Why I’m not vegan – yet.

Potatoes, broccoli and chickpeas straight from the oven

This is a rant, and also some information to all those angry vegans who do not accept other non-vegans no matter what reasons they might have for not being vegan. Like comparing them to being murderers, rapists or pedophiles. FFS! How do you think you’re helping the vegan movement by those saying those words to people?! I think you’re a jerk😡. In the video below, Brian Turner explains a little bit of how I feel about this as well. It’s worth a watch!

My reasons for not being vegan might seem stupid for many, but I stick by my choice. I’ve been wanting to go vegan since 2012 or so, from the first time I saw Forks over Knives and all those older vegan documentaries. The reason for why I’ve waited for so long is because I waited for my BF to also see the truth and follow along and at least become vegetarian. Anything else about him and his choices/reasons I’m leaving left unsaid due to showing him some respect. This blog is about me, myself and I anyway and what I think about stuff.

When I finally went vegetarian I was so happy. I thought that it would change everything, that I’d finally be healthy, loose all the weight and regain my former self with less brain-fog and less pain in my body. So far nothing has happened. It’s been the opposite. I keep gaining weight and my health is worse. My belly is about 38″ (97 cm)wide, where it really should be around 26″ (67 cm or at least below 70 cm), and I’m gaining inches in places I did not even know I could fit more fat.

Just to be clear. Before I gained all this weight I was an adult and my belly or waist has always been around 65-70 cm, with some minor fluctuations before I got together with my BF. I was of the illusion that I could never get fat, because in my family we basically only gain weight by having kids and I wasn’t having any. Growing up I always ate a healthier diet than most, with lots of vegetables and fruits, and candy, chips and all that other good stuff was only meant to be eaten in a tiny quantity on some days. That means that I’ve been used to eating everything in moderation, but I was planning on having an adult life where I could eat candy etc whenever I wanted to without gaining weight, since that would be impossible. Little did I know back then that eating crap and lots of it makes you fat – even little old me, vegetarian or not so there you go.

I should also mention that even as an adult, before I got together with my BF, I did eat whatever I wanted for many years, but I still kept it in moderation. A bag of candy, or a bag of potato chips could easily last for days before, but now – not so much, unless I eat all of it by myself. Then it could probably last for days, but I’m more interested these days to let go of the processed crap junk-foods and eat more WFPB, as you well now by now.

Disclaimer!

My weight goal is not to be as skinny as possible, just to be healthy again and feel better than I do right now. Have more energy, find my words easier and have less pain as well, have clothes that fit better, like I did when I was a lot younger. I’m not trying to be anorexic, orthorexic or anything else. Just healthy! Let’s continue with the rant, shall we?

My boobs have gained a cup size (and maybe a half?) since I started to gain more weight about 3 years ago. Yes, before I went vegetarian. It’s been a slippery slope for oh so many years now… Why? Because I’ve become more lazy, more tired etc due to eating a really crappy diet. Yes. You can eat crappy by being vegetarian as well. It’s so darn easy when you eat processed crap and too many cookies. And I hate it! I should be glad if I get 10-15 grams of fiber in me on a daily basis and also if I meet all my nutrient requirements. I probably have not for many years. At least not the fiber part… And my IBS let’s me know it! Not to mention my acid reflux.

In January of this year (2019), I made the decision to advance a whole lot more vegan foods with more fiber and Whole Foods (WF). I have sort of succeeded, but it’s gone slow and instead of losing weight, I’ve actually gained some more, but it’s more like I haven’t tried enough and I’ve still been eating too much processed crap, candy, potato chips and cakes/cookies. As soon as I eat more healthy with more fiber and WF, I notice a difference within a few days. I did however loose a tiny bit of weight in the beginning of the year, but I quickly gained that back when I had a bit of a setback and ate a lot worse again for a few months.

Now it’s summer and I do not have to attend school daily so eating better will be a lot easier. I’ve noticed that those annoying fat deposits I wrote about earlier above have decreased a little from my new eating habits, but it’s going slow as per usual. Hey, better that they slowly disappear and never come back instead of they keep getting bigger and I get more uncomfortable. The first time I tried to eat the way I do now, it was a success, but it did not last. The reason for that was because I mainly just ate the same stuff over and over.

I was fine and am fine in general to eat the same meals often, but the choice of daals (lentil stews) was not a good one. At least the ones I made. They became boring so fast! It was the main reason why I quit, because they only tasted good the first day or so. This time, the plan is to eat more what I feel like and don’t blame myself if I get less fiber for breakfast or lunch one day and a whole lot more some other day. I hope that this summer of a whole lot more of a WFPB vegan diet will help me get my strength and health back so I can continue on this path for school later on when I go back for my 2nd year. That is if I can pass half my math class… 🤬

The plan to become more vegan is to try to eat both my breakfasts and lunches completely vegan and when possible, maximize the fiber and nutrient intake. The best would be if breakfast and lunch together would be around 50-60 grams of fiber. Here’s me hoping for the best! I’ve been checking cronometer a lot these past two weeks since I started eating like this and it’s looking good. The main reason for using cronometer is to check the fiber content and nutrients, so no worries! Many people tend to panic when they hear people using that site, but it’s a really good source to check that you’re getting enough nutrients and fiber in your diet.

It’s a lot easier than I thought to get 50+ grams of fiber a day, and as long as my dinner is not really low grade in nutrients, I basically meet all my requirements and that’s good. The only problem with eating that much fiber is that it takes me like 5-6 hours at least to get hungry again, and that’s a problem right now with the planning of dinners. I’m working on that too, and the best solution is to have a fiber rich smoothie in the morning and try to eat lunch at noon or way before 1 o’ clock.

A fiber rich smoothie, for those of you who wonders means that I use about 30 grams of chia seeds, about 15 grams of flaxseeds and sometimes 10 grams of psyllium husk powder in my smoothies to get all that fiber in. I also try to always have 100 grams of everything else, and always use rasberries or some other really fiber rich berry in the smoothie to get more fiber. Generally, I can get a smoothie that’s nutrient dense and fiber rich with about 35 grams of fiber if I use the basis I mentioned.

This image above show what a typical day of eating breakfast and lunch would contain. The hummus is added for like a possible sauce for dinners and/or dipping veggies in for lunch. The oat milk is added for vitamin D and B12. The brand of psyllium husk seeds does not matter, there is the same amount of fiber in all of them. I get 66 grams of fiber and 91% nutrients targeted from just eating this on a daily basis. I could certainly live like this.

With this base smoothie I get almost 50% of my daily targets. That’s pretty awesome. I drink it slowly, I can get about a liter(32 oz) of smoothie of this. I have to use more water due to the psyllium husk powder. If I did not use that, I’d get a 5 dl (16 oz) smoothie instead, but the fiber is more important to me right now. Below is a list of ingredients I use normally in my smoothies. It’s a good thing to thaw the berries and other frozen stuff first before blending.

  • 100 grams of frozen rasberries
  • 100 grams of frozen strawberries
  • 100 grams of frozen spinage or kale (or other leafy greens), optional but use frozen to get a 100 grams of it easier.
  • 30 grams of chia seeds, crushed or not
  • 15 grams of flax seeds, whole or crushed (In Sweden, only whole are available)
  • 10 grams of psyllium husk powder
  • 1 liter of water (32 oz), or half if psyllium husk powder is not used and berries are thawed beforehand.

I am taking my steps towards being vegan slowly, and I’m doing what I can to change the stuff in my home as well. I now use the humble tooth brush, and whenever I can I use vegan shampoos and conditioners. Sometimes I’m “forced” to use non-vegan stuff, but that’s due to my own mobility issues. For example, I am lousy at using my hands for anything other than typing on a computer, so washing my hair with a shampoo that does not lather that much only makes my scalp itch, so I have to use other products for that. There’s a lot of buildup and residue, and only a well foamed shampoo helps with that.

If I could find a vegan shampoo that lather as much as any non-vegan product, I’d buy it without having to rinse and repeat. I find that process tedious as F. I actually have started to hate washing my hair, because it takes so long. Now I’ve got shorter hair again, but it’s still tedious to wash it and conditioners generally also make my hair greasier a lot sooner, so I really do prefer using only shampoos when possible. I’ve also tried to switch out other house hold products such as dish washing soap and cleaning products to vegan ones.

If I was the only one living in this apartment, everything would be vegan and chemical free, but my lovely does not like the vegan products. He believes they do not make it all clean, but that’s bullshit. I clean our toilets with this soap and it works wonders! I’ve done so for years! The hand wash soap in my current bathroom is almost always a vegan one as well. My current skin products are almost all vegan. I’m not so sure about some of them, but all the lotions are vegan at least! Now I only have to find a toothpaste that’s vegan and lathers a lot. Do you have any ideas on brands to use? Leave a comment and let me know. I now use Aquafresh, which is most likely tested on animals and with the toothpaste itself containing tiny plastic particles that’s hurting the oceans and the fish. I’d really like to not use that (due to the plastics issue), but I have not found an alternative yet. But according to their websites, it’s totally free of animal products, so that’s good! I really like that toothpaste! Knowing that it’s animal free makes me feel better about using it.

To sum it up, I’m doing my very best to be more vegan in my life. My goal is to be vegan someday, but when I’ll get there I have no idea. If I could eat like i plan do to during this summer, that’s more than good enough for me for a foreseeable future. My plan is not to go vegan overnight, go all in and stop being vegan after X weeks, months or years. My plan is to go vegan and stay vegan. Until I die! When that day happens, I’d stopped wanting to eat the processed non-vegan junkfoods, candy and cookies etc or I’ve found really good replacements for all of them. Even if I never get to be a 100% WFPB vegan, that’s fine. I’d like to have cheat days, like I’ve written before, but it would be good for my health, and the planet if my food was like 90% WFPB and 100% vegan. That’s the main goal to be honest. Any step towards that is a great step in my opinion. You have no idea how proud I feel of myself when I have completely vegan days of eating.😍

But right now, I’m glad I’ve started to do something for real again and I’ll do my best to keep on doing it. If this works like I want it too, it could mean that I’m gonna be vegan within 3-5 years or even sooner than that, but if I go back to my bad eating habits again, I’d might as well be dead of cancer and/or heart disease before I’m 45. That’s how bad it probably is or will be if I change nothing. Considering the bad place my health has been for so many years, I have to do my best to be better, eat better, live better. When I go vegan, I’ll be vegan for life.

And this is how I plan on doing it.

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A new masterpiece is in the works…

But why do I feel like a total idiot when I’m almost finished with it? For those who have no idea on what I’m talking about, I’m referring to the YouTube video I’ve worked on for like a month, perhaps more. It’s probably two months when you think of the first draft of it. Then after I made that one, Jon Prosser of Front Page Tech and Creative Mindset Podcast made me change my mind and do something better. Now I believe I have, and yesterday evening I let my boyfriend watch it. I wanted him to see it in case he was not satisfied with some details, but he had nothing to add. I had almost counted on him hating the video, since it’s about me being a borderline (or maybe totally obsessed) Apple Sheep. And we all know how much he really dislikes Apple as a company and some of their products, even though he uses some of them himself for work.

I was surprised that he had nothing to say about it. Just because I felt guilty or something and was more prepared to change the whole video, we still had a tiny discussion afterwards, because I probably needed it. The thing is – and probably always has been with me and Apple products the past year, is that it was at the beginning an escape route for my mind in despite of everything. When I got my iPhone as a gift for passing math, I finally felt that I could accept my little obsession and move on, but I only sunk in deeper into the Apple World… We have been able to freely discuss and talk about Apple since then (or since I started using the Mac mini as my desktop) and it has been nice. When the Apple obsession took another step, it was with the MacBook Pro that I got as a gift for getting into college and I was so surprised and happy I did not know what to do with myself. I love this computer. Touch ID is great! And the typing etc… Love it!

The problem is that, even though I have felt on and off that the Apple obsession is starting to decline, it has yet again kicked into gear. The main reason for that is still because of my stupid, silly brain and me being bored of my mind since school hasn’t started yet. It’s less then a week to go now and I can’t wait! I feel that I have a confession to make, but no – it’s more like a declaration or a disclaimer. At least for myself. The video I’ve been working on has been a tiny way for me to focus on something else, but time shall tell if my efforts were good enough for some success at least… Some success means like over 100 true views and a comment or two, I guess but I am not counting on anything! The video is not the confession, though. Read on…

My boyfriend told me yesterday that somehow I have to stop with the Apple products, and I am well aware of that. I will not buy any other Apple products if I know I don’t need them. To be clear, I’ve gotten every Apple product I use either as a gift from him or as a “borrowed” item since we already had some of them in our household. Even still, I can’t stop my silly mind of stalking the Apple Store app and check the prices and specs of iPads, AirPods, the Apple Watch etc… But still, I won’t buy any until I know I will need them. I haven’t so far and I will not do it, no matter how much my brain wants to grab the first opportunity to expand the Apple library. It’s more important to save my money and I know that. Having money is more important than having more Apple products!

Apple products, Tailosive Tech and all other YouTube channels talking about Apple are and will probably continue to be an escape route for my brain whenever I’m to tired or bored to do anything else. Still, I am hoping that college will be the event that changes everything.

This is my confession; I really want and will do my absolute best to study until I can’t stand it anymore. I want and need the computer science bachelor degree I’ll be getting to become my new escape route. To become my new obsession. It has to be that way. Why? Because I have been so bored out of my mind for so long now that I am starting to hate, dislike and get disgusted by my current lifestyle.

My current way of life is basically never leaving the apartment, spending 10+ hours a day watching pointless YouTube videos or movies I’ve seen a thousand times already or “bad” tv-shows. Also it involves eating crappy breakfasts and bad lunches and more crap for dinner, so the weight is not going anywhere. Not to mention that my IBS is not getting better either…

I am alone all day, with my cat as a companion and my BF is at work basically all day. I’m not complaining about that, really. I have no problem being alone, really. I just dislike that I have nothing important to do these days. Even the last year of work was not enough and I had to cut down my hours at the beginning of 2018 due to them not having enough stuff for me to do. That sucked, but I did feel that it was soon time for me to leave that place anyway. Since I lost my job, finished math I have been so bored that I hate myself a little bit. To be honest. Yes. I sort of hate myself and my current way of life. Me. The person who loves doing nothing special and sit and watch TV all day. I guess after 35+ years I’ve finally had enough of that…

I must do more with my life. Earn more money (or at least have a reliable higher income forever) so I can at least have a Great Dane to keep me company. I’d be devastated if I would fail college now, if it turns out to be to complicated for me etc. I need to fill that hole in my head! For those who do not know, I have all my life also felt that I have a hole, a physical hole in my brain that is just empty. Why is it empty? Because it is not filled with knowledge. It is like an area that is just lost, or totally unknown. Also my earlier bachelor’s degree I got in pedagogy just seemed like paying $30 000 in student loans to get stuff I already know on paper. I learned most of my “skills” from that by getting to know classmates and having the current BF by my side, teaching me new perspectives on life.

I think that feeling is why I have led such a simple life, because I don’t know what else I’m supposed to do. I’m so happy with so little. All I need is a TV and a computer with good internet access and I’m good, or something… Every time I wanted to fill that hole, some other crap comes in my way.

If it isn’t peer pressure (for not fitting in and being like every other girl out there) it’s stupid math (that I finally passed after the third attempt after like 10+ years of on and off studies) or some other garbage like my fibromyalgia. Or just life in general. Or as usual – my stupid silly brain that thinks everything but Apple or watching tv is too boring so I am unable to focus on anything useful. Like read a book and preferring that. It sounds like it’s all about excuses, but no. It has always been like that and I guess I’ve always in that sense been to “weak” or something to finally do something. To be clear, I’ve loved living my life like this, doing nothing and not having enough money and just sitting there, dreaming my life away instead of just getting up and do something. And books are boring!

It’s not until now that I have actually started to do something about this, because I have had enough of this crap! I don’t think I was born just to sit and watch TV all day and obsess about domains, Apple products or views/readers/subscribers? Do you? What a waste if that truly is my destiny…

This also reminds me… Not to sound evil, just a fact. The BF told me years ago and he has told me several times that I don’t have a true passion for something. I don’t have a passion for making it on YouTube, as a blogger or anything else. Not even learning code or trying to at least. I just prefer doing something else and I expect imminent success by doing barely enough. Or maybe nothing. I just sit there and dream, instead of making it myself from scratch.

When he told me that all those years ago, I was a bit butt hurt, but now? Now I get it. And it’s true. I did not have a true passion for anything. I believed that doing just “enough” will be enough. Then when I’m done, I’ll go watch TV. I’m like an obnoxious child in that sense. I have always been like that. I’m always bored with anything that’s not watching TV or doing as little as possible. The exception might be when I’m around people I like, but otherwise I’m like “are we there yet?!” and I can’t wait until I can watch TV, play on my phone or sit by the computer and obsess about my useless shit.

It’s hilarious when I think about it now. Who could have known that I’d get to this point? And why the fudge did it take so long? If I played my cards right, I could have gone to a different high school program, passed all the classes needed and have a bachelor’s degree in computer science 10 years ago or perhaps even 15 years ago. My life could have been so different, but due to my life being a really weird and lazy one to live, this is what I have to make due with. I’m kicking myself so hard these days for my stupid mistakes I’ve made in the past…

If I don’t know how to solve a certain thing, and I don’t even know what Google is telling me, how am I supposed to go on? I haven’t, but those days are hopefully over – forever. Now it is time for everything, and I do mean everything to change. I’m done copying and pasting…

It’s time for me to stop obsessing about pointless crap and start to focus on stuff that’s useful – in every aspect of my life. It is time to lose the weight and have a more colourful life. Or something like that. It’s finally time to shine. Become somebody better. A person who knows what to do and does not get frustrated or angry at nothing. I guess my frustration and so many other things in my life is due to that “empty hole in head” feeling. And now I’m gonna fill it. With programming. With Java. With new experiences. Shop Talk or whatever. Learn something useful and actually using that to my advantage because then I know what the fudge I’m doing. Everything now, at least technical stuff has been a guessing game, a copy-paste game or just not useful enough that I can do more.

It seems I’m complaining about nothing, but if you knew what it felt to be me, things would be different. The thing is that I probably also haven’t realised that time actually has gone by. It’s not like I feel any older since I left home in 2001. I just have a lot of crappy memories and lots of time being spent doing nothing. Still, I can’t lie and say that it has been crap. The things that have been truly shitty for me has mostly to do with not having enough money or having really shitty boyfriends (stealing all my money), but life with the current BF of 10 years soon has been lovely. Even though I haven’t really had money, not a Great Dane, moved a lot and only had one single real job in my life, these past 10 years have been the best ones yet. Even though they have meant becoming a little bit fat.

It’s like:

Saying to people that I feel and/or is fat is unthinkable apparently so I can’t use those words without stepping on some toes. The word “fat” can only be used by doctors or obese people. Not by people that really have to lose like 40 lbs (or lose like 12″ around the waist) in order to not get diabetes or a heart attack before they turn 40. People like me. Yeah, that would be rude! But all that crap is news for another day.

I have been happy and in many ways I still am, regardless of weight or anything else. I’m just sick and tired of some things that I want to change.

I really hope that it’s time for that change now. I really, fricking do!

I’m vegetarian.

Yes. It’s true. I’ve been one, very successfully as well since december 1st 2016. I haven’t really gone public with it until just a few months ago on my swedish personal blog, but all people I meet have known it from basically day 1, since I do not longer choose to consume meat. I do however consider myself a so called “lacto-ovo” vegetarian, because I still consume dairy and egg products. I’d still consume honey as well, but since I’m not a fan of that, I do not eat that much. If I should take a guess, I only eat honey if it’s in a piece of candy or a baked cake. I do not like it by itself and I prefer stevia in my tea.

To be honest, since we moved into Malmö and got ourselves settled I’ve started to really take charge of my eating habits and I can basically call myself a semi-vegan these days. My breakfasts and lunches are almost always vegan and dinner rarely consists of large volumes of milk and egg products. The dairy is like a little from cheese sometimes, or perhaps from a sauce made with milk instead of a plant based option. The eggs are like barely non existing and usually comes from some processed product like a ready made sauce. Real eggs from the store we basically never buy. Perhaps once a year and that’s fine with me.

However, these past few weeks, I hurt my back. I got lumbago according to the dictionary. I don’t know if it’s the correct term, but wtf. Who cares? I hurt my back. Yet another thing that sucks with having this particular body. Fibromyalgia, being overweight, having IBS is not enough. No, I have to have a stiffness that cannot be regulated, I don’t know how to relax it either and I sit like a beanbag or something. I also rarely stand up, move around or walk as much as I should. And because of me being sedentary deluxe – I get lumbago as well. Yet another thing to fix. And fix it I have done my best to do, or something. I’ve had the pains for over two weeks, but it’s basically ok now. It only hurts when I move my body a certain way, like bending my knees while keeping my back straight. This is also a move I have like never performed in my life before this lumbago thing. My body is generally so stiff that I really do not know how to bend my knees, which is also a generating part to me getting a hurting back. It was just a matter of time.

Ok, enough with the back thing. What I was getting to is, due to my hurting back, I’ve not eaten that great since it annoys and hurts me to much to stand in the kitchen preparing food, but I plan to go back to eating a lot better as soon as I can.

The positive thing is since I made this small change in my life, when I sort of went somewhat semi-vegan, I’ve finally started to lose weight. I’ve lost several inches so far, but it’s going slow. It’s however a great thing that my belly is a bit smaller now, and this has happened pretty fast. I lose about half an inch a week, so that is good progress. I have about 10-15 inches bellyfat to lose if I can reach my goal. And eating more whole foods is really the trick! My main goal is really just to maximize my fiber intake. From basically zero to at least 25 grams of fiber per day is what I’m trying to do now. At the beginning, when I ate a lot of oats and berries for breakfast (about 10-15 grams of fiber) and a lentil stew for lunch, (at least 20 grams of fiber) and lots of veggies for dinner, I easily get 40 grams of fiber a day and that’s huge! I also wish that someday I’ll start making smoothies as well, and I try to snack on berries or dates/figs or other fiber rich foods instead of candy. But of course. I still have pizza, probably once a week and there have been a few days here and there where I eat basically nothing but candy and potato chips. And I still drink a lot of soda, Pepsi Max or other diet sodas are the go to and have been for years.

Well. Now you know I’m vegetarian. My goal is to go vegan, and I’m doing all this primarily for health reasons, even though I’m not healthy as a person at all. I have to lose weight and I have to see if there is any way to get a body that works better than it has before.

In order for this blog to get some more action, I’m starting a series of blog posts. What’s it’s gonna be called, I do not know yet. I have a lot to say regarding veganism, what the right diet is and other interesting stuff. I might even start making videos again on one of my YouTube channels, since I’ve basically not uploaded a thing in like a year to either of them, but all the thoughts in my head have to get heard, I think.

In order to improve my own health, spread the importance of veganism and lose the weight I have to to this.

I’m used to never feeling 100% well. There’s always something wrong. If it’s not muscles aching from fibromyalgia pains, or me having to use a mile worth of toilet paper a day because of my IBS problems, it’s always something.

And now I’ve taken the first steps to fix it.