Preparations for learning .NET framework on a Mac and some more  purchases…

For the past weeks, I’ve been really frickin’ happy. Wanna know why? Well of course you do. I get to stay at my new school which is Newton (Higher Vocation Education program). About two weeks ago I found out that my exemption that I applied for to continue this fall at my old college will be denied and I was so relieved over that. I don’t care about what people think about that. I wanna stay at the new school for many reasons and now it came true. Well, let’s move on shall we.

The preparations I’ve thought about basically all summer in order for the new platform and language to learn is how to survive this program as a Mac user, when everything is basically about Windows and Visual Studio. Well, I have Bootcamp installed on my MacBook Pro, but it sucks, drains the battery fast and Windows itself is a cluttered mess. However, it’s worth it if I get to become a developer. At least I used to think that. Now I’m not so sure… I’ve ordered a new charger for my laptop, so I always have one to take with me to school, because I’ll need it most likely. I hope either way that I’ll be able to use MacOS as often as possible, because I can use VS on my Mac either way, even though I prefer using Jetbrains software for my IDE.

The only thing that I can’t do within MacOS is create Windows applications. I can do everything else, but not Windows apps(UWP). That is why I’m still hopeful I can find a way to use MacOS as often as possible for my future app developments. I know we’re gonna learn how to make Windows desktop apps, and for that I’ll most likely use my Windows Bootcamp version, but if there’s a way to get around that – I’d love to do that instead.

I know you can run windows on a virtual machine, like parallels or VirtualBox, and a week ago I struggled for hours to install Windows on VB. It finally works, and it works a little bit better than Bootcamp. The best would be to just not do windows stuff at all, but I guess Bootcamp will have to do as a backup, but if the VB installation works better, I’d probably uninstall the BC version in the future. I refuse using our old Windows laptop, or buy a new crappy computer just for school, because I really do not want to use Windows if I can avoid it. Not now, when I’m used to MacOS. When I tried using Bootcamp for a longer while the other day as well, Spotify stopped working and Windows itself behaved very badly, so that sucked even worse. I have no idea what happened, but that’s Windows in a nutshell. It always lags, crashes, stops working and is a general mess. Why does anybody prefer it? I have no idea.

Well, when I was a hardcore android and Windows/PC fan, I knew that my phone would never last more than a year before it started to lag and apps always crashed from basically day one very often no matter what device I used. I knew that getting bluescreen on my PC will happen many times and so it did. Not to mention all the gazillion times I had to re-start my computer to get some little thing working again. Having broken shit that’s somewhat cheap was the norm and just the way it was. And I both hated and loved it. The only thing I understand why people prefer Windows over MacOS is due to every piece of software available to the platform and for gaming, but still. I miss using Sony Vegas for one, and also aegisub for subtitles for my YouTube videos I’ve made in the past. When you stop using it and go back – you really don’t understand or see the appeal about it. At least I do not.

With what I’m experiencing now, I’m thinking that I’d have a requirement for my first job as a developer that I’ll get to use MacOS and only Apple products (or something) for my work. I do NOT want to work with Windows! I really do not! Visual Studio and Windows itself confirms it for me day by day…

Luckily enough, the first day of the object-oriented programming class I asked if I could use my Mac for basically everything and only use Windows when I absolutely have to, and the teacher said yes. We even use .NET core instead of the usual .NET framework, so that’s also good. The only thing that sucks now is that I’m forced to use Visual Studio, and that is a real challenge. VS, sucks, and it sucks even more on Mac! I feel like something is missing, and there is a lot that is missing! I’d really like to use Jetbrains Rider instead but the teacher said no. The reason for that is because VS is the standard practice when it comes to .NET development. Le sigh, but I’ll survive.

But the further I go, the more I absolutely hate it! It’s probably only a matter of time before I start using Jetbrain’s Rider for development, no matter what the teacher says. I mean, I feel I can’t do anything right when I’m using VS. When I do have to develop UWP apps, I’ll use my VB installation for that. Hopefully VS works better in Windows, but I do not want to use that full-time for simple console projects. It’s just not necessary. Or any iOS, MacOS or android project. Is there a shake your head out of disgust smiley, btw? I could really use one now.

This is what I feel about Windows and Visual Studio these days. It sucks! Thumbs down!

After having used VS for several classes now and tasks, I feel utterly handicapped when I use it. And I hate the word “handicapped”, because it’s a very bad word in my world. I use it here to prove a point. It sucks so bad! OMG, so bad it is… How can anyone develop anything using VS on a Mac? I do not get it… VS on Mac does not print out parentesis when you write methods, or finish important stuff that’s easy to forget, like the parenthesis of an if statement. Whenever I want to copy and paste stuff, it always “forgets” about one letter, even if I marked all the words for copying. VS on Mac looks stale and poor as well. It lags, and is slow and have annoying popup’s if I barely tough a piece of code with my mouse pointer. It feels like it’s missing a ton of features to be a viable option for an IDE. It just frickin’ sucks balls to use😤.

And let’s move on to the usual, shall we? Aka Apple products and the never ending story of my purchases of that brand. During the last month, I’ve bought the clear case for my iPhone Xr, the magic trackpad 2 and a set of BeatsX headphones just because I had to. I wrote a little bit about this in this post, and this is the follow up. The clear case is lovely, but hard as hell to remove from the phone. The other day I went to the Apple store in order to buy the BeatsX headphones, and also to get help on how to remove the case from my phone. The guy at the store had no issues what so ever to remove it, but I could not. My fingers hurt like hell, and about 8 hours later, they still hurt. It’s because of fibromyalgia, in case you’re wondering why it still hurts so many hours later. Or even days after… #LifeWithFibromyalgia.

I removed the skin I had on it, my phone that is, because I thought that if I could learn how to remove it and do it myself, it would be easier to change out the skin. I am not very satisfied with my current skin either, and I’d like to replace it. If not with a skin, than with a bunch of custom stickers. However, the guy at the store said that the skin makes the case be even harder to come off, so using a skin, even though I’d prefer that now, is not a good idea it seems anymore. Especially if I have to remove the case myself in the future. So now I’m just having the clear case with the original color of the phone showing. It feels ok, but I would feel a lot better if I could remove the case myself without getting pain in my thumbs. I mean, I primarily use cases and custom cases for my phone, just because I can. The safety aspect is just a bonus. That is why it kinda sucks just having a black iPhone Xr at the moment with nothing to show off my uniqueness to the world.

The other day I also discovered that one of the Swedish carriers offers a plan that I’ve been wanting for like years. The plan for my phone that I have now is a pay-as-you-go plan, and I get 5 GB of data and pay for calls and texts. I call and text very rarely and my monthly bills are usually around $16. Sometimes a little bit lower and sometimes a bit higher, but usually around there, so I’m very satisfied with it. However, I’ve been wanting a fast rate plan for years with the same stuff, aka 5GB at least for around $15 per month, and now I’ve found it. Since I’m also a student, they have that plan as well, but with 8GB data for the same price, so I ordered it today and fetched my new sim earlier the same day as I ordered it as well. The carrier does not support e-sim as of now, but that’s ok. I don’t use it today anyway. I might in the future when all Swedish carriers support it. I hope I’ll be able to get the clear case off of my Xr when it’s time to switch sim cards in a few days…

After I wrote the last post, I already decided that I had to get new headphones, no matter what I really do feel about it. To be honest, I only care about what my bf says, and he dislikes everything Apple purchase I make, but I at least plan my purchases somewhat and I buy them with my own money. I do not take loans to buy the stuff and I buy them because I have a use for them.

If I would not, I’d have bought my MacBook Pro myself, along with an iMac, some Apple TV’s and an  Watch already, because if money was no object and I only had myself to listen to, I’d by the stuff because I felt like it – not because I need it. I’d probably upgrade to the iPhone 11 as we speak, but I don’t do that today. I plan my purchases and only buy stuff I can afford with my own money. Even if money was no object and I’d be single living by myself, I’d still plan my purchases, but I’d probably more likely buy my Apple shit without the anxiety. That’s because I only care about my BF’s opinions and every time I buy an Apple product I disappoint him further. He does not understand the need I have for the stuff, and to be honest – neither do I. I only want stuff that works and makes my life easier.

Apparently Apple products generally is the solution. If Windows/PC products and Android phones would be the solution, then I’d never switch over to the dark side of technology. Nobody gets hurt from these purchases. I do not get sent to the poor house for buying these things. If I did not have the money I would definitely not buy anything. My life only gets easier, as long as the stuff works as intended. However, with both the BeatsX(BX) and the Trackpad(TP2), they have so far not worked as I hoped they would, but I guess time will fix that as well.

If we start with the BX’s… I thought that putting the buds together again with the magnetic thingy that the music or whatever I’m listening to would automatically pause, but no. In order for the audio to pause, I have to turn them off manually, or pause the audio manually. That sucks, for my silly, stupid crap of a brain that does not like any kind of hassle of any sort.

I honestly don’t know what’s worse – not being able to pause the music by putting the buds together magnetically or having to use normal headphones and switch the volume constantly whenever I need to use the laptop etc. They both feel awful, but the BX wins thanks to the W1 chip. That alone makes them worthy enough to keep and learn to live with. Also I was disappointed that I did not get some ear hooks with the BX’s. In the videos I have watched prior to my purchase, they all got some in the box, but I did not. At least not that I’ve found. The ear hooks helps with the buds fitting better into my ears, and I love having them on my OP bullets. The sound has also been flat, but I found out after some googling that the proper size of the tips help with that, so I switched to a bigger pair and the audio is better. They fit somewhat to my ears though, so that’s also annoying. If I keep them, which I want to do, I most likely go look for some ear hooks for them somewhere cheap.

The magic trackpad is awesome, of course but it has one huge flaw I did not dare to think about before I purchased it. The huge flaw is that it is impossible to place in front of my keyboard, because it is much higher than the keyboard. If I place it in front of the keyboard, like it is on every other laptop, it is impossible to type comfortably, since my palms keep on touching the TP2 and placing the mouse pointer somewhere else. Now, for my stupid, silly crap of a brain, it’s too much of a hassle to keep moving it. Due to my fibromyalgia problem, I can’t use it with my right arm (if it’s placed to the right of the keyboard), because then I get aches and pains in my right arm and neck. I have placed it to the left of the keyboard, but then I get basically the same issue I had with the Magic Mouse 2 (MM2), which is like a tick of my middle finger, so it sort of hurts to use the MM2. That is why I bought the TP2 instead, because the MM2 is not super nice to use. It rarely listens to what I want to do, but I think I’ve written about this issue before so let’s move on shall we?

It’s just so annoying that no matter what I do, or buy the stuff I get does not work the way I want it to. For my shit brain that wants everything to work the way it wants it to work, it’s really hard to not be able to focus on anything else, when every tiny thing can turn out to be the biggest thing ever and ruin everything. I do not want to return the stuff I’ve bought. It’s too much of a hassle. I want to use the TP2 and the BX headphones. I’d like to be able to continue to use the clear case for my Xr and switch it out if I feel like it but as long as I have fibromyalgia, that is most likely impossible. I guess I might have to sell it to somebody with an iPhone Xr, because it’s too late to return it to the Apple store. Like I’ve mentioned before, I do like the clear case and I’d like to continue using it, but I hate the fact that it’s too difficult to get the phone out of the case.

If you live in Sweden, have an iPhone Xr and have considered buying a clear case for it, leave a comment below and let me know. You’ll be able to buy it from me for like300 – 400 SEK if you’d like. It cost 495 SEK and I’ve used it for a month. If nobody cares, I’ll keep using it and I want to keep using it if I can find a way to remove it myself without hurting my fingers, but still – let me know if you’re interested.

Now I’ll keep watching a gazillion more videos about the Apple event, and the newest iPhones, because why not? And then I’ll do some more programming tasks I’ve got to do and complain even further about how much Visual Studio sucks on a Mac. What are you gonna do? Let me know in a comment below, thanks!


What I’d like to do in order to become a better developer

If this is the first time you’ve visited this blog, you might not know that I’m striving towards becoming a programmer of sorts. A web developer, software developer or any other kind of developer that daily sits around and “plays around” with code and gets paid for it. I’ve currently finished (except for math class) the first year of college, but since I won’t be able to pass the math class (because of the reality of my situation), I’m focusing on the other Higher Vocation Education(HVE) program I’ve been accepted to instead.

Aka, I’ve done perhaps 4 hours of math in 6 weeks, instead of 4 hours per day like it was planned, so thanks a bunch for nothing I say to who ever feels they need it. I Personally would’ve been a lot better off if I did not feel this pressure. You will learn why in this post. I’ve been too tired and I actually don’t feel like its useful either, so that’s why I haven’t done it. I’m just not able too, so good luck to me on my future and last 2 exams in this math class I promised to take. I’ll celebrate like crazy if I get more than 2 points on either test. Moving on!

In my current education, I’ve learned Java, with MySQL databases and JavaFX and with the new program I’ll learn .NET. Hopefully the core versions where I can continue using my  products instead of that sluggish Windows OS. Bootcamp, sucks because Windows sucks these days in my world. What a cluttered mess! But I’ll use it if the school will really require it, and I’ll hate it and probably complain about it a whole lot. That’s also the only downside to learning .NET, since it’s so windows focused, but I just want to do programming, so I’ll overcome my issues as long as I can code.

During this summer, since the news of me getting accepted to the .NET HVE program, I’ve started to learn as much as possible about this platform. As a n00b in programming languages and the worst debugger ever, I can say that there are a lot of differences between JavaFX and ASP.NET. The similarities are basically the MVC pattern, but otherwise, everything else is different. At least from what I know and have learned from my first year of college. For a start, I can’t find an easy drag and drop system for desktop applications on MacOS. What I mean by that is that everything in dotnet is made with code like css & html instead of placing buttons, fields and labels manually via drag & drop. With JavaFX there’s Scenebuilder, even though it’s buggy as hell. Also with ASP.NET web applications it’s possible to generate and create databases and tables from code, using SqlServer or Sqlite. From what I’ve learned, this is not possible with Java and MySQL. Aka generate a whole database from your model classes and a DB connection class file (DbContext file in .NET)

Let me know in the comments if this is possible. Also I’d like to know if there is a free software (or very, very cheap, like $5 – $10) online able for download where I can manually create relationships between tables (EER diagrams) like you can do with workbench etc. I need this for either SqlServer or Sqlite databases on a Mac. Preferably without using Visual Studio as well. I prefer Rider from Jetbrains…

I’ve mainly tried making ASP.NET web applications, taking one step forwards and two steps back at every turn, but it has made me see my own personal issues a whole lot more than I ever thought possible. First of all, I have zero patience on a bad day. On a good day – I have more than enough. And I have had a lot of them bad days this summer. You can learn why in my previous post. I practically never debug, and if I do, I need help on how to (and where to ) start. I google a lot, but it takes me sometimes weeks to find the right answer for my specific problem. I do not (generally) read books about programming, or other places on how everything works. What I’ve learned about programming, I’ve learned from testing a crap load of different code snippets until it finally works, without the use of git, or commits, so I have no idea on how many things I’ve tried to make that special problem work. Or why it didn’t work in the first place. I’ve also learned it from remembering lectures, or from working with the principles on school projects or tasks. I’ve also gotten loads of help from my class mates or teachers. For example I know the MVC pattern well, and how inheritance works etc (aka object-oriented programming and basic programming in Java), but remembering smaller things is harder since I do have those memory issues to deal with.

9 times out of 10, the solution to my problem is due to one line of code being wrong somewhere in all the classes or methods. This often causes an exception of sorts. Or I’m missing a semicolon, or something very simple. The other day I wen’t completely nuts trying to figure out why I couldn’t customize the Identity framework in ASP.NET core. I’ve been to do this a 100 times these past weeks or something. The problem was a NullReferenceException where I by mistake put INPUT.whatever in the InputModel on the Index.cshtml.cs file where it should’ve been user.whatever instead. The input.whatever is used for actual inputs, like forms, not when you’re trying to access an object. Then you use the object with instance variables and the like. My terminology sucks, so sorry about that. It said user in the tutorial, but I skipped that since that’s what I do (aka never read texts very thoroughly , even though I looked at that code a million times that day.

It wasn’t until about 10 hours later, that I finally calmed down enough that I figured it all out. I felt so frickin’ stupid afterwards. I really do need to get rid of my bad coding behaviors, because this is just really bad. For my mind, my health, my everything… I can’t be a good programmer with these horrible, horrible tendencies and practices. I have to do something about it, preferably long before I get my first real job in this field, or internship.

Since I tend to remove and re-start my projects when I’ve failed way too much instead of just doing everything in a better way, I get too frustrated that I just want to delete everything. But my mind can’t stop thinking about finding a solution to the problem, so when I re-start the project (often like 5 minutes later) with the previous code deleted and I found the solution to the latest problem, I basically have to start from the beginning with everything about 5 times a week, or perhaps more. I did this too when I learned Java, but not to the same extent, since I had tasks to follow and I actually did save all the code. Now it’s gone, since I did a spring cleanup on my computer to save space, when summer started and school was finished, so that was also a stupid mistake. But I do this with everything, deleting stuff thinking I’ll never need it, and then a few, minutes, weeks, months or years after I discover I really do need it and it’s gone and I can’t get it back. I regret so much… Never delete stuff, but don’t become a hoarder is the lesson to be learned here! Just keep your valuable stuff safe!

The good side with this awful behavior is that I’m learning a ton regarding how to make ASP.NET web applications and I have found that I actually do like it, regardless of the behavior I have when learning and doing this code-related thing. The bad stuff is the obvious stuff. I must get rid of it! It’s that my frustration and zero patience gets the best out of me. I’ve never been able to hide it, deal with it etc. It’s been a lifelong struggle and my (huge) anger management issues prevents me from seeing the solution, often staring me in the face in the code I’ve written. I can however control myself so I am not destroying things that are valuable, or hurting others, so it’s not that bad, but I hate what it’s doing to me. I hate this aspect of my life. I just want to get rid of it! It’s hurting me more than it hurts everybody else and I’m so sick of this. It’s sucking my will to live or something… I’ve had more than enough of this craziness. And I want to do something about it before it’s too late. But I don’t know what or even how.

Like I mentioned, the other day I was basically(but not really), pulling my hair out, scaring the cat and the whole neighborhood with my yelling and swearing out of frustrations, because a simple thing I’ve done too many times this past month or so all of a sudden didn’t work. No matter what I did – I could not make it work. It made me crazy mad. Still, instead of taking a break, doing something else for a few hours, my mind works in such a mysterious ways that I find it impossible to stop problem solving. I just have to solve every problem that occurs, or else I go mad. But I go mad in the process, since I basically never know the solution for my problem. Or it’s a catch 22 situation, damned if you do-damned if you don’t situation that prevents me from doing the right thing. It does not help that many tutorials I find online only takes the steps to make an app half-way, so it does not help with my current problem. Only how to make a project a gazillion times if you know what I mean…

With programming, it’s my horrible way to learn it that stands in the way of me getting better and becoming a great developer. I don’t read the books. I don’t watch that many YouTube videos that explains everything – unless I have to for a school task, I google forever and don’t understand what I’m finding out, I test using code snippets I find on stackoverflow instead of debugging (with breakpoints, have not learned unit testing yet), I rarely commit and basically never use git for my personal projects.

For school it’s a whole other thing… Oh, and also – I misunderstand basically everything, I don’t read it all carefully and I skip basically everything I don’t care about, and just go for a code snippet I think could work. I guess in that way I’m a slacker, but I’ve never in my life had the “push” or motivation I’ve needed in order to actually make something of myself. Until I made the decision that I want to become a developer, about 2.5 years ago (somewhere during the spring of 2017). That’s why it’s taken me way too long to become a developer in the first place. A normal version of me would’ve done this over 10 years ago. Also I find reading being very tedious, and I’ve never liked it. It mostly has to do with me not understanding what I read in most cases, or if its fictional, I have a hard time visioning what the books are explaining. The only time I like reading books is if I’ve seen the movie or tv show before, but I still do prefer the visual version of books anyway.

I’m ambitious, I’m driven, I learn and I love learning it. Remembering it is hard due to the fibromyalgia stuff, but still. I love to learn new stuff! I got an A in the latest class where me and 4 other guys in my class made a JavaFX app and I did that without effort. All of us felt it was way too easy to make, and I still feel that way. I do love a challenge, but it’s hard doing it on my own, in my “preferred” loneliness. Or perhaps forced loneliness. When I’m with class mates or getting help around people in general, it goes a lot better, and I do not get this pissed off or frustrated since help is always there. Regarding programming, nobody in my current class have said I’m not doing enough, they see how driven I am, and my ambitious side. They also understand what prevents me from doing more. Having fibromyalgia and being ~50 lbs overweight is certainly not good for my health.

Also having to commute for like 3 hours per day does not help either with my issues, so that would probably be better for me and my health that I don’t have to commute 125 miles per day by train. I can do it, but it also takes a toll on my health since all that traveling makes me tired. If I will change schools this fall to the HVE program, I’m gonna try and see if I can either walk or ride my bicycle to school instead of taking the bus, just to get the exercise in daily in order to help me lose the weight and regain my health. I might take my car some days as well when the weather is to crappy unless the parking is too expensive. Then I’d take the bus, but I’m not planning on getting a bus pass just yet.

I do blame myself in various ways – to a degree. Especially from what I’ve seen me doing since I started learning this new platform. I thought somehow that I’ve learned to calm myself down, let it go and do better after this last semester finished, but no. It’s probably gotten worse. What I personally blame it on is all this crap with the math class that’s been going on for 8 months or so now. You can read all about it in my Swedish blog, if you understand the language or get the gist of it in my previous post, I’ve linked before. I can feel it in my bones that the frustration I currently have, have nothing to do with the actual programming.

I mean, I know I’m missing something when I get stuck and out of extremely bad habits I start to swear like a pirate that never set foot on land, instead of just remaining calm. The things that have happened to me lately have affected me in the most negative way possible. I feel useless, I fear that I have no future, that I’ll never make something of myself, that I’ll never succeed, never will work in this field, have my future Great Dane, live in a house, lose the weight and never regain my health. Or have enough money in a steady income. All because of this stupid math crap, where I’ve actually for the first time in my life done my absolute best to pass and still failed. At least I feel that way. What others think of my performance has nothing to do with how I’m currently in this nightmare. It has broken me in ways others probably will never understand.

I know that I have to calm down, not get stirred up over the tiniest things, not lose my cool, read up on the issue, debug, ask for help, watch the videos and do whatever else I can to get myself back together or just stop when it’s been going on for too long. However, until everything of this bullshit stupid mess is resolved in a few weeks, I guess my bad days will only continue. And they probably will continue for the rest of my life since it’s been going on forever already.

I almost pray that the new HVE program will help me change my behavior regarding this. That in that program I’ll learn how to cope with my frustrations, how to code for real and not get lost every five minutes etc. I mean, if I can never stop this horrid actions of mine, I’ll never be the person I want to be – for real. I’ve struggled with this my whole life and I’ve never – ever had a chance to learn why this is, and how to do something about it. People say “calm down”. Yeah? How the hell do I do that when I can’t see straight, when my voice is so sore from yelling, and I want to do bad stuff to myself or others from all the frustrations I’m feeling (metaphorically speaking). Like I’ve mentioned before – I’d never do such a horrible thing. How the fudge do I calm down in those situations? I do not know, because I have yet to learn how. And I’m 37 years old.

The only thing I know about my anger issues is that they are a part of my family tree and they get worse due to my plethora of illnesses I have. I’m the only one in my (extended) family that suffers from so many issues. The others are a lot healthier than me and they were not born with fibromyalgia or those other issues I have. Several family members have the same problems with anger, but not as severe as me. The difference is that they know when it is time to let it go and do something else for a while. I do not. I keep going until I’m blue in the face and I huff and puff from the anger I’m feeling. And then I keep going. They also do not get totally pissed off from like the zipper on your jacket not working, or the water being too cold. Or something else that is super tiny that nobody should ever even worry about or think twice about. They get angry when they have to and keep their cool whenever else. I get angry about everything on a bad day and I hate it.

A few years ago, I thought that it had to do with my hormones since I calmed down a lot for a few months when I started taking a shot to prevent me getting my period, but that only lasted for so long, so it has nothing to do with my hormones. At least what I know from experience. From what I’ve learned lately, it has more to do with genetics and that my fibromyalgia and other issues just enhances this. Bad habits and a “slacker” lifestyle has also prevented me from doing something about it, if it’s even possible to handle my temper in any way.

If I could change only one thing about myself it would be to get rid of my anger management issues. If I could do that, I’d be the happiest person alive. And that’s a promise, no matter what happens.

So, what should you do in order to be a good programmer/developer? Well, read the books (and everything in them) that the teacher gives you/class demands/you have in your possession, watch good Youtube channels that explains everything, and follow every useful tutorial you see to a T. Debug with breakpoints, do unit tests, use git and commit as often as possible. Do not be afraid to ask for help. Do not delete your code! Keep it safe for future references. Try exercise, taking a walk or cuddling your pet if you have one, or say hi to your kids if that’s another choice when/if you feel a buildup of anger issues coming up. Etc. Etc…

No matter what you do when you’re developing stuff – just don’t do it like I do it, and you’ll probably become a better programmer either way. Medical problems or not – just do not do it like I do it.

I’m gonna spend this summer crying my eyes out…

If you read my Swedish blog, you’ll know what this is about, but for those of you who don’t, I shall explain a little bit what’s going on. It’s about math, and that stupid, annoying math class I’m continuing to fail, over and over again. I’ve failed 4 exams in a row, which are all the exams possible for that class as of now. There are two more in the month of august. I’ve never been able to pass 2 points on the exam out of 18. I got one on the first one, two on the 2nd one, one again on the third and 2 on the 4th exam. With the 3rd and 4th exams I’ve studied as much as I possibly could, but I still went nowhere near a passing grade. The exams are too hard!

After the 4th exam I had a mental breakdown. No matter what I do, it is not enough. No matter what I do, it will never be enough. I feel pointless, useless, stupid and totally broken. Why is that? Because the math exams are so frickin’ hard that if you’re not already a math genius, you won’t pass this class. I have a disability, and I have a document that is supposed to help me pass the classes. The teacher has said no to all of that so I’m completely left to my own devices here, or whatever the expression is. I’ve written a little bit about this before, so re-read that post if you want to know more.

Since this mental breakdown, I have decided for like. the first time in my life that now it’s time to give up. There is no point of going on, since no matter how hard I study, I will never pass this class. The exams are too hard. And for some stupid reason it’s all my fault for not studying enough, for not being able to understand how math works, how to apply an equation to a general life situation. I’ve never had to do that in my life. Math is just stupid math in my book. Even if I know math is behind basically everything in our society, I’ve never thought about it that way. The calculator fixes that for me, or the app I’m using for whatever it is I’m doing, or the computer program. If I wanna drive my car, I press the pedal and steer the wheel. I do not think about math then. I think about driving! etc… If I wanted to know how much a soda costs, I’d ask for the price at the café… not solve an equation! If I’d build a house, I’d hire a building company and pay the bill. My math skills needed for daily tasks I learned before I started high school. Learning and fiddling with programming, I do understand that some more math is needed, but it is not much. And I’ve learned that stuff – from studying, but on an exam I fail to show it because instead of the exam having a normal question that I know, because I’ve practiced how to do it, there’s like a super advanced question, ten times harder to answer, which is impossible to do. Unless you understand math. Which I do not. So I’m screwed. And that’s my fault, and on and on it goes. A catch 22, a slippery slope, a stupid shit garbage situation I cannot get out of. This will be the death of me, surely. It sure feels like it right now. I’m on the verge of crying just thinking about this shit, and still people want me to keep going?! And I will because I feel I must. I do not want more anxiety in my life. Those days must be over! FFS!

I’m not alone in this. Many of my classmates are in this shitty mess. I do have a backup, and that is that I applied to other colleges (2 year, instead of 3) which is called Higher Vocation Education. I’ll become the exact same thing as I would be in this current program, I’ll get internships, and I get to learn and practice programming a whole lot more than in my current college program, plus there is no more math classes, just programming and developing. Just what I want! The only thing I might miss is not having a class in algorithms, but I’d learn absolutely everything I need in order to get a job as a software developer, and that’s what I want. A job, with a salary working with code. Problem solved, duh! Or not.

Higher Vocational Education (Yrkeshögskolan) is a post-secondary form of education that combines theoretical and practical studies in close cooperation with employers and industry. Programmes are offered in specific fields where there is an explicit demand for competence.

Yrkeshögskolan, Sverige

I’ve been accepted to 3 of the other programs, two as a Java software developer and one as a software developer in .NET. I’m going to the .NET one if this math crap never gets resolved. I know Java already, so why not learn a new language and platform? After the breakdown of mine, I’ve lost all sense of purpose regarding basically everything I’m doing. I’m so tired I can’t think, I can’t sleep at night, it takes me forever and I am so confused. I just want to stop. Take a break, take a vacation, do something else. Or just sleep. Still, recent events have pushed me to continue. I do not want to disappoint my darling BF and some friends of ours. They’ve made me to feel I must continue, even if I see no point to do so. I feel forced, at the same time I feel like I cannot disappoint without having anxiety about that too. I still have enough anxiety over this crap as it is. I am not worthy of passing this class. I hate feeling so anxious! I haven’t felt like this for years. It’s like at every corner something is coming to break me down further and there is no way out. The only way out is to proceed, fail, disappoint and never be enough, because I’m so utterly useless. Great feelings to have, right? It’s not fair, not since I’ve done my absolute best and that is not enough. Especially since I’ve not gotten proper help to pass the class and the exams are on a whole other level of accomplishments. The class is so hard, but for no reason. Last year the exams were normal. If I’d take a test from last year, I’ve already passed the class and I would not be in this situation. So I’ve learned my stuff, but it’s impossible to prove due to reasons that are so ridiculous and it just fills me with rage and disgust.

I tried earlier today to study some, but I’m so tired it’s a miracle I know my own name, and that I find my way home if I’d take a walk. I have promised them to do my best, yet again and find the energy to continue, but as long as I’m this tired, it’s a no-go. Blogging and watching tv, blend a smoothie is like all I am able to do. I’ve tried playing around with Java last week, but I’ve forgotten some important stuff so that’s a bit hard as well.

I basically just feel like crying all the time. And I probably will cry anytime and a lot of times until this shit is resolved. Fucking garbage. I hate this crap!

It’s time to start thinking about that first summer job…

Since I started college in the fall of 2018, I’ve had a plan that I’d be looking for work after year one. First I’d like a summer job and if that goes well, I might be doing smaller jobs for that company later on and if not, I’ll be trying to do that for some other company instead. Then in year two I’ll continue to look for employment over the summer and hopefully get one (or just continue with the current company that’ll have me) and it goes on and on. However, during the fall of 2020 I have to have a part time job with a salary at least around $1400 before Swedish taxes, but preferably not more than 10 hours per week of labor. Or some other task that’ll get me some money to be used for rent and such until I’ve graduated in June 2021. One example would be to take care of a website and /or create an app for a company where I get a bigger sum of money that I can use to pay rent and other expenses until I graduate. After that I hope I’ve landed my dream job, if not already long before then but as of now, I think a lot about my future and where to go next.

In order for me to even get a job someday, I have to have a portfolio, preferably a website dedicated to my developer skills and some apps to show off to a future employer. During these few weeks, I’ve started to do just that, but before you’ll feel happy for me, let’s just say it all turned to shit before something good could come of it. I got a web hosting thing started again with the web host I used last time. I need a service like that both for blogging and for development, so access to databases and PhpMyAdmin etc is very useful. However, after tinkering a lot with some code locally on my computer – I noticed and got told that this would not work with my future and current java applications, due to many reasons. This sucks, but somehow I’m glad, because I still do remember why I stopped messing around with stupid web hosts and that shit. Still, somehow it is different now, since I’ve actually started to learn how to do this! Not to mention I’ve always wanted to learn this, so in a way it’s perfect for this since I’m a student now. It’s just shitty no matter what that this happened, but I am glad I got my money back from the web host.

To solve the database problem, I’ve started to play around with cloud services. That is so advanced that I have basically no idea what I’m doing, but I’ve tried following the instructions and no matter what I do, I can’t get my code in IntelliJ to work with an external database. It only works with a local one, which is fine, but I’m lazy and would love if I could have access to an external MySQL database so I could use that DB on whatever computer and/or network I’m on. It works to connect MySQL Workbench etc to the cloud, but the code get’s “access denied” messages or other errors… I think it’s due to me not using the right libraries but I have no idea on how I should do it either. We haven’t been taught this stuff in school yet… at least not how to use external databases.

Still, it is useless it seems and I am not sure that I should be spending my time on this. It might be too early for everything. Many of my classmates say that to find work within IT as a developer after your first college year would be a miracle if it was possible, so many of them will work with other jobs to get some money over the summer breaks. In my current situation, with me having the “ability” to not get a job anywhere else then within IT, I have to take my chances now. Also – I do not want to work with anything else than programming! I am not the best student in class, but I think I know enough to at least try. Also I’ve learned so much this semester, even though I’ve been by myself 90% of the time. I’m amazed at what I know today regarding Java, programming and OOP as well. I still suck at terminology though, due to my memory problems that are explained by my illness Fibromyalgia.

Also, I have a backup plan. If I do not get hired over the summer I shall spend it creating the game I’ve wanted to create for so long and hopefully that will be popular enough so I can make some money from that over the coming years. I do not believe it will be super popular, but I’m mainly gonna make that game for myself. If somebody else wants to play, great! Go buy it! It will be a lot cheaper than you think if I can release it to the public, and most likely not free… In my mind I’d rather pay $1 – $5 and be able to play my match-three games without loosing lives and having to wait or be bothered by ads or DLC stuff. If all goes as planned with that stuff, it will be released on iPad, Steam and perhaps Android and iOS devices with at least a 5.5″ screen. Size does matter for this game… At least in my mind it does. Don’t know about you…

So now you know what I’ve been up to. Let’s hope for the best, shall we? And also, do you have any recommendations on what to do with a portfolio website? I have a Swedish site for this already, but I want one in English as well, but WP on at least is not so useful for this and I do not want to spend more (or any money) if possible. $4 a month for my main Swedish blog is more than enough, thank you very much…

Programming terminology – and why I suck at it…

There are some important words to remember, that I have to learn. That I still haven’t learned, or I keep forgetting them. Damn fibromyalgia!🤬

Words like allocate, processor, expression, value, arguments, constructor, parse and a gazillion others. I’ve studied programming now for over a month, almost two and I’ve learned the “basics” of just programming. I know how to declare variables, arrays and lists. I also (think) I know what they are and how to use them. I don’t really know what they do and what they are for, but I’m gonna learn it eventually. Or I know it, but can’t explain it in words, just in code.

I know what the different loops are and when they are (probably) most useful, but I can’t really explain them. Yeah, same problem even there… If I were to have a discussion with classmates it seems I’m one of the experts, but some days I don’t know a thing or something… The biggest problems I currently have with learning Java and programming in general are the basics underneath the basics and how to remember how you did that thing to get that output. People have also said that you’ll only remember how to program if you keep programming. Practice makes perfect! And that’s true!

For example there is an error I’ve gotten quite often since learning about arrays, and I have no idea why. It’s called StringIndexOutOfBoundsException and I got a tip that if I get an error, I should “read up” until I’ve solved the problem. The problem with my stupid crappy brain is that the documentation to me is often gibberish for my brain so I do not understand the explanation for the problem. As a beginner programming student, that might be fine, but I realized today that I should understand this gibberish and know how to solve it, but I can’t, unless I’ve encountered it too many times and learned how to solve it (or to prevent how to make it happen in the first place) and then I’ve learned it. That doesn’t necessarily mean I know what that error was, but I made sure it didn’t happen again when I’ll run a program.

I’ve noticed that I learn the majority of programming by actually programming and making mistakes, trying to fix them. I do this often the wrong way, by asking others instead of reading the books, googling, visiting stack overflow or reading the documentation. It’s a bad habit I am trying my best to change and I’m slowly improving. Note, that there’s nothing wrong in asking for help, but sometimes I’ve done this first instead of trying to solve something myself or I “cheat” and watch the tutorial video or have a look at the teachers provided source code.

I have to clarify, that often when I peek at the source code, it’s to find ONE way to solve my problem. I often try and try again until I turn blue in the face but the more I try, the more I learn, regarding programming itself, but just not the how and the why or something. My main problem is still to “read up” on stuff and picking up the book is really hard, but I have to try. There is apparently no other way…?

How to remember all of this, all the terminology and such is a huge hassle for me. It’s mainly due to me having fibromyalgia with brain fog as my main enemy besides aching muscles and total body stiffness some days of the week. If it’s not everyday, that is. My muscles basically always ache no matter what. If I’m lucky I can have better days where I remember more and I have the energy to do more as well, but those days are very few if they occur at all. Generally I have maybe two weeks in a year, scattered over the whole year where I feel like I’m on top of the world and can do anything. Most days I’m so tired I don’t know what to do with myself and now as a college student – it fucking sucks to have these disabilities I struggle with!

I understand the basics of programming and I’ve learned a lot I think, but clearly not enough to pass the final exam in a few weeks. If I’m in class and the teacher explains something, I understand what happens, but I do not use the correct terminology for it and I keep forgetting what the words are. I still in the end will learn and understand what I’m supposed to do to solve something, but the solution for it is basically to explain something to me like I’m three years old and in very plain English sometimes. At least on those days where my brain really does not want to work and I can barely find my way home and know my own name…

One example I use is instead of saying something like: “You haven’t allocated enough memory to/for the processor to run the program or installation”, I say “Do you have enough memory?”. See the difference? I know in this situation that you need at least good enough hardware (in this case memory or RAM) in order to do something with a computer, but I can’t find the correct terms to use – so I use whatever words I can find. I still understand (somewhat depending on the fibromyalgia) what’s going on, but how do I prove it using a piece of paper during an examination? That I have no clue on how to fix…

Anyways, that’s what I have to change. I need to speak more using data terms. Otherwise I’ll never learn this properly or get a proper feel for programming, because then I won’t understand it. Not to mention I have to get better at math as well, but yeah – that’s a whole other story to tell…

I also suck at reading. I hate reading, because it’s boring and I seldom learn anything by reading books. I prefer watching stuff, trying it myself, discussing it with others and writing about it. At least when it comes to learning something new, which I basically want to do all the time if I could. I feel that I need a different approach to learning programming, and even if I pass this class, I’m guessing that my knowledge of programming will become enhanced after I’ve done some more creative stuff. I had the idea that I wanted to make a little project of my own, in order to feel creative and “satisfied” wit how I learn everything I’m doing in college right now. The solution would be in my mind to create sort of a super quiz where I use all the knowledge I have regarding programming to ask myself questions about Computer Science as well as programming. I’d make sure to have all the sections in this quiz so I’d learn everything and then I’d answer the questions myself.

This is probably a great idea but there’s a huge problem. I do not have time for it. I barely have time to get to class, “read the books”, and do all the tasks asked of me by the teachers. I spend over 30 hours per week (not included traveling) including valuable time on the weekends to make sure I’ve done all I can for the next lecture or deadline. So far I’ve made it in time, but when that’s done – I’m so pooped the only thing I can do is watch tv, eat something and then go to bed. I haven’t seen a single friend I think since the first week of college, because I don’t have the energy to spend for anything outside of school. I fucking hate it!

I love school, it feels so right but sometimes I wonder if I’ve waited too many years to do this. I did not feel this bad 10 or so years ago when I started college the first time in 2009. My health, even if it was not good, it was not as bad as it is these days. Weight gain and a lot less exercise and interesting hobbies are the result of that, and especially a very poor diet!

Anyway, even if that program was a full-time thing, I did not spend 40 hours a week studying. About 5 – 10 was enough for me in general including lectures and seminars. And it’s been like that no matter what I’ve done in a full-time program at school or work, except obligatory hours I had to spend in middle school and high school. This is the first time in my life where I’m really active, using my brain and most of all – where I actually want to learn something and become something special or “something more”. And if I can – I will do this for about three more years and then hopefully full-time at my future employer.

I felt like crying yesterday, because I thought that if I can’t do this – my only choice is to be poor, probably never able to afford a Great Dane and have lousy, non passionate jobs that a robot can do instead. Also it will mean that I’ll never be able to work more than 20 hours a week… Not that I desperately want or need to work 40 hours a week, but the pay is pretty low when you can only work part-time and only simple desk jobs that are very non-creative. If I could work 20 hours a week and earn like $3000 a month (at least before Swedish taxes), which gives me about $2300 net income, I do not need to work full-time but I doubt I’ll earn that much with so few hours. Just to clarify – that income might seem low to you, but for me it’s like three times as much as I’ve ever made, being unemployed or with a disability pension. I felt like a rich king with my first job, but I did not earn that much in total, but I do not spend money, really. I like saving up, but I’d love to earn a lot more money in the future so I can save a lot more.

Anyway, going back to what happened yesterday, about what I realized. That made me so sad and angry. Not to mention frustrated. I have like 2 weeks or so to study like crazy for the exams. I feel pretty sure at the CS class, but I have to study a whole lot more for the programming class, but as long as I at least can learn the terminology I’m probably gonna pass the class. Since I am a student with a disability I can get help from the college, but I haven’t contacted anybody yet, because I’d like to try first myself. I feel like if I could do some extra credit stuff, I’d could probably earn myself a passing grade, but we’ll see if that’s even gonna be necessary.

I love what I’m doing. I couldn’t want anything else, but knowledge really and some better routines for learning. But it’s fun, challenging and if I make it – the possibilities are endless!

I’ve been a Computer Science student for over a month now…

…and I love it. The classmates are wonderful, the classes are fun and inspiring and the teachers are engaged and awesome. Or something…

I am not gonna say that it’s been easy. It’s a real roller coaster. One lecture could be really great and I understand basically everything. Then another one could be so hard that my brain stops working and I sit there wondering wtf just happened. Luckily, both the teachers and classmates are there to help and that’s great. I’m basically friends with all of them, and that’s totally awesome!

The first weeks were pretty easy with basically no homework or very little to do. Even though it’s was a bit of a slow start I was so tired that I didn’t what to do with myself. Also I have no idea on how I’m supposed to study. I still really don’t know this. I know the basics of course. Go to all the possible classes, do all the homework and/or assignments, read the books and pass the tests. However the only thing that I’m unsure of is how to read the books. Also after going to a bunch of classes it seems a bit redundant to read the books, because the teacher explains everything in detail anyway. And I rarely learn anything from reading books…

I’m so not into reading books. Not even factual based books. When I studied last time at college, I read maybe 5-10% of the books but I made it anyway. That’s because we did not have a classic examination. All we did was write essays and reports. I would not have made it otherwise…

So far, we’ve been learning about algorithms, pseudo code, flow charts and basic programming. In the programming course, we’ve gone through, variables, classes, methods, parameters, arguments, loops, bot while and for loops and many other things I forgot to mention. We’re focusing on Java, if I didn’t mention it before and we’re using IntelliJ for development. Learning programming for real has been a lot of fun, but frustrating and I’ve come to the conclusion that the easiest solution is most often the right and best one. Personally, with my mental blockages constantly being in the way and my aching body hating to commute, it feels like this whole thing is gonna figure itself out by itself. Once I start to remember what everything is and how it’s and should be used, it is gonna become a lot easier. I learn a lot from my classmates, by going to class and I think I’ve learned the most from making mistakes.

The funny thing is that this is probably the first time in my adult life that I realize how different I truly am in regards to other people. I’m different in both good and bad ways. The bad way is kinda obvious. It’s the fibromyalgia that is making everything tougher then it is for most people. Personality wise I’m thrilled that I’m myself and that it’s ok to be who I am, a nerdy “girl” who likes to be around boys or something. Not to be around boys in the traditional sense, more like being around the guys in a friendly way. Who cares? I love the fact that I’m not surrounded by annoying women talking crap about men. The other three ladies in class seems to be as interested in programming as I am, and that’s also great! One of them seems to be a mastermind in math as well. I’d probably talk to her a lot when I have problems with that.

My fibromyalgia is making school hard in the ways that my body is aching constantly. My back and shoulders are more tense than ever. My neck hurts from watching the teacher, no matter where I sit in the classroom. In this school it seems that we’re not using classic college classrooms, like old movie theaters or something, but regular classrooms like in high schools. That hurts my neck a lot. I’m tired all day, especially before and after class on the train ride to or from school, and I’ve been like a zombie at home, trying to do my best to study anyways. During the weekends I’ve actually done a lot, but it seems like all the notes and reading I’ve done won’t help me until I can discuss all of it with classmates and the teachers. I’ve actually done most of my studying during the weekends, because I got nothing better to with my time.

One huge aspect of fibromyalgia is so called “Brain fog”. I haven’t really experienced that for a very long time now before college started. It been months, but now when I’m learning a lot of new stuff, it’s so hard trying to find the words that I feel like an idiot most of the time during class. I bet my classmates notice it too, but I’m honest and say that it’s brain fog, or due to my stupid illnesses that make my life hell 99% of the time. I do sense that it has been easier since I started school, but even then it’s a rollercoaster. I just hope that I can get through this and pass the tests. I’m really nervous about the tests 😬

Just so you know, I’m so sorry that I haven’t blogged until now. I actually started this post just a few days after college started, but it wasn’t until now that I actually had time to post it. I have so much more to tell you, but as long as I am this tired, everything besides eating, studying and sleeping is considered a huge bonus of mine, and blogging right now has to be at the lower end of my list of things to do. I hope you’ve missed me, and that you keep continue to visit this blog even when I’m not blogging. The blog is otherwise completely dead with basically no visitors and nobody seems to use Google either to search for the stuff I’ve written about and that’s been going on for like a year. I find that so weird, but I don’t have time to figure out why that is.

Either way, I’m happy as a college student and I’m looking forward to getting a degree in Computer Science!

A new masterpiece is in the works…

But why do I feel like a total idiot when I’m almost finished with it? For those who have no idea on what I’m talking about, I’m referring to the YouTube video I’ve worked on for like a month, perhaps more. It’s probably two months when you think of the first draft of it. Then after I made that one, Jon Prosser of Front Page Tech and Creative Mindset Podcast made me change my mind and do something better. Now I believe I have, and yesterday evening I let my boyfriend watch it. I wanted him to see it in case he was not satisfied with some details, but he had nothing to add. I had almost counted on him hating the video, since it’s about me being a borderline (or maybe totally obsessed) Apple Sheep. And we all know how much he really dislikes Apple as a company and some of their products, even though he uses some of them himself for work.

I was surprised that he had nothing to say about it. Just because I felt guilty or something and was more prepared to change the whole video, we still had a tiny discussion afterwards, because I probably needed it. The thing is – and probably always has been with me and Apple products the past year, is that it was at the beginning an escape route for my mind in despite of everything. When I got my iPhone as a gift for passing math, I finally felt that I could accept my little obsession and move on, but I only sunk in deeper into the Apple World… We have been able to freely discuss and talk about Apple since then (or since I started using the Mac mini as my desktop) and it has been nice. When the Apple obsession took another step, it was with the MacBook Pro that I got as a gift for getting into college and I was so surprised and happy I did not know what to do with myself. I love this computer. Touch ID is great! And the typing etc… Love it!

The problem is that, even though I have felt on and off that the Apple obsession is starting to decline, it has yet again kicked into gear. The main reason for that is still because of my stupid, silly brain and me being bored of my mind since school hasn’t started yet. It’s less then a week to go now and I can’t wait! I feel that I have a confession to make, but no – it’s more like a declaration or a disclaimer. At least for myself. The video I’ve been working on has been a tiny way for me to focus on something else, but time shall tell if my efforts were good enough for some success at least… Some success means like over 100 true views and a comment or two, I guess but I am not counting on anything! The video is not the confession, though. Read on…

My boyfriend told me yesterday that somehow I have to stop with the Apple products, and I am well aware of that. I will not buy any other Apple products if I know I don’t need them. To be clear, I’ve gotten every Apple product I use either as a gift from him or as a “borrowed” item since we already had some of them in our household. Even still, I can’t stop my silly mind of stalking the Apple Store app and check the prices and specs of iPads, AirPods, the Apple Watch etc… But still, I won’t buy any until I know I will need them. I haven’t so far and I will not do it, no matter how much my brain wants to grab the first opportunity to expand the Apple library. It’s more important to save my money and I know that. Having money is more important than having more Apple products!

Apple products, Tailosive Tech and all other YouTube channels talking about Apple are and will probably continue to be an escape route for my brain whenever I’m to tired or bored to do anything else. Still, I am hoping that college will be the event that changes everything.

This is my confession; I really want and will do my absolute best to study until I can’t stand it anymore. I want and need the computer science bachelor degree I’ll be getting to become my new escape route. To become my new obsession. It has to be that way. Why? Because I have been so bored out of my mind for so long now that I am starting to hate, dislike and get disgusted by my current lifestyle.

My current way of life is basically never leaving the apartment, spending 10+ hours a day watching pointless YouTube videos or movies I’ve seen a thousand times already or “bad” tv-shows. Also it involves eating crappy breakfasts and bad lunches and more crap for dinner, so the weight is not going anywhere. Not to mention that my IBS is not getting better either…

I am alone all day, with my cat as a companion and my BF is at work basically all day. I’m not complaining about that, really. I have no problem being alone, really. I just dislike that I have nothing important to do these days. Even the last year of work was not enough and I had to cut down my hours at the beginning of 2018 due to them not having enough stuff for me to do. That sucked, but I did feel that it was soon time for me to leave that place anyway. Since I lost my job, finished math I have been so bored that I hate myself a little bit. To be honest. Yes. I sort of hate myself and my current way of life. Me. The person who loves doing nothing special and sit and watch TV all day. I guess after 35+ years I’ve finally had enough of that…

I must do more with my life. Earn more money (or at least have a reliable higher income forever) so I can at least have a Great Dane to keep me company. I’d be devastated if I would fail college now, if it turns out to be to complicated for me etc. I need to fill that hole in my head! For those who do not know, I have all my life also felt that I have a hole, a physical hole in my brain that is just empty. Why is it empty? Because it is not filled with knowledge. It is like an area that is just lost, or totally unknown. Also my earlier bachelor’s degree I got in pedagogy just seemed like paying $30 000 in student loans to get stuff I already know on paper. I learned most of my “skills” from that by getting to know classmates and having the current BF by my side, teaching me new perspectives on life.

I think that feeling is why I have led such a simple life, because I don’t know what else I’m supposed to do. I’m so happy with so little. All I need is a TV and a computer with good internet access and I’m good, or something… Every time I wanted to fill that hole, some other crap comes in my way.

If it isn’t peer pressure (for not fitting in and being like every other girl out there) it’s stupid math (that I finally passed after the third attempt after like 10+ years of on and off studies) or some other garbage like my fibromyalgia. Or just life in general. Or as usual – my stupid silly brain that thinks everything but Apple or watching tv is too boring so I am unable to focus on anything useful. Like read a book and preferring that. It sounds like it’s all about excuses, but no. It has always been like that and I guess I’ve always in that sense been to “weak” or something to finally do something. To be clear, I’ve loved living my life like this, doing nothing and not having enough money and just sitting there, dreaming my life away instead of just getting up and do something. And books are boring!

It’s not until now that I have actually started to do something about this, because I have had enough of this crap! I don’t think I was born just to sit and watch TV all day and obsess about domains, Apple products or views/readers/subscribers? Do you? What a waste if that truly is my destiny…

This also reminds me… Not to sound evil, just a fact. The BF told me years ago and he has told me several times that I don’t have a true passion for something. I don’t have a passion for making it on YouTube, as a blogger or anything else. Not even learning code or trying to at least. I just prefer doing something else and I expect imminent success by doing barely enough. Or maybe nothing. I just sit there and dream, instead of making it myself from scratch.

When he told me that all those years ago, I was a bit butt hurt, but now? Now I get it. And it’s true. I did not have a true passion for anything. I believed that doing just “enough” will be enough. Then when I’m done, I’ll go watch TV. I’m like an obnoxious child in that sense. I have always been like that. I’m always bored with anything that’s not watching TV or doing as little as possible. The exception might be when I’m around people I like, but otherwise I’m like “are we there yet?!” and I can’t wait until I can watch TV, play on my phone or sit by the computer and obsess about my useless shit.

It’s hilarious when I think about it now. Who could have known that I’d get to this point? And why the fudge did it take so long? If I played my cards right, I could have gone to a different high school program, passed all the classes needed and have a bachelor’s degree in computer science 10 years ago or perhaps even 15 years ago. My life could have been so different, but due to my life being a really weird and lazy one to live, this is what I have to make due with. I’m kicking myself so hard these days for my stupid mistakes I’ve made in the past…

If I don’t know how to solve a certain thing, and I don’t even know what Google is telling me, how am I supposed to go on? I haven’t, but those days are hopefully over – forever. Now it is time for everything, and I do mean everything to change. I’m done copying and pasting…

It’s time for me to stop obsessing about pointless crap and start to focus on stuff that’s useful – in every aspect of my life. It is time to lose the weight and have a more colourful life. Or something like that. It’s finally time to shine. Become somebody better. A person who knows what to do and does not get frustrated or angry at nothing. I guess my frustration and so many other things in my life is due to that “empty hole in head” feeling. And now I’m gonna fill it. With programming. With Java. With new experiences. Shop Talk or whatever. Learn something useful and actually using that to my advantage because then I know what the fudge I’m doing. Everything now, at least technical stuff has been a guessing game, a copy-paste game or just not useful enough that I can do more.

It seems I’m complaining about nothing, but if you knew what it felt to be me, things would be different. The thing is that I probably also haven’t realised that time actually has gone by. It’s not like I feel any older since I left home in 2001. I just have a lot of crappy memories and lots of time being spent doing nothing. Still, I can’t lie and say that it has been crap. The things that have been truly shitty for me has mostly to do with not having enough money or having really shitty boyfriends (stealing all my money), but life with the current BF of 10 years soon has been lovely. Even though I haven’t really had money, not a Great Dane, moved a lot and only had one single real job in my life, these past 10 years have been the best ones yet. Even though they have meant becoming a little bit fat.

It’s like:

Saying to people that I feel and/or is fat is unthinkable apparently so I can’t use those words without stepping on some toes. The word “fat” can only be used by doctors or obese people. Not by people that really have to lose like 40 lbs (or lose like 12″ around the waist) in order to not get diabetes or a heart attack before they turn 40. People like me. Yeah, that would be rude! But all that crap is news for another day.

I have been happy and in many ways I still am, regardless of weight or anything else. I’m just sick and tired of some things that I want to change.

I really hope that it’s time for that change now. I really, fricking do!

It’s time for some new beginnings…

And it starts with me going back to college! Yep. I got in, but I guess that most of you didn’t even know that I was planning on going back to school either, but it’s true. It’s only been like 5 years or so since I came out of college. I should’ve finished college in 2012, but it took me an additional two years to finish my last essay. That was not my fault, but at last I managed to finish it.

That college education made me a social scientist, specializing in people with disabilities and the job market. I however did not get a job in that field, per say… It’s kind of funny. My first real job actually involved working with a project specializing in just what I’ve gone to college for, but it did not make me work with people in the sense I had planned for myself. And that’s fine! My own disabilities are at “fault” for that. I basically thought of myself as a typical worker at a job agency, but the first job I got was a whole other thing. These days I’m however very grateful for my experience.

It’s just sad that I did not realize I wouldn’t have a permanent future as a social scientist. Technically I could get a job working for the authorities, but I’ve applied countless times and never gotten a response so I have stopped trying. Also, with my current health situation I will never be able to work more than 50% and I can only perform relatively simple tasks, so why bother?

The solution probably lies within the IT business. With who I am as a person and what I’ve always loved doing, I should most likely be a developer if some sorts. I love problem solving and with my years as a blogger, using mainly WordPress as my platform I have developed a huge curiosity for code and development. Unfortunately, due to my Fibromyalgia and restless personality I haven’t been able really to do something about this venture that I’m finally gonna start.

I got accepted into college and if I finish I’ll become a system developer, specializing in Java development. I’ll also get a bachelors degree in computer science.

With this new and awaited start in my life, it is also the perfect time for some other changes. For starters, I am planning to kick start my diet into a WFPB diet that is as vegan, fiber rich and nutritious as possible. With my current health status – I probably have no other choice than eating healthier because I have no idea how I’ll get the strength to study if I do not take care of my health as well.

When school starts I’d be hoping I’d use a MacBook for my studies, but I can’t afford one. Until I can or some other miracle happens I’ll have to make due with our old laptop pc instead. As of writing this, I started writing this post on the laptop but it was so slow and laggy that my domestic partner had to reinstall windows on it and it still keeps bugging out on us. Something is deeply wrong with that laptop and we don’t know why. It is a similar problem that occurred with my desktop pc, but my BF has never had this issue with either the laptop or his own desktop so that makes it all a bit more weird. He finally managed to reinstall Windows on it, but I do not like Windows any longer.

After I’ve used a Mac mini since like April or May of 2018, going back to windows just feels so wrong. I miss the seamless experience that occurs between apple products but hopefully everything will be fine when school starts in a few weeks. Windows is cluttered, messy and it is clearly spying software or something.

I got office 365 with being a student again and I’ve installed it on the Mac mini. On windows, I got a suspicious question if I wanted to let my school change stuff in my computer?! Fortunately I could say hell no to that, but still? WTF?! That’s not cool on a personal computer. Fine if it was owned by the school but we bought it 3 or 4 years ago. This occured before the reinstall of Windows. I’m not sure how much I’ll be needing office 365, so I’ll wait and see until I’ll install it again on the laptop.

Also, on our laptop, it’s been a huge hassle with typing, getting languages to work properly and I miss Safari as my web browser. I’ve installed Firefox on the laptop now, but I miss Safari anyways. It’s not a perfect browser, but this laptop fucking sucks! Or maybe it’s just Windows that i dislike?! I’m writing on it again and I keep touching the touch bar, which makes the cursor move and it gets my words all messed up. I am gonna hate this! Not that I’ve tried using a Macbook ever, but it might be a whole lot better in many ways. With MacOS I at least know where to find everything…

I’m also doing my best to try a new thing, and that new thing has to do with iOS. I’ve been having trouble with Google Photos not uploading photos in the background. According to several sources it is due to iOS being “locked in” and not allowing this, but according to others, it’s been considered a bug. I don’t know what to say, because sometimes it does uploads everything without me having to have the app open in the background and sometimes it does not upload a single thing for weeks – until I manually open the app. I don’t know what to think, but after some googling I’ve decided to do some other thing that many recommends. That thing is to leave apps open in the background and not close them after use.

It’s a bit difficult of a habit to learn, since I’ve done this like always on Android and ever since I got my iPhone SE, but I’m trying my hardest now. If I can change this behavior and let apps be left open in the background, it would make many things a lot easier for me. However, after a little bit of testing it did not help at all with Google Photos. However, the photos I took were uploaded to iCloud and to my Mac mini seconds after I’ve taken them, so the problem remains. For now it makes me want to use Google photos even less, because I’m sick and tired of stuff not working properly! It can be a “good” backup, but nothing else, at least when we’re talking iOS vs Google.

After being an iPhone user with a physical home button for mainly all interactions, I’ve still not gotten used to using a home button. It feels weird, but I LOVE, Touch ID. With this new behavior I’m actually using the home button less, so that’s good. So, what’s the reason to letting apps be left open in the background? Well, that’s because iOS closes apps anyways after like 10 minutes and it uses less RAM if they’re left in the background. They say that if you take a picture with Google Photos in the background, it will wake up the app, but apparently not, but I’ll do some more testing…

I’ve also activated Apple Photos to store my photos and videos in iCloud. I still have like 4 GB left until I have to start paying for the service and I’ve noticed that more than 90% of my photos and videos stored in Google Photos are test videos or random, useless photos anyways so if I were to switch fully to Apple Photos instead, I’d be more careful with photos and videos I’d take. The reason I’m thinking of switching to Apple Photos is because it seems to be a more reliable service with faster uploads between devices, even if I do not use the storage option. Even if I’d start using Apple photos I can still continue to use Google photos anyway because it would be a good backup.

I actually tried to download my whole photo library I have on Google Photos, and I have 50 GB of stuff since like 2011 or something. Some of those photos were taken long before that, but I’m counting since I started using Picasa and then Google photos. If I’d go over to Apple Photos I’d probably take more “quality” photos than just random crap just because I can.

Ok, to sum it up – I have definitively noticed that I love being an Apple user and the Eco system is worth it all, even though it’s expensive as shit. I am starting to change as a person as well, because I am so sick of things never changing for the better. With me being an upcoming student again, I am hoping to change a whole lot more than just prefer being an Apple user. If I succeed, I’ll be a highly paid system/software developer, a WFPB vegan who’s lost 20+ lbs and regained her health and hopefully with a better hold on life than I have right now. I hope to change my behavior as well and learn to read books, not to get angry all the time because I don’t know the solution to things and most of all – I hope this all ends with me having a Great Dane by my side. As well as plenty more Apple products to boot 😂

What are your hopes for your future? Let me know in a comment below. Thanks!

Suddenly my current favorite song has a completely different meaning…

And my current favorite song is Thunder by Imagine Dragons. You can play it below if you have Spotify.

I love this song, for many reasons. The main one is the overall sound of it. I love the bass, the beat, the drums. I never really listened to the lyrics, but after I listened to the latest episode of #CreatorMindset by Jon Prosser, I was yet again moved by his words on how to be a better creator. This time I was inspired, instead of disappointed (or something). In my two last posts about being a YouTuber I contemplated stopping completely at being a creator on YouTube. Today I feel a bit different. I still wonder if I should upload my latest “non-masterpiece”, but I like what I’ve done, even though it’s far from the best. I might rewrite it and do a re-shoot, but we’ll see…

In the podcast, Jon said that the importance of what you create is not the content. It’s you. Why should people care about you? What makes your shit so special, in comparison with all other YouTubers? If a genre is in example here, Jon used Tech channels, since he’s got one himself. I, personally have no clue on what type of YouTuber I am. I want to make it all, it seems, but best is to have a theme. If that is the case I guess I’d like to make educational videos, but I have no idea on how I am supposed to make people care.

What’s special about me? Well, I’m a 36 year old woman, who hates being a woman as well. I suffer from Fibromyalgia and other illnesses. I want to become a “Whole Foods Plant Based” vegan. Now I’m just an unhealthy vegetarian with like 40+ lbs to lose. I want to lose weight and prove for others how it can be done if you’re as lazy as me and have disabilities standing in your way of success. I also want to become a developer, this late in life and I’ve been waiting for a Great Dane for over 20 years. I’ve been “poor” almost my entire adult life and I hate reading books and math is awful. I can’t climb trees, I’m afraid of the dumbest things, really and these days I seem to turn into a whole other person when I turn on the camera to make a video.

How can I make videos with all that in mind? If I take the song, Thunder in mind it sort of also explains a bit about myself. At least when I was younger. I was being bullied – for everything I did or said. Everything was wrong, even if it was the right thing for me. People loved to tease me, yet I couldn’t do much because back in those days you were supposed to be “a girl” and fit in no matter what. I did not fit in. I still do not really fit in and I love not fitting in. And I like to point that out in my creations. I am not like you, and I’m darn proud of it! Or something.

I am quite respected as a person these days and haven’t been bullied for like 15+ years now. I also do not feel most women feel, with all the feminist crap going on. I feel I get the respect I need and I hope it will be the same when I’m a developer. I don’t see a reason why that would change. If it did, it’s probably because of individual assholes who do not like me and I guess that’s fine? Eh, who cares… I’m getting off topic here.

Since I listened to the podcast, I’ve had a thousand different feelings rushing through my head. I’ve wanted to do a rant recording on why you should care about my crappy videos. But since most people wouldn’t watch anything I upload, why should a ranting video be any different?

I’ve noticed I have a style of doing videos. With the manuscripts I save so much time, with both editing and managing subtitles. The downside is that most of the time I look like a robot. At least these days. Look at these two videos below. Can you tell a difference on how much I’ve changed?

And here’s two years later:

On a positive note, the old video I really do see as a masterpiece of mine. Today, while writing this post I watched it again and I love it. That’s my true style of making Youtube videos. At least the somewhat educational ones.

The style of the videos I plan to make now are all the same. It’s like “my current life looks like this – but first a bit of annoying history”. I never really get to the point either. That’s something I know after I’ve re-read some of my newly made scripts that I plan to use sometimes. I am totally clueless, both when I write the scripts and when I do the shooting and editing. I forget so many things and I think I’m writing a masterpiece in the making that thousands of people will love. Nothing could be further from the truth. I make crap videos, that’s for sure!

I wonder if I’ll ever be able to go back, or at least get better at making YouTube videos. It would be so much fun if I could!

Now I wonder, what the fudge shall I do next?