So relieved, yet so bored…

I just had an amazing experience during a livestream from one of my current favourites on YouTube, Tailosive Tech. Otherwise known as Drew. With amazing, I might be overstating it a bit, but it was pretty cool. I finally was able to get some bits so I could donate a little and ensure that my comment or question is read and answered by him. It took a while before I could come up with a good one, but then somebody asked about stalkers so I figured I’d let him know a little bit of how I’m feeling in this whole thing.

With Drew and the whole Tailosive/Apple shebang I have felt that I’m his only loyal fan or something, even though I know I’m not the only one. I’m like (whenever I try to get in contact during a livestream or on Twitter):

“hey, it’s me from Sweden. Do you remember me? Do you know who I am? Of course not…”

Or something like that. Not really, though but it sure feels like that’s how I act way too often with him. I feel really stupid sometimes, but my stupid brain and I have started to figure out that as long as I’m respectful to him, everything should be fine. And I do my very best to make sure I don’t do anything stupid… That’s why I’m so happy that I got the answer I needed today so I can move on and focus on better things.

To be clear. I am not a stalker. I am not stalking him. And that makes me feel so relieved. If I’d ever be close to do something like that I don’t know what I would do with myself. He’s such an inspiration, but if I go back and think how the last year has been for me and how much he and his talk about Apple and other things have helped me, I have sometimes felt like a stalker. Or something like that, but I am sure that is not true and never has been.

I am pretty sure, however that he doesn’t believe how much he has helped me the past year. I mean, how could he know? Seeing him speak reminds me of what I can and want to become, especially online. I could be that great at having an opinion, because I am like that in person. Just not in front of a camera, and especially not with a manuscript. I have tried making videos without a script, but then it by default becomes even more boring and I don’t like that. The difference would be if I could have a podcast with invited quests or be a guest myself so I can show my true personality. It’s during those discussions I truly shine – at least as long as I can get my message through without stepping on people’s toes and not getting them upset.

As a blogger, showing my true self is easy, but on video? That’s a real struggle…

I am currently working on a YouTube video that I hope will be released before I start college in a few weeks. It has taken me weeks to do this video, but the reason for that is due to many things. Mainly because what Jon Prosser has started  to say in order to help smaller creators become better on YouTube.

It has made me evaluate everything I have done and what I’m about to do as a hopeful content creator. I don’t know and I certainly don’t expect to succeed, but with Jon’s help, I’m at least starting to improve, but if it will gather views – I am really not sure. I am doing this particular video as a pure experiment.

It’s an experiment in two ways. One – to see if I do better with this one. Two – if preparing every single detail possible, until perfection will make me a better content creator. With perfection I mean, as far as I can go with my manuscripts and an iPhone SE to record it all with. Not to mention my “schizophrenic” personality that always seems to occur these days when I put myself in front of a camera. I am more natural at speaking in person as I am in front of a camera now, and I hate it. I wish I could be as natural there as I am in real life, but more experience will most likely help with that.

Anyway, with the video I am making now, which is basically all about me being a borderline Apple sheep, I have to mention Drew in the video. I asked him today if that was ok, and it was! That made me so relieved and happy. Also inspired, and I could really use some of that now… Hopefully I’ll record the rest of the footage tomorrow and the edit will be finished before the week is over.

Now, to talk about the “being bored” part. In less then two weeks, I’m off to college. I can’t wait! I’ll go deep into Java programming during the school years and I hope that I’ll master every class and don’t find it too hard to learn. It would really make me sad if it turns out that I’m not made out to be a developer. Until college starts, I’m climbing the walls here because I am so bored. I just wanna start learning how to code!

The best part of my day is usually during the mornings, after my BF has gone off to work, because then I usually have at least an hour of awesome YouTube videos to watch. Those normally include Drew and Jon, but also many other Tech YouTubers who talk Apple products and other interesting stuff. When those videos are done being watched, I basically roll my thumbs all day long, surfing the web, trying to find more Youtube videos to watch, and I mostly succeed, but lately even that’s a struggle. I consider it a miracle that I can manage to spend my days and that the hours actually go by.

Today I was also thrilled that Drew went online with his daily Tech stream two hours or so earlier than usual. When the BF’s home it’s a bit easier as well for a while. As long as we eat dinner and watch a movie or a good show – everything is fine, then when that’s over it all starts again and I am bored out of my mind trying to find whatever I can do to. I really want school to start so I can focus on programming at least! I have to do something more or I’ll go nuts soon! If I haven’t already that is…

Only time will tell…

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Suddenly my current favorite song has a completely different meaning…

And my current favorite song is Thunder by Imagine Dragons. You can play it below if you have Spotify.

I love this song, for many reasons. The main one is the overall sound of it. I love the bass, the beat, the drums. I never really listened to the lyrics, but after I listened to the latest episode of #CreatorMindset by Jon Prosser, I was yet again moved by his words on how to be a better creator. This time I was inspired, instead of disappointed (or something). In my two last posts about being a YouTuber I contemplated stopping completely at being a creator on YouTube. Today I feel a bit different. I still wonder if I should upload my latest “non-masterpiece”, but I like what I’ve done, even though it’s far from the best. I might rewrite it and do a re-shoot, but we’ll see…

In the podcast, Jon said that the importance of what you create is not the content. It’s you. Why should people care about you? What makes your shit so special, in comparison with all other YouTubers? If a genre is in example here, Jon used Tech channels, since he’s got one himself. I, personally have no clue on what type of YouTuber I am. I want to make it all, it seems, but best is to have a theme. If that is the case I guess I’d like to make educational videos, but I have no idea on how I am supposed to make people care.

What’s special about me? Well, I’m a 36 year old woman, who hates being a woman as well. I suffer from Fibromyalgia and other illnesses. I want to become a “Whole Foods Plant Based” vegan. Now I’m just an unhealthy vegetarian with like 40+ lbs to lose. I want to lose weight and prove for others how it can be done if you’re as lazy as me and have disabilities standing in your way of success. I also want to become a developer, this late in life and I’ve been waiting for a Great Dane for over 20 years. I’ve been “poor” almost my entire adult life and I hate reading books and math is awful. I can’t climb trees, I’m afraid of the dumbest things, really and these days I seem to turn into a whole other person when I turn on the camera to make a video.

How can I make videos with all that in mind? If I take the song, Thunder in mind it sort of also explains a bit about myself. At least when I was younger. I was being bullied – for everything I did or said. Everything was wrong, even if it was the right thing for me. People loved to tease me, yet I couldn’t do much because back in those days you were supposed to be “a girl” and fit in no matter what. I did not fit in. I still do not really fit in and I love not fitting in. And I like to point that out in my creations. I am not like you, and I’m darn proud of it! Or something.

I am quite respected as a person these days and haven’t been bullied for like 15+ years now. I also do not feel most women feel, with all the feminist crap going on. I feel I get the respect I need and I hope it will be the same when I’m a developer. I don’t see a reason why that would change. If it did, it’s probably because of individual assholes who do not like me and I guess that’s fine? Eh, who cares… I’m getting off topic here.

Since I listened to the podcast, I’ve had a thousand different feelings rushing through my head. I’ve wanted to do a rant recording on why you should care about my crappy videos. But since most people wouldn’t watch anything I upload, why should a ranting video be any different?

I’ve noticed I have a style of doing videos. With the manuscripts I save so much time, with both editing and managing subtitles. The downside is that most of the time I look like a robot. At least these days. Look at these two videos below. Can you tell a difference on how much I’ve changed?

And here’s two years later:

On a positive note, the old video I really do see as a masterpiece of mine. Today, while writing this post I watched it again and I love it. That’s my true style of making Youtube videos. At least the somewhat educational ones.

The style of the videos I plan to make now are all the same. It’s like “my current life looks like this – but first a bit of annoying history”. I never really get to the point either. That’s something I know after I’ve re-read some of my newly made scripts that I plan to use sometimes. I am totally clueless, both when I write the scripts and when I do the shooting and editing. I forget so many things and I think I’m writing a masterpiece in the making that thousands of people will love. Nothing could be further from the truth. I make crap videos, that’s for sure!

I wonder if I’ll ever be able to go back, or at least get better at making YouTube videos. It would be so much fun if I could!

Now I wonder, what the fudge shall I do next?

A clarification on what I hope my future will look like.

After I wrote the blog post yesterday, I was completely blown away of the likes and retweets I got on Twitter. Also, I’m amazed at the number of readers and likes here on WordPress. Thanks, guys! One of the biggest things that happened was when I was writing the post yesterday and noticed that Jon, from FPT and the podcast #CreatorMindset actually replied to me on Twitter and even retweeted some of my stuff! That is heartwarming. Huge thank you to Jon, for that!

Anyways. I felt that I should continue this tiny success with another blog post, and clarify some more and also write a post with a happier feeling. Or some shit like that, at least…

As a creator, a blogger and a hopeful YouTuber I do have a vision of what I’d like to achieve. I bet we all have those visions. The difference is if we’ll be able to make them. For me, my vision won’t become true until I’ve got my Great Dane, or at least I know when I’ll be able to buy him. It is so clear in my head what I’d like to do when that day finally arrives. If I should mention it here, somebody might “steal” my idea, but I really don’t care about that. I just want to see it happen, is all. Actually, I’ve been waiting on a YouTube channel that will document the life of a Great Dane in every way that I plan to do it, but I’ve yet to seen it happen. The only channel that has come somewhat close was Honey the Great Dane who unfortunately has gone to the rainbow bridge… All the videos from Honey have been removed as well. A new channel has emerged, that might be a success as well, Finn the Great Dane along with Magic, his older “brother”. The really popular channel Max and Katie the Great Danes, upload videos frequently, but they’re only shorter videos, with low audio and basically the same clip over and over again. Unfortunately both Katie and Max has gone to the Rainbow bridge, but the channel seems to live on with a new sibling.

Actually, my future as a better YouTuber will most likely just contain videos recorded in HD, professionally edited and with the tiny details in mind. The video below gives you an example of what typical videos would look like, when there’s no talking involved.

I’d like to make great looking “vlogs”, training videos, talk about food, the importance of breeding dogs the right way, myths about Great Danes and other dog related myths. I’d like to make videos on how I teach my first Great Dane to be my service dog. If he’s able to come into work with me, I’ll show that. All while making it look as professional as possible. With professional, I mean that I’ll never record shaky video, vertical (horrible, awful vertical videos. Yuck!) and I’ll make sure the audio is great and that the footage will not be boring. When I do educational stuff, it should look professional as well, maybe with the help of a green screen?

My concept of vlogs is also not really the way people usually do it, like walking around holding their phone and showing stuff randomly. I might have sequences of that, but the whole vlog would most likely be me in front of a solid background talking about important stuff. Like a TLDR or something. Or like TomSka’s Content series. I hope that will be achievable someday.

Also, to be clear, I do not sit here and wish I could become a full-time YouTuber. No, way! Even if I would make it, I’d most likely do that as a spare-time thing. My real hopes and wishes regarding my future, is my future as a developer of some sorts. Whether it’s creating apps for a living, make software, making games or just work with CMS’s all day long – I don’t care! As long as I know I can work with something I’m passionate about, and also hopefully something I can be good at while making money and afford a Great Dane, I’m happy! That’s why I think that having the best of two worlds might be possible someday. While I’m waiting eagerly to get a Great Dane, I might be able to do videos like the channel sillysparrowness used to do on YouTube, before she lost access to her channel and stopped uploading. Those videos were great. Down below, there’s an example video of hers.

I’d like to do something similar, but in that case about me, learning to code as a somewhat disabled and “returning-to-school” person. For those of you who don’t know, I already have a bachelor’s degree in pedagogy. It took me 5 years to finish college, because of stupid teachers tearing my bachelor thesis apart. And it did not give me a job. Well, it’s not mainly due to the college program, it’s mainly due to my disability. I’ve applied for numerous job that I technically can have because of my degree, but since I haven’t worked that much and am sure that I can’t work full-time, nobody will even consider me. Also I’ve found out that I can never ever work full-time in any other business then IT business, so that’s why I’m going back to college and hope I can take my chances of working at least more than part time in the future.

To clarify something more, my last job, which also was my first real job – I got because of my personality and it was an adjusted work place, or whatever the term is. I worked at a non-profit organisation where most of the employees have some sort of disability. That place aims to make the world a better place for everybody, especially those with disabilities. It was great working there, but my job assignment was often way too simple for me and with my experience, my disabilities etc, I’ll probably never be able to get a more demanding (aka creative) job unless I switch careers. That’s why I’m going back to college, and I’ll know in a few weeks if I got in.

Until I’m there – I just hope for the best and during this time I’ll consider what kind of videos I should make, or if I should make any of them in the first place. The video about me being a border-line apple sheep is in the making and I’d really like to upload that one to YouTube. At least as a test, or a continuing experiment, but I might have to do some more editing until it’s ready for uploading.

Well, that’s it for now. Thanks for all the likes, retweets etc.

What the fudge am I supposed to do to get noticed around here…

I’ve been thinking about writing this blog post for a while now. At least for a week or something. In my crazy mind, that’s like forever or something, but it seems like, for total other reasons than my original thoughts, I have other reasons to write this blog post as well. I’m writing this with sadness, as well as hope, and I’ve got some people to thank and “blame” for that. But mostly thanks.

A post can take anything from a few minutes to write to several days depending on how much time I spend thinking about what I wanna write. As a blogger I write posts to get stuff out of my head. To make my head (or stupid brain) be quiet. I have found since I started blogging for real in 2009 that it’s basically the only thing that makes my brain go quiet and calm down. I have to write stuff down to not go totally nuts! That’s why blogging is a great tool for me. It’s my own personal therapist or something…

As a blogger, I have never really cared about how I write stuff or who I write it for. This goes for all my blogs I’ve had in the past, present or future. Even this one that actually has somewhat of a theme. As a blogger I basically start all my posts right at the top of my head. Then I just write. I write until I feel I’m finished with the post. I check everything, several times and change or add stuff if it’s needed. I add categories, perhaps a photo or a relevant video, I add some tags and then I post to social media platforms. Then I hope people will read it and learn something. These days people are caring less and less and I know why. It’s because of mistakes I made by changing blogging platforms too often, switching domains and web hotels as often as one would change his shirt and not having a proper theme. I never feel “finished”, because when I do feel that, I tend to change something anyways and I’m back to square one. Because of this I feel that those people who used to read my blogs a lot back in the day have started to put less faith in me, and therefore do not care as much as they used to. Really, that’s fine, but inside I’m desperate for readers, comments and maintaining a growing readership. Something that will probably never happen – until I have learned from my mistakes for real. I always think that day is today. But it’s never that easy…

As a YouTuber, I should probably never even have started creating videos. I’ve probably mentioned this way too many times already, but for a little history lesson – I’ll update you as best as I can for now. Basically I’ve uploaded and created so many videos I do not know where to start. I started the first channel in 2009 or something like that and managed to gather quite a little following. A following that wasn’t enough for me. And then we’re talking like 100+ subs! So I quit. Erased the channel. Stopped uploading. Went quiet. Until somewhere around 2011. then I started a new channel again. Less people cared, even though I spent a lot of time editing those videos and coming up with “amazing” ideas for videos. So I quit. Erased the channel. Stopped uploading. Went quiet. Until somewhere around a year later and then the cycle continues.

Where I am now I can consider myself being a realistic Epic Failure or something. I know where I went wrong, but I don’t know how to fix it. It didn’t help that I managed to create a bunch of videos about the Inman Aligner treatment that got me a lot of views and some new subscribers, only to change the theme of the channel completely too many years to soon. Instead of having a general “bad vlogging” channel about dentistry, I changed it to be all about Great Danes. That’s a dream of mine I’ve had since YouTube came along, but there’s never been a Great Dane in my life I can call my own. And now, since sometime last year or so there won’t be until I’m like a full-time employee as a system developer, which will take at least 3 more years until that will happen.

When I realized that I won’t be getting a Great Dane now, both my current channels died out and I haven’t really done anything to them, until recently. I figured that I’d at least upload general videos about “whatever” to my current “main” channel, but I guess I changed my mind again. And this I’ve done for a great reason, I guess.

I’ve recently started to listen to a lot of podcasts. I find this hobby of mine to be somewhat of a miracle, since my brain can never focus hard enough to read a book instead, but listen in on interesting conversations seems to be a lot easier. That’s why I like listening to podcasts now. Especially after having an iPhone because iTunes is simply the best service for podcasts in my view! And also because I’ve become somewhat obsessed with Tailosive Tech and other related channels like Front Page Tech and Painfully Honest Tech etc…

Today I listened to the newly created Creator Mindset, that’s made by Jon Prosser from the YouTube channel Front Page Tech. Holy shit, did I learn something. It made me sad when I listened to it, but also even more realistic. To be clear, I’ve never intended for blogging or making YouTube videos a thing that I could make money from. If that would ever happen, I’d probably do a whole lot of sponsorships, use Patreon instead of Adsense, sell merch etc. However, like I’ve stated before in this post, I am a blogger and a bad YouTuber who “never learns from my mistakes”. Or at least not let other people know that that’s true or something. I get the feeling that viewers and readers do not trust me.

I’m starting to feel like a stalker or some shit, but I can’t help loving the content I’m watching from so many awesome tech channels these days. It’s basically no wonder why I feel so obsessed with these tech YouTubers. It’s because I feel a connection to them. They have opinions and keep discussions in a way that’s similar to mine. They’re not scared of having opinions. They’re funny guys as well. I mean, I’m in heaven whenever I watch or listen to their stuff! Even though I’m probably old enough to be Drew’s mother or something like that… It’s thanks to them I got motivated and kept the strength I needed to get a passing grade in math during the spring of 2018. Drew, taught me to look at technology from another perspective and respect it. Jon, from FPT made me realize and confirm that it’s ok to be friends with people who have different opinions. Painfully Honest Tech creates videos, even though he’s not in his twenties…

This specific blog have gotten a few followers, and I’m so thankful for that. If I’m lucky I can get like 7-10 readings of a post. But then – when I do not write, the blog is absolutely dead. I mean 0 views when I’m not writing a post. Sometimes it can go weeks before I write something, and if I’ve been lucky in between those posts, I might have 3 readers, but none from Google searches and basically I’ve gotten one comment since I started this blog. I wonder why that is, but I know that it’s because I suck at basically everything that Jon said in that podcast of his. I wonder where my readers are, where my YouTube viewers are. Where my comments are. I’ve done this for years, mind you! Nagged and nagged until I’ve gotten blue in the face. And with each single post or whining about this crap, people have started to care less and less. With their equal and fully right to do so. So I’ve stopped doing that, the nagging that is. It hasn’t really helped my content get noticed, though… But it sure helped my mind to focus more on how to be a better blogger.

Basically only my closest friends and family follows my blogs on Facebook. I rarely get readers from outside my IRL friends. People on YouTube and perhaps other platforms are still expecting update videos about the Inman Aligner, when I’ve made several videos stating that my other channel will only be about Great Danes from now on. People don’t seem to get it. And now I get it…

It’s basically impossible to “become famous” or whatever the term you might use is, if you only do stuff for yourself. I get why I have to and need to blog about my thoughts, because I do need to do that. The price I have to pay for that is that nobody cares, or if they do, they do not let me know how I helped them get better at something. I know that I will only become “famous” or get noticed in bigger circle the day I have a proper theme. On YouTube that will be the day when I know my future first Great Dane is on the way. I might not be a big channel, but my bar is low. Even if I’d reach just a little bit more, I’d be satisfied. At least for now. If I’m being realistic I know that there’s less chance to make it no matter what, but I don’t care. I really want to be a creator – in so many ways.

I personally think that I create masterpieces, but those masterpieces are only masterpieces in my head, because they haven’t led to any kind of success. When I make YouTube videos, I’m doing it for two reasons. One – because I want to make them for myself, because I like the process (editing and writing manuscripts is so much fun!). Two – because I hope that people will learn something, be inspired or at least start to care about other people’s point of view. Hey, my tagline is generally “I like to make people think”. But no matter what I try to do – only I care about my creations in the end. And I guess that’s fine?

So, my dilemma as of now is – what do I do next? I have a YouTube video in the making about my current life as a border line Apple sheep, but after listening to Jon’s podcast – I’m reconsidering if it’s even worth uploading. Chances are nobody will care about it. I will make up half the views by just spending time on making subtitles. If I spend “that much time” and I’ll get nothing back for it – then it probably means I’m not good enough for YouTube. And I guess that’s fine? It makes me sad and angry that I am currently in this situation. My mistakes got me to this situation. If I’d sit tight and just kept my original channel and kept uploading content, I might have had thousands of subscribers by now and I might have even been one of the “bigger ones” on YouTube. Making videos could even be considered an income on the side, if I’d play my cards right, but instead I kept making mistakes and now when I really seem to care – it’s too late?

I know that my last video was garbage. The next one probably is too. The third one and probably every single thing I upload in the future will be a bunch of crap, but that’s life. I have basically never been good at anything. The things I am “good at” don’t really mean anything. Not in a professional life, because my “skills” haven’t gotten me a job because of it. I’m great at speaking in front of people. Making speeches. I’m like fluent in English, even though I’m Swedish. I’m funny and I make people laugh. I basically always have a different opinion then most common folk. I am not afraid of having an opinion.

I’ve always had a busy mind, but I’ve never been able to draw, write a book, make a successful YouTube video. I’ve been on TV, on auditions, and I’ve sung in front of millions of people watching. But I’m no singer. I can’t sing for shit. So I’ve stopped doing that. I haven’t officially sung a song in like 10 years or something. I realized I can’t sing, so that’s why I stopped doing that, even though I loved singing back in the day.

Basically everything I’ve ever loved doing, I suck at. Basically everything that’s more useful – I find boring or too challenging. I can’t sing. Can’t draw. Can’t code (yet). Can’t make useful YouTube videos. Can’t make people love my writing etc. Can’t do shit… But I’m sort of ok with that. It’s not only that I can’t do shit. In most cases, I have physical and mental blockages that stops me from doing these things. I can’t do anything really about those. I did not choose to be born with illnesses and be disabled the way I am.

However, I want to express my thanks and gratitude for listening to that Podcast Jon made. It really made me think and evaluate what’s important. Is it important for me to be a famous blogger? Be known on YouTube as the GreatDaneManiac and get recognized on the streets because my channel is so awesome? Well, not really.

The only thing I want and have wanted for years is a Great Dane, a stable income with a passionate job and a loving partner. I have the last thing❤️, but my 20+ years longing for a Great Dane is more my life story than anything else. The only real job I’ve ever had just ended, and it was not a secure job either, so having a Great Dane while working there would only have ended in misery… It’s hard to make continuous videos about that. Not to mention blog posts. That’s why I’ve sort of stopped, because I can’t really spend time on stuff that nobody besides me cares about.

I do have a clear vision of what my future as a somewhat successful YouTuber would look like. If I can achieve that someday, I know I’ll make it, but it will take something I do not have in my possession today. First of all I’d need a Great Dane. Then only time will tell.

Maybe it will be different the day I start college again? Maybe then I’ll make videos on what it’s like to study software development as a disabled student? Maybe everything will be ok when I can finally afford getting a Great Dane and I start documenting in a really professional way what it’s like to live with a Great Dane… Nobody on YouTube have yet to manage that. I’d like to be the first one! I have really no idea, but until then – I think I’ll stop making any kind of YouTube creations because I do not think I’m made for it anyway. At least not the way things are right now.

No matter what people I know IRL says to me about my mad skills…