about my mad skills…