A new masterpiece is in the works…

But why do I feel like a total idiot when I’m almost finished with it? For those who have no idea on what I’m talking about, I’m referring to the YouTube video I’ve worked on for like a month, perhaps more. It’s probably two months when you think of the first draft of it. Then after I made that one, Jon Prosser of Front Page Tech and Creative Mindset Podcast made me change my mind and do something better. Now I believe I have, and yesterday evening I let my boyfriend watch it. I wanted him to see it in case he was not satisfied with some details, but he had nothing to add. I had almost counted on him hating the video, since it’s about me being a borderline (or maybe totally obsessed) Apple Sheep. And we all know how much he really dislikes Apple as a company and some of their products, even though he uses some of them himself for work.

I was surprised that he had nothing to say about it. Just because I felt guilty or something and was more prepared to change the whole video, we still had a tiny discussion afterwards, because I probably needed it. The thing is – and probably always has been with me and Apple products the past year, is that it was at the beginning an escape route for my mind in despite of everything. When I got my iPhone as a gift for passing math, I finally felt that I could accept my little obsession and move on, but I only sunk in deeper into the Apple World… We have been able to freely discuss and talk about Apple since then (or since I started using the Mac mini as my desktop) and it has been nice. When the Apple obsession took another step, it was with the MacBook Pro that I got as a gift for getting into college and I was so surprised and happy I did not know what to do with myself. I love this computer. Touch ID is great! And the typing etc… Love it!

The problem is that, even though I have felt on and off that the Apple obsession is starting to decline, it has yet again kicked into gear. The main reason for that is still because of my stupid, silly brain and me being bored of my mind since school hasn’t started yet. It’s less then a week to go now and I can’t wait! I feel that I have a confession to make, but no – it’s more like a declaration or a disclaimer. At least for myself. The video I’ve been working on has been a tiny way for me to focus on something else, but time shall tell if my efforts were good enough for some success at least… Some success means like over 100 true views and a comment or two, I guess but I am not counting on anything! The video is not the confession, though. Read on…

My boyfriend told me yesterday that somehow I have to stop with the Apple products, and I am well aware of that. I will not buy any other Apple products if I know I don’t need them. To be clear, I’ve gotten every Apple product I use either as a gift from him or as a “borrowed” item since we already had some of them in our household. Even still, I can’t stop my silly mind of stalking the Apple Store app and check the prices and specs of iPads, AirPods, the Apple Watch etc… But still, I won’t buy any until I know I will need them. I haven’t so far and I will not do it, no matter how much my brain wants to grab the first opportunity to expand the Apple library. It’s more important to save my money and I know that. Having money is more important than having more Apple products!

Apple products, Tailosive Tech and all other YouTube channels talking about Apple are and will probably continue to be an escape route for my brain whenever I’m to tired or bored to do anything else. Still, I am hoping that college will be the event that changes everything.

This is my confession; I really want and will do my absolute best to study until I can’t stand it anymore. I want and need the computer science bachelor degree I’ll be getting to become my new escape route. To become my new obsession. It has to be that way. Why? Because I have been so bored out of my mind for so long now that I am starting to hate, dislike and get disgusted by my current lifestyle.

My current way of life is basically never leaving the apartment, spending 10+ hours a day watching pointless YouTube videos or movies I’ve seen a thousand times already or “bad” tv-shows. Also it involves eating crappy breakfasts and bad lunches and more crap for dinner, so the weight is not going anywhere. Not to mention that my IBS is not getting better either…

I am alone all day, with my cat as a companion and my BF is at work basically all day. I’m not complaining about that, really. I have no problem being alone, really. I just dislike that I have nothing important to do these days. Even the last year of work was not enough and I had to cut down my hours at the beginning of 2018 due to them not having enough stuff for me to do. That sucked, but I did feel that it was soon time for me to leave that place anyway. Since I lost my job, finished math I have been so bored that I hate myself a little bit. To be honest. Yes. I sort of hate myself and my current way of life. Me. The person who loves doing nothing special and sit and watch TV all day. I guess after 35+ years I’ve finally had enough of that…

I must do more with my life. Earn more money (or at least have a reliable higher income forever) so I can at least have a Great Dane to keep me company. I’d be devastated if I would fail college now, if it turns out to be to complicated for me etc. I need to fill that hole in my head! For those who do not know, I have all my life also felt that I have a hole, a physical hole in my brain that is just empty. Why is it empty? Because it is not filled with knowledge. It is like an area that is just lost, or totally unknown. Also my earlier bachelor’s degree I got in pedagogy just seemed like paying $30 000 in student loans to get stuff I already know on paper. I learned most of my “skills” from that by getting to know classmates and having the current BF by my side, teaching me new perspectives on life.

I think that feeling is why I have led such a simple life, because I don’t know what else I’m supposed to do. I’m so happy with so little. All I need is a TV and a computer with good internet access and I’m good, or something… Every time I wanted to fill that hole, some other crap comes in my way.

If it isn’t peer pressure (for not fitting in and being like every other girl out there) it’s stupid math (that I finally passed after the third attempt after like 10+ years of on and off studies) or some other garbage like my fibromyalgia. Or just life in general. Or as usual – my stupid silly brain that thinks everything but Apple or watching tv is too boring so I am unable to focus on anything useful. Like read a book and preferring that. It sounds like it’s all about excuses, but no. It has always been like that and I guess I’ve always in that sense been to “weak” or something to finally do something. To be clear, I’ve loved living my life like this, doing nothing and not having enough money and just sitting there, dreaming my life away instead of just getting up and do something. And books are boring!

It’s not until now that I have actually started to do something about this, because I have had enough of this crap! I don’t think I was born just to sit and watch TV all day and obsess about domains, Apple products or views/readers/subscribers? Do you? What a waste if that truly is my destiny…

This also reminds me… Not to sound evil, just a fact. The BF told me years ago and he has told me several times that I don’t have a true passion for something. I don’t have a passion for making it on YouTube, as a blogger or anything else. Not even learning code or trying to at least. I just prefer doing something else and I expect imminent success by doing barely enough. Or maybe nothing. I just sit there and dream, instead of making it myself from scratch.

When he told me that all those years ago, I was a bit butt hurt, but now? Now I get it. And it’s true. I did not have a true passion for anything. I believed that doing just “enough” will be enough. Then when I’m done, I’ll go watch TV. I’m like an obnoxious child in that sense. I have always been like that. I’m always bored with anything that’s not watching TV or doing as little as possible. The exception might be when I’m around people I like, but otherwise I’m like “are we there yet?!” and I can’t wait until I can watch TV, play on my phone or sit by the computer and obsess about my useless shit.

It’s hilarious when I think about it now. Who could have known that I’d get to this point? And why the fudge did it take so long? If I played my cards right, I could have gone to a different high school program, passed all the classes needed and have a bachelor’s degree in computer science 10 years ago or perhaps even 15 years ago. My life could have been so different, but due to my life being a really weird and lazy one to live, this is what I have to make due with. I’m kicking myself so hard these days for my stupid mistakes I’ve made in the past…

If I don’t know how to solve a certain thing, and I don’t even know what Google is telling me, how am I supposed to go on? I haven’t, but those days are hopefully over – forever. Now it is time for everything, and I do mean everything to change. I’m done copying and pasting…

It’s time for me to stop obsessing about pointless crap and start to focus on stuff that’s useful – in every aspect of my life. It is time to lose the weight and have a more colourful life. Or something like that. It’s finally time to shine. Become somebody better. A person who knows what to do and does not get frustrated or angry at nothing. I guess my frustration and so many other things in my life is due to that “empty hole in head” feeling. And now I’m gonna fill it. With programming. With Java. With new experiences. Shop Talk or whatever. Learn something useful and actually using that to my advantage because then I know what the fudge I’m doing. Everything now, at least technical stuff has been a guessing game, a copy-paste game or just not useful enough that I can do more.

It seems I’m complaining about nothing, but if you knew what it felt to be me, things would be different. The thing is that I probably also haven’t realised that time actually has gone by. It’s not like I feel any older since I left home in 2001. I just have a lot of crappy memories and lots of time being spent doing nothing. Still, I can’t lie and say that it has been crap. The things that have been truly shitty for me has mostly to do with not having enough money or having really shitty boyfriends (stealing all my money), but life with the current BF of 10 years soon has been lovely. Even though I haven’t really had money, not a Great Dane, moved a lot and only had one single real job in my life, these past 10 years have been the best ones yet. Even though they have meant becoming a little bit fat.

It’s like:

Saying to people that I feel and/or is fat is unthinkable apparently so I can’t use those words without stepping on some toes. The word “fat” can only be used by doctors or obese people. Not by people that really have to lose like 40 lbs (or lose like 12″ around the waist) in order to not get diabetes or a heart attack before they turn 40. People like me. Yeah, that would be rude! But all that crap is news for another day.

I have been happy and in many ways I still am, regardless of weight or anything else. I’m just sick and tired of some things that I want to change.

I really hope that it’s time for that change now. I really, fricking do!

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More about vegan terminology…

After my post I wrote about vegan terminology I felt that even though I said a lot, I have even more to say about it. First of all, is it really that important to use the terminology for everything? I mean, if you’re a meat eater, you generally do not have a term for it. You just eat food and probably do not care about where it comes from, if you eat an animal like a cow or a pig or that your shampoo has been tested on animals as well. I mean – who cares, right? The same thing should also apply if you’re vegetarian in some shape or form. As long as you eat a certain vegan-ish way that should mean that everything is fine, right?

Life was certainly a lot easier back then when I knew nothing about my food. I just ate it and felt as good as I possibly could, even though I’ve been sort of sick my whole life fro fibromyalgia, IBS and the like. I did not think about the consequences that my food choice made on the planet or my health. It was just food. Today it is so different and I’m not perfect, but today I think it is really important to use words correctly in order to not mislead or confuse people. Especially since so many people still do not care about what they eat and how it affects health, animals and our planet. That is why terminology is important to me, and why the term for vegan(ism) has to change.

What I have learned now, going back since like 2012 when I first got to know a vegan personally and watched documentaries like forks over knives has really changed my life. I have learned that us humans are somewhere between herbivores and frugivores, that animal agriculture is the leading cause alone to climate change. I’ve also learned that it is possible to reverse a lot of diseases and prevent basically every single one of them as well by eating a healthy vegan diet. That is why I feel that the correct information regarding all of this needs to get out there, even though I am not yet a vegan by its terminology. Like you’ve probably read – I’m vegetarian that consumes eggs, dairy and sometimes honey. And I’m lazy and eat a lot of processed crap! But I’m striving towards being vegan someday and I hope it will be possible for me to be a vegan within 5 years or so. By the end of 2018 I at least hope I’ll have the habit of being a somewhat semi-vegan eating primarily WFPB for health reasons, but if I’m being realistic that will only work for weeks or maybe a few months at the time since I’m so lazy and have like zero energy most days. But I’m trying my best!

Anyways, on with the post. What I wanted to write about today is more about the whole thing of not being vegan enough. Like it is against the law to call yourself vegan if you do not do it for the animals. I AM SO SICK OF THAT!!! Like I mentioned in my earlier post, I base being vegan on what you eat, regardless if you eat WFPB or vegan junk food or perhaps a mix of both. YOU ARE VEGAN IF YOU EAT VEGAN FOOD!

The main reason I wanted to say something more about this whole thing that’s going on is because it feels like if you are only (and I mean only) vegan for the animals, that would mean that lab grown meat is your ultimate goal. Because then you could eat meat without worrying about the animals. Since it’s coming from real animal flesh and muscles and bones, but no animals had been killed or hurt in the process – you’d all go back to eating meat when there is a final product out there, right? Because – who cares when no animals are killed or hurt, right? Meat is vegan if no animals were hurt or killed for it, right? Even though meat is defined as an animal product? It has to be vegan if no animals were hurt or killed in the process, right? It is only vegan if you think about the animals, right? And if you are vegan for the animals you do not think about your own health, because there is no need to, right? If you are vegan, you cannot possibly also eat healthy foods as well, because then you’d be plant based and never considered being vegan, right?

I think that is such wrongness to use the word vegan for. It makes me feel like you think of cows like walking carrots with feelings. Don’t get me wrong, I have heard people say this, and regard animals as plants, when the food (or animal) itself is not being anywhere vegetarian. An animal is defined as an animal and plants are defined as plants. At least I know that much. You can combine the two and eat a somewhat omnivorous diet, but as being a vegetarian, still consuming eggs and dairy it is important to know that the animal products are still animal products. They complement the plant foods you’re eating. The egg is not a vegetarian product, nor is the dairy. By saying that, it’s totally fine to eat like an omelette if you’re vegetarian, but that does not mean you’re eating plants by just consuming the omelette. See what I mean?

People for real counts eggs as being a fruit or something, fish and chickens for beings without emotions and dairy as a magical formula that just pours out of the cows for no reason that we as humans also must consume to help save the cows. All vegetarian, of course if you’d consider yourself being one. Like, WTF?!

Ok, you might think I’m overreacting here and I wish I was, but I’ve thought about this for a while now and I’m only getting more angry over the whole thing. The video linked above to GojiMan on YouTube enhanced these feelings for me even more. He says in the video that it’s great to be vegan for the animals (and I agree), but he ultimately concludes (or something) that all vegans who do it for the animals only eat junk food. That cannot possibly be right? I think talking about veganism in that matter only makes the whole thing about “you’re not vegan enough” crap that’s spreading like wildfire on YouTube, especially, a whole lot worse.

Let’s get one thing straight, though… I know there are so called junk food vegans out there and that is totally fine. I also am well aware about the Plant Based movement as well, but to automatically suggest or claim that vegans can only call themselves vegan if they ONLY do it for the animals is so sickening and it is not helping the vegan movement at all. Of course it is really important to think about the animals when you’re discussing or talking about veganism or vegetarianism. It matters! Their lives matters! But our health matters as well and so does the planet’s health. So it is important to go vegan for all reasons and to relax and accept all vegans for their reasons to go vegan. As long as they eat vegan food, everything should be fine but apparently it is not. Like WTF?! I also think it’s fine (like I’m trying to do) to take your time to get rid and switch the animal products in your home in the time and manners that suit you. Like switching to vegan/cruelty-free make-up products and shampoo and next time you need to buy a new sofa, you do not buy a leather one. Just because you go vegan (for whatever reason)doesn’t mean you have to change everything over night. It can be a process over time. And that’s fine! The most important thing is to start with what you’re eating and eat vegan defined foods.

As another example, I watched this video yesterday or something and I think it’s like pure harassment that people who are vegans (for the animals, of course 😉 ) hate her and say that she can’t call herself vegan because she’s doing it for other reasons than the animals? I mean, WTF?! Ok, in the video she says that she sometimes eat fish, like on Christmas eve or something and a few other days of the year. Otherwise she eats vegan. I’d personally call her a semi-vegan and I understand her reasons for making it easy when she orders stuff in restaurants to say she’s vegan, because she primarily eats like that 99% of the year. At least that’s how I interpreted her. I might be wrong. What is wrong is other vegans hating on her because she does not do it for the animals! It is so crazy. She says herself in the video that nobody cared when she ate meat, but when she’s vegan – but not for the animals, then there is war!

I don’t know… it is all so silly. I wish that things will go back to normal and being vegan – no matter for what reasons is ok, and that it is okay as well to be a junk food vegan or being a healthy WFPB eater. Thinking that the vegan word does not only have to mean it’s all about the animals will do a whole lot more for the vegan movement I think in the long run. Being a vegan ultimately starts with your diet!

What about you?