I’m gonna spend this summer crying my eyes out…

If you read my Swedish blog, you’ll know what this is about, but for those of you who don’t, I shall explain a little bit what’s going on. It’s about math, and that stupid, annoying math class I’m continuing to fail, over and over again. I’ve failed 4 exams in a row, which are all the exams possible for that class as of now. There are two more in the month of august. I’ve never been able to pass 2 points on the exam out of 18. I got one on the first one, two on the 2nd one, one again on the third and 2 on the 4th exam. With the 3rd and 4th exams I’ve studied as much as I possibly could, but I still went nowhere near a passing grade. The exams are too hard!

After the 4th exam I had a mental breakdown. No matter what I do, it is not enough. No matter what I do, it will never be enough. I feel pointless, useless, stupid and totally broken. Why is that? Because the math exams are so frickin’ hard that if you’re not already a math genius, you won’t pass this class. I have a disability, and I have a document that is supposed to help me pass the classes. The teacher has said no to all of that so I’m completely left to my own devices here, or whatever the expression is. I’ve written a little bit about this before, so re-read that post if you want to know more.

Since this mental breakdown, I have decided for like. the first time in my life that now it’s time to give up. There is no point of going on, since no matter how hard I study, I will never pass this class. The exams are too hard. And for some stupid reason it’s all my fault for not studying enough, for not being able to understand how math works, how to apply an equation to a general life situation. I’ve never had to do that in my life. Math is just stupid math in my book. Even if I know math is behind basically everything in our society, I’ve never thought about it that way. The calculator fixes that for me, or the app I’m using for whatever it is I’m doing, or the computer program. If I wanna drive my car, I press the pedal and steer the wheel. I do not think about math then. I think about driving! etc… If I wanted to know how much a soda costs, I’d ask for the price at the café… not solve an equation! If I’d build a house, I’d hire a building company and pay the bill. My math skills needed for daily tasks I learned before I started high school. Learning and fiddling with programming, I do understand that some more math is needed, but it is not much. And I’ve learned that stuff – from studying, but on an exam I fail to show it because instead of the exam having a normal question that I know, because I’ve practiced how to do it, there’s like a super advanced question, ten times harder to answer, which is impossible to do. Unless you understand math. Which I do not. So I’m screwed. And that’s my fault, and on and on it goes. A catch 22, a slippery slope, a stupid shit garbage situation I cannot get out of. This will be the death of me, surely. It sure feels like it right now. I’m on the verge of crying just thinking about this shit, and still people want me to keep going?! And I will because I feel I must. I do not want more anxiety in my life. Those days must be over! FFS!

I’m not alone in this. Many of my classmates are in this shitty mess. I do have a backup, and that is that I applied to other colleges (2 year, instead of 3) which is called Higher Vocation Education. I’ll become the exact same thing as I would be in this current program, I’ll get internships, and I get to learn and practice programming a whole lot more than in my current college program, plus there is no more math classes, just programming and developing. Just what I want! The only thing I might miss is not having a class in algorithms, but I’d learn absolutely everything I need in order to get a job as a software developer, and that’s what I want. A job, with a salary working with code. Problem solved, duh! Or not.

Higher Vocational Education (Yrkeshögskolan) is a post-secondary form of education that combines theoretical and practical studies in close cooperation with employers and industry. Programmes are offered in specific fields where there is an explicit demand for competence.

Yrkeshögskolan, Sverige

I’ve been accepted to 3 of the other programs, two as a Java software developer and one as a software developer in .NET. I’m going to the .NET one if this math crap never gets resolved. I know Java already, so why not learn a new language and platform? After the breakdown of mine, I’ve lost all sense of purpose regarding basically everything I’m doing. I’m so tired I can’t think, I can’t sleep at night, it takes me forever and I am so confused. I just want to stop. Take a break, take a vacation, do something else. Or just sleep. Still, recent events have pushed me to continue. I do not want to disappoint my darling BF and some friends of ours. They’ve made me to feel I must continue, even if I see no point to do so. I feel forced, at the same time I feel like I cannot disappoint without having anxiety about that too. I still have enough anxiety over this crap as it is. I am not worthy of passing this class. I hate feeling so anxious! I haven’t felt like this for years. It’s like at every corner something is coming to break me down further and there is no way out. The only way out is to proceed, fail, disappoint and never be enough, because I’m so utterly useless. Great feelings to have, right? It’s not fair, not since I’ve done my absolute best and that is not enough. Especially since I’ve not gotten proper help to pass the class and the exams are on a whole other level of accomplishments. The class is so hard, but for no reason. Last year the exams were normal. If I’d take a test from last year, I’ve already passed the class and I would not be in this situation. So I’ve learned my stuff, but it’s impossible to prove due to reasons that are so ridiculous and it just fills me with rage and disgust.

I tried earlier today to study some, but I’m so tired it’s a miracle I know my own name, and that I find my way home if I’d take a walk. I have promised them to do my best, yet again and find the energy to continue, but as long as I’m this tired, it’s a no-go. Blogging and watching tv, blend a smoothie is like all I am able to do. I’ve tried playing around with Java last week, but I’ve forgotten some important stuff so that’s a bit hard as well.

I basically just feel like crying all the time. And I probably will cry anytime and a lot of times until this shit is resolved. Fucking garbage. I hate this crap!

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My life = never ending math…

And o’boy does it suck! For those of you wondering where I’ve been for the past two months, I can reluctantly say – on the couch, passed out and pissed off struggling to put together the energy that is needed to pass this ridiculous math class I’m currently have to take.

Continue reading “My life = never ending math…”

It’s time to start thinking about that first summer job…

Since I started college in the fall of 2018, I’ve had a plan that I’d be looking for work after year one. First I’d like a summer job and if that goes well, I might be doing smaller jobs for that company later on and if not, I’ll be trying to do that for some other company instead. Then in year two I’ll continue to look for employment over the summer and hopefully get one (or just continue with the current company that’ll have me) and it goes on and on. However, during the fall of 2020 I have to have a part time job with a salary at least around $1400 before Swedish taxes, but preferably not more than 10 hours per week of labor. Or some other task that’ll get me some money to be used for rent and such until I’ve graduated in June 2021. One example would be to take care of a website and /or create an app for a company where I get a bigger sum of money that I can use to pay rent and other expenses until I graduate. After that I hope I’ve landed my dream job, if not already long before then but as of now, I think a lot about my future and where to go next.

In order for me to even get a job someday, I have to have a portfolio, preferably a website dedicated to my developer skills and some apps to show off to a future employer. During these few weeks, I’ve started to do just that, but before you’ll feel happy for me, let’s just say it all turned to shit before something good could come of it. I got a web hosting thing started again with the web host I used last time. I need a service like that both for blogging and for development, so access to databases and PhpMyAdmin etc is very useful. However, after tinkering a lot with some code locally on my computer – I noticed and got told that this would not work with my future and current java applications, due to many reasons. This sucks, but somehow I’m glad, because I still do remember why I stopped messing around with stupid web hosts and that shit. Still, somehow it is different now, since I’ve actually started to learn how to do this! Not to mention I’ve always wanted to learn this, so in a way it’s perfect for this since I’m a student now. It’s just shitty no matter what that this happened, but I am glad I got my money back from the web host.

To solve the database problem, I’ve started to play around with cloud services. That is so advanced that I have basically no idea what I’m doing, but I’ve tried following the instructions and no matter what I do, I can’t get my code in IntelliJ to work with an external database. It only works with a local one, which is fine, but I’m lazy and would love if I could have access to an external MySQL database so I could use that DB on whatever computer and/or network I’m on. It works to connect MySQL Workbench etc to the cloud, but the code get’s “access denied” messages or other errors… I think it’s due to me not using the right libraries but I have no idea on how I should do it either. We haven’t been taught this stuff in school yet… at least not how to use external databases.

Still, it is useless it seems and I am not sure that I should be spending my time on this. It might be too early for everything. Many of my classmates say that to find work within IT as a developer after your first college year would be a miracle if it was possible, so many of them will work with other jobs to get some money over the summer breaks. In my current situation, with me having the “ability” to not get a job anywhere else then within IT, I have to take my chances now. Also – I do not want to work with anything else than programming! I am not the best student in class, but I think I know enough to at least try. Also I’ve learned so much this semester, even though I’ve been by myself 90% of the time. I’m amazed at what I know today regarding Java, programming and OOP as well. I still suck at terminology though, due to my memory problems that are explained by my illness Fibromyalgia.

Also, I have a backup plan. If I do not get hired over the summer I shall spend it creating the game I’ve wanted to create for so long and hopefully that will be popular enough so I can make some money from that over the coming years. I do not believe it will be super popular, but I’m mainly gonna make that game for myself. If somebody else wants to play, great! Go buy it! It will be a lot cheaper than you think if I can release it to the public, and most likely not free… In my mind I’d rather pay $1 – $5 and be able to play my match-three games without loosing lives and having to wait or be bothered by ads or DLC stuff. If all goes as planned with that stuff, it will be released on iPad, Steam and perhaps Android and iOS devices with at least a 5.5″ screen. Size does matter for this game… At least in my mind it does. Don’t know about you…

So now you know what I’ve been up to. Let’s hope for the best, shall we? And also, do you have any recommendations on what to do with a portfolio website? I have a Swedish site for this already, but I want one in English as well, but WP on WP.com at least is not so useful for this and I do not want to spend more (or any money) if possible. $4 a month for my main Swedish blog is more than enough, thank you very much…

Programming terminology – and why I suck at it…

There are some important words to remember, that I have to learn. That I still haven’t learned, or I keep forgetting them. Damn fibromyalgia!🤬

Words like allocate, processor, expression, value, arguments, constructor, parse and a gazillion others. I’ve studied programming now for over a month, almost two and I’ve learned the “basics” of just programming. I know how to declare variables, arrays and lists. I also (think) I know what they are and how to use them. I don’t really know what they do and what they are for, but I’m gonna learn it eventually. Or I know it, but can’t explain it in words, just in code.

I know what the different loops are and when they are (probably) most useful, but I can’t really explain them. Yeah, same problem even there… If I were to have a discussion with classmates it seems I’m one of the experts, but some days I don’t know a thing or something… The biggest problems I currently have with learning Java and programming in general are the basics underneath the basics and how to remember how you did that thing to get that output. People have also said that you’ll only remember how to program if you keep programming. Practice makes perfect! And that’s true!

For example there is an error I’ve gotten quite often since learning about arrays, and I have no idea why. It’s called StringIndexOutOfBoundsException and I got a tip that if I get an error, I should “read up” until I’ve solved the problem. The problem with my stupid crappy brain is that the documentation to me is often gibberish for my brain so I do not understand the explanation for the problem. As a beginner programming student, that might be fine, but I realized today that I should understand this gibberish and know how to solve it, but I can’t, unless I’ve encountered it too many times and learned how to solve it (or to prevent how to make it happen in the first place) and then I’ve learned it. That doesn’t necessarily mean I know what that error was, but I made sure it didn’t happen again when I’ll run a program.

I’ve noticed that I learn the majority of programming by actually programming and making mistakes, trying to fix them. I do this often the wrong way, by asking others instead of reading the books, googling, visiting stack overflow or reading the documentation. It’s a bad habit I am trying my best to change and I’m slowly improving. Note, that there’s nothing wrong in asking for help, but sometimes I’ve done this first instead of trying to solve something myself or I “cheat” and watch the tutorial video or have a look at the teachers provided source code.

I have to clarify, that often when I peek at the source code, it’s to find ONE way to solve my problem. I often try and try again until I turn blue in the face but the more I try, the more I learn, regarding programming itself, but just not the how and the why or something. My main problem is still to “read up” on stuff and picking up the book is really hard, but I have to try. There is apparently no other way…?

How to remember all of this, all the terminology and such is a huge hassle for me. It’s mainly due to me having fibromyalgia with brain fog as my main enemy besides aching muscles and total body stiffness some days of the week. If it’s not everyday, that is. My muscles basically always ache no matter what. If I’m lucky I can have better days where I remember more and I have the energy to do more as well, but those days are very few if they occur at all. Generally I have maybe two weeks in a year, scattered over the whole year where I feel like I’m on top of the world and can do anything. Most days I’m so tired I don’t know what to do with myself and now as a college student – it fucking sucks to have these disabilities I struggle with!

I understand the basics of programming and I’ve learned a lot I think, but clearly not enough to pass the final exam in a few weeks. If I’m in class and the teacher explains something, I understand what happens, but I do not use the correct terminology for it and I keep forgetting what the words are. I still in the end will learn and understand what I’m supposed to do to solve something, but the solution for it is basically to explain something to me like I’m three years old and in very plain English sometimes. At least on those days where my brain really does not want to work and I can barely find my way home and know my own name…

One example I use is instead of saying something like: “You haven’t allocated enough memory to/for the processor to run the program or installation”, I say “Do you have enough memory?”. See the difference? I know in this situation that you need at least good enough hardware (in this case memory or RAM) in order to do something with a computer, but I can’t find the correct terms to use – so I use whatever words I can find. I still understand (somewhat depending on the fibromyalgia) what’s going on, but how do I prove it using a piece of paper during an examination? That I have no clue on how to fix…

Anyways, that’s what I have to change. I need to speak more using data terms. Otherwise I’ll never learn this properly or get a proper feel for programming, because then I won’t understand it. Not to mention I have to get better at math as well, but yeah – that’s a whole other story to tell…

I also suck at reading. I hate reading, because it’s boring and I seldom learn anything by reading books. I prefer watching stuff, trying it myself, discussing it with others and writing about it. At least when it comes to learning something new, which I basically want to do all the time if I could. I feel that I need a different approach to learning programming, and even if I pass this class, I’m guessing that my knowledge of programming will become enhanced after I’ve done some more creative stuff. I had the idea that I wanted to make a little project of my own, in order to feel creative and “satisfied” wit how I learn everything I’m doing in college right now. The solution would be in my mind to create sort of a super quiz where I use all the knowledge I have regarding programming to ask myself questions about Computer Science as well as programming. I’d make sure to have all the sections in this quiz so I’d learn everything and then I’d answer the questions myself.

This is probably a great idea but there’s a huge problem. I do not have time for it. I barely have time to get to class, “read the books”, and do all the tasks asked of me by the teachers. I spend over 30 hours per week (not included traveling) including valuable time on the weekends to make sure I’ve done all I can for the next lecture or deadline. So far I’ve made it in time, but when that’s done – I’m so pooped the only thing I can do is watch tv, eat something and then go to bed. I haven’t seen a single friend I think since the first week of college, because I don’t have the energy to spend for anything outside of school. I fucking hate it!

I love school, it feels so right but sometimes I wonder if I’ve waited too many years to do this. I did not feel this bad 10 or so years ago when I started college the first time in 2009. My health, even if it was not good, it was not as bad as it is these days. Weight gain and a lot less exercise and interesting hobbies are the result of that, and especially a very poor diet!

Anyway, even if that program was a full-time thing, I did not spend 40 hours a week studying. About 5 – 10 was enough for me in general including lectures and seminars. And it’s been like that no matter what I’ve done in a full-time program at school or work, except obligatory hours I had to spend in middle school and high school. This is the first time in my life where I’m really active, using my brain and most of all – where I actually want to learn something and become something special or “something more”. And if I can – I will do this for about three more years and then hopefully full-time at my future employer.

I felt like crying yesterday, because I thought that if I can’t do this – my only choice is to be poor, probably never able to afford a Great Dane and have lousy, non passionate jobs that a robot can do instead. Also it will mean that I’ll never be able to work more than 20 hours a week… Not that I desperately want or need to work 40 hours a week, but the pay is pretty low when you can only work part-time and only simple desk jobs that are very non-creative. If I could work 20 hours a week and earn like $3000 a month (at least before Swedish taxes), which gives me about $2300 net income, I do not need to work full-time but I doubt I’ll earn that much with so few hours. Just to clarify – that income might seem low to you, but for me it’s like three times as much as I’ve ever made, being unemployed or with a disability pension. I felt like a rich king with my first job, but I did not earn that much in total, but I do not spend money, really. I like saving up, but I’d love to earn a lot more money in the future so I can save a lot more.

Anyway, going back to what happened yesterday, about what I realized. That made me so sad and angry. Not to mention frustrated. I have like 2 weeks or so to study like crazy for the exams. I feel pretty sure at the CS class, but I have to study a whole lot more for the programming class, but as long as I at least can learn the terminology I’m probably gonna pass the class. Since I am a student with a disability I can get help from the college, but I haven’t contacted anybody yet, because I’d like to try first myself. I feel like if I could do some extra credit stuff, I’d could probably earn myself a passing grade, but we’ll see if that’s even gonna be necessary.

I love what I’m doing. I couldn’t want anything else, but knowledge really and some better routines for learning. But it’s fun, challenging and if I make it – the possibilities are endless!

I’ve been a Computer Science student for over a month now…

…and I love it. The classmates are wonderful, the classes are fun and inspiring and the teachers are engaged and awesome. Or something…

I am not gonna say that it’s been easy. It’s a real roller coaster. One lecture could be really great and I understand basically everything. Then another one could be so hard that my brain stops working and I sit there wondering wtf just happened. Luckily, both the teachers and classmates are there to help and that’s great. I’m basically friends with all of them, and that’s totally awesome!

The first weeks were pretty easy with basically no homework or very little to do. Even though it’s was a bit of a slow start I was so tired that I didn’t what to do with myself. Also I have no idea on how I’m supposed to study. I still really don’t know this. I know the basics of course. Go to all the possible classes, do all the homework and/or assignments, read the books and pass the tests. However the only thing that I’m unsure of is how to read the books. Also after going to a bunch of classes it seems a bit redundant to read the books, because the teacher explains everything in detail anyway. And I rarely learn anything from reading books…

I’m so not into reading books. Not even factual based books. When I studied last time at college, I read maybe 5-10% of the books but I made it anyway. That’s because we did not have a classic examination. All we did was write essays and reports. I would not have made it otherwise…

So far, we’ve been learning about algorithms, pseudo code, flow charts and basic programming. In the programming course, we’ve gone through, variables, classes, methods, parameters, arguments, loops, bot while and for loops and many other things I forgot to mention. We’re focusing on Java, if I didn’t mention it before and we’re using IntelliJ for development. Learning programming for real has been a lot of fun, but frustrating and I’ve come to the conclusion that the easiest solution is most often the right and best one. Personally, with my mental blockages constantly being in the way and my aching body hating to commute, it feels like this whole thing is gonna figure itself out by itself. Once I start to remember what everything is and how it’s and should be used, it is gonna become a lot easier. I learn a lot from my classmates, by going to class and I think I’ve learned the most from making mistakes.

The funny thing is that this is probably the first time in my adult life that I realize how different I truly am in regards to other people. I’m different in both good and bad ways. The bad way is kinda obvious. It’s the fibromyalgia that is making everything tougher then it is for most people. Personality wise I’m thrilled that I’m myself and that it’s ok to be who I am, a nerdy “girl” who likes to be around boys or something. Not to be around boys in the traditional sense, more like being around the guys in a friendly way. Who cares? I love the fact that I’m not surrounded by annoying women talking crap about men. The other three ladies in class seems to be as interested in programming as I am, and that’s also great! One of them seems to be a mastermind in math as well. I’d probably talk to her a lot when I have problems with that.

My fibromyalgia is making school hard in the ways that my body is aching constantly. My back and shoulders are more tense than ever. My neck hurts from watching the teacher, no matter where I sit in the classroom. In this school it seems that we’re not using classic college classrooms, like old movie theaters or something, but regular classrooms like in high schools. That hurts my neck a lot. I’m tired all day, especially before and after class on the train ride to or from school, and I’ve been like a zombie at home, trying to do my best to study anyways. During the weekends I’ve actually done a lot, but it seems like all the notes and reading I’ve done won’t help me until I can discuss all of it with classmates and the teachers. I’ve actually done most of my studying during the weekends, because I got nothing better to with my time.

One huge aspect of fibromyalgia is so called “Brain fog”. I haven’t really experienced that for a very long time now before college started. It been months, but now when I’m learning a lot of new stuff, it’s so hard trying to find the words that I feel like an idiot most of the time during class. I bet my classmates notice it too, but I’m honest and say that it’s brain fog, or due to my stupid illnesses that make my life hell 99% of the time. I do sense that it has been easier since I started school, but even then it’s a rollercoaster. I just hope that I can get through this and pass the tests. I’m really nervous about the tests 😬

Just so you know, I’m so sorry that I haven’t blogged until now. I actually started this post just a few days after college started, but it wasn’t until now that I actually had time to post it. I have so much more to tell you, but as long as I am this tired, everything besides eating, studying and sleeping is considered a huge bonus of mine, and blogging right now has to be at the lower end of my list of things to do. I hope you’ve missed me, and that you keep continue to visit this blog even when I’m not blogging. The blog is otherwise completely dead with basically no visitors and nobody seems to use Google either to search for the stuff I’ve written about and that’s been going on for like a year. I find that so weird, but I don’t have time to figure out why that is.

Either way, I’m happy as a college student and I’m looking forward to getting a degree in Computer Science!

A new masterpiece is in the works…

But why do I feel like a total idiot when I’m almost finished with it? For those who have no idea on what I’m talking about, I’m referring to the YouTube video I’ve worked on for like a month, perhaps more. It’s probably two months when you think of the first draft of it. Then after I made that one, Jon Prosser of Front Page Tech and Creative Mindset Podcast made me change my mind and do something better. Now I believe I have, and yesterday evening I let my boyfriend watch it. I wanted him to see it in case he was not satisfied with some details, but he had nothing to add. I had almost counted on him hating the video, since it’s about me being a borderline (or maybe totally obsessed) Apple Sheep. And we all know how much he really dislikes Apple as a company and some of their products, even though he uses some of them himself for work.

I was surprised that he had nothing to say about it. Just because I felt guilty or something and was more prepared to change the whole video, we still had a tiny discussion afterwards, because I probably needed it. The thing is – and probably always has been with me and Apple products the past year, is that it was at the beginning an escape route for my mind in despite of everything. When I got my iPhone as a gift for passing math, I finally felt that I could accept my little obsession and move on, but I only sunk in deeper into the Apple World… We have been able to freely discuss and talk about Apple since then (or since I started using the Mac mini as my desktop) and it has been nice. When the Apple obsession took another step, it was with the MacBook Pro that I got as a gift for getting into college and I was so surprised and happy I did not know what to do with myself. I love this computer. Touch ID is great! And the typing etc… Love it!

The problem is that, even though I have felt on and off that the Apple obsession is starting to decline, it has yet again kicked into gear. The main reason for that is still because of my stupid, silly brain and me being bored of my mind since school hasn’t started yet. It’s less then a week to go now and I can’t wait! I feel that I have a confession to make, but no – it’s more like a declaration or a disclaimer. At least for myself. The video I’ve been working on has been a tiny way for me to focus on something else, but time shall tell if my efforts were good enough for some success at least… Some success means like over 100 true views and a comment or two, I guess but I am not counting on anything! The video is not the confession, though. Read on…

My boyfriend told me yesterday that somehow I have to stop with the Apple products, and I am well aware of that. I will not buy any other Apple products if I know I don’t need them. To be clear, I’ve gotten every Apple product I use either as a gift from him or as a “borrowed” item since we already had some of them in our household. Even still, I can’t stop my silly mind of stalking the Apple Store app and check the prices and specs of iPads, AirPods, the Apple Watch etc… But still, I won’t buy any until I know I will need them. I haven’t so far and I will not do it, no matter how much my brain wants to grab the first opportunity to expand the Apple library. It’s more important to save my money and I know that. Having money is more important than having more Apple products!

Apple products, Tailosive Tech and all other YouTube channels talking about Apple are and will probably continue to be an escape route for my brain whenever I’m to tired or bored to do anything else. Still, I am hoping that college will be the event that changes everything.

This is my confession; I really want and will do my absolute best to study until I can’t stand it anymore. I want and need the computer science bachelor degree I’ll be getting to become my new escape route. To become my new obsession. It has to be that way. Why? Because I have been so bored out of my mind for so long now that I am starting to hate, dislike and get disgusted by my current lifestyle.

My current way of life is basically never leaving the apartment, spending 10+ hours a day watching pointless YouTube videos or movies I’ve seen a thousand times already or “bad” tv-shows. Also it involves eating crappy breakfasts and bad lunches and more crap for dinner, so the weight is not going anywhere. Not to mention that my IBS is not getting better either…

I am alone all day, with my cat as a companion and my BF is at work basically all day. I’m not complaining about that, really. I have no problem being alone, really. I just dislike that I have nothing important to do these days. Even the last year of work was not enough and I had to cut down my hours at the beginning of 2018 due to them not having enough stuff for me to do. That sucked, but I did feel that it was soon time for me to leave that place anyway. Since I lost my job, finished math I have been so bored that I hate myself a little bit. To be honest. Yes. I sort of hate myself and my current way of life. Me. The person who loves doing nothing special and sit and watch TV all day. I guess after 35+ years I’ve finally had enough of that…

I must do more with my life. Earn more money (or at least have a reliable higher income forever) so I can at least have a Great Dane to keep me company. I’d be devastated if I would fail college now, if it turns out to be to complicated for me etc. I need to fill that hole in my head! For those who do not know, I have all my life also felt that I have a hole, a physical hole in my brain that is just empty. Why is it empty? Because it is not filled with knowledge. It is like an area that is just lost, or totally unknown. Also my earlier bachelor’s degree I got in pedagogy just seemed like paying $30 000 in student loans to get stuff I already know on paper. I learned most of my “skills” from that by getting to know classmates and having the current BF by my side, teaching me new perspectives on life.

I think that feeling is why I have led such a simple life, because I don’t know what else I’m supposed to do. I’m so happy with so little. All I need is a TV and a computer with good internet access and I’m good, or something… Every time I wanted to fill that hole, some other crap comes in my way.

If it isn’t peer pressure (for not fitting in and being like every other girl out there) it’s stupid math (that I finally passed after the third attempt after like 10+ years of on and off studies) or some other garbage like my fibromyalgia. Or just life in general. Or as usual – my stupid silly brain that thinks everything but Apple or watching tv is too boring so I am unable to focus on anything useful. Like read a book and preferring that. It sounds like it’s all about excuses, but no. It has always been like that and I guess I’ve always in that sense been to “weak” or something to finally do something. To be clear, I’ve loved living my life like this, doing nothing and not having enough money and just sitting there, dreaming my life away instead of just getting up and do something. And books are boring!

It’s not until now that I have actually started to do something about this, because I have had enough of this crap! I don’t think I was born just to sit and watch TV all day and obsess about domains, Apple products or views/readers/subscribers? Do you? What a waste if that truly is my destiny…

This also reminds me… Not to sound evil, just a fact. The BF told me years ago and he has told me several times that I don’t have a true passion for something. I don’t have a passion for making it on YouTube, as a blogger or anything else. Not even learning code or trying to at least. I just prefer doing something else and I expect imminent success by doing barely enough. Or maybe nothing. I just sit there and dream, instead of making it myself from scratch.

When he told me that all those years ago, I was a bit butt hurt, but now? Now I get it. And it’s true. I did not have a true passion for anything. I believed that doing just “enough” will be enough. Then when I’m done, I’ll go watch TV. I’m like an obnoxious child in that sense. I have always been like that. I’m always bored with anything that’s not watching TV or doing as little as possible. The exception might be when I’m around people I like, but otherwise I’m like “are we there yet?!” and I can’t wait until I can watch TV, play on my phone or sit by the computer and obsess about my useless shit.

It’s hilarious when I think about it now. Who could have known that I’d get to this point? And why the fudge did it take so long? If I played my cards right, I could have gone to a different high school program, passed all the classes needed and have a bachelor’s degree in computer science 10 years ago or perhaps even 15 years ago. My life could have been so different, but due to my life being a really weird and lazy one to live, this is what I have to make due with. I’m kicking myself so hard these days for my stupid mistakes I’ve made in the past…

If I don’t know how to solve a certain thing, and I don’t even know what Google is telling me, how am I supposed to go on? I haven’t, but those days are hopefully over – forever. Now it is time for everything, and I do mean everything to change. I’m done copying and pasting…

It’s time for me to stop obsessing about pointless crap and start to focus on stuff that’s useful – in every aspect of my life. It is time to lose the weight and have a more colourful life. Or something like that. It’s finally time to shine. Become somebody better. A person who knows what to do and does not get frustrated or angry at nothing. I guess my frustration and so many other things in my life is due to that “empty hole in head” feeling. And now I’m gonna fill it. With programming. With Java. With new experiences. Shop Talk or whatever. Learn something useful and actually using that to my advantage because then I know what the fudge I’m doing. Everything now, at least technical stuff has been a guessing game, a copy-paste game or just not useful enough that I can do more.

It seems I’m complaining about nothing, but if you knew what it felt to be me, things would be different. The thing is that I probably also haven’t realised that time actually has gone by. It’s not like I feel any older since I left home in 2001. I just have a lot of crappy memories and lots of time being spent doing nothing. Still, I can’t lie and say that it has been crap. The things that have been truly shitty for me has mostly to do with not having enough money or having really shitty boyfriends (stealing all my money), but life with the current BF of 10 years soon has been lovely. Even though I haven’t really had money, not a Great Dane, moved a lot and only had one single real job in my life, these past 10 years have been the best ones yet. Even though they have meant becoming a little bit fat.

It’s like:

Saying to people that I feel and/or is fat is unthinkable apparently so I can’t use those words without stepping on some toes. The word “fat” can only be used by doctors or obese people. Not by people that really have to lose like 40 lbs (or lose like 12″ around the waist) in order to not get diabetes or a heart attack before they turn 40. People like me. Yeah, that would be rude! But all that crap is news for another day.

I have been happy and in many ways I still am, regardless of weight or anything else. I’m just sick and tired of some things that I want to change.

I really hope that it’s time for that change now. I really, fricking do!

It’s time for some new beginnings…

And it starts with me going back to college! Yep. I got in, but I guess that most of you didn’t even know that I was planning on going back to school either, but it’s true. It’s only been like 5 years or so since I came out of college. I should’ve finished college in 2012, but it took me an additional two years to finish my last essay. That was not my fault, but at last I managed to finish it.

That college education made me a social scientist, specializing in people with disabilities and the job market. I however did not get a job in that field, per say… It’s kind of funny. My first real job actually involved working with a project specializing in just what I’ve gone to college for, but it did not make me work with people in the sense I had planned for myself. And that’s fine! My own disabilities are at “fault” for that. I basically thought of myself as a typical worker at a job agency, but the first job I got was a whole other thing. These days I’m however very grateful for my experience.

It’s just sad that I did not realize I wouldn’t have a permanent future as a social scientist. Technically I could get a job working for the authorities, but I’ve applied countless times and never gotten a response so I have stopped trying. Also, with my current health situation I will never be able to work more than 50% and I can only perform relatively simple tasks, so why bother?

The solution probably lies within the IT business. With who I am as a person and what I’ve always loved doing, I should most likely be a developer if some sorts. I love problem solving and with my years as a blogger, using mainly WordPress as my platform I have developed a huge curiosity for code and development. Unfortunately, due to my Fibromyalgia and restless personality I haven’t been able really to do something about this venture that I’m finally gonna start.

I got accepted into college and if I finish I’ll become a system developer, specializing in Java development. I’ll also get a bachelors degree in computer science.

With this new and awaited start in my life, it is also the perfect time for some other changes. For starters, I am planning to kick start my diet into a WFPB diet that is as vegan, fiber rich and nutritious as possible. With my current health status – I probably have no other choice than eating healthier because I have no idea how I’ll get the strength to study if I do not take care of my health as well.

When school starts I’d be hoping I’d use a MacBook for my studies, but I can’t afford one. Until I can or some other miracle happens I’ll have to make due with our old laptop pc instead. As of writing this, I started writing this post on the laptop but it was so slow and laggy that my domestic partner had to reinstall windows on it and it still keeps bugging out on us. Something is deeply wrong with that laptop and we don’t know why. It is a similar problem that occurred with my desktop pc, but my BF has never had this issue with either the laptop or his own desktop so that makes it all a bit more weird. He finally managed to reinstall Windows on it, but I do not like Windows any longer.

After I’ve used a Mac mini since like April or May of 2018, going back to windows just feels so wrong. I miss the seamless experience that occurs between apple products but hopefully everything will be fine when school starts in a few weeks. Windows is cluttered, messy and it is clearly spying software or something.

I got office 365 with being a student again and I’ve installed it on the Mac mini. On windows, I got a suspicious question if I wanted to let my school change stuff in my computer?! Fortunately I could say hell no to that, but still? WTF?! That’s not cool on a personal computer. Fine if it was owned by the school but we bought it 3 or 4 years ago. This occured before the reinstall of Windows. I’m not sure how much I’ll be needing office 365, so I’ll wait and see until I’ll install it again on the laptop.

Also, on our laptop, it’s been a huge hassle with typing, getting languages to work properly and I miss Safari as my web browser. I’ve installed Firefox on the laptop now, but I miss Safari anyways. It’s not a perfect browser, but this laptop fucking sucks! Or maybe it’s just Windows that i dislike?! I’m writing on it again and I keep touching the touch bar, which makes the cursor move and it gets my words all messed up. I am gonna hate this! Not that I’ve tried using a Macbook ever, but it might be a whole lot better in many ways. With MacOS I at least know where to find everything…

I’m also doing my best to try a new thing, and that new thing has to do with iOS. I’ve been having trouble with Google Photos not uploading photos in the background. According to several sources it is due to iOS being “locked in” and not allowing this, but according to others, it’s been considered a bug. I don’t know what to say, because sometimes it does uploads everything without me having to have the app open in the background and sometimes it does not upload a single thing for weeks – until I manually open the app. I don’t know what to think, but after some googling I’ve decided to do some other thing that many recommends. That thing is to leave apps open in the background and not close them after use.

It’s a bit difficult of a habit to learn, since I’ve done this like always on Android and ever since I got my iPhone SE, but I’m trying my hardest now. If I can change this behavior and let apps be left open in the background, it would make many things a lot easier for me. However, after a little bit of testing it did not help at all with Google Photos. However, the photos I took were uploaded to iCloud and to my Mac mini seconds after I’ve taken them, so the problem remains. For now it makes me want to use Google photos even less, because I’m sick and tired of stuff not working properly! It can be a “good” backup, but nothing else, at least when we’re talking iOS vs Google.

After being an iPhone user with a physical home button for mainly all interactions, I’ve still not gotten used to using a home button. It feels weird, but I LOVE, Touch ID. With this new behavior I’m actually using the home button less, so that’s good. So, what’s the reason to letting apps be left open in the background? Well, that’s because iOS closes apps anyways after like 10 minutes and it uses less RAM if they’re left in the background. They say that if you take a picture with Google Photos in the background, it will wake up the app, but apparently not, but I’ll do some more testing…

I’ve also activated Apple Photos to store my photos and videos in iCloud. I still have like 4 GB left until I have to start paying for the service and I’ve noticed that more than 90% of my photos and videos stored in Google Photos are test videos or random, useless photos anyways so if I were to switch fully to Apple Photos instead, I’d be more careful with photos and videos I’d take. The reason I’m thinking of switching to Apple Photos is because it seems to be a more reliable service with faster uploads between devices, even if I do not use the storage option. Even if I’d start using Apple photos I can still continue to use Google photos anyway because it would be a good backup.

I actually tried to download my whole photo library I have on Google Photos, and I have 50 GB of stuff since like 2011 or something. Some of those photos were taken long before that, but I’m counting since I started using Picasa and then Google photos. If I’d go over to Apple Photos I’d probably take more “quality” photos than just random crap just because I can.

Ok, to sum it up – I have definitively noticed that I love being an Apple user and the Eco system is worth it all, even though it’s expensive as shit. I am starting to change as a person as well, because I am so sick of things never changing for the better. With me being an upcoming student again, I am hoping to change a whole lot more than just prefer being an Apple user. If I succeed, I’ll be a highly paid system/software developer, a WFPB vegan who’s lost 20+ lbs and regained her health and hopefully with a better hold on life than I have right now. I hope to change my behavior as well and learn to read books, not to get angry all the time because I don’t know the solution to things and most of all – I hope this all ends with me having a Great Dane by my side. As well as plenty more Apple products to boot 😂

What are your hopes for your future? Let me know in a comment below. Thanks!

Suddenly my current favorite song has a completely different meaning…

And my current favorite song is Thunder by Imagine Dragons. You can play it below if you have Spotify.

I love this song, for many reasons. The main one is the overall sound of it. I love the bass, the beat, the drums. I never really listened to the lyrics, but after I listened to the latest episode of #CreatorMindset by Jon Prosser, I was yet again moved by his words on how to be a better creator. This time I was inspired, instead of disappointed (or something). In my two last posts about being a YouTuber I contemplated stopping completely at being a creator on YouTube. Today I feel a bit different. I still wonder if I should upload my latest “non-masterpiece”, but I like what I’ve done, even though it’s far from the best. I might rewrite it and do a re-shoot, but we’ll see…

In the podcast, Jon said that the importance of what you create is not the content. It’s you. Why should people care about you? What makes your shit so special, in comparison with all other YouTubers? If a genre is in example here, Jon used Tech channels, since he’s got one himself. I, personally have no clue on what type of YouTuber I am. I want to make it all, it seems, but best is to have a theme. If that is the case I guess I’d like to make educational videos, but I have no idea on how I am supposed to make people care.

What’s special about me? Well, I’m a 36 year old woman, who hates being a woman as well. I suffer from Fibromyalgia and other illnesses. I want to become a “Whole Foods Plant Based” vegan. Now I’m just an unhealthy vegetarian with like 40+ lbs to lose. I want to lose weight and prove for others how it can be done if you’re as lazy as me and have disabilities standing in your way of success. I also want to become a developer, this late in life and I’ve been waiting for a Great Dane for over 20 years. I’ve been “poor” almost my entire adult life and I hate reading books and math is awful. I can’t climb trees, I’m afraid of the dumbest things, really and these days I seem to turn into a whole other person when I turn on the camera to make a video.

How can I make videos with all that in mind? If I take the song, Thunder in mind it sort of also explains a bit about myself. At least when I was younger. I was being bullied – for everything I did or said. Everything was wrong, even if it was the right thing for me. People loved to tease me, yet I couldn’t do much because back in those days you were supposed to be “a girl” and fit in no matter what. I did not fit in. I still do not really fit in and I love not fitting in. And I like to point that out in my creations. I am not like you, and I’m darn proud of it! Or something.

I am quite respected as a person these days and haven’t been bullied for like 15+ years now. I also do not feel most women feel, with all the feminist crap going on. I feel I get the respect I need and I hope it will be the same when I’m a developer. I don’t see a reason why that would change. If it did, it’s probably because of individual assholes who do not like me and I guess that’s fine? Eh, who cares… I’m getting off topic here.

Since I listened to the podcast, I’ve had a thousand different feelings rushing through my head. I’ve wanted to do a rant recording on why you should care about my crappy videos. But since most people wouldn’t watch anything I upload, why should a ranting video be any different?

I’ve noticed I have a style of doing videos. With the manuscripts I save so much time, with both editing and managing subtitles. The downside is that most of the time I look like a robot. At least these days. Look at these two videos below. Can you tell a difference on how much I’ve changed?

And here’s two years later:

On a positive note, the old video I really do see as a masterpiece of mine. Today, while writing this post I watched it again and I love it. That’s my true style of making Youtube videos. At least the somewhat educational ones.

The style of the videos I plan to make now are all the same. It’s like “my current life looks like this – but first a bit of annoying history”. I never really get to the point either. That’s something I know after I’ve re-read some of my newly made scripts that I plan to use sometimes. I am totally clueless, both when I write the scripts and when I do the shooting and editing. I forget so many things and I think I’m writing a masterpiece in the making that thousands of people will love. Nothing could be further from the truth. I make crap videos, that’s for sure!

I wonder if I’ll ever be able to go back, or at least get better at making YouTube videos. It would be so much fun if I could!

Now I wonder, what the fudge shall I do next?

I’m in love with the iPhone SE!

Yep. It’s true. This little thing has started to grow on me like crazy. It does what it should. It’s easy enough to type on and even though the battery is tiny it is only a problem while I’m on the road. As long as I’m home or at least on a great WiFi connection and use the phone normally, I’ll get like 5-6 hours SOT with about 40-50% battery left when it’s time to sleep. That’s pretty good!

I also really like the tiny format in other ways. First of all, it’s easy to hold and handle with one hand. Mostly though, I’ve been using both hands for most tasks, but that’s mainly because I’m used to that. The camera is amazing! iOS 11 is amazing! Everything is basically amazing!

Close up of some sushi I had yesterday. Look at this amazing quality! #mindblown

I got the new custom case as well last Monday and that has made me love the phone even more. You can see the result of my custom case in the featured image of this post. It is awesome to be able to share to the world that I can put whatever I want on a case and make the phone I own even more personal. I love sticking out from a crowd 😉! I love that feeling and the case I got feels like premium stuff! Then being able to put apps wherever I want on the home screen doesn’t matter as much. I really do not miss android. I still do however feel like iOS and Apple are a bit too locked down when it comes to notifications and custom sounds. Personally, I’ve managed to fix all the issues with notifications so far so now I’m all good, but for those who do not know this can be done, it sure is a difficult process to achieve.

I got a bit shocked when I learned that the alarm volume is tied with the ringer and alert volume. However, I’ve managed to solve that issue. I created the song I wanted in GarageBand and the basics of that was that I lowered the output volume in GarageBand to like 20% or something like that and made sure it exported in that volume as well. Then I put the song I wanted as an iTunes song on my phone and then I just had to choose the right song and problem solved! Somehow this is also possible to do in iTunes itself, but I wasn’t able to make it work and after some more testing I’ve concluded that it does not work for turning down alarm volume. It however works for playing songs in a lower volume while listening to music added via iTunes on a computer. A disclaimer however is probably needed. In order to have an alarm with a lower volume, it only works with non-native songs or sounds you’ve created yourself somehow. If you like the native sounds and alarms that come with your phone, you’re stuck since I do not know how you otherwise can access them and then edit them. The sound I used was found on zedge.net (the website, not the app!) and as far as I know it is legal to use. If not, I’m not to blame, the uploader of the sound is.

Also I am writing, mainly the whole post, on my iPhone SE and it works great! The typing experience is far better in English though, since it’s predictable and autocorrect works like a charm. Writing in Swedish works well too, but since I have some problems with my fingers, I have a tendency to spell words wrong more in Swedish than in English. The problem I have, is that instead of pressing the space bar, I instead hit the “b” or “v” button. It’s really annoying but I have that problem no matter what phone I’ve used with a touchscreen. I don’t know why this happens, though but I do not like it. It also usually happens more when I have sweatier fingers. As far as I know I had the same problem with the blackberry sometimes as well so it is entirely my issue and not a touchscreen issue. I have fibromyalgia and I am stiff all over generally all the time, so having trouble typing is just something I’ve gotten used too. I’ve always had trouble using my hands and fingers for basically everything… It’s amazing that I can tie my own shoes and brush my hair, or something. That’s basically how bad my hands and fingers work, or at least that’s how I feel about it. I also have trouble with touchscreens in general if the touch sensitivity is too low and I’ve noticed on this phone that I have to either press harder or hit the right spot more if I want to go back or just do whatever. It could be an iOS issue or just an issue with this phone but I figured out early how to press and where so that’s not that big of a deal anymore.

All and all I loving this phone and I am so happy that I got it! I’m so happy that my boyfriend bought me an iPhone and I love the custom case options I’ll have for a long future to come! As of now I’m happy with the size, but I’m still curious if the iPhone SE 2 will come this fall and what other iPhones will be released as well. No matter what I’ll keep this one for now and I hope that will be enough. It sure is for now, at least!

It is also rumoured that a bigger iPhone with a 6.1″ screen will be released and that it will be a lot cheaper than both the X and the rumoured X Plus. If I play around with the idea that I get to upgrade this year, I’m only interested in the cheapest phone. Or should I say the cheapest one with the biggest battery that also carries the portrait mode and portrait light features.

If that’s the X, the X Plus or the cheaper rumoured 6.1″ X Lite or whatever it’ll be called, I don’t care. The phone with the cheapest price will win me over IF (and that’s a big IF) the other stuff comes with it as well. Otherwise I’ll might buy an old iPhone X in a few years when it’s time to upgrade. Or the latest one if I’m “rich” by then… Like I’ve said before, those portrait photo things and a bigger battery is basically everything I’d want for now in this phone. I have no complaints otherwise. I love this tiny little thing!

Do you have the iPhone SE? If so, what do you think about it? Write a comment below and let me know your thoughts!

I’m vegetarian.

Yes. It’s true. I’ve been one, very successfully as well since december 1st 2016. I haven’t really gone public with it until just a few months ago on my swedish personal blog, but all people I meet have known it from basically day 1, since I do not longer choose to consume meat. I do however consider myself a so called “lacto-ovo” vegetarian, because I still consume dairy and egg products. I’d still consume honey as well, but since I’m not a fan of that, I do not eat that much. If I should take a guess, I only eat honey if it’s in a piece of candy or a baked cake. I do not like it by itself and I prefer stevia in my tea.

To be honest, since we moved into Malmö and got ourselves settled I’ve started to really take charge of my eating habits and I can basically call myself a semi-vegan these days. My breakfasts and lunches are almost always vegan and dinner rarely consists of large volumes of milk and egg products. The dairy is like a little from cheese sometimes, or perhaps from a sauce made with milk instead of a plant based option. The eggs are like barely non existing and usually comes from some processed product like a ready made sauce. Real eggs from the store we basically never buy. Perhaps once a year and that’s fine with me.

However, these past few weeks, I hurt my back. I got lumbago according to the dictionary. I don’t know if it’s the correct term, but wtf. Who cares? I hurt my back. Yet another thing that sucks with having this particular body. Fibromyalgia, being overweight, having IBS is not enough. No, I have to have a stiffness that cannot be regulated, I don’t know how to relax it either and I sit like a beanbag or something. I also rarely stand up, move around or walk as much as I should. And because of me being sedentary deluxe – I get lumbago as well. Yet another thing to fix. And fix it I have done my best to do, or something. I’ve had the pains for over two weeks, but it’s basically ok now. It only hurts when I move my body a certain way, like bending my knees while keeping my back straight. This is also a move I have like never performed in my life before this lumbago thing. My body is generally so stiff that I really do not know how to bend my knees, which is also a generating part to me getting a hurting back. It was just a matter of time.

Ok, enough with the back thing. What I was getting to is, due to my hurting back, I’ve not eaten that great since it annoys and hurts me to much to stand in the kitchen preparing food, but I plan to go back to eating a lot better as soon as I can.

The positive thing is since I made this small change in my life, when I sort of went somewhat semi-vegan, I’ve finally started to lose weight. I’ve lost several inches so far, but it’s going slow. It’s however a great thing that my belly is a bit smaller now, and this has happened pretty fast. I lose about half an inch a week, so that is good progress. I have about 10-15 inches bellyfat to lose if I can reach my goal. And eating more whole foods is really the trick! My main goal is really just to maximize my fiber intake. From basically zero to at least 25 grams of fiber per day is what I’m trying to do now. At the beginning, when I ate a lot of oats and berries for breakfast (about 10-15 grams of fiber) and a lentil stew for lunch, (at least 20 grams of fiber) and lots of veggies for dinner, I easily get 40 grams of fiber a day and that’s huge! I also wish that someday I’ll start making smoothies as well, and I try to snack on berries or dates/figs or other fiber rich foods instead of candy. But of course. I still have pizza, probably once a week and there have been a few days here and there where I eat basically nothing but candy and potato chips. And I still drink a lot of soda, Pepsi Max or other diet sodas are the go to and have been for years.

Well. Now you know I’m vegetarian. My goal is to go vegan, and I’m doing all this primarily for health reasons, even though I’m not healthy as a person at all. I have to lose weight and I have to see if there is any way to get a body that works better than it has before.

In order for this blog to get some more action, I’m starting a series of blog posts. What’s it’s gonna be called, I do not know yet. I have a lot to say regarding veganism, what the right diet is and other interesting stuff. I might even start making videos again on one of my YouTube channels, since I’ve basically not uploaded a thing in like a year to either of them, but all the thoughts in my head have to get heard, I think.

In order to improve my own health, spread the importance of veganism and lose the weight I have to to this.

I’m used to never feeling 100% well. There’s always something wrong. If it’s not muscles aching from fibromyalgia pains, or me having to use a mile worth of toilet paper a day because of my IBS problems, it’s always something.

And now I’ve taken the first steps to fix it.