And o’boy does it suck! For those of you wondering where I’ve been for the past two months, I can reluctantly say – on the couch, passed out and pissed off struggling to put together the energy that is needed to pass this ridiculous math class I’m currently have to take.Continue reading “My life = never ending math…”
And oh, fuck – do I want a bigger phone! Seriously. It’s crazy. Don’t get me wrong. I absolutely love my iPhone SE, since it’s probably the best phone I’ve ever had, but it’s so tiny and I hate writing on it, because all words are so often misspelled. By the best I mean that’s it’s the most reliable phone I’ve had so far. I’ve written about this before, when I first got my iPhone SE, so read more in that post to know more. However, this iPhone and Apple obsession never seems to end. It just goes on and on and on. And I do not know why! Isn’t it enough now? Apparently not. I need to have more than just an iPhone, Macbook Pro, Mac Mini and an iPad with the Apple Pencil. I tried the AirPods and I’ve also bought a magic mouse. Sadly the AirPods did not work well enough for my ears, so I returned them after a few weeks. Now I use the OnePlus Wireless Bullets instead. They work fine, but I’d much rather try a pair of BeatsX bullets instead, since they have the W1 chip. That chip is great, because it means I can easily switch between the Apple products I have, but with the OP bullets, not so much. I’m seriously thinking of giving those to my BF and buy myself a pair of BeatsX instead, but we’ll see what happens. No matter what, I want (need) this Apple obsession to stop. Like seriously stop!
Like the title of this post, I do have to tell you about my experience today, playing around for a bit with the new phones. I just had to! It was totally necessary so I could know more. I played with all of them, but mostly the Xr. All the photos in this post are from that phone, including the featured image. The reason for that was because I wanted to try taking black background selfies with all of the cameras, but when I played around with the next one, the Xs, the camera features threw me off a bit. That was because of I noticed that I couldn’t take those light studio photos of objects, only of people and because of that I forgot to take selfies with it. Later, it turned out that it was because of the environment of the store and lack of good backgrounds that was the issue, but still, I’m sad that I couldn’t take any selfies with the Xs. I wanted to know if the camera differences really are such a big deal, because I’d really like to get a cheaper phone if possible, next time I buy one. As of now, it seems even more that the Xr is more than good enough for me, but the three big differences still remain.
|Price||Winner||Somewhat wins||Too expensive!|
|Size||Somewhat wins||Winner||Too big, but best for typing|
|Camera features||Misses portrait lightning on rear camera and no “bokeh” effect for pets||Has all the features||Has all the features|
|Battery life||Absolute winner according to many sources||Probably worst||Winner|
With the table above you can see my reasoning of all the devices. At first I have to point out that they are all too expensive, but since they have different price tags, one must be cheaper and one more expensive. In Sweden the prices are outrageous, but that’s a topic for another day. The Xs max was most likely way too big, but sure it was absolutely best for typing. It’s also too expensive, unless I’d get it from somewhere else and I can pay the same price as a normal Xs, so that’s ok. But it’s too big and the Xs Max is most likely out of the picture now. the Xr wins easily with it’s price and the size is ok. As of today as a 8 month-ish iPhone SE user, it felt a bit too big as well, but I liked it and everything about it was a whole lot better than I first anticipated. I did not notice the bigger bezels or the notch. All I cared about was the camera and typing experience. If I’d someday decide to get that one, I’m sure I’ll be more than satisfied with it. The Xs felt best to hold in the hand, but worst at typing, due to the smallest screen, but the screen size was more than enough either way. The LCD screen was also amazing on the Xr, so that would be no problem for me whatsoever.
The three biggest deals for me are price, camera features and battery life. I need a phone that lasts me through a whole day while I’m at school and preferably longer. This means I need it to have enough battery left when I get home so I don’t feel like panicking. Panic occurs when I have less than 50% and it’s before 6PM or something like that. I guess I’m lucky that way? I need the phone to withstand at least 1 hour as hotspot, 2-3 hours of wireless bluetooth listening to Spotify while on the train and be used while I surf the web and go through social media. It’s not necessarily needed for gaming, since I only use my iPad for that these days. It would also be nice if I could take many photos and a video or two without loosing too much battery. With my iPhone SE I have less than 30% often when I have days like that and I’ve been to school and I fucking hate it! And often on those days, I’ve only been away for like 5 hours and I get home at 2 PM. I do not think that’s normal behavior for a phone. Maybe for a phone with that tiny battery, but still, it’s not good. Also the typing experience on the SE sucks! Especially in Swedish, so I am doing everything I can to type on it as little as possible. In order for me to write on it properly I have to use so much energy to make sure I hit the right keys and still, it wouldn’t work that good. I really dislike it but I am still ashamed of thinking of a new phone because of many things and I shall write about those next:
I got my iPhone SE as a gift from my BF for getting a passing grade in math in june 2018. That was amazing! I’ve told myself from the start that I hope this phone will last, and it will, as long as I never leave the apartment and only browse the internet, or something like that. If I use it for anything more, especially out of the house it’s a problem within minutes of use. I hate to be bothered by it, but at the same time I can’t stop thinking about getting myself a better device. If I wasn’t attending college right now, I probably would not care that much, but since I am, and I’m finally doing something with my time, my tiny phone with its tiny screen and tiniest battery in the world is really an issue for me. It makes it hard for me to focus on other things if I’m not doing something really important, like studying, but right now, I’m on the Christmas break, so I’ve gotten more than needed time to think about getting a new phone. Even though I don’t “really” need it.
There are solutions, of course. Always bring my charger with me while on foot. Use a computer to chat whenever possible, and since I’m not an active vlogger on YouTube or that active of a blogger on WordPress, there’s really no need for a fantastic camera in my pocket, since what I have absolutely does the job. I do all of that today and I save my money and I will continue to do so as long as possible. But still, I can’t stop thinking about it and it drives me nuts! I seriously hope I can solve this or stop thinking about this without buying a new phone before it’s time to upgrade anyway. No matter what I will upgrade this year, because I can’t stand these “tiny” issues, because they are tiny. Even as a pun. Tiny as being unnecessary feelings and tiny because everything about the SE is tiny!
As long as I can continue to not buy a new phone just because “I can”, I am considering myself to be a hero or something. You have seriously no idea how much energy and will I have to use in order for me to stop these “buying” feelings… And it’s only gonna get harder after today with this new experience. If I wasn’t so greedy when it comes to money, or cheap, or just simply “I do not want to spend money if I absolutely do not have to” as a person, I’d have an 8 plus, X, Xs, Xr or any other expensive and new(ish) iPhone in my pocket already. However, in my life as of now, since living most of my days rather poorly since I left home in 2001 – I love to save money and not spend it. Like Scrooge MacDuck, without being a billionaire. As of now I’m just a “poor student”.
Spending money makes me nervous if spent on the wrong thing, because I’ve done so way too much when I was younger. I do not want to repeat those mistakes again, so I want to make sure that everything I buy these days are worth while, even though I’m not considered poor by any means any longer, because now I save instead of spend. I bought my iPad with my own money when I started school, and luckily that purchase has not caused me any anxiety whatsoever. I even think about it as a “free” device since I’ve then gotten all that money back by saving each month and I use it on a daily basis for both school, and many other things and I love it. If I perhaps can think of my next iPhone the same way, by continuing to save money and eventually getting it back (by continuing to save money), it will be a lot easier? What do you think? What would you do if you were in my shoes?
There are some important words to remember, that I have to learn. That I still haven’t learned, or I keep forgetting them. Damn fibromyalgia!🤬
Words like allocate, processor, expression, value, arguments, constructor, parse and a gazillion others. I’ve studied programming now for over a month, almost two and I’ve learned the “basics” of just programming. I know how to declare variables, arrays and lists. I also (think) I know what they are and how to use them. I don’t really know what they do and what they are for, but I’m gonna learn it eventually. Or I know it, but can’t explain it in words, just in code.
I know what the different loops are and when they are (probably) most useful, but I can’t really explain them. Yeah, same problem even there… If I were to have a discussion with classmates it seems I’m one of the experts, but some days I don’t know a thing or something… The biggest problems I currently have with learning Java and programming in general are the basics underneath the basics and how to remember how you did that thing to get that output. People have also said that you’ll only remember how to program if you keep programming. Practice makes perfect! And that’s true!
For example there is an error I’ve gotten quite often since learning about arrays, and I have no idea why. It’s called
StringIndexOutOfBoundsException and I got a tip that if I get an error, I should “read up” until I’ve solved the problem. The problem with my stupid crappy brain is that the documentation to me is often gibberish for my brain so I do not understand the explanation for the problem. As a beginner programming student, that might be fine, but I realized today that I should understand this gibberish and know how to solve it, but I can’t, unless I’ve encountered it too many times and learned how to solve it (or to prevent how to make it happen in the first place) and then I’ve learned it. That doesn’t necessarily mean I know what that error was, but I made sure it didn’t happen again when I’ll run a program.
I’ve noticed that I learn the majority of programming by actually programming and making mistakes, trying to fix them. I do this often the wrong way, by asking others instead of reading the books, googling, visiting stack overflow or reading the documentation. It’s a bad habit I am trying my best to change and I’m slowly improving. Note, that there’s nothing wrong in asking for help, but sometimes I’ve done this first instead of trying to solve something myself or I “cheat” and watch the tutorial video or have a look at the teachers provided source code.
I have to clarify, that often when I peek at the source code, it’s to find ONE way to solve my problem. I often try and try again until I turn blue in the face but the more I try, the more I learn, regarding programming itself, but just not the how and the why or something. My main problem is still to “read up” on stuff and picking up the book is really hard, but I have to try. There is apparently no other way…?
How to remember all of this, all the terminology and such is a huge hassle for me. It’s mainly due to me having fibromyalgia with brain fog as my main enemy besides aching muscles and total body stiffness some days of the week. If it’s not everyday, that is. My muscles basically always ache no matter what. If I’m lucky I can have better days where I remember more and I have the energy to do more as well, but those days are very few if they occur at all. Generally I have maybe two weeks in a year, scattered over the whole year where I feel like I’m on top of the world and can do anything. Most days I’m so tired I don’t know what to do with myself and now as a college student – it fucking sucks to have these disabilities I struggle with!
I understand the basics of programming and I’ve learned a lot I think, but clearly not enough to pass the final exam in a few weeks. If I’m in class and the teacher explains something, I understand what happens, but I do not use the correct terminology for it and I keep forgetting what the words are. I still in the end will learn and understand what I’m supposed to do to solve something, but the solution for it is basically to explain something to me like I’m three years old and in very plain English sometimes. At least on those days where my brain really does not want to work and I can barely find my way home and know my own name…
One example I use is instead of saying something like: “You haven’t allocated enough memory to/for the processor to run the program or installation”, I say “Do you have enough memory?”. See the difference? I know in this situation that you need at least good enough hardware (in this case memory or RAM) in order to do something with a computer, but I can’t find the correct terms to use – so I use whatever words I can find. I still understand (somewhat depending on the fibromyalgia) what’s going on, but how do I prove it using a piece of paper during an examination? That I have no clue on how to fix…
Anyways, that’s what I have to change. I need to speak more using data terms. Otherwise I’ll never learn this properly or get a proper feel for programming, because then I won’t understand it. Not to mention I have to get better at math as well, but yeah – that’s a whole other story to tell…
I also suck at reading. I hate reading, because it’s boring and I seldom learn anything by reading books. I prefer watching stuff, trying it myself, discussing it with others and writing about it. At least when it comes to learning something new, which I basically want to do all the time if I could. I feel that I need a different approach to learning programming, and even if I pass this class, I’m guessing that my knowledge of programming will become enhanced after I’ve done some more creative stuff. I had the idea that I wanted to make a little project of my own, in order to feel creative and “satisfied” wit how I learn everything I’m doing in college right now. The solution would be in my mind to create sort of a super quiz where I use all the knowledge I have regarding programming to ask myself questions about Computer Science as well as programming. I’d make sure to have all the sections in this quiz so I’d learn everything and then I’d answer the questions myself.
This is probably a great idea but there’s a huge problem. I do not have time for it. I barely have time to get to class, “read the books”, and do all the tasks asked of me by the teachers. I spend over 30 hours per week (not included traveling) including valuable time on the weekends to make sure I’ve done all I can for the next lecture or deadline. So far I’ve made it in time, but when that’s done – I’m so pooped the only thing I can do is watch tv, eat something and then go to bed. I haven’t seen a single friend I think since the first week of college, because I don’t have the energy to spend for anything outside of school. I fucking hate it!
I love school, it feels so right but sometimes I wonder if I’ve waited too many years to do this. I did not feel this bad 10 or so years ago when I started college the first time in 2009. My health, even if it was not good, it was not as bad as it is these days. Weight gain and a lot less exercise and interesting hobbies are the result of that, and especially a very poor diet!
Anyway, even if that program was a full-time thing, I did not spend 40 hours a week studying. About 5 – 10 was enough for me in general including lectures and seminars. And it’s been like that no matter what I’ve done in a full-time program at school or work, except obligatory hours I had to spend in middle school and high school. This is the first time in my life where I’m really active, using my brain and most of all – where I actually want to learn something and become something special or “something more”. And if I can – I will do this for about three more years and then hopefully full-time at my future employer.
I felt like crying yesterday, because I thought that if I can’t do this – my only choice is to be poor, probably never able to afford a Great Dane and have lousy, non passionate jobs that a robot can do instead. Also it will mean that I’ll never be able to work more than 20 hours a week… Not that I desperately want or need to work 40 hours a week, but the pay is pretty low when you can only work part-time and only simple desk jobs that are very non-creative. If I could work 20 hours a week and earn like $3000 a month (at least before Swedish taxes), which gives me about $2300 net income, I do not need to work full-time but I doubt I’ll earn that much with so few hours. Just to clarify – that income might seem low to you, but for me it’s like three times as much as I’ve ever made, being unemployed or with a disability pension. I felt like a rich king with my first job, but I did not earn that much in total, but I do not spend money, really. I like saving up, but I’d love to earn a lot more money in the future so I can save a lot more.
Anyway, going back to what happened yesterday, about what I realized. That made me so sad and angry. Not to mention frustrated. I have like 2 weeks or so to study like crazy for the exams. I feel pretty sure at the CS class, but I have to study a whole lot more for the programming class, but as long as I at least can learn the terminology I’m probably gonna pass the class. Since I am a student with a disability I can get help from the college, but I haven’t contacted anybody yet, because I’d like to try first myself. I feel like if I could do some extra credit stuff, I’d could probably earn myself a passing grade, but we’ll see if that’s even gonna be necessary.
I love what I’m doing. I couldn’t want anything else, but knowledge really and some better routines for learning. But it’s fun, challenging and if I make it – the possibilities are endless!
…and I love it. The classmates are wonderful, the classes are fun and inspiring and the teachers are engaged and awesome. Or something…
I am not gonna say that it’s been easy. It’s a real roller coaster. One lecture could be really great and I understand basically everything. Then another one could be so hard that my brain stops working and I sit there wondering wtf just happened. Luckily, both the teachers and classmates are there to help and that’s great. I’m basically friends with all of them, and that’s totally awesome!
The first weeks were pretty easy with basically no homework or very little to do. Even though it’s was a bit of a slow start I was so tired that I didn’t what to do with myself. Also I have no idea on how I’m supposed to study. I still really don’t know this. I know the basics of course. Go to all the possible classes, do all the homework and/or assignments, read the books and pass the tests. However the only thing that I’m unsure of is how to read the books. Also after going to a bunch of classes it seems a bit redundant to read the books, because the teacher explains everything in detail anyway. And I rarely learn anything from reading books…
I’m so not into reading books. Not even factual based books. When I studied last time at college, I read maybe 5-10% of the books but I made it anyway. That’s because we did not have a classic examination. All we did was write essays and reports. I would not have made it otherwise…
So far, we’ve been learning about algorithms, pseudo code, flow charts and basic programming. In the programming course, we’ve gone through, variables, classes, methods, parameters, arguments, loops, bot while and for loops and many other things I forgot to mention. We’re focusing on Java, if I didn’t mention it before and we’re using IntelliJ for development. Learning programming for real has been a lot of fun, but frustrating and I’ve come to the conclusion that the easiest solution is most often the right and best one. Personally, with my mental blockages constantly being in the way and my aching body hating to commute, it feels like this whole thing is gonna figure itself out by itself. Once I start to remember what everything is and how it’s and should be used, it is gonna become a lot easier. I learn a lot from my classmates, by going to class and I think I’ve learned the most from making mistakes.
The funny thing is that this is probably the first time in my adult life that I realize how different I truly am in regards to other people. I’m different in both good and bad ways. The bad way is kinda obvious. It’s the fibromyalgia that is making everything tougher then it is for most people. Personality wise I’m thrilled that I’m myself and that it’s ok to be who I am, a nerdy “girl” who likes to be around boys or something. Not to be around boys in the traditional sense, more like being around the guys in a friendly way. Who cares? I love the fact that I’m not surrounded by annoying women talking crap about men. The other three ladies in class seems to be as interested in programming as I am, and that’s also great! One of them seems to be a mastermind in math as well. I’d probably talk to her a lot when I have problems with that.
My fibromyalgia is making school hard in the ways that my body is aching constantly. My back and shoulders are more tense than ever. My neck hurts from watching the teacher, no matter where I sit in the classroom. In this school it seems that we’re not using classic college classrooms, like old movie theaters or something, but regular classrooms like in high schools. That hurts my neck a lot. I’m tired all day, especially before and after class on the train ride to or from school, and I’ve been like a zombie at home, trying to do my best to study anyways. During the weekends I’ve actually done a lot, but it seems like all the notes and reading I’ve done won’t help me until I can discuss all of it with classmates and the teachers. I’ve actually done most of my studying during the weekends, because I got nothing better to with my time.
One huge aspect of fibromyalgia is so called “Brain fog”. I haven’t really experienced that for a very long time now before college started. It been months, but now when I’m learning a lot of new stuff, it’s so hard trying to find the words that I feel like an idiot most of the time during class. I bet my classmates notice it too, but I’m honest and say that it’s brain fog, or due to my stupid illnesses that make my life hell 99% of the time. I do sense that it has been easier since I started school, but even then it’s a rollercoaster. I just hope that I can get through this and pass the tests. I’m really nervous about the tests 😬
Just so you know, I’m so sorry that I haven’t blogged until now. I actually started this post just a few days after college started, but it wasn’t until now that I actually had time to post it. I have so much more to tell you, but as long as I am this tired, everything besides eating, studying and sleeping is considered a huge bonus of mine, and blogging right now has to be at the lower end of my list of things to do. I hope you’ve missed me, and that you keep continue to visit this blog even when I’m not blogging. The blog is otherwise completely dead with basically no visitors and nobody seems to use Google either to search for the stuff I’ve written about and that’s been going on for like a year. I find that so weird, but I don’t have time to figure out why that is.
Either way, I’m happy as a college student and I’m looking forward to getting a degree in Computer Science!