MeWe, Google+ and chatty creeps…

To many of you within technology as well as various social media platforms, you might have heard the news that Google+ is gonna shut down in august 2019. For me it’s been something I’ve waited for a long time because for me, the platform has turned into a “boring” and pointless platform for me to be on. It was a lot of fun, with tons of interactions and new online friendships and that lasted from 2011 until like 2014 or so. After Vic Gundotra decided to leave Google, something happened and people on G+ noticed the change immediately. It was no fun anymore for many of us. Some still has fun and are so sad to see it go, but for me it will probably be a relief.

For the past years I’ve basically used Google+ as a link forum or something. I only use it to send my blog posts. A good thing, right? Well – it would be if I could get any decent numbers of readers and interactions from my posts over there, but no. About 0.1% maybe of my posts gets comments and/or gets read, but I’m not gonna complain about that. I am not perfect. I’ve basically stopped interacting myself, but that’s mainly because I feel I do not get the return I deserve.

There’s basicaly a hidden rule on any social media platform, and that’s you have to make some noice and be active with comments, likes etc to get some attention yourself. It’s a give and take game. Of course, this might not be true for everybody, but it’s a common theme. In the beginning this was true for G+, but not any longer, but I’v also stopped keeping tabs on who’s who so I couldn’t really say. All I know is that comments are super rare, even plusses and I should be the happiest person alive if I can get 1 person to read a blog post of mine from that platform. Most of my readers come from Facebook or Twitter. I’ve mentioned before that this blog is especially dead whenever I do not post here. It’s so weird! I don’t get it?! What have I done wrong? My Swedish blog is found on Google daily with many searching for stuff I’ve written about, but this one – nobody sees it unless they follow me on Twitter, Facebook or withing WordPress.com itself. I have gained almost 20 followers here, which is awesome, but many of you do not read my posts either, but I don’t care. I have to write. If you read it, that’s great. If you learned something, that’s even better and if you comment – you’ve probably made my day.

Anywhoo… I did not plan for this post to be a lengthy boring one about interactions and comments, but I wanted to tell you like it is. As of now, since I’m a college student I’m considering myself lucky to have the time at all to write a blog post, so this is great either way. This post is gonna be a lot more, hopefully about a new social media platform that I’ve fled to recently. It’s called MeWe, and so far it’s been pretty great, even though it’s not perfect yet.

I’ve been on MeWe for like a week now. I went to Diaspora first, but since they lack a mobile app for iOS, it’s nothing I’ve used frequently since the news about G+ came out. It’s not like I need a new platform to be on, but after I found MeWe, I was pretty sold on their concept and it reminds me a lot of Google+ in the earlier days.

However, MeWe does have a giant drawback that I almost noticed way too late. Not to be rude, but I’m a bit disappointed if you read this and you’ve chatted with me on MeWe, but I gotta write about this.

I thought, since I’d be “switching” to MeWe instead of G+ that I’d continue with the principle I had from the start over there. That was a principle that I’d add everybody who wanted to add me and that way I got to know more people. On G+, there was Hangouts, group video calls that were a great opportunity to get to know people from all over the world. MeWe does have that too, but things have changed since those early days on G+. Now I’m not interested in video chatting or having calls with total strangers. The funny thing is that since I joined MeWe, about 7 people or so added me there that I’ve chatted with. Three of them were men, in perhaps their 60’s, working in the U.S military and wanted to find Swedish “girls” to chat with and somehow they found me. The first guy I talked to was nice and that went pretty great. Then, like a day after another person, stationed in the same country as him started chatting with me. He wanted to be “best friends” or something after fifteen minutes of chat. I said “Sure”, but I changed my mind pretty fast afterwards. That was due to all the other people I accepted as contacts that started chats with me. If they kept writing to me, it was all the same questions. Something like this:

Hi, my name is bla bla, I am single, US military in my 60’s looking for Swedish people. Who are you? Where are you from? How old are you? Can I be your best friend? Can I add you on “insert-other-chat-message-service-here”?Can I get your email? Can I get to know you better? Etc…

Ok, not all of them were older men, but the questions were basically the same. One of the guys actually called me up after I specifically told them NO to all kinds of other interactions besides just chatting (in writing, that is) on MeWe. That pissed me off, and I made the decision to stop this thing and then I wrote a post on my timeline at MeWe. I asked people to comment if they have chatted with me, telling me why they wanted to do so. NOBODY ANSWERED! So I deleted them as contacts and I deleted the chats as well.

It was pretty obvious that they did not really care about me, and probably only wanted and hoped I’d be single and become their next girlfriend or hump-toy or something. Nobody read my profile, where basically all they asked was printed already, nobody liked a post, read my blog etc. I have no need whatsoever to keep in touch with people like that. I prefer focusing on my own life, as a college student and everything else that’s important to me. Total strangers on MeWe who wants somebody as lonely as them to talk to better find somebody else than me for that. I don’t have time for that! Not now, and not ever!

Now I shall continue with my studies. I’m programming all day long and now we’re learning about Arrays. That’s a lot of fun!

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Suddenly my current favorite song has a completely different meaning…

And my current favorite song is Thunder by Imagine Dragons. You can play it below if you have Spotify.

I love this song, for many reasons. The main one is the overall sound of it. I love the bass, the beat, the drums. I never really listened to the lyrics, but after I listened to the latest episode of #CreatorMindset by Jon Prosser, I was yet again moved by his words on how to be a better creator. This time I was inspired, instead of disappointed (or something). In my two last posts about being a YouTuber I contemplated stopping completely at being a creator on YouTube. Today I feel a bit different. I still wonder if I should upload my latest “non-masterpiece”, but I like what I’ve done, even though it’s far from the best. I might rewrite it and do a re-shoot, but we’ll see…

In the podcast, Jon said that the importance of what you create is not the content. It’s you. Why should people care about you? What makes your shit so special, in comparison with all other YouTubers? If a genre is in example here, Jon used Tech channels, since he’s got one himself. I, personally have no clue on what type of YouTuber I am. I want to make it all, it seems, but best is to have a theme. If that is the case I guess I’d like to make educational videos, but I have no idea on how I am supposed to make people care.

What’s special about me? Well, I’m a 36 year old woman, who hates being a woman as well. I suffer from Fibromyalgia and other illnesses. I want to become a “Whole Foods Plant Based” vegan. Now I’m just an unhealthy vegetarian with like 40+ lbs to lose. I want to lose weight and prove for others how it can be done if you’re as lazy as me and have disabilities standing in your way of success. I also want to become a developer, this late in life and I’ve been waiting for a Great Dane for over 20 years. I’ve been “poor” almost my entire adult life and I hate reading books and math is awful. I can’t climb trees, I’m afraid of the dumbest things, really and these days I seem to turn into a whole other person when I turn on the camera to make a video.

How can I make videos with all that in mind? If I take the song, Thunder in mind it sort of also explains a bit about myself. At least when I was younger. I was being bullied – for everything I did or said. Everything was wrong, even if it was the right thing for me. People loved to tease me, yet I couldn’t do much because back in those days you were supposed to be “a girl” and fit in no matter what. I did not fit in. I still do not really fit in and I love not fitting in. And I like to point that out in my creations. I am not like you, and I’m darn proud of it! Or something.

I am quite respected as a person these days and haven’t been bullied for like 15+ years now. I also do not feel most women feel, with all the feminist crap going on. I feel I get the respect I need and I hope it will be the same when I’m a developer. I don’t see a reason why that would change. If it did, it’s probably because of individual assholes who do not like me and I guess that’s fine? Eh, who cares… I’m getting off topic here.

Since I listened to the podcast, I’ve had a thousand different feelings rushing through my head. I’ve wanted to do a rant recording on why you should care about my crappy videos. But since most people wouldn’t watch anything I upload, why should a ranting video be any different?

I’ve noticed I have a style of doing videos. With the manuscripts I save so much time, with both editing and managing subtitles. The downside is that most of the time I look like a robot. At least these days. Look at these two videos below. Can you tell a difference on how much I’ve changed?

And here’s two years later:

On a positive note, the old video I really do see as a masterpiece of mine. Today, while writing this post I watched it again and I love it. That’s my true style of making Youtube videos. At least the somewhat educational ones.

The style of the videos I plan to make now are all the same. It’s like “my current life looks like this – but first a bit of annoying history”. I never really get to the point either. That’s something I know after I’ve re-read some of my newly made scripts that I plan to use sometimes. I am totally clueless, both when I write the scripts and when I do the shooting and editing. I forget so many things and I think I’m writing a masterpiece in the making that thousands of people will love. Nothing could be further from the truth. I make crap videos, that’s for sure!

I wonder if I’ll ever be able to go back, or at least get better at making YouTube videos. It would be so much fun if I could!

Now I wonder, what the fudge shall I do next?

What the fudge am I supposed to do to get noticed around here…

I’ve been thinking about writing this blog post for a while now. At least for a week or something. In my crazy mind, that’s like forever or something, but it seems like, for total other reasons than my original thoughts, I have other reasons to write this blog post as well. I’m writing this with sadness, as well as hope, and I’ve got some people to thank and “blame” for that. But mostly thanks.

A post can take anything from a few minutes to write to several days depending on how much time I spend thinking about what I wanna write. As a blogger I write posts to get stuff out of my head. To make my head (or stupid brain) be quiet. I have found since I started blogging for real in 2009 that it’s basically the only thing that makes my brain go quiet and calm down. I have to write stuff down to not go totally nuts! That’s why blogging is a great tool for me. It’s my own personal therapist or something…

As a blogger, I have never really cared about how I write stuff or who I write it for. This goes for all my blogs I’ve had in the past, present or future. Even this one that actually has somewhat of a theme. As a blogger I basically start all my posts right at the top of my head. Then I just write. I write until I feel I’m finished with the post. I check everything, several times and change or add stuff if it’s needed. I add categories, perhaps a photo or a relevant video, I add some tags and then I post to social media platforms. Then I hope people will read it and learn something. These days people are caring less and less and I know why. It’s because of mistakes I made by changing blogging platforms too often, switching domains and web hotels as often as one would change his shirt and not having a proper theme. I never feel “finished”, because when I do feel that, I tend to change something anyways and I’m back to square one. Because of this I feel that those people who used to read my blogs a lot back in the day have started to put less faith in me, and therefore do not care as much as they used to. Really, that’s fine, but inside I’m desperate for readers, comments and maintaining a growing readership. Something that will probably never happen – until I have learned from my mistakes for real. I always think that day is today. But it’s never that easy…

As a YouTuber, I should probably never even have started creating videos. I’ve probably mentioned this way too many times already, but for a little history lesson – I’ll update you as best as I can for now. Basically I’ve uploaded and created so many videos I do not know where to start. I started the first channel in 2009 or something like that and managed to gather quite a little following. A following that wasn’t enough for me. And then we’re talking like 100+ subs! So I quit. Erased the channel. Stopped uploading. Went quiet. Until somewhere around 2011. then I started a new channel again. Less people cared, even though I spent a lot of time editing those videos and coming up with “amazing” ideas for videos. So I quit. Erased the channel. Stopped uploading. Went quiet. Until somewhere around a year later and then the cycle continues.

Where I am now I can consider myself being a realistic Epic Failure or something. I know where I went wrong, but I don’t know how to fix it. It didn’t help that I managed to create a bunch of videos about the Inman Aligner treatment that got me a lot of views and some new subscribers, only to change the theme of the channel completely too many years to soon. Instead of having a general “bad vlogging” channel about dentistry, I changed it to be all about Great Danes. That’s a dream of mine I’ve had since YouTube came along, but there’s never been a Great Dane in my life I can call my own. And now, since sometime last year or so there won’t be until I’m like a full-time employee as a system developer, which will take at least 3 more years until that will happen.

When I realized that I won’t be getting a Great Dane now, both my current channels died out and I haven’t really done anything to them, until recently. I figured that I’d at least upload general videos about “whatever” to my current “main” channel, but I guess I changed my mind again. And this I’ve done for a great reason, I guess.

I’ve recently started to listen to a lot of podcasts. I find this hobby of mine to be somewhat of a miracle, since my brain can never focus hard enough to read a book instead, but listen in on interesting conversations seems to be a lot easier. That’s why I like listening to podcasts now. Especially after having an iPhone because iTunes is simply the best service for podcasts in my view! And also because I’ve become somewhat obsessed with Tailosive Tech and other related channels like Front Page Tech and Painfully Honest Tech etc…

Today I listened to the newly created Creator Mindset, that’s made by Jon Prosser from the YouTube channel Front Page Tech. Holy shit, did I learn something. It made me sad when I listened to it, but also even more realistic. To be clear, I’ve never intended for blogging or making YouTube videos a thing that I could make money from. If that would ever happen, I’d probably do a whole lot of sponsorships, use Patreon instead of Adsense, sell merch etc. However, like I’ve stated before in this post, I am a blogger and a bad YouTuber who “never learns from my mistakes”. Or at least not let other people know that that’s true or something. I get the feeling that viewers and readers do not trust me.

I’m starting to feel like a stalker or some shit, but I can’t help loving the content I’m watching from so many awesome tech channels these days. It’s basically no wonder why I feel so obsessed with these tech YouTubers. It’s because I feel a connection to them. They have opinions and keep discussions in a way that’s similar to mine. They’re not scared of having opinions. They’re funny guys as well. I mean, I’m in heaven whenever I watch or listen to their stuff! Even though I’m probably old enough to be Drew’s mother or something like that… It’s thanks to them I got motivated and kept the strength I needed to get a passing grade in math during the spring of 2018. Drew, taught me to look at technology from another perspective and respect it. Jon, from FPT made me realize and confirm that it’s ok to be friends with people who have different opinions. Painfully Honest Tech creates videos, even though he’s not in his twenties…

This specific blog have gotten a few followers, and I’m so thankful for that. If I’m lucky I can get like 7-10 readings of a post. But then – when I do not write, the blog is absolutely dead. I mean 0 views when I’m not writing a post. Sometimes it can go weeks before I write something, and if I’ve been lucky in between those posts, I might have 3 readers, but none from Google searches and basically I’ve gotten one comment since I started this blog. I wonder why that is, but I know that it’s because I suck at basically everything that Jon said in that podcast of his. I wonder where my readers are, where my YouTube viewers are. Where my comments are. I’ve done this for years, mind you! Nagged and nagged until I’ve gotten blue in the face. And with each single post or whining about this crap, people have started to care less and less. With their equal and fully right to do so. So I’ve stopped doing that, the nagging that is. It hasn’t really helped my content get noticed, though… But it sure helped my mind to focus more on how to be a better blogger.

Basically only my closest friends and family follows my blogs on Facebook. I rarely get readers from outside my IRL friends. People on YouTube and perhaps other platforms are still expecting update videos about the Inman Aligner, when I’ve made several videos stating that my other channel will only be about Great Danes from now on. People don’t seem to get it. And now I get it…

It’s basically impossible to “become famous” or whatever the term you might use is, if you only do stuff for yourself. I get why I have to and need to blog about my thoughts, because I do need to do that. The price I have to pay for that is that nobody cares, or if they do, they do not let me know how I helped them get better at something. I know that I will only become “famous” or get noticed in bigger circle the day I have a proper theme. On YouTube that will be the day when I know my future first Great Dane is on the way. I might not be a big channel, but my bar is low. Even if I’d reach just a little bit more, I’d be satisfied. At least for now. If I’m being realistic I know that there’s less chance to make it no matter what, but I don’t care. I really want to be a creator – in so many ways.

I personally think that I create masterpieces, but those masterpieces are only masterpieces in my head, because they haven’t led to any kind of success. When I make YouTube videos, I’m doing it for two reasons. One – because I want to make them for myself, because I like the process (editing and writing manuscripts is so much fun!). Two – because I hope that people will learn something, be inspired or at least start to care about other people’s point of view. Hey, my tagline is generally “I like to make people think”. But no matter what I try to do – only I care about my creations in the end. And I guess that’s fine?

So, my dilemma as of now is – what do I do next? I have a YouTube video in the making about my current life as a border line Apple sheep, but after listening to Jon’s podcast – I’m reconsidering if it’s even worth uploading. Chances are nobody will care about it. I will make up half the views by just spending time on making subtitles. If I spend “that much time” and I’ll get nothing back for it – then it probably means I’m not good enough for YouTube. And I guess that’s fine? It makes me sad and angry that I am currently in this situation. My mistakes got me to this situation. If I’d sit tight and just kept my original channel and kept uploading content, I might have had thousands of subscribers by now and I might have even been one of the “bigger ones” on YouTube. Making videos could even be considered an income on the side, if I’d play my cards right, but instead I kept making mistakes and now when I really seem to care – it’s too late?

I know that my last video was garbage. The next one probably is too. The third one and probably every single thing I upload in the future will be a bunch of crap, but that’s life. I have basically never been good at anything. The things I am “good at” don’t really mean anything. Not in a professional life, because my “skills” haven’t gotten me a job because of it. I’m great at speaking in front of people. Making speeches. I’m like fluent in English, even though I’m Swedish. I’m funny and I make people laugh. I basically always have a different opinion then most common folk. I am not afraid of having an opinion.

I’ve always had a busy mind, but I’ve never been able to draw, write a book, make a successful YouTube video. I’ve been on TV, on auditions, and I’ve sung in front of millions of people watching. But I’m no singer. I can’t sing for shit. So I’ve stopped doing that. I haven’t officially sung a song in like 10 years or something. I realized I can’t sing, so that’s why I stopped doing that, even though I loved singing back in the day.

Basically everything I’ve ever loved doing, I suck at. Basically everything that’s more useful – I find boring or too challenging. I can’t sing. Can’t draw. Can’t code (yet). Can’t make useful YouTube videos. Can’t make people love my writing etc. Can’t do shit… But I’m sort of ok with that. It’s not only that I can’t do shit. In most cases, I have physical and mental blockages that stops me from doing these things. I can’t do anything really about those. I did not choose to be born with illnesses and be disabled the way I am.

However, I want to express my thanks and gratitude for listening to that Podcast Jon made. It really made me think and evaluate what’s important. Is it important for me to be a famous blogger? Be known on YouTube as the GreatDaneManiac and get recognized on the streets because my channel is so awesome? Well, not really.

The only thing I want and have wanted for years is a Great Dane, a stable income with a passionate job and a loving partner. I have the last thing❤️, but my 20+ years longing for a Great Dane is more my life story than anything else. The only real job I’ve ever had just ended, and it was not a secure job either, so having a Great Dane while working there would only have ended in misery… It’s hard to make continuous videos about that. Not to mention blog posts. That’s why I’ve sort of stopped, because I can’t really spend time on stuff that nobody besides me cares about.

I do have a clear vision of what my future as a somewhat successful YouTuber would look like. If I can achieve that someday, I know I’ll make it, but it will take something I do not have in my possession today. First of all I’d need a Great Dane. Then only time will tell.

Maybe it will be different the day I start college again? Maybe then I’ll make videos on what it’s like to study software development as a disabled student? Maybe everything will be ok when I can finally afford getting a Great Dane and I start documenting in a really professional way what it’s like to live with a Great Dane… Nobody on YouTube have yet to manage that. I’d like to be the first one! I have really no idea, but until then – I think I’ll stop making any kind of YouTube creations because I do not think I’m made for it anyway. At least not the way things are right now.

No matter what people I know IRL says to me about my mad skills…